Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Is it Really Possible to Move On?

I have dedicated this blog to writing about our infertility struggles to educate and inspire others but also as a coping mechanism for myself. I feel like the blog has helped me if not someone else. What I am struggling with is how I move forward. I am facing a good 10 months before we are going to go through another IVF (in-vitro) cycle. (I know it is a long "break" but the school year dictates our plan.)

So...what should I focus on? How do I move on? What will I write about? Do I dwell on what should have been? Do I dwell on how much our situation sucks? Do I get angry because we have to "buy" our baby where others can have theirs for free?

I am stuck.

Amid the swirling thoughts in my forever-running mind, I can't help but be a bit bitter. (That last phrase is filled with b's!) I am angry. I am sad. When I think too much about the disappointment, it makes me depressed. I hate when I allow myself to get to that point. I especially hate it when I allow myself to let jealousy take over. I can't help but look at growing bellies and growing families and feel horrible about myself.

But I really want to move on. So, when I can feel the anger and jealousy taking over, I focus on all of the things I should be thankful for. God has blessed Jeremy and I with an amazing life together. We have a  house, we have jobs, we have fairly functioning vehicles, we have an awesome family, we have two adorable furbabies, we have amazing friends, we have the means to travel and enjoy life, and most importantly, we have our faith in Him.

So with all of these blessings...why do I struggle with moving past this one deficit of infertility? I should just be happy with what we do have instead of focusing on what we don't.

I know that with God on my side...I can "move on." I know that with His guidance that I will be able to focus my energy into a productive and positive outlet. Granted, I know that our infertility is always going to be a part of me. It doesn't go away and I don't think it ever will leave me entirely. But I am hoping that I can use the next 10 months as a way to de-stress, re-focus, be less angry, and to get rid of my jealous thoughts.

We shall see if I can accomplish this goal, and hopefully it is possible to move on.


Monday, July 16, 2012

US + Vegas = New Perspective

Most people wouldn't consider Las Vegas a good place to clear your head and relax. But in our case, it was a trip that we desperately needed to take. They had record breaking heat in Vegas as well as rain which they haven't had in months. It didn't matter, we still had a blast!
New York New York (Our Hotel)
At Hoover Dam

I love this man so much!

Here is what Vegas has done for us:
1. Allowed us to focus on us instead of babies and fertility
2. Allowed us to relax
3. Allowed us to communicate how each of us felt about the IVF failure
4. Allowed us to have fun
5. Allowed us to strengthen our relationship
6. Allowed us to refocus our energy and get a new perspective

We really do love each other. I knew that I loved Jeremy. I even knew that he loved me. But there was always that fear that he will reject me if I can't give him a child but I know now that he loves me for me and not for the possible family I can give him. We talked a lot about the next step for us and we are pleasantly undecided.

We want to take some time for us. Dr. Kim encouraged us to take time as well. We have been through a lot and neither of us are emotionally ready for continuing the craziness. So at the doctor appointment today, we decided to do nothing. Yep, nothing. No treatments. No shots. No worries. No doctors. No ultrasounds. No pills. And hopefully no stress.

We are going to enjoy married life for awhile and talked about doing IVF again next spring when I won't be at the beginning of a school year (which, sadly, is quickly approaching). There are many benefits of life without children for us right now. Unlike our friends, we can do whatever we want, whenever we want, without worrying about a babysitter. We can pick up and go to Vegas on a week's notice. We can sleep in. We can nap in the middle of the day. Now we can enjoy the bliss of life without children.

Don't get me wrong...we cannot wait for the day when we can hold our babies. But for now, we are happy with where we are at. We know that God is in control and so we are going to try our best to be PATIENT. Something I haven't mastered yet but will continue to try without getting frustrated.

Here is yet another Youtube video that touched me. It is by a blogger who has decided to re-focus her infertility into something positive. I am striving to do the same.


Thursday, July 5, 2012

Holy June! I am glad you are over!

I know that one day (hopefully soon), I will be able to look back at this horrific month and see that it was all meant to be. To be honest though, the last month has really SUCKED! No apologies, it really has. God has a plan and purpose for us but I could have done without the craziness from June 9 to present.

Let's see...40+ needles jabbed into my stomach. About 10 uncomfortable ultrasounds. About 15 needles of lab work. Countless hours spent waiting at the doctor's office. Days of agonizing waiting. Buckets of tears. Two weeks of suffering with the worst pain ever with OHSS. Ten pounds of fluid gain from leaking ovaries. One hospital stay. And one giant BFN (in infertility world that is Big Fat Negative on a pregnancy test).

Yea, I could have done without that.
And this...(my IV bruise from hospital stay, although getting better, I look like a battered woman.)
All of this will have a purpose of some kind. We don't know why things turned out the way they did. And we don't know why I had to suffer so much. I could eat myself up with the doubts and what-ifs but then I would be dishonoring my God and my faith in Him. I KNOW that this is meant to be. Months or years down the road we will look back at this month and see that it was for His purpose. Whether this last month has altered our minds, hearts, path, etc. Or whether the last month leaves us loving each other as husband and wife more.

With all of the above listed "lovelies' of our IVF journey, there is one thing that I just found completely unfair. (Yes, more unfair than the 40+ needles and a negative pregnancy test.)

What hurt me the most is kind of silly. Suffering with moderate-severe OHSS causes my abdomen to fill with fluid which makes my stomach distended. I looked and still kind of look pregnant. (My sister told me to take a picture of the belly but I couldn't bring myself to doing it.) It is filled out and hard just like a pregnant belly. My pants wouldn't fit right and my stomach hurt at the shear thought of moving. So like a pregnant woman, I would hold my belly in my hands. I would stare at it and hold it. All the while dreaming of a day when that fluid is replaced with a miracle from God. I know it is silly...but the hurt of an empty "pregnant" belly is by far the worst thing to happen in the last month.

But I am OK. We are OK. We don't know what the next step is. And right now, I don't even think the next step involves fertility treatments. For now, our next step is enjoying each other. We leave for Las Vegas in a few days (it was our gift to each other for surviving the last month). Who knows...we may adopt...we may be foster parents...or we may be just crazy enough to try this roller coaster ride again!

We have so much appreciated all of the support and prayers from our friends, family, and perfect strangers that have reached out and touched our lives. We are not out of this fight but we are taking a break from the action for awhile.