Friday, November 30, 2012

Taking a Blogging Break

NaBloPoMo is over after today. I can't say that I am going to miss it. At all.

I will say I have enjoyed beating this challenge. I gave myself a large pat on the back before starting this post. Don't worry.

Today's prompt is "What was the biggest challenge of NaBloPoMo?" Duh--writing every freaking day! I don't have anything interesting to say on a weekly basis let along a daily basis. So thanks to everyone who suffered through the craziness of this month with me. Good is over!

So I have decided that I need a break from writing blog posts. So don't worry when I don't have a post for awhile. However, I will still read your blogs and catch up with your lives and challenges. I look forward to that everyday.

Talk to you all soon!!


Thursday, November 29, 2012

I Love Your Blog!

Only one more day to the weekend! Time to celebrate!

NaBloPoMo wants me to discuss at least three blogs that I have found this year. Well, I have only been blogging 11 months so I found hundreds of blogs this year! I started this blog for my thoughts. I didn't really think anyone would read them (crazy, I know). Let along, did I think I would find such solace in blogging and finding other blogs. I follow about 50 blogs and it can be hard to keep up with all of them, but I do. I love hearing about their stories and love even more the support that we all offer each other.

So let me dedicate this post to all of my blogging friends that I have met along the way.

Infertile women (no matter if they are on the other side or not) are the strongest women people that I know. The women in this infertility blogging community are not only resilient, but hopeful. They are brave and strong but also know when/how to have a good cry. They are supportive without a fault. They are understanding and knowledgeable. They are inspiring and driven. They know what they want and they know how to help others get what they want too. And they are the most gorgeous (I saw video blogs) women on the inside and out.

I could go on and on about the wonderful bloggers out there! You all help me get through this struggle and I can't wait to celebrate all of our successes as we move into Mommy-mode!


Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Thanksgiving Sermon Link

I said I would copy a link to the Thanksgiving sermon that I was talking about on Monday. Here is a link to the website and click on the "Give Thanks All the Time" sermon.


NaBloPoMo is almost over. As much as I have enjoyed this challenge, I have also dreaded it. With a passion. Hate, actually. I really don't think I am that interesting to have something to say everyday. I was used to posting once maybe twice a week. And to be honest, even then I had nothing interesting to say!

My prompt for today is "What is the worst trip you have taken?"

I love traveling no matter where we are going. Jeremy and I have not had a single bad vacation/trip. Even the trip we took days after recovering from OHSS and a cancelled IVF was amazing. So in order to answer this prompt, I have to go way back to 1993.

My parents bought a timeshare in Branson, MO. For those of you that don't know the country-wonder of Branson, I suggest you google it. No, really do it now. It is the back-woods Vegas. I will admit, present-day Branson is an okay weekend trip. There are shows, theme parks, beautiful views, and their new downtown area.

However, the location is not the reason for Branson 1993 being the worst trip. My parents condo is a two bedroom condo with a pull out couch. It is lovely. We even used it a couple summers ago with some friends. It is fairly large with a patio that opens up to a creek. Really peaceful. Not in 1993. Let's make a run down of my family situation then. I was 10. My brother was 21 and single. My sister was there with her husband. My brother was there with his wife and 1 year old daughter. Then there were also my parents. We had another hotel location so it wasn't too cramped.

Too many different personalities in the mix. Too many ideas for our plans. Embarrassment. Arguments. Too much time spent together. (Yes, there is such a thing.)

I remember many awkward moments of me in the backseat of the car or in the condo listening to bickering of what our plans were or where we were going next, etc.

It was decided that family vacations are a bad idea. In fact, we have yet to all go on a week long vacation with everyone again. And now that family has grown to 16 (soon to be 17 when my niece gets married). So I am thinking another family vaca is out...possibly forever.


Tuesday, November 27, 2012


Well, I was SO right about my was C-R-A-Z-Y! I think they have all lost their minds....or it is a full moon. (Seriously, their behavior changes with the moon cycles. I am not kidding.) I felt like an angry teacher all day long.

As far as NaBloPoMo, it is almost over and here is the prompt for today: "If you could instantly know any language in the world, which one would it be?"

I have never been super interested in learning a new language. Mainly, because I sucked at Spanish. I took Spanish for three years. THREE years. All I can recall are the normal #1-20, hola, adios, amigo, bano, etc. I don't speak or understand Spanish at all.

So, if it is could be instant and easy...I would want to know how to speak Italian. I think the language is romantic, sexy, and exotic. Plus I want to visit Italy really badly. It is in the LONG off future since our money has gone and will go to infertility costs.

C'est la another language! Go me!


Monday, November 26, 2012

Giving God Thanks (even for the crappy stuff!)

Happy Monday to you all!

I hope your Monday after the long weekend was as good as mine. My kids weren't horrible today. They were productive and for middle schoolers...sweet. Did I just say that? Watch, tomorrow will be awful. That is how their minds work...make me believe they are wonderful and then BAM...back to normal pre-teens! Oh, how I love them though.

