Tuesday, January 31, 2012


I think change is the hardest thing to endure as a human being. We are creatures of habit. When our habit is disrupted, it is quite a blow to our routines.

Just the thought of changes develops tiny, fluttering monarchs in my stomach. However, change can be SO good! All of the great things in my life have had something to do with change. So why is it so scary?!

Changes for the Good:
  1. I moved to Lincoln, NE to go to college where I knew no one. I met amazing people there and learned that athletic training in NOT for me. It showed me that I was supposed to teach.
  2. I moved home from Lincoln, NE and met even more amazing people from UMKC. I also found my niche.
  3. My heart was broken for the first time. It only made me stronger. It also opened the door for the best man in the world, Jeremy, to come into my life.
  4. My marriage and sharing a home with someone was a HUGE adjustment!
  5. Moving away from south of the river and being "forced" to live north was a welcomed change. I love it up here!
  6. Living through infertility is quite a different life than I expected.
  7. And finally...where to go from here?

I have been praying fervently recently to have God show me the way in my career. I have been actively looking for a new district for a couple of years. I love teaching my kids in Raytown and the lovely people I work with, but there are changes on the horizon.

Applying for other jobs was just that...applying. I wasn't really taking them as serious options. BUT now, I see that I am going to be making decisions to change my world...again!

I know that God knows where I am supposed to be and He will show me the right time to CHANGE. It doesn't make it easy though.

However, I will say that these changes on the horizon have taken the focus off of infertility even if only for a brief time.

I am trying to let God lead the way and show me the right changes to make in my life. As we all should. I want every change that is made be something that honors Him and His plan for me.


Wednesday, January 25, 2012


First of all, I am SUPER stoked to be down 7.6 pounds on Weight Watchers. It is suprisingly easy to follow. However, Jeremy has lost 6 pounds and he isn't even following it like I am. He is just eating my cooking! So frustrating how men lose so much quicker than women. Ugh!

I read this passage last night and this made me think of how this passage can be intrepreted.

John 1:5 says "The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." I have read this passage before without attaching much feeling or emotion to it. Last night was different.

Infertility can be a very dark time in life. I know that this is the case for us. This time of darkness is hard to comprehend as well. We struggle with lots of questions surrounding our infertility. Should we continue the same fertility treatment? Should we look into saving for in vitro? Is it our time to consider adoption?

My family is always great to remind me that I need to trust in God and nothing else. However, it is so hard to see answers in the dark. I need light to shine in my surroundings to know where to turn. I immediately thought this when reading John 1 last night.

This thought provoked me to read more. Jesus said "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life" in John 8:12. He has promised to be with me through all of life's joys and sorrows.

Isn't that great? For all of us? Even when I have found myself in the dark the last two and half years, I know that the Light of the World is with me.

He promises to shine His light even in this darkness of infertility.


Saturday, January 21, 2012

We are not alone in our pain

This video is amazing. It puts it in perspective of the pain that so many are suffering through. What ever we are going through, we are not alone. Our pain is not unique. There is always someone that relates. I also love that all of these women and men are placing their love and trust in God. So empowering!

Friday, January 20, 2012

The Small Things

There's that saying that says something like "Don't sweat the small stuff."

To the writer of that quote, I say "Easier said than done."

I am one of those detail-oriented people. I have a list of "small stuff" that just plain drive me crazy. Here is a quick sampling:
*Being woke up just a few minutes before the alarm goes off
*The incessant meowing from my eager, ornery cat who wants fed at 4:45pm instead of 5:00pm (yes, 15 minutes but she MUST remain on schedule)
*When people move my chaotic stack of papers, coupons, books, etc. (It may look like a mess, but I know where everything is)

I hate that I let "small stuff" bug me. Especially the small things that bring me back to the negative thoughts dealing with infertility. I really try to do a good job of covering my feelings about infertility. I go to work and am able to pretend that I am not suffering with childlessness. I pretend that I am not hurting although the pain is unbearable. I have become an expert at suppressing those feelings until I am comfortable within the walls of my home.

