Anxiety

It is so easy for me to get anxious when thinking, dreaming, living through the all-encompassing infertility battle. I ran across the passage in Philippians 4:6-7 that says...
                      "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

It is so easy to get wrapped up into the whirlwind of fertility treatments. We are well on our way to our first IVF treatment in just a few short weeks. All the preparation with doctor visits, medications, shots, etc. can easily raise my anxiety level. However, the financial stress is also great. Just to give you a figure...IVF can range from $11,000 to $15,000. Yowza! Today we are beginning to deal with this financial burden which again causes anxiety. I worry that if we are spending all of our money and going into debt further...is it for not? What if this doesn't even work and we are broke afterwards? More anxiety.

However, this passage says that I should not be anxious but I should pray and ask God for favor. I feel so guilty asking God for more. He has provided so much for Jeremy and I. How dare I ask God for even more favor? I ask Him for guidance. I ask Him for forgiveness. I ask Him for medical miracles. I ask Him for financial blessings. I fear God views me as greedy or selfish. However, this passage eases my anxiety knowing that God invites all of us to ask Him for favor and prayers.

It is so hard to go to God with thanksgiving sometimes, though. Sometimes my world seems turned upside down with infertility. It's tough to find something to be grateful especially when I feel so down about our situation. But then I think of all of the wonderful gifts that God has given me. It makes me grateful for the many positive things in my life instead of focusing on the heartbreaking, daily struggle I go through.

So as our journey is changing and getting more and more scary...I just keep praying and asking for favor from God so as to ease my anxious mind.

-Lisa-

I LOVE GOD!!!

I just love God. I love that He makes little miracles that change my thoughts from negative to positive. I love that no matter what happens in a day, I have hope for things to get better. I love that I never know what will come next in His plan. Just when I think I have everything figured out, He shows me different possibilities...I LOVE THAT!!

We celebrate so many things in life...birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, births, holidays, etc. How often do we really celebrate God and the wonderful life He has given us?! I looked at my celebration shopping list today. All events in the next month. I have to buy presents for Mother's Day, a birthday, an anniversary, a bridal shower, two weddings, and three baby showers!! Holy celebrations! It is so easy to just go with the flow and focus on the materialistic presents and events.

I just feel like celebrating my GOD today! (It was a pretty horrible day at work, don't get me wrong. The kids AND me are all ready for summer break!) But God is so great!

On my evening run tonight, the sun shone through the trees on the trail. It nearly blinded me in spots. Is it crazy that it was that moment on my run that changed my mindset to be more positive? Maybe. But God finds ways to connect to our hearts. I truly believe that. So instead of writing my blog on how depressing Mother's Day weekend is for gals like us...I was able to celebrate God.

I needed to stay positive today. I needed God to intervene because I could feel the stress and anxiety building. I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyelids. I could hear myself complaining to Jeremy as soon as he walked in the door.

So thank you, God! I don't deserve your love and patience but am beyond grateful that you still show me those wonderful gifts each and everyday.

-Lisa-

IVF...Here We Come!

Those that know me well, or have at least been reading my blog posts, know that I am a firm believer of God's Will. My life is in His hands and He places obstacles and events in my life for His special purpose. However, sometimes I try to guess what God's Will for me is...which is bad. I can't guess what He is doing and what His meaning is...but I can't help but find myself doing it again and again. It is an ongoing struggle that I have.

I have struggled with the doctor's news for a week. But a lot changes in a week. Jeremy and I attended the Kansas City Infertility Awareness (KCIA) Annual Conference on Saturday. I was sick but it was something that I really wanted to attend. Jeremy really did NOT want to go. I think we was worried that everyone there (strangers) would know our problem. But he was reassured that everyone there HAS our problem. His hesitation faded and was masked by the giant amounts of free pens, gifts, food, candy, etc. I swear he managed to come away with 15+ pens. It is the little things...

Beyond the wonderful giveaways and food, the experience was amazing. We gained so much information that we would have never learned before. We were able to hear success stories from families that gave us hope for our future.

I signed up for this conference so long ago when IVF wasn't on our radar...not until Dr. Kim insisted that was our next step. How convenient that Dr. Kim mentions IVF just a few days before this conference! (This is where I start guessing God's Will.)

Jeremy and I left the conference with full bellies, full bags of goodies, and plenty of writing utensils. But we also left with a clear idea of what IVF was and how it could possibly help us. We literally shut the car doors and at about the same time we both said, "Well, we gotta do IVF." We agreed. For maybe the first time in months when it came to fertility treatment. We have bickered and bantered back and forth on what the next step was for us. We were never on the same page...until then.

So, without trying to guess His Will...I definitely think that He has used resources to educate us and open our hearts and minds to different ideas.

The IVF decision is made and it is only the beginning. We have finances to work out, shots to give, and prayers to pray but we are ready!

-Lisa-

Doctor Visit From You Know Where

I met with Dr. Kim today. I went by myself right after work. Jeremy and I talked ahead of time and like we shouldn't do...planned out our next step of fertility drugs. I had it set in my mind exactly what I would ask, what I would suggest, and what our plan was.

Boy...did all of that go out the window quick. It was an emotional doctor's visit to say the least. I am an emotional person to begin with and add a few life-altering thoughts and I might spontaneously combust. Dr. Kim said something like this, "Well, Lisa, we need to reevaluate our plan. I strongly recommend we try IVF (for those that don't know, in-vitro fertilization) instead of wasting time and money on another insemination. You are at the point in this process where we are just wasting time on IUI (intra-uterine insemination). Last year, I wasn't worried about you because on paper you and Jeremy look very healthy. But, I am concerned and think we need to switch up your plan."

My questions, suggestions and plan seemed to be a butterfly floating away slowly. My mind raced and tears welled in my eyes. Dr. Kim kept talking but it was like I was having an out of body experience. IVF wasn't a part of my plan. Our plan. And why is he concerned? What is wrong?

You know when you are trying to hold back tears but also trying to talk? It comes out as blubbering. You come across as an idiot. Well, that was me. I sobbed while trying to explain how I wanted something to be wrong so bad so he could fix it. I am sick and tired of being "normal" but no closer to being a Mom. I wanted to give up but at the same time just spend our life's savings on this new plan of his.

Talking to Jeremy seemed to ease my mind a bit. He is the rational one. I know that is a HUGE shocker to those that know us (insert sarcasm here)! Together we will make the right choice for us. We have a lot to discuss but the rational me who wanted to just stop after the next IUI is starting to see that IVF may not be so bad. Yes, it is more expensive but the success rate is about 40% higher than IUI.

So I again, am asking for prayers. Prayers that we make the right choice for us and that God will show us the right path to take. I know I have talked about the path of infertility before and am anxious to see where this fork in the road leads.

-Lisa-

Not Knowing...But SO GREAT

How boring would life be if we could see exactly what was going to happen to us? No, really...Most days, I admit, I wish I knew exactly how everything was going to pan out. Especially when it comes to seeing our family. But isn't that boring?