Yesterday, we sat and listened to one of those mind-blowing sermons. It really hit home with me to the point I was in tears. I would open my eyes really wide hoping to keep the tears in, but there was no way I could stop them. I wish that our church had posted the sermon already because it truly was one I would share with everyone, all faiths, all backgrounds. Especially the infertile.

It was based on Thanksgiving and how along the way we have lost sight of what Thanksgiving was established thank God. I mean think about often do you do things for other people and you don't get accolades or thanks? It happens quite frequently and it ticks me off! I often in my passive-aggressive way will say "You're welcome" even when a "Thank you" wasn't uttered.

Well, we do that to God. Even when we look at our lives and see nothing to be thankful for...thank God because he has done everything for you and will continue to do so. Our pastor even mentioned that the not-so-thankful moments in our life we should praise and thank God because He has laid this in front of us for His purposes and Will.

I can't do the sermon justice and if I see that they post this message, I will post it here. Truly eye-opening. I have found many more moments the last 24 hours to thank God. I realized I don't do that nearly enough. I find myself asking for things instead of praising Him for what He has provided for me.

I hope you all have a great week!
(Only 4 more posts for NaBloPoMo!)


Sunday, November 25, 2012

Andrew McCarthy in 1987? Sure.

I have got nothing brain is spent. I think I just need to sleep the day away, or at least WISH I could do that. But that won't happen, sadly. Sundays are somewhat busy days for us. I especially dread the Sunday evening rut. Just knowing I have to get up early and go to work puts me in a bad mood. It makes it ten times worse when I have had a FIVE day weekend. I just know when my alarm goes off tomorrow morning, I am going to wish I could go back in time to Wednesday when this Thanksgiving break started. Ugh! At least our winter break isn't too far off!

Since I am out of writing ideas, I am going to use a NaBloPoMo prompt from last week that I never actually wrote about. It asked, "If you had to get locked in some place (book store, amusement park, etc) overnight alone, where would you choose to be locked in?"

I have told you all before how spooked I get. I am easily scared and being anywhere along, overnight would not really be fun for me. However, the more I think I about this question, it would be a department store.

I could sleep in one of their comfy beds, cook food in the kitchen department, try on clothes I would never buy, bathe in shoes (a fantasy?), collect the designer purses, try out perfume, ride the escalator over and over, play with the toys in the toy department, use the aisles as my personal runway, and maybe make friends with the mannequins.

Have you ever seen the 80's movie, Mannequin? I wonder if the mannequins do really come to life? Ha! It would make my department store lock-in definitely interesting!



Saturday, November 24, 2012


My brother's family is in town this weekend. It has been great to have all of my family together in one place. Last night all 16 family members gathered in our tiny, little house. We ate and played games. It was fabulous! It really makes us thankful for what we have right in front of us.

We easily forget how great we have it. And family is at the top of that list. There is no way we could get through infertility without their support and love, not to mention the countless number of prayers they lift up for us!

My nieces and nephew are growing up so fast too. They aren't babies anymore, more reason why we need a baby! They range in age from 20 and about to get married to 12 and in 6th grade. They are just the sweetest, funniest kids around. We love them so much! We are also so lucky to have two adorable nieces on Jeremy's side, including the newest 3 week old addition. All of them perfect. I can't wait till we can add to both broods! It makes me giddy with anticipation.
I thought this Finally onesie was adorable! Hopefully we are able to get this soon!

P.S. The NaBloPoMo countdown is now at 6 more days!

Friday, November 23, 2012

Happy Black Friday!

I hope everyone had an amazingly thankful Thanksgiving. I know that I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with our families. I also stuffed myself until I could barely walk. Seriously. WAY. TOO. MUCH. FOOD. Ugh!

I am also not one of those crazies that brave the crowds of deal-hungry people on Black Friday. We always go shopping the Saturday after Black Friday. It is much calmer and I am not in threat of getting my noggin put in a head lock over electronics.

I did manage to take my mind off of our screwed up cycle. In fact, I really didn't dwell on it at all yesterday. I made my trip to Dr. Kim's office this morning. Good news, no cysts. So we quite possibly will be ready to start another IUI cycle this month. I am just waiting to hear about our blood work and the plan of action. I do have LOTS of meds left over so I am hoping they don't change that drastically because I want to use either my Gonal F or Follistim because I have both.

BTW, only 7 more posts for NaBloPoMo!!


Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am easily wrapped up into the suckiness of my life. I focus on our empty nursery down the hall. I focus on our toy-free house. I often complain about our infertility on this blog. I voice frustrations. I get out my frustrations and sadness (especially as of lately).

I don't want you to think that I am a miserably, bitter person. I really don't think that I am. I know that our situation, as well as many of yours, sucks. Infertility does suck. There are so many aspects of infertility that just plain suck.

