Beautiful

If you don't follow Em over at teach me to braid, you need to go check out her new post. It is beautiful. She writes eloquently and truthfully.

Enjoy!

-Lisa-

Be a voice. Be heard.

Happy National Infertility Awareness Week!

Infertility is always a part of each victim's life.

It doesn't matter if you seem to be "on the other side" of the disease with the answered prayer baby in your arms or in your belly. It doesn't matter if you are just starting to seek out medical help. It doesn't matter if you are on your second IVF failure. It doesn't matter if you have gone through countless procedures, surgeries, miscarriages and heartbreak.

We ALL know what it feels like to want something so badly that you would do nearly anything to get it.

We put our bodies through hell for the chance of starting or completing a family. We get our hearts filled with hope at the beginning of a cycle or the beginning of the adoption process...to have them broken into a million pieces when things go awry. Our hearts seem to magically heal in time for the next cycle...and the next...and the next. We go through this over and over again holding onto a faith and love with such persistence. We obsess over each twinge, spot of blood, cramp, and cycle day. We test...then test, and then test again. Our minds constantly guessing on what it all means and if we need to call the RE.

We carry a heavy burden.

We bear other's advice. We bear the weight of our partner's childlessness. We beat ourselves up and blame ourselves for all the failures. It is our bodies. It is our fault.

We ache for the child so badly that when we are lucky to see a positive pregnancy test...we are afraid to celebrate. After all, we know that at any given moment, our dreams could come crashing down.

We are infertile.

It is the type of disease that stays with its victims forever. Once an infertile, always an infertile. Even after it seems like we have "beat" infertility...it becomes a state of mind. We will never be the same. It has altered our hearts. It has essentially robbed us from an experience that many get for free without heartache.

If you don't know about infertility, please take the time to educate yourself. Most likely a couple you know is suffering. Some in silence. We need you.
For more information, visit www.resolve.org 

-Lisa-

Why Can't We All Get Along?

Most of "us" (the readers of this blog) are coming from the land of infertility. I think living with, or living through this awful disease changes our psyche. Not that it make us more compassionate, but I do believe it makes us not take anything for granted.

Infertiles are used to supporting each other; not tearing each other down. Maybe that is why I am so appalled at the actions of some other women. 

Since becoming a mother and living "on the other side of the track," I have begun to realize the true Mommy War that goes on. 

Yes, I chose to feed my babies formula from day one. I know, I am a horrible and selfish person for not wanting to give my babies the best nutrients from breastfeeding. I am a monster. 

Yes, I work. I leave my babies for 8 hours a day with strangers at a daycare center. They are around other people besides family for most of their awake time during the week. I am a monster.

Yes, I vaccinate my babies. I let nurses plunge syringes filled with the evil health care companies' concoction to save my babies from future diseases. I am a monster.

Yes, I use disposable diapers and disposable wipes. I load the landfills with Pampers and Luvs. I am a monster. 

Yes, I pierced my daughter's ears. At. The. Doctor's. Office. I let the nurse permanently alter my daughter's ears because she would have most likely felt the pain at six years old when she would eventually want it done. She looks adorable and she didn't even cry. But I am a monster. 

Yes, I give my babies packaged baby food. I don't steam, mash and make my own baby food. Heck, I have the audacity to not even buy "Organic." They seem to be just fine with the good old Gerber but, again, I am the monster. 

Yes, I had a medicated birth; it was awesome. After that epidural, I was in heaven giving birth to my son; too bad I still missed my daughter's birth for having to be put under. My poor children have a monster of a mom!

We all do choose, or will choose to raise our children in our own way -- a way we choose is best for our precious babes. It doesn't make another's choice wrong. And it doesn't make another mother out to be a monster. 

Why do women feel the need to judge others' choices in motherhood? It used to bug me. Now, I simply block out those other mom's ideas about my choices. My babies are happy and healthy. They love; they laugh; they are growing; and they are MINE. 

I wish that the mothering community took a page out of the infertility book. Support is what is needed, not judgement of who does what best. 

I loved this link that a mother group created. A Mother Group that gets it. 

You are all amazing no matter who says otherwise!!!

-Lisa-

Happy Blogiversary!

Well, blog...it has been two years.

I made you to record my random thoughts like in this first post. Somehow, you became my sounding board, support, and link to amazing women.

You now are a wonderful momento for Max and Harper in the future.

We have been through a lot together and I can't believe all of the ups and downs the last two years has brought our way.

Thanks, blog! Here is to another year of bloggity blogging together!

-Lisa-

I Remember

It wasn't that long ago.