If I knew all of the things that would happen to me in life before they actually happened, what do I have to look forward to? I would have never had the experiences I have had or taken the risks that I have taken. I would have never LIVED life to the fullest because I would just sit around waiting for the inevitable events in my story.

Instead, we get to live our life. Sometimes we go into a situation blind and sometimes we go into a situation with little information. It is life's little surprises that make life exciting and worth living.

Imagine if I knew this...
 OK, Lisa...you are going to graduate from UMKC and be a teacher. (I would've never struggled to find my niche or gone to UNL.) You will meet a man named Jeremy and you will get married. (I would have never fallen in love with anyone else or found out what works and doesn't work in relationships.)

Why take risks in life? Why make plans? Why do anything?

I do have a point to my rambling. I don't know what is going to happen next year. I don't know what is going to happen next month or next week...heck, I don't know what is going to happen in the next minute! And truthfully, I don't want to know. God doesn't want me to know either.

So whatever we are going through is part of the plan. We don't know what is going to be around the next twist or turn in life. But that is part of the journey. It kind of makes me a bit more excited for what is to come. Of course, I am curious but I will look back and be SO glad that I didn't know what comes next.

-Lisa-

Here We Go Again (But with Hesitations)

Just a quick post today.

I finally made a decision. We are going to do another IUI cycle in June. I am not looking forward to it, though. The stress and strain that my body is going to go through is not pleasant. The emotional roller coaster that I will be put on mixed with the task of needles, lots of needles, mixed with the fear of another failure will have me going completely insane. However, there is that glimmer of hope that this will be the one...the one that brings the infertility chapter of my life to a close. Jeremy is very optimistic about the upcoming cycle. I can't help but be reserved and realistic.

I am not scared of it NOT working...I am more terrified that it will work and we suffer another loss. By far the hardest part of this journey has been losing pregnancies. I know some people believe that life is not life until birth...I, however, grieve the life that didn't make it to birth. It was life to us.

So many couples and women experience a miscarriage. It seems to be such an easy thing for outsiders who haven't ever dealt with losing a pregnancy. Yes, we haven't met the baby. Yes, we haven't named the baby. And yes, in some cases never even knew we were pregnant before the baby was gone. But it doesn't change the fact that it hurts. It hurts to know that you were so close to your family dream. We question what we could have done differently that would have allowed that being to thrive and grow inside of us. We question God and wonder what His plan is for us.

I know that if we are going to do this next cycle, I have to change my fears and become more optimistic. I have to pray and put my faith in God. This is easier said than done for a control-worrier like me. So I appreciate your prayers as we embark on this new journey again. The end of June I will surely need some extra thoughts and so will Jeremy because he has to deal with the hormone mess that I will become!

-Lisa-

The Path of Infertility

24 pounds gone! Back in January it seemed like a LOOOONNNNNGGGG journey to getting fit. Now I am 26 pounds away from my ultimate goal. At the beginning of the journey, the path to the goal seemed so distant and unachievable. I feel great about my weight loss journey and I will not give up. I am also NOT going back the "fat road" again. I even packed up a bag for Goodwill to get rid of the fat clothes so I cannot go back. All my friends, years down the road if you see me going down the fat path...tell me please!

The journeys that we take in life are strange. Infertility is really just a chapter in the story of my life. It isn't going to last forever and it isn't going to define who I am. But it is a journey. I think back as Jeremy and I stood at the beginning of the infertility path and wondered what the end of the path had in store for us... What does the path look like? What will it take to get to the end?

There are and have been many twists and turns.  We can't see if we are at the beginning or nearing the end.  I just know we cannot get off this path.  We must follow it until it ends.

Imagine with me...
What do we see?  We see the thorns of infertility all around us. Thorns on the right side of the path, thorns on the left side.   We see them all alongside the path behind us, and all alongside the path in front of us. If we step on one, the injury would cause great pain and make it harder for us to continue on our journey.

But look! There’s a shortcut! That path has flowers instead of thorns! The only problem is that we must walk through the thorns to reach that path. Oh, the pain those thorns could cause. Is it worth it?

There are so many questions, so many “what if’s” along the path to potential parenthood. Each one is like a thorn in the way.

What if I go the wrong way? What if I get lost? What if I can’t find my way out of the woods?
What if I choose the wrong treatment? What if our savings is lost? What if I can’t find my way back to God after the way I’ve spoken to or about Him? What if there is an adopted child out there to whom I cannot find my way? What if we consent to IVF and it fails? What if my marriage fails? What if there is another diagnosis? What if my husband says ‘no more’? What if I conceive and lose a child? What if we make the wrong choice as to what doctor to go to? What if…? What if…? What if?

The burden of making so many life-changing decisions in the midst of such stress can be so overwhelming!  We gather as much information as we possibly can, yet we still cannot understand the medical jargon or even the financial statements. The pressure is mounting!

We desperately need a guide down this path. Sometimes it is easy to see which way to turn. Other times the thorns are hidden among the foliage and they catch you by surprise. Who can help us navigate this unknown territory?

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Here’s the good news.  We don’t have to worry about what is next! In fact, God tells us not to! Don’t trust in our own understanding.  I know that there are times when my understanding of a situation is not accurate!

Trust God! I need to trust Him with all my heart! I need to trust Him with our future, with my body, with our family. He’ll direct me down this path of infertility. 

-Lisa-

Decisions, Decisions

I knew it was time to write a blog post but as I sat down to a blinking cursor, I couldn't think of what to say. So like many decisions in my life, I asked my husband, Jeremy. He said just write about what you want. That would mean I would have to make a decision...something I am not the best at. In fact, choosing our date night dinner location is a struggle. It frustrates Jeremy that I don't know where I want to eat but I seem to have a reason not to go to any of the locations he suggests.

Right now, I am faced with a difficult decision in my career. Do I leave the school that has been my home for six years? Do I leave my friends who are now like family? For what...a "better" district...closer to home...for more money? BUT teaching a subject that I hate? I am definitely at the point where I either want them to turn me down, so I don't have to decide. Or wanting them to meet my demands so it makes it impossible for me to say no. Decisions, decisions.

However, we have had to face touch decisions before. We have had so many heavy decisions to make in our desire for parenthood. Each one is so important. Not something easy like deciding what to have for dinner or what movie to see or even what district to work for! No! We have to decide whether to pursue IVF or trust God for a miraculous and unassisted conception. We have to decide whether to go into debt for treatment, or keep trying on our own. We have to decide if adoption is the right step for us. I have to decide if torturing my body is worth another failure. Most importantly, we’re talking about the creation of an eternal soul. What could carry more weight? How do we know what God wants us to do? How do I discern God’s will for me?