But so many of us are so fortunate. For the most part, we have an amazing life. We are fortunate enough to go through these treatments and actually plan for a baby. We are going to be SO prepared to have a baby, and way more prepared than the fertile community!

That being said, I want to focus on the many things I am so thankful for.

  • God
  • My hubster
  • My amazingly supportive family
  • Our friends (even though fertile) are amazing and so are their children!
  • My co-workers and friends at work
  • The legacy and lessons my grandparents left me
  • Running as a stress relief
  • My dogger, Bella, and cat, Lola
  • Our home
  • Dr. Kim and the staff at KU Med
  • Eye liner, without I look like a ghost
  • Smart phones, what did I do without it?
  • DVR, no more commercials
  • Good health
  • Wireless Internet
  • Warm bed
  • Coffee
  • Indoor plumbing
  • And.....all of YOU! This blog has introduced me to fabulous people. I love reading your blogs and sharing my blog with you. I feel like many of us would be friends in "real life" easily. You have been there through the crap and cheered me on in the good. I am blessed to have "met" all of you!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! We are off to one of multiple eating frenzies.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

That Time Again...Welcome ICLW

Welcome all ICLWers! I can't believe it is already this time again. The last month has flown by. Last month, we were doing nothing and the plan was to wait until the spring to proceed with adoption or treatment. Shortly after ICLW ended, we decided that while we are waiting, we were going to try a couple IUIs again.

The cycle moved quickly. I responded to meds, which never happens. I ovulated on my own on CD 13, again, never happens. They had to move up the IUI. I immediately had feelings of this not working. I started spotting CD 23, way too early. I think I started to believe the nurse that this could be implantation bleeding. Well, yesterday, CD 24, I realized it was the dreaded Aunt Flo.

So this IUI didn't work. I am waiting to hear back from Dr. Kim's office to determine what now...we are thinking of doing one more IUI next month, if my body allows it that is.

I am also participating in NaBloPoMo this month. It is through BlogHer and I have to post on my blog EVERYDAY in the month of November. This has been quite the challenge for me but I have made it so far. After today, only nine more days of posting. I. Can. Do. It. But feel free to check out the last 20 posts of rambling thoughts in November.

I look forward to following all of your blogs and learning from you. I love ICLW because it gives me the chance to step out and meet others going through this crazy thing called infertility.

Happy Commenting!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

My Path Whether I Like it or Not

First of all, Amanda at Growing Griswolds is PREGNANT! She got an amazing BETA today so I am thrilled for her.

 I was unsure of how to start off this blog post. I don't want it to be a downer because so many great things are still happening. So I thought the best way to start off was with this amazing news. I love hearing about the infertile becoming fertile. It gives me hope for our situation.

Now, for a bit of the downer...Aunt Flo reared her ugly head. The light spotting and cramping yesterday were obviously not implantation bleeding because today is heavy spotting and cramping. It is a crazy early period but it is what it is.

I am so disappointed even though I knew that this cycle didn't feel right. It was easy for us to picture telling our families and friends that we were pregnant. It was easy for us to envision our first ultrasound. I even found myself looking at my belly more than I should.

So, we are faced with what to do now. I think we will try another iui soon...maybe start this cycle if there are no cysts. But the bigger issue is handing it over to God. Because we can do the treatments and we can hope for the baby of OUR dreams...but if God isn't ready for us to be parents (or parents at all) then it isn't going to happen.

I am struggling with the thought of never being a mom. But what if that is what God has planned for us? Is childlessness something Jeremy and I can deal with? We have to decide when we give it up to Him and start living our lives without thinking about infertility.

I have a wonderful friend at work who literally held me and prayed while I sobbed in her arms. I couldn't have made it through the rest of the day without spilling my guts to her. She is such a strong role model for me. She has an amazing faith and love for God. I am so lucky to have her in my life. Somehow, God knew that I needed her in my life at this exact time of my life.

I often just put a smile on my face and tell everyone I am fine. I even lie on here and make it sound like I really am okay with everything. The truth is that I am struggling to see the bigger picture. I have a hard time accepting this path in life as MY path. I don't want to claim this part of my life. But I must.


Monday, November 19, 2012

A Cluster of Un-awesomeness & Bitterness

Let me start off by saying that I tried to not get my hopes up this cycle. I tried really hard. But then as the two week wait went on, I slowly, deep down had really positive thoughts. I started feeling every twinge and every cramp and thought that this could be it. Jeremy and I started having conversations of what would we do, what would we say, how would we react. I even had dreams I was actually pregnant. Some crazy and wacky, but still got my hopes up.

I have been super crampy the last couple days and started spotting today. Not a lot. Barely there actually. I called the doctor and left a a message on the nurse's line. I know I won't hear back until tomorrow since it is nearly 4:30 central time. I am not new to this cycle game. They are going to tell me not to worry and that it could be implantation spotting. I am CD 23 and 10 days post ovulation, 8 days post iui. I get it, it very well could be.