However, some "small stuff" makes it really hard to keep everything together. And if you have never dealt with the feeling of helplessness like women dealing with infertility do everyday, then some of what I may say will sound ridiculous. You don't have to follow that with pity. I am not pitiful. I am strong.


The dentist. Yep, the dentist. I have an appointment every six months. I go to get a cleaning and x-rays. Every time I go, they ask the same question before placing the heavy, radiation-blocking apron across my body, "Is there any chance that you are pregnant?" A simple question.

However, this simple question that is asked every 180 days also reminds me that it has been 180 days without pregnancy news. It has been another six months of tears, disappointment, and sadness.

It isn't like I didn't already know that I wasn't pregnant. I know that...heck, I LIVE that everyday. I know that I am not pregnant! But that simple question that I expect going to the dentist brings all of those feelings to the forefront.

Simple, right? The dentist. But as that visit is looming in the next couple of weeks, it leaves me aching even more than normal. Because yes, it has been another six months.

Even though simple things like dreading the dentist for "the question" instead of the horrible things that can happen to my tiny mouth, I still know that it is God's will.

Don't get me wrong, even though I may stress out, I know that God is in control of my life. He has a plan and I am just trotting along waiting for him to show me the way.


Tuesday, January 17, 2012


We get inspiration from the strangest places. Sometimes from seeing what others have done, sometimes taking a walk around the block, or in my case recently from PINTEREST! It is addicting and I need to stop but I just love it so much. I found this "pin" and it is fueling my inspiration for today's blog:

How true is this?! Seriously. This sums up pretty much every life experience anyone has ever had. God has purposely placed obstacles and experiences in our life. He has planned our lives out perfectly.

I (and hopefully I am not alone in this) blame God when things go awry. It is so easy to say "God, why are you doing this to me? How could you let that person die? Why can't you fix this?" We reach out to Him with anger and bitterness in our heart. Everyone does it. If you say that you have never experienced this shortcoming, then you must be able to walk on water!

The best part is that God doesn't turn His back on us even when we do Him.

This quote shows me that God is always there to calm me, God's child. So when I want to scream, cry, and feel pity; God is there to comfort me. When I want to shout at Him in a moment of weakness, He will still be there to calm me.

For without these "storms" in my life, I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't have learned what He taught. I wouldn't see the glorious gifts He has waiting for me.

Without this "never ending hurricane" of infertility, Jeremy and I cannot become the people He needs us to be. Without the heartbreaking pain every month childless, we cannot grow as a married couple or brothers and sisters in Christ.

Think about every hardship that you have lived through...now think of how that changed you as a person. Were you able to share your story and help someone else? Were you able to better understand God's plan for you? Were you able to grow closer to Him?

Life is a journey. There are storms. There is sunshine. And sometimes a mild winter day (like we have had recently). God is there through it all. It makes me feel safe because God is with me no matter what.


Wednesday, January 11, 2012


So I am on the long road to a better me!

First week of Weight Watchers and I lost 4 pounds! I was so excited!

Isn't it weird that you don't realize changes until someone tells you? I honestly didn't think that I lost anything. I was surprised but as I left the meeting, I magically felt like I had changed. It just took the meeting and weigh in to give me some confidence.

I need to do a better job at building myself up. I definitely don't give myself enough credit. Granted God works through me everyday and He knows what I am capable of. It is just too bad that I have lacked that self-confidence; that is until tonight.

I am looking forward to the journey. I have  about 46 pounds more to go before I reach my goal weight but this first week definitely boosted my confidence.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13


Monday, January 9, 2012


Prayer is important. It didn't used to be important to me and I only prayed when I needed something from God and that was a bad habit to get into. I started studying and realizing that I was too needy. I needed to recognize the blessings that God has so richly blessed me with. So I started a new habit to replace my bad one.

Everyday on the way to work, I spend it in prayer. It is a 25 minute drive and it allows me to focus for the day. I put on my Women of Faith praise team CD and sing right along with it. I then thank God for the day, my family, my friends, my job, and all the many gifts that He has given me. It prevents me from begging Him for things that I want.