Prayer is the only option we have, because after all, God is the one who is going to make it happen for us. In those times of dreaded disappointment and tough decisions, it is hard for me to understand why God is making me have such heartbreak. I think, “Why not me? I’m a good, Christian person. Why the unwed teenage mother, the young woman at the abortion clinic, the one complaining that she had another accident?” It is something He could so easily fix. I’d love to say that I have a grasp of understanding on the reasons why, but I don’t. I only believe that God has us here and in His care, and He has a working plan in progress. Although I am not in agreement with His plan all the time nor do I understand it, I finally accepted the fact that I do not have the power and submerge myself in prayer during the tough times. Biblical encouragement is the one thing I could hold firmly in my hand. It has become clear to me that God did not put the desire in my heart to be a mother, if He was not going to fulfill that desire somehow or someway.

I have had the realization that God wasn’t going to make me live my entire life with heartache. Of course, I don’t know if that means I will eventually bear my own children or adopt, but I know the heartache will go away with Him in control. I feel like if I trust Him and trust His plan, those heavy decisions will become easier. If I listen to Him and work for Him instead of against Him, my heart will be lighter and my thoughts clearer.

-Lisa-

How to Help, What to Say

I know that my friends and family have struggled with what to say to Jeremy and I. We are sometimes tiptoed around because people are afraid of saying or doing the wrong things. My own family has asked what is appropriate to say and what isn't. So I have been making a list of things that might be helpful when talking to couples that carry the load of unplanned "un-pregnancy."

 As we struggle with infertility, our relationships with friends and family are undeniably touched. Those who conceive easily may have difficulty truly understanding the struggle an infertile couple faces every single day. 

What to Say...

I’m so sorry.
I’m praying for you. (Only say this if you really will pray!)
I’m here if you need to talk. (Then don’t be afraid of what we may say. Don’t be offended if we don’t want to talk. Being available to us as a sounding board is priceless.)

What NOT to say...

Relax, honey. It will happen. (This minimizes the hurt the couple is feeling. Also, sometimes it doesn’t happen.)
You’re so lucky not to be tied down with kids. You can go on vacation any time you want.
At least...you were only a few weeks along, At least...you have one child. At least...you have time with just the two of you. (A good rule of thumb is--if you start a sentence with “at least” it’s probably the wrong thing to say!)
So whose fault is it--yours or his? (Infertility is not an issue of fault. It is a medical condition that carries a heavy emotional and spiritual burden. This is an intensely personal battle. If we want--or need--to share personal, medical information with you, let us. It’s really quite an honor to be trusted with such vulnerable information. If we don’t want to share, please don’t ask.)
I know how you feel. (No, you don’t. Even if you suffered with infertility or miscarriage, you cannot know exactly how this person feels. You may have a good idea based on your own experience, but not the specifics of this situation.)
Don’t cry. It’ll be okay. (Let us cry. Let us cry with you or on you. Just let us cry.)

Be Sensitive...

Realize that the grief an infertile couple carries begins anew approximately every 28 days.
Don’t panic if the couple “emotionally vomits” on you. 
Don’t be afraid of anger. Hurting people tend to lash out. If they are angry at their spouse, their doctor, their baby, their body or even at God, let them vent.
Let them know you care. However it works for you and those you care for, just let them know you care.

As Philippians 4:13-14 says, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, but it is so good of you to share with your infertile friends/family in their trouble. Thank you!  Thank you for caring for hurting people and making such a wonderful effort to ease the pain of unintentional childlessness.

-Lisa-

Negativity

I haven't written in awhile. I have a lot to say. But I won't blab it all in one, lonely blog post.

I went to my 10th Weight Watchers weigh-in. It is old hat now. I have lost 19.2 pounds...so very close to 20 pounds! Our meeting leader, Becky, talked about Nixing Negative Talk.

Negativity? Me, negative? Nooooooo...

Absolutely! I took a hard look at who I was on the inside and I didn't like the way I was treating myself. I have allowed negative thoughts to enter my mind WAY more than I should ever allow. I am hoping that actually posting these negative, no-good thoughts here will allow them to exit my mind so I can focus on the positive aspects all around me.

I have been putting off another IUI for months. Why? Because I only attach negative feelings towards the procedure. I find excuses of why it isn't a good idea. I am afraid of failing again. I am afraid of not being able to keep it together. I am afraid that if I don't do another IUI that Jeremy will be angry at me. I think that it cannot work. I don't want to try again if it is just going to fail. Which it will...
(Those are the thoughts coursing through my brain right now...)

Speaking of failure...how did I allow myself to get like this? I tend to have negative, self-loathing thoughts about my weight, my career, our family situation. Here goes the rant:
How did I allow myself to get this FAT?
I hate seeing pregnant women. I really do. I can't help the jealous hatred that boils right under the surface.
We will never have a family. We better really like each other because it is just Jeremy and I forever.
I wonder if Jeremy would be happier with someone that can carry his child. Because I can't.


Feeling sorry for me, yet? I hope not! I don't want empathy.
I know that my negative thoughts are just a part of life. We tend to pull ourselves down even when so many miraculous events are going on around us. I would NEVER speak these un-healthy thoughts aloud (except maybe to God who already knows them).

I am hoping that I can become more positive. Tomorrow is a new day and so a new outlook as well. Writing the negative thoughts out releases them (even if just a little bit) from my body. I can move on and start filling my brain with more positivity like: God loves me. We WILL have a family even if it is not the way we planned. I am so blessed to be living through this obstacle because I am learning so much about myself and my relationship with God.

-Lisa-

Faith

The silence of infertility can be deafening.  I cry out time and time again with all the strength I can muster.  I find myself begging with God, pleading with God, bargaining with God. Yet He chooses to remain silent.  I try making promises.  I do all I can do. If I thought He expected something, I have done it. If giving to others would help, I would give every earthly possession I have. For some unknown reason, God seems to be doing nothing.

When I feel hopeless, I fall into the arms of God. They are strong enough to hold me and they’ll catch me every single time. For you see, when you can go no further and your strength is gone, His strength becomes perfect in our weakness. And you know that terrifying stillness in the dark times? Those times when God seems a million miles away? Even though you know He can do anything, you’re just so afraid He won’t. Whenever I need proof that God is working in my life, all I need to do is simply turn my hand palm up and look at the inside of my wrist.

On the insides of my wrists you can see my blood vessels as clearly as though I had no skin.  To me, these bluish tubes buried just below the surface appear stagnant. No movement. No action. To my eyes, they appear as nothing more than streaks of color on my arms. I don’t feel anything. No throbbing. No pressure. They have no sound. If I didn’t see them, I wouldn’t know they are even there.

But what is the reality?  Blood is pumping through those tiny veins keeping me alive. I can't feel it, I can't see it...but it is there.

Are you beginning to see where I’m headed?   Just as I am blissfully unaware of the blood in my body flowing, working, moving through my veins, God through Christ is flowing, working and moving through the story of my life!