But what if it isn't? I berate myself for believing in this cycle's dream. I blame myself for getting both of our hopes too high only to start over again.

I heard a talk on bitterness on K-Love a few days ago. A man on there explained bitterness to be a barrier we build around our heart. We put it there to prevent us from feeling. We put it there to prevent our heart from hurting. But God doesn't want us to be bitter. He wants us to feel, even if it hurts. It means we are alive. We learn from those feelings to better ourselves and our relationships. (Keep in mind, this is one man's interpretation.)
I know that I should not try to protect myself but I don't know how else to deal with the emotional roller coaster of infertility. I think we have to build those barriers around our heart because otherwise my heart would have broken into a thousand pieces long ago.

I know that however this cycle turns up, we will march forward. I just wish that we could march forward with a pregnant belly and healthy baby. I pray that these symptoms are just from implantation. The barrier around my heart wasn't as strong this time; my heart is going to break a little.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

God, Christmas, Prayers

Good morning! It is such a beautiful morning in KC today. Wish I was running, but instead I am getting ready to go to church. We haven't been to church in a couple weeks either for our IUI last week or being out of town the previous week. I know that the physical building of the church isn't much to some people. However, being able to sing and worship God every week really does recharge my spirit. I feel like my week goes better when I have taken the time to praise God. It gives me a focus of Him for the rest of the week. I have missed our church friends and am actually so excited to get there!

I also caved and put up some of our Christmas decorations last night. Lola, the evil cat, is in heaven. She loves Christmas. The dangling ornaments, the ribbons on presents, and lights. She has been more pleasant the last 24 hours than she has in months.

Also, say a prayer for my friend, Amanda, over at Growing Griswolds. She is 6dp5dt and has a very strong pink line for pregnancy. Pray that those healthy babies stick and she has a healthy, successful pregnancy.


Saturday, November 17, 2012

Day 17...ugh!

As you know, I am sick of NaBloPoMo. I forgot why I thought this was a good idea. After this post, I will only have 13 more posts. I. Can. Do. This. I am all for accepting challenges and beating them. I don't even think there is a prize for NaBloPoMo but it proves something to myself.

Since I don't have much to share...and they don't give me prompts on the is your funny for the day:

Here is your inspirational for the day:

Have a great weekend!

Friday, November 16, 2012

No Ghosts for This Wuss!

The NaBloPoMo prompt for today is "Would you buy your dream house if the price was right BUT you also were told it was inhabited by ghosts?"

(By the way, I am tiring quickly from having to make a blog post everyday. This NaBloPoMo has definitely challenged me. To be honest, I don't feel like making a post today but I will because I have made it to the half way point and won't give up.)

I have stated before that I am terrified of nearly everything. This includes even the talk of ghosts. I am not necessarily even a believer of ghosts but I still get spooked by the thought of spirits roaming. Let alone have those wayward spirits haunting my home!

So would I buy my dream house? Heck, no! I would rather live in an overly expensive dump of a house than a cheap, haunted dream house. I enjoy sleep and comfort at home. I wouldn't be able to have that if ghosts lived there too!

As for me, I still believe that this progesterone sucks. I took Tylenol (since that is all I can take) to work with me today. Popping those every few hours has helped. I also asked for permission to run or work out. The nurse says it is a no go. They want me to take it easy and not elevate my body temperature or heart rate until we take a HPT next week. I guess it is for the best but the obsessive person inside is dying to run! Here in KC, the weather has been amazing running weather lately. Brisk in the morning and evenings with highs in the 60's. Perfect fall running. Not for this lady. All for the best if this works!


Thursday, November 15, 2012

Headaches & Favorites

I officially hate this Endometrin (progesterone suppositories)! I have had the worst headaches I have ever experienced today. It truly makes me feel like POOP! If I knew how poop felt, I imagine it would be something like how I have felt all day long. My eyeballs could have easily burst out of my eye sockets with the amount of pain I dealt with. Surprisingly enough, I didn't go off on any ill-behaved students. Although, very tempting at times.

NaBloPoMo wants me to declare a favorite pet. I have one of them is getting thrown under the bus.

I know that it is horrible for a mom to play favorites. But...I am pretty sure I was Mom's favorite out of the four kids...right, Mom? Ha! So if it is bad to play favorites, then I am about to be labeled as the worst pet Mom ever! My choice is easy.