In fact, some days it feels like yesterday. But honestly, other days I feel so far removed. But I am not.

I remember the sadness. Especially around Christmas.

Everyone posts pictures of their babies or growing bumps. They talk about announcing pregnancy to family or their babies first Christmas (sorry!).

All I wanted for four Christmases was to share the holidays with our own baby(ies). I pictured the mantle with stockings and the childish laughter opening presents on Christmas morning.

At some point, I thought the day would never come. I had even resigned myself that it was Jeremy and I. That's it.

All when I had nearly given up the hope, Max and Harper were conceived. I was the girl that announced pregnancy at Christmas last year and am celebrating their first Christmas this year.

But I still remember.

I know how fortunate and blessed we are. I know that I sometimes take our miracles for granted. There are so many good friends and wonderful people in this community that yearn for my excitement at this holiday season.

So, tonight...Jeremy and I plan on praying and lighting a candle in honor of our struggle and in hope for those that are still struggling.

I do hope that you have an amazing holiday that is filled with love from family and friends.

Blessings your way!

-Lisa-

PEGPS & Ornaments

So I am a crazy person since it is the end of semester. There is a blog over at Love, Teach that had a recent article about how you should not date a teacher. Part of what she said was this:

You thought PMS was bad? Try PEGPS.

PEGPS stands for Pre End-of-Grading-Period Syndrome, the period of time before grades are due for report cards. Like PMS, PEGPS is characterized by extreme irritability, poor nutritional choices, and zombie-like fatigue. However, unlike PMS, PEGPS lasts for 2-3 WEEKS and happens four to six times per YEAR. 

And when PEGPS overlaps with PMS, you'd better get the hell out of Dodge, my friend.

I am this victim of PEGPS right now. Especially the irritability! I swear...I was angry teacher today. I am stressed on getting our projects done and me getting grading completed. Plus, there are finals to create and planning for our next units. 

I teach 4 different courses, and I am swamped. English I, 8th grade regular English, 7th grade regular English, and 7th grade enriched English. So....essays, more essays, and more essays. Yikes!

But my day was brightened when I came home. I received my adorable ornament as part of Teresa's ornament exchange at Where the Bleep is our Stork. My exchange partner is Stephanie. We just "met" and she is adorbs. Yep, I said adorbs. She is in the trenches of infertility and I just hope and pray that her miracle baby(ies) are on their way. 

I nearly cried when I saw the ornament. Partly, due to my insane mood swings PEGPS (ha!) and mostly due to the specialness of our ornament. It is personalized for our miracle babes. I LOVE IT, Stephanie. It is perfect in every way. Thank you!

-Lisa-

Infertility Thoughts From "The Other Side"

For those of you that are trying for your take home baby, this is for you. For those of you that are blessed (like me) to receive the lovable take home baby(ies) we hoped for, you may agree (or not).

I initially thought that infertility was just a short chapter to my life. It turns out, infertility never left me. It is a part of who I am and possibly always will be. It is true that the twins have seemingly completed our infertility struggles.

BUT infertility consumes us.  It overwhelms every part of us.  It infiltrates our emotions, our relationships, our finances, our intimacies.  It becomes so much a part of so much of who we are. 

Without realizing it, we begin to expect people around us to understand what it’s like to be infertile.  We long for understanding that we cannot even verbalize.  I wonder if we are not holding people to a standard that only God Himself can meet? 

I know that I expected everyone to understand what I was going through...even Jeremy. I disliked and loathed the idiots that unknowingly made stupid comments like "Why haven't you two had children yet?" or "Do you not want kids?" or "Are you doing it right?" or "Have you tried this?" or "You can borrow mine!" I found myself more focused on their idiocracy and insensitivity.

I still find myself dodging these same idiots. Except now they come with insensitive comments about how we obtained the twins. "Twins?" or "Do twins run in the family?" or "Gosh! I am glad they are yours." I really want to spew our entire struggle to them. I want to tell them that we spent thousands of dollars, cried millions of tears, and prayed countless prayers for these twins. Yes, they run in the family but we also had to have medical intervention.

But then I realize that the masses don't understand or know too much about the infertile world or my infertile mind.

Infertility is a lot of things.  It is a physical, emotional, relational and financial crisis in a young couple’s life.  It is an anvil on which many marriages are strengthened and some are destroyed.

That infertile mind doesn't go away. The pain is lessened by the smiles of my babies but I still hurt for the "abnormal" process that we had to go through to get these babies. I hurt for the so many women and men that are still in the trenches of IF. I know that those couples are facing the insensitive men and women who just don't understand.