I may not see Him.  I may not hear Him.  I don’t have to! That doesn’t squash His ability!  I may have never been as aware as I am now, but He’s been working on my life since long before my birth, and He’s working for me even now. As I write these words, He’s working.  When tears stream down my face, He’s working. As my hopes rise and fall, He’s working.  As I find those few precious moments when I forget I have a problem, He’s working. He never stops working on my behalf. And He never will.

It is such an amazing feeling! I have FAITH that He is working in my life and He has a plan designed especially for me. I can rest easy knowing the Almighty is in charge of my life.

-Lisa-

Missing My Nana

I make a calendar for the Bruno clan every year for Christmas. Each of my 7 nieces/nephew get their own featured month. Each birthday and anniversary is marked clearly with my family member's photo. It keeps me organized on who needs a card but also all of my appointments, etc.

March is a busy month on our Bruno calendar with five birthdays.

As I sat down to mark conferences and appointments on the calendar, one photo jumped out at me. My Nana. She passed away March 15, 1999. Her gorgeous picture falls on that day for us all to remember (we would without the picture) this amazing person.

Granted, I was fairly young when she passed but her influence, love, and words live on deep in my heart.

I know that everyone loves their grandparents dearly and my love for mine isn't especially unique. But to me it is. I loved my Nana more than I could ever express in words on this silly blog. She was the kind of lady that would literally "give her shirt off of her back" for anyone in need. She was tough when she needed to be and I knew not to cross her. She dressed "to the nines" and had the best sense of humor. She loved to sing, play piano, and dance. She was definitely the life of the party. Everyone fell in love with her.

I didn't want to believe she was sick, and I definitely didn't want to believe that my Nana was going to die. She was a lady I absolutely loved spending time with. Our afternoon lunches are fond memories of mine.

The best part about our relationship was that Nana loved me just as much as I loved her. Her words have fueled my internal drive to do the best at everything. She thought and believed I could be something. She believed I could do something really special.

Consequently, whenever I felt like I couldn't do something...Nana's words made me believe I could. When it seemed like I should just give up...Nana's beliefs eased my pain. So many times, I have felt like we never will be parents and maybe we should just throw in the towel.  But then, Nana always believed I would do something special.

I miss Nana a lot. I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could see her. Even as it approaches 13 years since she was been gone, I take her everywhere I go. I am confident that I will have the opportunity to be reunited with Nana and my other dearly loved grandparents one day.

Thanks for listening. Just missing her today.

-Lisa-

Faith of a Mustard Seed

Everyone, even those not suffering with infertility, have had times they have pleaded with God or some higher being. We get desperate and reach out. This is usually in a time of dire need. I have had a few of these situations over the last 28 years:
1) Plane ride at the age of 9 that made me want to be baptized
2) My first car accident when I was 16
3) When my Nana passed away and I thought I'd die without her
4) My 7 seater plane ride from NYC to Albany, NY (I swore we were going down)
5) My first day of teaching (Scared out of my mind)
6) When my Gramma passed away and I was left grandparent-less
7) Choosing Jeremy (I wasn't sure at first-ha!)
8) Of course, infertility

Just some of the moments in life that I begged, pleaded, cried out, and leaned on my God. I beg and beg God for the right answers and the right path in life. And in these cases have asked him for the things I thought was best...not what He wanted. It is easy to ask, "Why didn't God answer my prayer the way I asked Him?" He surely heard me?

As I struggle with infertility (#8), I beg God to change our situation. I ask Him to allow us to conceive this month, not next month! We know this is the right time! We plead with Him to let this procedure work or to make this all just go away. What I sometimes don't understand is that He has a plan. He knows what He's doing, even when I think I do!

A great friend recently gave me a necklace. It is of a mustard seed. Of course accompanied with scripture from Matthew 17:20 "He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Faith is all I need. Faith that God's plan is in motion. I lived through that plane ride (#1) that caused me to draw closer to Him even at a young age. I survived my first car accident (#2) even though I shouldn't have left walking. I carry Nana and Gramma in my heart everyday even though I miss them both terribly (#3 & 6). Although a scary situation, I still survived my tiny plane ride and have great stories because of it (#4). I love my job and that first year of kids will always be in the back of my mind (#5). God led me to the right man for me (#7).

God’s ways were not my ways throughout my life. God’s thoughts were not my thoughts. Did that mean He didn’t love me or didn’t care? Did it mean that He didn’t understand how afraid I was or how desperately I wanted Him to answer my prayers? Did it mean He didn’t have a plan? Not at all. It simply meant that He had a plan that I didn’t see or understand yet. I’m so glad He knew what I needed more than I thought I knew what I needed for myself.

I am still waiting for God's answer to #8. But the best part is that I know He is working on it. He has never failed me and so if I only need faith of a mustard seed...get ready to move a mountain!

-Lisa-

My Rock

As a woman going through infertility, it is easy to get wrapped up into my own little world. I forget that others are hurting and suffering as well. This is especially true when it comes to my husband.

I am lucky to have been born a girl where it is socially acceptable to be emotional. I don't need the help of the hormone shots to be overly emotional because I am a sensitive person to begin with. However, men aren't raised with the same need to share feelings and just plain cry. Men are taught to be strong, supportive, and to hide their true feelings.

So when I cry and cry after each passing month without a baby, my husband is there to be strong for me. When I get angry that I am not pregnant but everyone else on the planet is expecting, my husband gives me hugs and reassurance. He doesn't cry or lose his mind like I do. Instead, he is the rock that brings me back to reality.

But he suffers too. It is easy to forget that he is also apart of this infertility struggle. I forget that his heart aches right along with mine. But looking back, I don't see an instance where I was able to be his rock. I have been taking all of this love and encouragement from him, but am I supporting him in return? Probably not.

Not too long ago, we found out that we are now officially the only married couple we hang out with that is without children or children on the way. Of course, it was tough for me even though I am so overjoyed that our friends are having babies. But what I didn't expect is how everything affects Jeremy. When talking about our situation with him, I found out that he is torn up inside just like me. I asked him why he never told me how he really felt. He responded, "I can't. I have to keep it together. I feel the same way you do but I have to be the strong one. If we were both freaking out, it would be bad. But I feel the same. I hurt too."

The men going through infertility have to suffer in silence while they take care of their other halves, just like Jeremy has been doing.

So, I am going to work on being supportive of my hubby. He feels the same feelings as I do. He hurts. He is frustrated. He is sad. Now, talking to Jeremy, you would never know. He keeps it together better than anyone. But he needs me to be his rock. This is my goal for us. We are in this together and with God's help will get through it together.

-Lisa-

To Share or Not to Share

Jeremy and I went and saw the movie "The Vow" a few days ago. It is the romantic drama with Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams. It is such a great movie and so emotional too. In the movie, the narrator (Channing Tatum) talks about "impact" moments in your life.

That phrase "impact" stuck with me. Those moments in life that steer you one way or another. Those moments where you realize something about yourself.