  • Lola: 7 year old tabby cat. She weighs in at a whopping 15 pounds. She carries around a satchel of fat around her mid-section. She loves ME. Only me. She licks and nuzzles me. But the honest truth is that Lola is one of the meanest, vindictive cats I have known. She purposefully attacks people and other animals. She will stalk and pounce right when they are feeling safe. She bites Jeremy in his sleep. She never forgets. If you have ever wronged her in any way, she will hold that grudge against you forever. Do I love her? Yes. No one else does. In fact, Lola has quite the reputation in our family as the evil one. My 14 year old nephew is even terrified of Lola. When spending the night at our house, my nephew couldn't sleep because the evil cat snuck into the guest bedroom. True story. By the way, Lola hates our other pet, Bella, with a passion. She walks up and punches her in the face for no apparent reason.
  • Bella: 4 year old beagle. She weighs in at 21 pounds. She is slim and trim for a beagle. She has the sweetest face I have ever seen. Her floppy ears drive me to cute insanity and her eyes melt my heart. She loves EVERYONE. I mean everyone. And I have never met anyone that doesn't immediately love her in return. She is always happy to see us when we get home. It doesn't matter if we were gone for 5 minutes or all day long. She wouldn't harm a fly. Even when the evil one punches her, Bella just looks at her in bewilderment. This does mean that Bella is a push over. She is scared of everything (just like her momma).

The girls...not fighting

Before Miss Bella came along
The girls usual

My Girls
 favorite? Do I even need to state it? Here is a hint...the most lovable one!


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Sweet & Sour Chicken

NaBloPoMo wants me to tell about the best meal I have ever cooked.

Let's start off by saying that my husband is well fed. He gets food cooked for him every night. That doesn't mean any of that is ever considered "good". So my best meal cooked isn't going to be that fabulous.

I am a baker. I love to bake. Ask me my best dessert and I could tell you. That is my forte.

So I asked my husband what my best meal is. He loves when I make sweet and sour chicken. It isn't store bought or frozen. I found this amazing recipe when I started Weight Watchers. It is light on the points but I must say it is pretty tasty. It takes about an hour and a half so it is not a quick meal to make but it definitely is yummy!

For the Chicken

For the Sauce


  1. 1
    Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
  2. 2
    Season chicken with salt and pepper.
  3. 3
    Working in two batches, toss the chicken pieces in cornstarch and then coat with the egg.
  4. 4
    Heat the oil over medium-high heat and again in two batches, brown the chicken, turning it so that all sides are browned but not cooked through.
  5. 5
    Place the chicken in a single layer in a foil lined 9x13 inch baking dish.
  6. 6
    Wisk together the sauce ingredients in a small bowl.
  7. 7
    Pour sauce evenly over the chicken and turn the chicken to ensure each piece is coated.
  8. 8
    Bake for 1 hour, turning the chicken every 15 minutes.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Infertile Bravery

As I continue NaBloPoMo, I am going to try and stay away from the scary topic of THIS CYCLE. Any thoughts I may have come across as negative and so it is best to keep those thoughts pushed deep down. However, I have a confession. I have been googling successes of natural ovulation before trigger shots. I. NEED. TO. STOP.

The question for today is "What is the bravest thing you've ever done?"

I am not a courageous person by definition. I haven't fought off a man-eating zombie. I haven't defended my dog from a bear. I am scared of scary movies. I am scared of even talking about scary movies. If Jeremy shouts or screams out of nowhere, I jump.

I am not brave.

However, many people see what we have been going through the last three years as bravery. I don't necessarily see it that way because it is something we HAVE to deal with. We don't have a choice to choose the easy path. We have to travel down the scary, wooded path of infertility. Yes, I give myself shots. Yes, I have had more blood drained than a vampire's prey. Yes, I have been "wanded" more times than many women could imagine.

Brave? I don't think so. It is out of necessity that us infertiles forge on. If we stop being "brave", our dreams can't become reality. And that is not an option.


Monday, November 12, 2012

Sweats and Sharing News

Well, we are officially in our 2ww (two week wait) now. Nothing exciting will happen in awhile. So my blog will be filled with NaBloPoMo prompts like today.

However, I do have one thought. We don't expect to have news to share in two weeks...but if we do...we probably won't share it immediately. Our families and friends read this and we don't want them to get too excited or too depressed for us. We figured we would wait to make an announcement either way. That way if it does work (big if) we can share after we know everything is going mildly okay and if it doesn't work, we can bask in our sadness before allowing others to feel bad for us. Those of you that do or do not make announcements on positive or negative results immediately, why and how did you decide? I would love to have your input to help make our decision.

Now onto the NaBloPoMo's prompt asked "Where is your favorite place to blog?"

I prefer to have on sweats when blogging...actually, I prefer to have on sweats any time I can. But truly the sweats allow me to think. The comfiest locale is the best place to blog for me. It is sometimes sweats in a bed (preferably my own), sweats on the couch, sweats in the man cave (sometimes I am allowed), sweats outside on the deck (preferably in warmer, milder weather), or even sweats in our office. Common theme...sweats. It is like Sam I am but with sweats.

I can't sit in dress clothes (work clothes) to blog or really do anything. It as if as soon as I get home, the complete wardrobe must change. This is the same rationale with my blogging place as well.