I am sorry that you are having to paste a fake smile on your face when you answer their questions with "Yes, we want children. We will have them in due time. [nervous laugh]" (At least that was my blanket response.)

So, I posted pictures through pregnancy. I post pictures of my babes. But know that I am still infertile. I just pray and hope for your struggle to be lessened because from here on out...being an infertile never ends. We will always be infertile.





-Lisa-





   
  

Thoughts on Mother's Day

Mother's Day has always been a dreaded holiday. I love my Mom so I just focused on showering her with love and avoided the thoughts that I may never be a mother myself. It was too painful to imagine.

So, although, this year is different as we await the arrival of Max and Harper...I still hold a special place in my heart for the many friends that are sad today. I pray for you today and always.


"A mother is not defined by the number of children she can see, but by the love she holds in your heart."

-Lisa-

28 Weeks & Thank God for Crafty Friends!

Well, I am 28 weeks pregnant! Crazy talk, I know! The babies are still vertex and seem to have dropped lower. My hips and back are starting to hurt but I just know that means they are getting ready for their departure. I only hope they wait awhile. They are too tiny now. I want to get them to at least 5 pounds before they meet the world.

This was my bump last week (27 weeks). I don't think I am bigger but my belly now hangs lower.

My ankles swell at the end of the day. I thought I had cankles before but now they have become epic in size! My wedding ring has to come off at the end of the day until the swelling goes down by morning. I know there will come a time when the ring will have to be taken off entirely. This is hard for me since I love wearing my ring and never take it off.

The nursery is nearly complete. We hung the last of the antiques last weekend. I found two antique shelves at an antique store that are painted in a yellowish hue. They go well in the room. They are recent purchases. However, I found this old window about 3 years ago. It was painted yellow and the glass had the blue flowers painted on it. At the time, I envisioned stripping the paint off and painting a different color. I admit that after I cleaned it up, I rather like the window just the way I found it. It goes with the room. Jeremy had a heck of a time getting it anchored securely to the wall. It hangs above our changing table with one of the shelves.

 

I don't have my first baby shower until Memorial Day weekend. However, many good friends and family have been busy crafting, quilting, and making beautiful gifts for Max and Harper. I wish I had an ounce of their abilities. My poor children have a mother who is lacking in that artistic skill. My student teacher from last year (who gets to work at our school next year!! YAY!) made these amazing hats. They match our nursery exactly. I cannot wait to have the twins pose in these hats. It may be their first newborn pictures!

My 12 year old niece made Max and Harper cute blankets. I love how soft they are. Max has the sock monkeys and Harper has the bright, cheerful turtles and elephants. I love them!! Plus, my niece is going to be an amazing babysitter.

 

I have mentioned many times how great this infertility community has been. I have met women who I genuinely care about even though we have never met. It is crazy how you can develop a friendship and companionship without ever really knowing them. One of these many bloggers is a sweet and caring gal who is one of the most upbeat supportive people. She is had a heck of a time dealing with her infertility and I pray for her often. She has decided to make quilts for the babies of infertiles. I nearly cried when I received these in the mail. I LOVE them!

It could be now anywhere between 6 weeks and 9 weeks that Max and Harper are in our arms! I am so excited!

-Lisa-

Join the Movement

Happy National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW)!

I have been thinking about my 'Join the Movement' post for a couple of weeks. I have had some talks with my husband, Jeremy, to see if he had any profound thoughts on the topic. I had to have been desperate! Ha!

Infertility is such a scary, uncertain, heartbreaking, faith shaking, life destroying, relationship ruining, down right sucky, awful, sad, and horrible disease. People don't truly understand that it is a disease. It isn't a misfortunate accident. It isn't something that just happens.

Infertility is a disease. A disease that affects nearly 8 million people in the United States alone (Resolve). Infertility seems to choose the couples that are truly wanting families. Although, infertility doesn't discriminate. All couples are susceptible to the horrors of facing an infertile life.

Some infertiles can solve their issues with medication and ovulation predictors. Some must go onto injections and inseminations. Others move onto the terrifyingly expensive step of IVF. Some have surgery upon surgery to conceive. Many go on to use surrogates, donor eggs, donor sperm, or adoption. And sadly, some face a life of childlessness.

I feel like I have tried to educate people on infertility. When I created this blog in December 2011, some of my friends and family had no idea what Jeremy and I had been through. I felt encouraged by so many friends that came to me to share their stories. I had no idea how many infertiles I knew in my "real" life. Each of their stories touched me, and hopefully, mine helped them in some way as well.