It gets me thinking about when I first realized that having a baby wouldn't be easy. I was sitting in my OBGYN's waiting room. We had tried naturally for a year and two months on Clomid. I was waiting for my exam and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I broke out in tears right there. I realized that this was going to be a longer journey than I had expected. But at that moment, I experienced an impact. Just like the many scenarios in The Vow.

An interesting thing happens when a woman realizes that she will have to fight to conceive a baby. Most of our choices are taken away with the diagnosis---or in my case a lack of a diagnosis. We may not get to decide how many children we will have, or if we will have them at all. We won't be able to choose how or when we will conceive. However, there are some choices we are able to make, and many must be dealt with at the very start of the baby battle. Here was the kicker for me:

Do we tell people we are having a problem, or do we keep it to ourselves??

Difficult decisions (or sometimes impact moments) must be covered in prayer, and the necessity of those prayers often feels overwhelming. The greatest support comes from the prayers of loving people who care about you, just like my readers of this blog--YOU!

However, for some people, self-disclosure is nauseating! At first, I didn't want anyone to know how desperate I was for a baby and how hard this battle really is. The issue of infertility was simply too private for me to share with anyone but Jeremy. I didn't want other people to look at me with pity when a new mother walked in the room with her baby. I couldn't tolerate the idea of the well-meaning people who would say hurtful things like: "Oh, you could always adopt!", or "Oh honey, you're young! You can always have another baby!" So I chose to keep my problem and despair to myself.

For me, the quiet pain was eating at my heart. God knew my pain and that gave me comfort. Studying the Word that He gave us showed multiple cases of infertility. Hannah and Sarah's stories stick out to me the most. Their stories were shared in the Bible for some reason. I know that infertility was apart of God's Word to help ease the despair of those of us that live in quiet pain.

So I spoke out. First, just with my closest friends and family. Then, with my coworkers. And now with the world through this blog. I can't even begin to tell you what joy and release comes to my heart every time I write on this blog.

I can't help but think that God set me on this journey for a greater purpose. If that purpose is to share my story and words with others, then I shall do it. If that purpose is to give someone else support and comfort as they suffer with quiet pain, then I will bear it.  

-Lisa-

Listen to the Sound

I have listened to the song "Listen to the Sound" by Building 429 a "million times" but today on the way home, I actually REALLY listened to the words. It spoke to me. It can apply to so many people in different areas or trials of their lives. I attached the lyrics and the music. I love the song even more than I did before focusing on the lyrics.

"Listen to the Sound" by Building 429
Are you in over your head?
Are you on water so deep your drowning?
Do you think you've been left,
And there is no one to feel your hurting?

Well everybody has been there
And everybody's felt lost
If you're in over your head
Lift it up
Lift it up

(Chorus)
Oh, listen to the sound of hope
That's rising up
Over your old horizon
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
And listen to the sound of a new beginning of
This is where the old is ending
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
ooohh ooohh oohh

I hear you say your alone
I hear you sayin' that you'll never make it
I've got to tell you you're wrong
Cuz I have been down this path you're taking

You'll never know what Faith is
Till you don't understand
Sometimes it takes the silence
To finally hear His plans

(Chorus)
Oh, listen to the sound of hope
That's rising up
Over your old horizon
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
And listen to the sound of a new beginning of
This is where the old is ending
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
ohhh oohh ohhh

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
I once was lost
But now I'm found

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
I once was lost
But now I'm found

(Chorus)
Oh, listen to the sound of hope
That's rising up
Over your old horizon
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
And listen to the sound of a new beginning of
This is where the old is ending
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
ooohh oohh oooh

His grace is reaching for us
His grace is reaching out
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
Wherever your are...

His grace is reaching for us
His grace is reaching out
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
Wherever your are...


-Lisa-

Happy Valentine's Day...

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone! I grew up in a family where Valentine's Day was a big deal. I have fond memories of receiving my valentine's gifts at school from Mom and Dad. It was so cool to have those flowers and balloons to take home on the bus. I felt SO loved! I also have fond memories of watching my mom search around the house to find all of my dad's gifts for her. (Jeremy does the same!) There was so much love that day (and really everyday).

Valentine's Day quickly became my favorite holiday. I loved my family all year long but Valentine's Day was just another day to express that love to them. Poor Jeremy came into our relationship unknowing of my Valentine's Day expectations. He learned after the first year that he was expected to not only show his love, but write a card, give flowers, and preferably some chocolate. He has stepped it up since that first Valentine's Day!


I am going to have to now explain my train of thought. This happens often: my mind wanders from subject to subject until I arrive at a realization.

So...Valentine's Day makes me realize that God loves us no matter what day it is. His love is enough. His grace is enough. In fact, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness" (Corinthians 12:9).

So sometimes I don't feel strong, I don't know about you? I could easily believe that it is impossible to survive the sorrows of infertility. But I have endured...so have so many others. That is His strength being perfected in my weakness. How great is it that God gives strength in our time of weakness? He uses the trying times in our life to show us the beauty and purpose to our lives.

So on this Valentine's Day, I can have contentment to know that God loves me, gives me strength, and provides His grace for me. Just me! All for me! He helps me face distress, persecution, difficulties, insults, and even infertility!

What an awesome God?! Now, share your love for Him and your family...EVERYDAY! Not just today.

-Lisa-

"You look like one of the kids now."

Changing my way of life is EXTREMELY hard to do. I have been a lazy person for years so the idea of exercising, frankly, frightens me. However, I am making huge strides in changing not only the way I view food, but also how I view exercising.

A student I taught last year came up to me in the hallway today and asked, "Mrs. Sickel, are you losing weight? You look like one of the kids now." I jumped for joy inside and just wanted to pick him up and swing him around the hall. How sweet is that?! Instead, I jumped for joy inside and said, "Why yes I am...thanks for noticing."

I have a long way to go but I absolutely LOVE that people are noticing! This morning's scale showed 12 pounds down...only 38 more to go.

A part of this "Better Lisa" journey involves working out and getting fit. I had this crazy idea to train for a 5K so I had something to work towards. Now I have involved other people and am ready to take it on. So April 29 I will be running in the Trolley Run. It is a 4 mile trek through Kansas City. My goal is to be able to jog/run through the whole course. We will see how it goes but I am excited.

I actually did not want to be pregnant this month (as crazy as that sounds!). I have looked forward to the end of my cycle in possible hope that it may be THE month. But now, I know that I need to get my body and mind ready to be a mom. I think that a healthier me is better than a pregnant me. Selfish? Possibly. Necessity? I think so.

Thank you God for making my mind clear, my goals focused, and my strength in You to get through it all.

-Lisa-

Learning to Wait

So much of the fight of my sanity in my quest for a baby is waiting. I wait for the next cycle to begin. I wait till we can go to the Dr. to start the next treatment. I wait for the blood tests. I wait to get past the point of my last miscarriage. Everybody despises that dreaded two week wait (2ww). It seems like all I do is just sit around and wait. Why is it that even God tells us to wait?

Isaiah 40:31 "Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength..."