Sunday, November 11, 2012

Everything a Cow Could Want

We arrived at Dr. Kim's office at 9:15am. We noticed we were one of four couples that were there for an IUI.

I am so vocal about infertility when it comes to talking about it on here, the comfort of my blog. But when I wait in Dr. Kim's office where everyone there has issues or similar issues as us, it makes me too nervous to talk. I have no idea why!

Well, today we had plenty of frustrating minutes to wait...together. So eventually the four couples moved to the same side of the waiting room and struck up conversations. At first, it was small talk: "Do you like your Kindle?" "I love your purse." "How about them Chiefs?" etc. After the boys all completed their tasks, we all went our separate ways to kill 45 minutes.

We arrived back at Dr. Kim to see the other couples all gathered to one side again. The boys talked sports, smart phone games, and hunting (this is odd considering Jeremy does hunt?). Us girls chose to share a bit of our stories. Two of the four couples were doing their first IUI. They had such hope in their eyes. They believed that this was it for them. The other couple was experiencing their third IUI. The other two worked but they miscarried.

Then there was us. I didn't want to sound too jaded of all of the screwed-upness that is our infertility life. I tried to sugar coat the craziness of the roller coaster to the hopeful newbies. I don't think I did a great job and my cynical-ness must have creeped out of my mouth somehow. You could tell in their faces that they were worried that their stories could be like ours.

Soon after those conversations, each couple was called back. I found it odd that they just lined us up room after room. The nurse literally went from room to room inseminating us all like we were heifers at Farmer Ben's farm. Jeremy and I had quite the laugh about that. I think I laughed until I cried.

On our way home, I asked Jeremy where our innocence in all this had gone...when did we change from the hopeful newbie to the skeptical pros we are now??

To be honest, I would rather be honest in our expectations than joyfully ignorant. It is better for me to know that this may not work and that is okay. The last couple times, it was a strong feeling of "this is it" and it definitely was not "it". So this time around, we know that odds are against us, especially with my natural ovulation. We are not negative though. We just know that we can't pretend that everything is going to work, not after what we have been through. We have that ounce of hope still in our back pocket and we know that God is in control.

So now I relax in my sweats for the next day. I am going into work for a half day tomorrow.


Saturday, November 10, 2012

God's Plan For Me

No one ever said that life was easy. I don't know why I expect this infertility chapter of our lives to be any different. One cycle may go the way it is supposed to and the next is screwy. I am used to it but it doesn't make it any easier.

I am trying to still remain positive about his IUI cycle. Yes, my body decided to be stubborn...again. But it isn't all lost. We go in tomorrow morning for the insemination. I have to still keep an ounce of hope in my back pocket. Without that small amount of positivity, this situation REALLY sucks.

I can't help but run through all of the disastrous probabilities. I couldn't take the Ovidril trigger shot last night because last time it caused OHSS. So I know that out of my 3 follicles, only 1 will ovulate since I am ovulating naturally. I am praying that it is the largest of the 3 that decide to drop. Then I also worry that we won't be able to jump right into another cycle in December because these large follicles are going to probably create cysts. Ugh! My mind won't shut up.

The only thing that gets me through this painful, defeated day is God. I know that although I am hurting and frustrated...He knows what He is doing. This is following His plan even though I don't get it quite yet. I really wish God could give us a road map of our lives. It would make this easier on me if I knew the end result.

Friday, November 9, 2012

UPDATED: Babies, please! Ovulation, hold on!

I have been having constant cramping since last night. I am so uncomfortable! I can't help but have flashbacks to our IVF debacle this summer. I ovulated on my own a few hours before I was supposed to trigger. It was a disaster!

 I am feeling the same way today. I am crampy and full feeling. My mind is racing and all I see is another disaster. I plan on peeing on ovulation sticks every time I pee! I did get the go ahead to trigger tomorrow night! This means I only have to wait until tomorrow night before my mind will relax a bit. I keep telling my body "Please don't ovulate yet. Please dont ovulate yet." Hopefully, she is getting the hint.

The good news is that I have 3 follicles from 16mm-19mm. I take another Gonal F shot tonight (74iu) and then Ovidril tomorrow night. So our IUI is scheduled for Monday morning. It works out great because my students are out of school that day and Jeremy is off work for Veteran's Day. But I still can't help but be a nervous wreck. I know it must be all in my head...I am just panicked that my worst nightmare will happen...AGAIN!

Last night, Jeremy prayed that I would hand this over to God. I really need to. It is completely out of my hands. If my body wants to be stupid and stubborn, worrying about it isn't going to help any. I am going to try to relax the next 28 hours and stay as positive as I can. Wish me luck on this fete!

On another note, the NaBloPoMo prompt today is such a no-brainer! "If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would it be?"