So often, we just use God as a sounding board to our problems. How often do we actually praise Him in our talks with Him? I know that I wasn't. I challenge you to start using your talks with God to be more about what you already have than what we really want. It has changed my relationship with Him and also changed my outlook on my life.

Of course, I still find myself asking God for things. Be it a family, protection, guidance, or the health of people. But I am making more of an effort to praise Him. I am not a perfect conversationalist with God, I try. And that's all that matters.

Here is the quick prayer I prayed this morning:

Thank you, God for this new week and new day. I know that Mondays can be difficult but I know that you are with me guiding my way. I will use this day to honor you. Thank you for my loving husband who loves me for who I am. I am so glad that you chose him to be my partner in life. Thank you for guiding me to the path of teaching. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life. I am especially grateful for my family. They have helped me get to this point in my life and their influence guided me to you. Be with me throughout this day. When I start to waiver, I know that you will be there with me to put me on the right path. Direct me to make the right decisions for my kids and for my life today. It is in your Son's name that I pray. Amen.


Friday, January 6, 2012

The Joy of Success

As a middle school teacher, we have days where we leave just utterly ticked off. Something happened, or didn't happen; you feel like nothing was accomplished; the kids were just off; I was just off, etc.

BUT today wasn't one of those days! I left feeling great.

It isn't often in normal day to day life where you get the feeling of overwhelming success, like you have made a difference. Luckily, in a teacher's every day to day life, we do! I love the "a-ha" moment. I love to see my "kids" learning and loving it. I love seeing them change and grow. I see it all the time.

Those moments keep me going. I may have a bad day but it could be the next day when a kid tells me that they know I really love them and I am not just pretending. It could be the next day when a kid tells me that he never knew he could write like he did.

I am so used to these great kid moments that make my life as a teacher worthwhile. BUT I don't usually feel successful outside of work. I go home and I have a great husband who I love unconditionally but I don't feel successful there. It is no great fete to love him. I just do. Our marriage just works, we don't have to work it.

Today, I felt successful outside of work. I received an email from a friend who had been reading my blog. (I hope she doesn't mind me posting this!) I know that God knew I needed that email from her right then. I was feeling down and a little off around lunch time, like nothing was going right. After reading her spontaneous email, I was in tears. But not depressing tears, happy ones. I was so touched that she would take the time to write those encouraging words. She said all of the right things that I needed at that time. She was building me up and making me feel better about myself. I don't think she will ever know how much that email touched me today.

Another example of why I am so blessed. I have amazing friendships and amazing people around me. That includes my "kids". God has put all of these supports in my life. Each experience that I live through pushes me closer and closer to Him.

HE allows me to feel successful. HE allows me to be strong. HE guides and directs my path. HE nurtures and loves me in even my darkest times. HE is my rock.

I hope you get to feel success today. It is such a great feeling!


Wednesday, January 4, 2012


So I have started working on my resolutions for 2012. If you talk to any of my friends or colleagues, they will tell you that I am a control freak. And I am. However, I think God has given me a great obstacle to overcome through infertility. I KNOW that I can't control everything but I just WANT to control everything.

Yes, I shouldn't freak when Jeremy doesn't make the bed correctly. Yes, I shouldn't freak when a coworker switches up the order that I eat my lunch. Yes, I should allow a student teacher to come into my classroom without having anxiety attacks. However, all of the above mentioned and a list of many other oddities of my controlling nature are very true.

So by God placing this uncontrollable obstacle in my way, I am learning. As much as it hurts, I know that God has chosen me to be strong and learn from this experience. There are many great things that lie ahead of me, but hopefully I will continue to learn and grow.

On another resolution, I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting tonight. I was so scared. I have never been in a situation like weighing in public and then openly proclaiming I AM FAT to 100 strangers. (For the record, I did not have to proclaim "I am fat", my presence in the room took care of that). However, I did learn from that hour of my life. It was not a waste of time and I am excited to start this journey to a thinner me. The director, Becky, kept asking the same question which yielded many different responses from the audience (I sat quietly, of course): 'What do you believe about yourself in 2012?'

