Monday, December 31, 2012

Welcome 2013! I can't wait!

I have officially had this blog for a year! Last year, I wrote about my 2012 resolutions. Here was my list last year:
1. Let God's will be, I can't plan or control my life because it is HIS to control
2. Keep praying for our family but not obsess over it because it is for HIS divine purpose
3. Let stress and anxiety roll off my back
4. Love my family, husband, and friends more (I feel I have neglected them in my depression state)
5. Yes, LOSE WEIGHT. It needs to happen. I am hoping I don't give up one month in

As I look back on my 2012 (which has literally flown by!), I can see God's plan in place for us. Going through infertility and being in the trenches, it is so easy to place blame and be bitter. I was. But His plan only makes sense after something in our lives works out. We don't always see the purpose of losing our job or being turned down for an interview until we see the greatness that came from it. The same holds true for our infertility this year.
I didn't meet all of my resolutions for 2012. I did lose 56 pounds. Woo-hoo! I found a closer relationship with God and we found our church home. I did love more and stress less. I prayed for our family non-stop. The one thing I know I still need to work on is letting God's will be. It is hard for me to not plan my entire life; I am a planner and I have a problem giving up full control.
To think that at this time next year, we will have two adorable babies in our arms, makes my life feel complete. However, if I don't continue to grow as a person and as a believer, it will all be for not. So here is my new list of resolutions for 2013:
1. Keep praying to God and praising His name. If not for Him, we wouldn't have these two amazing miracles growing inside me.
2. Be a great Mom.
3. Serve God in all aspects of my life.
4. Be healthy and stay healthy for myself and my family.
This is a quote from my blog post back on December 31, 2011:
"Therefore, I am changing my view of infertility. I am not going to let the enemy convince me that it is something that has happened to me because God is angry with me or that He has forgotten me. Infertility has a purpose."
I pray that each of you can find your own peace with the cards that we are dealt. It is so easy to become bitter and angry. I was. But everything has a purpose. Sometimes we will only know the purpose by going through the crap and the muck. I pray that in 2013 you are able to enjoy life and hopefully your dreams and prayers are answered.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Survivor's Guilt, HUGE NEWS, & Lying by Omission

It has been awhile. In fact, as I write this post...I am still unsure when I will actually get around to posting it. I have been adding bits and pieces for a couple of weeks just waiting for the right time to share it. My last "real" post was WAY back in November and since I started blogging, this is by far the longest break I have taken.

All for good reason.

Let me start off by saying, I am sorry. I am sorry for a lot, actually. I am sorry that I have been hiding from the blog. And I am sorry that I can't make sure that all of you have the amazing news that we were blessed with recently.

The day after Thanksgiving, I went in for what I thought was my CD3 scan. You can remember that bitter post where it was all over right here. The ultrasound tech realized that I hadn't shed my lining so that the bleeding and cramping that I had been experiencing was not ole Aunt Flo after all. They ordered more tests, including  HCG. It came back positive 12dpiui at 45.

We went back 72 hours later and it was 351. We went back 48 hours later and it was 943. My doubling times were crazy. But being the skeptic infertile I am, I waited for the bomb to drop. I was waiting for bad news.

We had a couple of weeks where we went about our days knowing that we might, quite possibly be pregnant. This was and still is a foreign feeling, by the way. Our 6 week, 3 day ultrasound was on December 12. To our utter shock, surprise and elation we saw two amazing sacs with two amazing heartbeats. TWINS! I cried. Jeremy sat with his jaw agape. The sonographer, Sara, cried with me. (She has been with me through all the scans for 3 years.)

We went to sit in the waiting room and both of us were literally shaking. We have NEVER received good news about our family. EVER. We have never felt like this journey would end. We always hoped that it would, but neither of us were ever able to picture a happy ending.
Our angels due August 4, 2013! 
BABY B @ 7w3d
BABY A @ 7w3d

After the overwhelming joy of our blessings, the guilt hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I turned to Jeremy crying on our way home and said, "Why us? There are so many women and men out there waiting for their babies. How did we get two?" Jeremy's response was simply, "It is our time. It will be their time at some point too."

And here is where I start having survivor's guilt. If this works and these two gorgeous babies decide to stick around (Lord, I hope so!), I vow to NEVER become a "fertile". I know the horrible mindset of those pesky fertiles and their disregard for the feelings of us, infertile. I will not be a fertile. I will always and forever be an infertile at heart. I know the struggle. I know the sadness. I know the tears. I know the heartbreak. I will never forget.

I know that some of you are hating my news. Some secretly. Some not so secretly. I have been there. For three and half years, I watched friend after friend get the happy ending I dreamed about. I heard and saw so many blogging friends post bump pictures and pregnancy updates. I would politely post a congratulations but the truth was that I was so jealous of their pregnancies, growing bellies, and baby plans. I wanted it for me. So, I won't make you read my posts anymore if you don't wish to.

I was going to make another blog for the pregnancy. But I can't bring myself to do it. This is my blog. I will try not to throw it in your face because I know that stings. But I will most likely post about my pregnancy experiences mixed in with some infertile rants as well. (I still love ranting!)

I need this blog and quite frankly, need all of you. But I do understand if my news makes it difficult for you. I wish we all could see the end to the long tunnel of infertility.

I hope you join me in this new chapter of our journey. I also hope that you forgive me for keeping this from you all for so long. I didn't know how to approach the news or how to say it. (I probably still ticked some of you off even though I tried not to.) I didn't mean to lie by omission but I needed time to wrap my mind around this all.

I thought worrying was over after the ultrasound. Truth is, worrying has taken on a brand new kind of meaning. I worry more now than I ever have! So I would appreciate any prayers, special thoughts, etc. because I am downright worried and frightened that this awesome news can be taken away from us at any time.

I haven't really told anyone about this news outside our circle of very close friends and family. We are almost 9 weeks and it is still too early to break it to them. I am not making a Facebook announcement, so if you are a Facebook friend and reading this, please hold off on the congratulations there until we are ready.

I am not really showing yet (just a pooch) and have not gained any weight yet. With twins I thought I would be huge from the get-go, but I am not complaining. I have been sick nearly everyday. It is a constant feeling of nausea which is probably why I haven't gained any weight yet. We saw our RE to say goodbye today. We took them a tray of goodies for the staff to all share. They will definitely be missed. At today's appointment, we were 8w5d and Baby A measured 8w4d with 184 bpm and Baby B measured 8w4d with 185 bpm. They are growing so quickly!!

Keep believing and trusting! Don't give up!


Sunday, December 23, 2012

Merry Christmas!!!

It has been  nearly 4 weeks since I last posted! Crazy! So much has happened in four weeks.

I promise that my huge news and long updating post is coming soon.

For now, I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

I wish you all a stress-free next couple of days because I know the holidays are tough.