Well, duh! I want a freaking baby! I would prefer to have a baby the way most of the population does though. I don't enjoy spending money, getting prodded with needles and wands, and the stress of infertility. I want the ease of just saying, "Hey, let's try to have a baby," and BOOM! instant pregnancy. God obviously has other plans for us, and that is fine. However, it still sucks!


UPDATE @5:50: I hate my body! Why can't I catch a break?! Predictor kit tonight says ":)". Normally a smiley face means GREAT...instead it means DISASTER. I can't believe this has happened again. I have not ovulated in two months and now that we spend money on a cycle...she decides to work at the wrong time! I am so frustrated, defeated, and sad.

Dr. Milroy is the doc on call. She recommends we do the "baby dance" tonight and go in for IUI on Sunday morning instead of Monday. She wants to pretend that I took the trigger tonight. I have my doubts of this working especially considering we don't know the exact time I started the LH surge. I know it is in God's hands but it is getting harder and harder to deal with all of this.

Why is my body so screwed?!!!!! Ugh!!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Angry Woman Coming Through

I feel like I have been perpetually angry for a week now. Most times, I don't even know why. I know that it is caused by the Femara and Gonal-F, but I still feel so sensitive. It really is like I am having a constant out of body experience. I furrow my brow, the vein in my forehead pops out, and I narrow my eyes at even the slightest annoyance.

My poor students! My poor husband! They are the ones getting the wrath lately. However, I am starting to feel a bit normal as of lately but it has been a rough week to say the least.

On the IUI front, I can feel the follicles growing. I have been having lots of twinges and cramps. I also have that full feeling. I am hoping that my labs tomorrow morning come back saying we are ready for the trigger! It will be definitely disappointing if I need more shots.

I know that we are supposed to stay positive. BUT...we have decided that if this doesn't work, we will do one more IUI cycle right after this. Our deductible for insurance has been met so they are paying for more of these expenses. Our deductible starts over in January so the more we can get done in 2012, the better. Still hoping that this one is it though!

Have any of you been tested for MTHFR (sounds horrible!)? I have read a few articles on this and am wondering if I should be tested for this? And to be honest, I am still unclear of really what this is...any info would be helpful.

Trying to NOT be so angry!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Lumpy, Hairy Belly

I had my CD 11 check-up today. I have 2 11mm follicles on my left and 1 13mm follicle on my right. I was shocked since I have only had two Gonal-F shots so far. I am usually in the single digits at this time in my cycle. So I was thrilled!

They are leaving my Gonal F injections as the same dosage (also a first for me!). I have had to go up to 300 iu for all of my cycles thus far. I can't believe I am responding on just 75iu. I go back in on Friday and the nurse seemed to think I might be ready to trigger Friday or Saturday evening for an IUI Sunday or Monday! Yay!!

My NaBloPoMo writing prompt today was "What is the last compliment that you received?"

I have got lots of overly nice compliments about my weight loss but those are not the last compliments. Jeremy is used to my weight loss so his compliments are a bit more...sarcastic.

Tonight as I was giving myself my shot in the belly. Jeremy said, "You have a hairy belly! You need to shave that!" To which I replied something not so kind. He recanted with "But your belly isn't nearly as lumpy as it used to be." He said this sincere even though he was being a total a**!

I gotta love him. We have a strange sarcastic relationship that not many people understand. It was a compliment to me, although he comes off as a complete jerk to all of you!


Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Chunky Bar

Happy election day! How great is it that we have the right to vote in this country?! So many people live in worlds where they have no such right. I can't believe how many people do not exercise their right to vote! Shocking to me! Get out and vote people!

While I was at my polling location this evening, a very sweet and kind, older gentleman sat next to me. He had a king size Chunky bar next to him. It was broken in half and he ate one half. He pushed it over to me and said, "Well, little can have the rest." I politely said, "Well, thank you. Chocolate makes everything better."

Here is the chocolate in question

I quickly finished my ballot and took the Chunky bar with me. I want it known that I did not eat the Chunky bar! It was tempting, I tell you. Very rarely do I ever turn down chocolate. But the more I thought it over, the more that this seemed like the start of a bad Lifetime movie.

Old man finds naive girl in basement of church.
Old man politely gives naive girl a chocolate bar.
Naive girl takes chocolate bar.
Old man follows naive girl.
Naive girl eats chocolate.
Naive girl becomes unconscious girl.
Old man kills and dismembers unconscious girl.

(Something like that)

Well, no worries. I did not eat the chocolate. But seriously? How weird is this entire story? I have never actually taken candy from a stranger...until today.

P.S. I go in tomorrow morning for ultrasound and bloodwork. It will be CD 11.


Monday, November 5, 2012

Boycotting & Shooting Myself

I am boycotting the NaBloPoMo idea for my prompt today. It asked my thoughts on the election tomorrow. I make it a habit NOT to talk politics with anyone but my husband. It always creates so many feelings. I piss someone off or they tick my off, etc. So what I will say about the election...I will be SO glad when it is over so I don't have to see commercials, get phone calls, or see gawdy signs classing up our neighborhood.