I love to look at the literal translation of words in God's Word. You can learn so much when you know what the writer had in mind when he took pen to paper. Look what I found about what the word "wait" really means:
"A straining of the mind in a certain direction with an expectant attitude...a forward look with assurance."

Waiting is not passive at all! It is active (in fact, too much so)! If you feel weary of this fight, and need to gain new strength, this Scripture literally tells you what to do (at least it did me): WAIT! Don't wait like you may have previously thought about waiting--you know, sitting around doing nothing. Wait like the Word tell us to. Strain your mind toward God with an expectant attitude, looking forward with assurance (key word)!

How do I do this, I ask myself? How do I wait like God tells us? I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow to find out!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a side note, after a rough few days, I am at peace. I have days that are hard and it is difficult dealing with my overwhelming feelings. However, I am not anxious or sad today. I feel strong and willing to let God into my heart. It is quite the feeling to have a deeper inner peace without jealousy and sadness. Thank you to those of you that helped me through the rough weekend and made me feel normal again. You will never know how your words, hugs, and prayers helped me get to a better place. Onward I go!

-Lisa-

Jealousy

When I start to feel heartbroken, I have lots of choices. I talk to Jeremy and my mom, I read God's word, I cry alone, and I read. One of my favorite books to read is Beth Forbus's Baby Hunger. This was emailed from her today and helped, even just a little bit. It isn't easy feeling alone in my pain. It isn't easy covering my real feelings day in and day out. It isn't easy to see so many happy families around me when that is all I want. It is even harder to see families or mothers that just complain about their "hard" lives...I would DIE for that "hard" life. It is so hard to stop the hate and resentment that builds in my heart. I am glad that I am not the only one that has to pray to suppress those horrible feelings of jealousy. When God enters my thoughts and heart, I feel healed. So here are Beth's words...

“…I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”
John 10:10

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!
Philippians 4:4

Once you discover that your desired pregnancy will be delayed, an amazing thing happens! People around you become “stupid”! They do stupid things like ask you to hand out the gifts at church on Mother’s Day since you won’t be participating. They make such stupid comments! Oh, the comments! “I just think about my husband and the morning sickness starts!” When you realize that you aren’t quite as fertile as the other branches of your family tree, you’ll find out within one weekend that your best friend, your co-worker and your sister-in-law are all pregnant! Your cousin gripes to you about how uncomfortable she is in her 37th week of pregnancy. Everyone is pregnant. Everyone but you.

You’re amazed at the apparent insensitivity of the fertile world. You’re amazed at the anger and jealousy taking root in your infertile heart. Relationships with people you have adored for an entire lifetime become strained. Their greatest source of joy has become a constant reminder of what you have so longed for yet cannot obtain.

As you stand face to face with the issue of infertility, many choices are ripped away from you. The choice of when to have children, perhaps the choice of how many children to have, the choice of keeping your problem private. Other choices are so difficult. Do we consult a doctor? How far do we go with treatment? What do we give up to pay for medical treatment? Do we adopt? However, there is a crucial area where you do have the ultimate choice. Will I choose joy or will I allow infertility to dictate my mindset and the attitude of my heart? Christ came that we may have life and have it more abundantly. We’re told to rejoice, and the writer is so adamant that we rejoice that he just has to repeat himself—“Again, I say rejoice!” If you’re feeling weak, the joy of the Lord is your strength. Our weaknesses showcase Christ’s ability to be our perfected strength.

Does this mean that you should never cry or feel down? Absolutely not. Our Savior was a man full of emotions and the Bible even says He was acquainted with grief and bore our sorrows (Isaiah 53:4). It does mean that you can choose to let Christ carry those sorrows and choose the joy that runs deeper than simple situational happiness. Peace that is so strong and doesn’t make sense considering your trial is yours for the taking. You can choose to accept the offer of abundant life provided by Jesus Christ Himself, or choose a life of despondency, jealousy and discouragement.

Easy? Not always. But the choice, my friend, is yours.

(Taken from Baby Hunger: Biblical Encouragement for Those Struggling with Infertility by Beth Forbus.)

-Lisa-

Changes

I think change is the hardest thing to endure as a human being. We are creatures of habit. When our habit is disrupted, it is quite a blow to our routines.

Just the thought of changes develops tiny, fluttering monarchs in my stomach. However, change can be SO good! All of the great things in my life have had something to do with change. So why is it so scary?!

Changes for the Good:

1. I moved to Lincoln, NE to go to college where I knew no one. I met amazing people there and learned that athletic training in NOT for me. It showed me that I was supposed to teach.
2. I moved home from Lincoln, NE and met even more amazing people from UMKC. I also found my niche.
3. My heart was broken for the first time. It only made me stronger. It also opened the door for the best man in the world, Jeremy, to come into my life.
4. My marriage and sharing a home with someone was a HUGE adjustment!
5. Moving away from south of the river and being "forced" to live north was a welcomed change. I love it up here!
6. Living through infertility is quite a different life than I expected.
7. And finally...where to go from here?

I have been praying fervently recently to have God show me the way in my career. I have been actively looking for a new district for a couple of years. I love teaching my kids in Raytown and the lovely people I work with, but there are changes on the horizon.

Applying for other jobs was just that...applying. I wasn't really taking them as serious options. BUT now, I see that I am going to be making decisions to change my world...again!

I know that God knows where I am supposed to be and He will show me the right time to CHANGE. It doesn't make it easy though.

However, I will say that these changes on the horizon have taken the focus off of infertility even if only for a brief time.

I am trying to let God lead the way and show me the right changes to make in my life. As we all should. I want every change that is made be something that honors Him and His plan for me.

-Lisa-

Darkness

First of all, I am SUPER stoked to be down 7.6 pounds on Weight Watchers. It is suprisingly easy to follow. However, Jeremy has lost 6 pounds and he isn't even following it like I am. He is just eating my cooking! So frustrating how men lose so much quicker than women. Ugh!

I read this passage last night and this made me think of how this passage can be intrepreted.

John 1:5 says "The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." I have read this passage before without attaching much feeling or emotion to it. Last night was different.

Infertility can be a very dark time in life. I know that this is the case for us. This time of darkness is hard to comprehend as well. We struggle with lots of questions surrounding our infertility. Should we continue the same fertility treatment? Should we look into saving for in vitro? Is it our time to consider adoption?

My family is always great to remind me that I need to trust in God and nothing else. However, it is so hard to see answers in the dark. I need light to shine in my surroundings to know where to turn. I immediately thought this when reading John 1 last night.

This thought provoked me to read more. Jesus said "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life" in John 8:12. He has promised to be with me through all of life's joys and sorrows.

Isn't that great? For all of us? Even when I have found myself in the dark the last two and half years, I know that the Light of the World is with me.

He promises to shine His light even in this darkness of infertility.

-Lisa-

We are not alone in our pain

This video is amazing. It puts it in perspective of the pain that so many are suffering through. What ever we are going through, we are not alone. Our pain is not unique. There is always someone that relates. I also love that all of these women and men are placing their love and trust in God. So empowering!