At first, I was shy about our struggles with infertility. I wasn't sure how people would take my willingness to be an open book. I knew that infertility was a disease that most suffered in silence. I wasn't willing to be silent anymore. Even if I made a few people uncomfortable, I know that being open about infertility helped counsel me and many others. Staying silent works for many couples, but I couldn't move forward with all of the built-up sadness and anger. The best way for me to release my emotions in a safe environment was right here.

This blog created a space for me but I also met so many wonderful other infertiles. This is by far the best part about being open to sharing infertility. The blog friends that I have made over the last year are friends that will potentially be a part of my life for a lifetime. I find myself thinking about them, praying for them, and celebrating beside them. These other infertiles are the strongest and most caring individuals that I have met. I am so fortunate that sharing my story led me to their strong support system.

Even though, it seems as if I am on the "other side" of infertility with Max and Harper on their way. I will always be an infertile. It is a part of me and who I am. I will continue to be an advocate for infertiles everywhere. Whether that is sharing my story and success, or just educating the fertile world on what is acceptable and what is not.

So, yes, I have joined the movement! And I don't plan on quitting the movement until infertility is fully recognized as a disease. I won't stop until insurance companies across the country decide to cover these procedures as they would for "elective" procedures. Everyone needs to know what infertility is and how it affects couples. Only with education on the topic can infertility get the recognition from the people who can make changes.

Join the Movement and spread the word of infertility! I know I plan to continue.

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

-Lisa-

Welcome 2013! I can't wait!

I have officially had this blog for a year! Last year, I wrote about my 2012 resolutions. Here was my list last year:

1. Let God's will be, I can't plan or control my life because it is HIS to control
2. Keep praying for our family but not obsess over it because it is for HIS divine purpose
3. Let stress and anxiety roll off my back
4. Love my family, husband, and friends more (I feel I have neglected them in my depression state)
5. Yes, LOSE WEIGHT. It needs to happen. I am hoping I don't give up one month in



 

 

As I look back on my 2012 (which has literally flown by!), I can see God's plan in place for us. Going through infertility and being in the trenches, it is so easy to place blame and be bitter. I was. But His plan only makes sense after something in our lives works out. We don't always see the purpose of losing our job or being turned down for an interview until we see the greatness that came from it. The same holds true for our infertility this year.

 

I didn't meet all of my resolutions for 2012. I did lose 56 pounds. Woo-hoo! I found a closer relationship with God and we found our church home. I did love more and stress less. I prayed for our family non-stop. The one thing I know I still need to work on is letting God's will be. It is hard for me to not plan my entire life; I am a planner and I have a problem giving up full control.

 

To think that at this time next year, we will have two adorable babies in our arms, makes my life feel complete. However, if I don't continue to grow as a person and as a believer, it will all be for not. So here is my new list of resolutions for 2013:

 

1. Keep praying to God and praising His name. If not for Him, we wouldn't have these two amazing miracles growing inside me.

2. Be a great Mom.

3. Serve God in all aspects of my life.

4. Be healthy and stay healthy for myself and my family.

 

 

This is a quote from my blog post back on December 31, 2011:

"Therefore, I am changing my view of infertility. I am not going to let the enemy convince me that it is something that has happened to me because God is angry with me or that He has forgotten me. Infertility has a purpose."

 

I pray that each of you can find your own peace with the cards that we are dealt. It is so easy to become bitter and angry. I was. But everything has a purpose. Sometimes we will only know the purpose by going through the crap and the muck. I pray that in 2013 you are able to enjoy life and hopefully your dreams and prayers are answered.

 

-Lisa-  

I Love Your Blog!

Only one more day to the weekend! Time to celebrate!

NaBloPoMo wants me to discuss at least three blogs that I have found this year. Well, I have only been blogging 11 months so I found hundreds of blogs this year! I started this blog for my thoughts. I didn't really think anyone would read them (crazy, I know). Let along, did I think I would find such solace in blogging and finding other blogs. I follow about 50 blogs and it can be hard to keep up with all of them, but I do. I love hearing about their stories and love even more the support that we all offer each other.

So let me dedicate this post to all of my blogging friends that I have met along the way.

Infertile women (no matter if they are on the other side or not) are the strongest women people that I know. The women in this infertility blogging community are not only resilient, but hopeful. They are brave and strong but also know when/how to have a good cry. They are supportive without a fault. They are understanding and knowledgeable. They are inspiring and driven. They know what they want and they know how to help others get what they want too. And they are the most gorgeous (I saw video blogs) women on the inside and out.

I could go on and on about the wonderful bloggers out there! You all help me get through this struggle and I can't wait to celebrate all of our successes as we move into Mommy-mode!