Now...I just (literally 5 minutes ago) gave myself my first stim shot this cycle. I have never used Gonal F before but used Follistim which was similar. I had no panic attacks and no qualms about doing it. I don't know if it is something I should be proud of. "Yes, I can stab myself over and over again with needles without freaking out." What a talent?!

I am getting so excited for many of blogging friends. I love hearing that retrievals are coming up, trigger shots given, or those of you that are just starting a new cycle with me. I am thinking of you all!


Sunday, November 4, 2012

Auntie Lisa

I am used to the term "Auntie Lisa" or "Aunt Lisa". All of my friends' babies know me (or I call myself) "Auntie Lisa". This is on top of all of our nieces and nephews who I am a legitimate aunt to.

Yesterday, I became a legitimate aunt to my 9th baby! We have a new niece, Olivia, who I am dying to meet. In fact, I am making a quick post to fulfill my NaBloPoMo requirement so we can get to the hospital to meet her! She was close to being born on my birthday which would have been exciting.

I haven't had a baby niece or nephew in FOREVER! If I don't count my gorgeous, illegitimate nieces or nephews by my friends, I haven't had a baby niece on my side of the family for 12 years! Jeremy's niece (now big sister) is 9. So this baby will be spoiled rotten!

No news to report on our cycle. I took my last of the Femara last night. I do nothing tonight. Tomorrow we have our first Gonal F injection (75iu). I am worried about not responding as fast as they need me. I am gun shy after our disastrous IVF cycle where my body did strange and unusual things. I am hoping the body doesn't try and pull those shenanigans again.


Saturday, November 3, 2012

Nothing Going on Up Here

I knew that I would be challenged by NaBloPoMo and having to post every single day. But I didn't expect that it would come on the third day of the challenge. They only days I have to think about what to write are the weekends when I don't have a prompt to answer. Well I have nothing intelligent, witty, sarcastic, fun, exciting, or motivational to post today.

So I leave with someone else being one of the above. Have a great weekend!


Friday, November 2, 2012

Northwesternly Love

I am NaBloPoMo-in' it up again for day 2. The question for today is "If you could live anywhere, where would you live?"

Jeremy and I fell in love with the Northwest when we visited Seattle, WA in 2010. True love. We have picked out our house (one we can't afford. ever.), researched jobs, etc. It is probably the most gorgeous part of our country (although I am sure up for debate). I love the mountains, the sound, the city-life of Seattle, the food. All of the above. So, we always say we will retire to Washington/Oregan area.

So here is an awesome BEFORE picture of my weightloss! This is me in Seattle but with an extra 52+ pounds on me.

However, our families aren't there. Our friends aren't there. But when we win the lottery (first, we have to play), we will live there and fly home often. Because of course, our families will want to see our CHILDREN that we WILL have!

One more day on Femara and first stim shot is on Monday! IUI cycles go so much faster, I nearly forgot! Heck we could have our IUI as early as next Friday! However, I am a known late responder so I doubt it will be that soon.

For now, off to my birthday dinner with my hubster!


Thursday, November 1, 2012

Last Year in my Twenties :(

My twenties have been awesome! I had the most fun, biggest changes, greatest challenges, heartbreak, love, success, and failure. I LOVE being in my twenties. That is why on my 29th birthday today, I feel as if there is a lot to do in the next year. First thing---GET PREGNANT! That has been on my list for a few birthdays so far...still waiting. I know that 30 isn't old...but it marks me being old under fertility standards.

However, here is what I have to look forward to in my thirties:
  • I WILL be a mom
  • I WILL be a skinnier/healthier me
  • I WILL have better skin
  • I WILL be smarter, wiser ( I know it is hard to top where I am at but I bet I can try!)
  • I WILL be more in love with my hubby than I am now
  • I WILL make more money (let's hope)

So, I plan on enjoying my last year of my twenties. Yes, 3-0 scares me still. But I am positive many great things will happen in the next decade.

Meanwhile, I have decided to join NaBloPoMo. There is an icon over there on my page but it is going to truly challenge me! I need to post on my blog EVERYDAY during the month of November. This means weekends and holidays too. I have some writing prompts that will get me through the weeks.

Today's prompt asked me my favorite quotation and why. So, of course, I turned to my Pinterest page which is filled with collected quotes that I love.

I love this quote for many reasons. First of all, it applies to so many areas of life but most importantly it fits so well with an infertile's life. There are so many things we WANT in life. Some dreams we eventually give up on or change our minds. I will NEVER change my mind or give up on our dream of having children. I know that it is everything I have ever wanted. If only we had a magic ball that showed us our future...only then will this infertility all make sense.
I look forward to posting everyday this month...hopefully I can keep it up!