-Lisa-

The Small Things

There's that saying that says something like "Don't sweat the small stuff."

To the writer of that quote, I say "Easier said than done."

I am one of those detail-oriented people. I have a list of "small stuff" that just plain drive me crazy. Here is a quick sampling:
*Being woke up just a few minutes before the alarm goes off
*The incessant meowing from my eager, ornery cat who wants fed at 4:45pm instead of 5:00pm (yes, 15 minutes but she MUST remain on schedule)
*When people move my chaotic stack of papers, coupons, books, etc. (It may look like a mess, but I know where everything is)

I hate that I let "small stuff" bug me. Especially the small things that bring me back to the negative thoughts dealing with infertility. I really try to do a good job of covering my feelings about infertility. I go to work and am able to pretend that I am not suffering with childlessness. I pretend that I am not hurting although the pain is unbearable. I have become an expert at suppressing those feelings until I am comfortable within the walls of my home.

However, some "small stuff" makes it really hard to keep everything together. And if you have never dealt with the feeling of helplessness like women dealing with infertility do everyday, then some of what I may say will sound ridiculous. You don't have to follow that with pity. I am not pitiful. I am strong.

THE SMALL 'THING'

The dentist. Yep, the dentist. I have an appointment every six months. I go to get a cleaning and x-rays. Every time I go, they ask the same question before placing the heavy, radiation-blocking apron across my body, "Is there any chance that you are pregnant?" A simple question.

However, this simple question that is asked every 180 days also reminds me that it has been 180 days without pregnancy news. It has been another six months of tears, disappointment, and sadness.

It isn't like I didn't already know that I wasn't pregnant. I know that...heck, I LIVE that everyday. I know that I am not pregnant! But that simple question that I expect going to the dentist brings all of those feelings to the forefront.

Simple, right? The dentist. But as that visit is looming in the next couple of weeks, it leaves me aching even more than normal. Because yes, it has been another six months.

Even though simple things like dreading the dentist for "the question" instead of the horrible things that can happen to my tiny mouth, I still know that it is God's will.

Don't get me wrong, even though I may stress out, I know that God is in control of my life. He has a plan and I am just trotting along waiting for him to show me the way.


-Lisa-

Inspiration

We get inspiration from the strangest places. Sometimes from seeing what others have done, sometimes taking a walk around the block, or in my case recently from PINTEREST! It is addicting and I need to stop but I just love it so much. I found this "pin" and it is fueling my inspiration for today's blog:

How true is this?! Seriously. This sums up pretty much every life experience anyone has ever had. God has purposely placed obstacles and experiences in our life. He has planned our lives out perfectly.

I (and hopefully I am not alone in this) blame God when things go awry. It is so easy to say "God, why are you doing this to me? How could you let that person die? Why can't you fix this?" We reach out to Him with anger and bitterness in our heart. Everyone does it. If you say that you have never experienced this shortcoming, then you must be able to walk on water!

The best part is that God doesn't turn His back on us even when we do Him.

This quote shows me that God is always there to calm me, God's child. So when I want to scream, cry, and feel pity; God is there to comfort me. When I want to shout at Him in a moment of weakness, He will still be there to calm me.

For without these "storms" in my life, I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't have learned what He taught. I wouldn't see the glorious gifts He has waiting for me.

Without this "never ending hurricane" of infertility, Jeremy and I cannot become the people He needs us to be. Without the heartbreaking pain every month childless, we cannot grow as a married couple or brothers and sisters in Christ.

Think about every hardship that you have lived through...now think of how that changed you as a person. Were you able to share your story and help someone else? Were you able to better understand God's plan for you? Were you able to grow closer to Him?

Life is a journey. There are storms. There is sunshine. And sometimes a mild winter day (like we have had recently). God is there through it all. It makes me feel safe because God is with me no matter what.

-Lisa-

Celebrate!

So I am on the long road to a better me!

First week of Weight Watchers and I lost 4 pounds! I was so excited!

Isn't it weird that you don't realize changes until someone tells you? I honestly didn't think that I lost anything. I was surprised but as I left the meeting, I magically felt like I had changed. It just took the meeting and weigh in to give me some confidence.

I need to do a better job at building myself up. I definitely don't give myself enough credit. Granted God works through me everyday and He knows what I am capable of. It is just too bad that I have lacked that self-confidence; that is until tonight.

I am looking forward to the journey. I have  about 46 pounds more to go before I reach my goal weight but this first week definitely boosted my confidence.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

-Lisa-

Prayer

Prayer is important. It didn't used to be important to me and I only prayed when I needed something from God and that was a bad habit to get into. I started studying and realizing that I was too needy. I needed to recognize the blessings that God has so richly blessed me with. So I started a new habit to replace my bad one.

Everyday on the way to work, I spend it in prayer. It is a 25 minute drive and it allows me to focus for the day. I put on my Women of Faith praise team CD and sing right along with it. I then thank God for the day, my family, my friends, my job, and all the many gifts that He has given me. It prevents me from begging Him for things that I want.

So often, we just use God as a sounding board to our problems. How often do we actually praise Him in our talks with Him? I know that I wasn't. I challenge you to start using your talks with God to be more about what you already have than what we really want. It has changed my relationship with Him and also changed my outlook on my life.

Of course, I still find myself asking God for things. Be it a family, protection, guidance, or the health of people. But I am making more of an effort to praise Him. I am not a perfect conversationalist with God, I try. And that's all that matters.

Here is the quick prayer I prayed this morning:

Thank you, God for this new week and new day. I know that Mondays can be difficult but I know that you are with me guiding my way. I will use this day to honor you. Thank you for my loving husband who loves me for who I am. I am so glad that you chose him to be my partner in life. Thank you for guiding me to the path of teaching. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life. I am especially grateful for my family. They have helped me get to this point in my life and their influence guided me to you. Be with me throughout this day. When I start to waiver, I know that you will be there with me to put me on the right path. Direct me to make the right decisions for my kids and for my life today. It is in your Son's name that I pray. Amen.


-Lisa-

The Joy of Success

As a middle school teacher, we have days where we leave just utterly ticked off. Something happened, or didn't happen; you feel like nothing was accomplished; the kids were just off; I was just off, etc.

BUT today wasn't one of those days! I left feeling great.

It isn't often in normal day to day life where you get the feeling of overwhelming success, like you have made a difference. Luckily, in a teacher's every day to day life, we do! I love the "a-ha" moment. I love to see my "kids" learning and loving it. I love seeing them change and grow. I see it all the time.

Those moments keep me going. I may have a bad day but it could be the next day when a kid tells me that they know I really love them and I am not just pretending. It could be the next day when a kid tells me that he never knew he could write like he did.

I am so used to these great kid moments that make my life as a teacher worthwhile. BUT I don't usually feel successful outside of work. I go home and I have a great husband who I love unconditionally but I don't feel successful there. It is no great fete to love him. I just do. Our marriage just works, we don't have to work it.