-Lisa-

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am easily wrapped up into the suckiness of my life. I focus on our empty nursery down the hall. I focus on our toy-free house. I often complain about our infertility on this blog. I voice frustrations. I get out my frustrations and sadness (especially as of lately).

I don't want you to think that I am a miserably, bitter person. I really don't think that I am. I know that our situation, as well as many of yours, sucks. Infertility does suck. There are so many aspects of infertility that just plain suck.

But so many of us are so fortunate. For the most part, we have an amazing life. We are fortunate enough to go through these treatments and actually plan for a baby. We are going to be SO prepared to have a baby, and way more prepared than the fertile community!

That being said, I want to focus on the many things I am so thankful for.

• God
• My hubster
• My amazingly supportive family
• Our friends (even though fertile) are amazing and so are their children!
• My co-workers and friends at work
• The legacy and lessons my grandparents left me
• Running as a stress relief
• My dogger, Bella, and cat, Lola
• Our home
• Dr. Kim and the staff at KU Med
• Eye liner, without I look like a ghost
• Smart phones, what did I do without it?
• DVR, no more commercials
• Good health
• Wireless Internet
• Warm bed
• Coffee
• Indoor plumbing
• And.....all of YOU! This blog has introduced me to fabulous people. I love reading your blogs and sharing my blog with you. I feel like many of us would be friends in "real life" easily. You have been there through the crap and cheered me on in the good. I am blessed to have "met" all of you!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! We are off to one of multiple eating frenzies.
-Lisa-

God, Christmas, Prayers

Good morning! It is such a beautiful morning in KC today. Wish I was running, but instead I am getting ready to go to church. We haven't been to church in a couple weeks either for our IUI last week or being out of town the previous week. I know that the physical building of the church isn't much to some people. However, being able to sing and worship God every week really does recharge my spirit. I feel like my week goes better when I have taken the time to praise God. It gives me a focus of Him for the rest of the week. I have missed our church friends and am actually so excited to get there!

I also caved and put up some of our Christmas decorations last night. Lola, the evil cat, is in heaven. She loves Christmas. The dangling ornaments, the ribbons on presents, and lights. She has been more pleasant the last 24 hours than she has in months.

Also, say a prayer for my friend, Amanda, over at Growing Griswolds. She is 6dp5dt and has a very strong pink line for pregnancy. Pray that those healthy babies stick and she has a healthy, successful pregnancy.


-Lisa-

Sweats and Sharing News

Well, we are officially in our 2ww (two week wait) now. Nothing exciting will happen in awhile. So my blog will be filled with NaBloPoMo prompts like today.

However, I do have one thought. We don't expect to have news to share in two weeks...but if we do...we probably won't share it immediately. Our families and friends read this and we don't want them to get too excited or too depressed for us. We figured we would wait to make an announcement either way. That way if it does work (big if) we can share after we know everything is going mildly okay and if it doesn't work, we can bask in our sadness before allowing others to feel bad for us. Those of you that do or do not make announcements on positive or negative results immediately, why and how did you decide? I would love to have your input to help make our decision.

Now onto the NaBloPoMo prompt...today's prompt asked "Where is your favorite place to blog?"

I prefer to have on sweats when blogging...actually, I prefer to have on sweats any time I can. But truly the sweats allow me to think. The comfiest locale is the best place to blog for me. It is sometimes sweats in a bed (preferably my own), sweats on the couch, sweats in the man cave (sometimes I am allowed), sweats outside on the deck (preferably in warmer, milder weather), or even sweats in our office. Common theme...sweats. It is like Sam I am but with sweats.

I can't sit in dress clothes (work clothes) to blog or really do anything. It as if as soon as I get home, the complete wardrobe must change. This is the same rationale with my blogging place as well.

-Lisa-

Can We Pretend it is Monday? Video Blog

It is safe to hide behind the computer where no one can hear or see me. I become extremely vulnerable when asked to not only bear my feelings but now to give you all a face to attach to my ramblings. So thanks to Stupid Stork for creating this video blog challenge. If you want to read more about it and visit other ladies participating click here. I am stepping out of my comfort zone. We are supposed to post our videos on Monday...but I can't wait and am super busy tomorrow.

I should have spruced myself up for the video but did not. My hair is still wet from the shower. My face is jacked up because I had an allergic reaction to face cream. I am just a mess. I promise I normally look a little better than I do in this video. Just a little.

So enjoy! And be nice about how I look! I can't wait to SEE and HEAR you other girls participating in the video challenge.

 

 

 

 

 

-Lisa-