Today, I felt successful outside of work. I received an email from a friend who had been reading my blog. (I hope she doesn't mind me posting this!) I know that God knew I needed that email from her right then. I was feeling down and a little off around lunch time, like nothing was going right. After reading her spontaneous email, I was in tears. But not depressing tears, happy ones. I was so touched that she would take the time to write those encouraging words. She said all of the right things that I needed at that time. She was building me up and making me feel better about myself. I don't think she will ever know how much that email touched me today.

Another example of why I am so blessed. I have amazing friendships and amazing people around me. That includes my "kids". God has put all of these supports in my life. Each experience that I live through pushes me closer and closer to Him.

HE allows me to feel successful. HE allows me to be strong. HE guides and directs my path. HE nurtures and loves me in even my darkest times. HE is my rock.

I hope you get to feel success today. It is such a great feeling!

-Lisa-

Believe

So I have started working on my resolutions for 2012. If you talk to any of my friends or colleagues, they will tell you that I am a control freak. And I am. However, I think God has given me a great obstacle to overcome through infertility. I KNOW that I can't control everything but I just WANT to control everything.

Yes, I shouldn't freak when Jeremy doesn't make the bed correctly. Yes, I shouldn't freak when a coworker switches up the order that I eat my lunch. Yes, I should allow a student teacher to come into my classroom without having anxiety attacks. However, all of the above mentioned and a list of many other oddities of my controlling nature are very true.

So by God placing this uncontrollable obstacle in my way, I am learning. As much as it hurts, I know that God has chosen me to be strong and learn from this experience. There are many great things that lie ahead of me, but hopefully I will continue to learn and grow.

On another resolution, I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting tonight. I was so scared. I have never been in a situation like weighing in public and then openly proclaiming I AM FAT to 100 strangers. (For the record, I did not have to proclaim "I am fat", my presence in the room took care of that). However, I did learn from that hour of my life. It was not a waste of time and I am excited to start this journey to a thinner me. The director, Becky, kept asking the same question which yielded many different responses from the audience (I sat quietly, of course): 'What do you believe about yourself in 2012?'

Well, some of the veteran Weight Watcherians declared something about their weight (DUH!). But I was thinking more along the lines of fertility. Why can't I believe, yet again, that this was our year for family answers? It was such a great question. If you believe, you can achieve, right? So, why not?

-Lisa-

Just Relax...

So today was a lazy day. Instead of going, going, going like we normally do. We stopped. We relaxed. We did NOTHING. It was just what I hope my year is like. Calm. Loving. Relaxing. I walked the neighborhood with my furbaby, Bella. I cuddled up with a book, pjs, the hubby, and the couch. Although, I am a restless person and sitting still for too long makes me batty. It still helped me see what a relaxing life can be.

"All you need to do is just relax and it will happen."
Everyone gives advice for getting pregnant. Not that I don't appreciate it; I do. But in all do respect to those people, their words aren't always helpful and sometimes hurtful. I have developed a thick skin to the comments and suggestions. However, if you catch me on a bad day...that relax comment could send me into an all-out, unstoppable meltdown.

I pinned this from Pinterest. (If you haven't signed up for Pinterest, you really MUST! It is my addiction!)

Before I was faced with this infertility life that I live, I was ignorant to some of these same things. In fact, a younger, naive girl about 8 years ago once asked a childhood friend and his wife, "So, when are you guys going to pop out some children?" I knew I misspoke by the look on their faces. I often think about that moment and hope that I didn't offend them or upset them.

As I was getting more and more knowledge from infertility books and resources, I ran across a great chapter of a book. In fact, I loved this chapter so much that I adapted it to a letter to my closest supporters. I sent this as a message to four women who are my rocks and all now happen to be mommies:

Hi guys. I love all of you very much and lean on you as my support team. That is why I am sharing this with you. I have been reading this book, Every Drunken Cheerleader: Why Not Me? In this book, the author has a whole section of rules and things for the supporters of the fertility-challenged like me. It isn’t meant to slam you for all you have done. I just thought I’d try to support you in return. The author recommends giving you the book to read but I thought her general friend rules were good. If you don’t read them, I understand but wanted you to kind of have an insight into how I feel. Love you all!!
All of the following is a quote from the book:

General Rules:
Please start listening to us.
When we come to you with our news that the cards of our fertility are a part of a hand that should be folded, you don’t need to say anything. Just take a large sigh, let your eyes fill up with tears on our behalf but don’t feel obligated to make excuses like “it will happen” or to stroke our head with proverbial encouragement. More often than not, we need someone to recognize our breaking heart, not to sew it back together. In the midst of doctors, procedures, and decisions, a woman can feel unheard. It is a much-needed refreshment to have you there to hear us. When we call you, if you could just listen to us, you will solve ninety percent of our worries. If you don’t say much, then you are less likely to say something wrong.

Don’t leave things open ended.
If you say that you are there if we need you, then be there a lot. We need you a lot. Call us, check in on us, ask us questions, stop by, invite us out. We need you in a way that is hard to communicate. You might be the one that makes our day ten times better. We don’t want fraud like understanding. Please, please don’t compare your life to ours or just because someone else you know went through this means we should get together over coffee and become well.

Be aware.
If we are together and someone just announced her pregnancy, it’s ok for you to slightly give us that knowing look. That understanding glance may be the one things that alleviates the embarrassing tears. Please make sure that look is not one of “poor you.” You know that gesture. It is the one where you lower your head, furrow your brow and make droopy eyes. It should be more a look of are you ok cause if not, I will fake a seizure right here to get the attention onto something else. Sincerity and the depth of our friendship will be the two factors that make this succeed or fail.

Save us.
If we are in a room with other moms and the only subject is pregnancy, child birth, or children, then please change the subject if only for a while, for our sake. There are 84,000 other topics in the universe that can be discussed among friends.

Be sensitive.
Be sensitive to our feelings about what is going on. It is hard to quantify with examples. Just try to be sensitive to our sensitivity as possible without being overly sensitive.

Be extra sensitive on baby shower days.


Screen the news
Don’t assume that we are ok with hearing so and so is pregnant or so and so just had her baby. Use good judgment. Don’t give us those puppy dog eyes which ask us to tell you how crappy it makes us feel. Just tell us and then move on. If we want to discuss it more, we will.

Know your audience
Create a politically correct ending to your story if you are telling a group it took you a whole six months to get pregnant. Not only is this helpful for those of us you know are already going through fertility treatments, but its good for general less known groups too.

Allow us to leave.
We would appreciate permission to leave any social gathering early and without an excuse. As one of our very best friends, you should automatically know it is because we got sad and needed the comfort of our couch and that it is perfectly fine. Don’t go after us or make a scene about it. Let us go. If we need you, we will signal you in some way. But don’t point it out to others or make an issue of it later.



-Lisa-