Well, some of the veteran Weight Watcherians declared something about their weight (DUH!). But I was thinking more along the lines of fertility. Why can't I believe, yet again, that this was our year for family answers? It was such a great question. If you believe, you can achieve, right? So, why not?


Sunday, January 1, 2012

Just Relax...

So today was a lazy day. Instead of going, going, going like we normally do. We stopped. We relaxed. We did NOTHING. It was just what I hope my year is like. Calm. Loving. Relaxing. I walked the neighborhood with my furbaby, Bella. I cuddled up with a book, pjs, the hubby, and the couch. Although, I am a restless person and sitting still for too long makes me batty. It still helped me see what a relaxing life can be.

"All you need to do is just relax and it will happen."
Everyone gives advice for getting pregnant. Not that I don't appreciate it; I do. But in all do respect to those people, their words aren't always helpful and sometimes hurtful. I have developed a thick skin to the comments and suggestions. However, if you catch me on a bad day...that relax comment could send me into an all-out, unstoppable meltdown.

I pinned this from Pinterest. (If you haven't signed up for Pinterest, you really MUST! It is my addiction!)

Before I was faced with this infertility life that I live, I was ignorant to some of these same things. In fact, a younger, naive girl about 8 years ago once asked a childhood friend and his wife, "So, when are you guys going to pop out some children?" I knew I misspoke by the look on their faces. I often think about that moment and hope that I didn't offend them or upset them.

As I was getting more and more knowledge from infertility books and resources, I ran across a great chapter of a book. In fact, I loved this chapter so much that I adapted it to a letter to my closest supporters. I sent this as a message to four women who are my rocks and all now happen to be mommies:

Hi guys. I love all of you very much and lean on you as my support team. That is why I am sharing this with you. I have been reading this book, Every Drunken Cheerleader: Why Not Me? In this book, the author has a whole section of rules and things for the supporters of the fertility-challenged like me. It isn’t meant to slam you for all you have done. I just thought I’d try to support you in return. The author recommends giving you the book to read but I thought her general friend rules were good. If you don’t read them, I understand but wanted you to kind of have an insight into how I feel. Love you all!!
All of the following is a quote from the book:

General Rules:
Please start listening to us.
When we come to you with our news that the cards of our fertility are a part of a hand that should be folded, you don’t need to say anything. Just take a large sigh, let your eyes fill up with tears on our behalf but don’t feel obligated to make excuses like “it will happen” or to stroke our head with proverbial encouragement. More often than not, we need someone to recognize our breaking heart, not to sew it back together. In the midst of doctors, procedures, and decisions, a woman can feel unheard. It is a much-needed refreshment to have you there to hear us. When we call you, if you could just listen to us, you will solve ninety percent of our worries. If you don’t say much, then you are less likely to say something wrong.

Don’t leave things open ended.
If you say that you are there if we need you, then be there a lot. We need you a lot. Call us, check in on us, ask us questions, stop by, invite us out. We need you in a way that is hard to communicate. You might be the one that makes our day ten times better. We don’t want fraud like understanding. Please, please don’t compare your life to ours or just because someone else you know went through this means we should get together over coffee and become well.

Be aware.
If we are together and someone just announced her pregnancy, it’s ok for you to slightly give us that knowing look. That understanding glance may be the one things that alleviates the embarrassing tears. Please make sure that look is not one of “poor you.” You know that gesture. It is the one where you lower your head, furrow your brow and make droopy eyes. It should be more a look of are you ok cause if not, I will fake a seizure right here to get the attention onto something else. Sincerity and the depth of our friendship will be the two factors that make this succeed or fail.

Save us.
If we are in a room with other moms and the only subject is pregnancy, child birth, or children, then please change the subject if only for a while, for our sake. There are 84,000 other topics in the universe that can be discussed among friends.

Be sensitive.
Be sensitive to our feelings about what is going on. It is hard to quantify with examples. Just try to be sensitive to our sensitivity as possible without being overly sensitive.

Be extra sensitive on baby shower days.

Screen the news
Don’t assume that we are ok with hearing so and so is pregnant or so and so just had her baby. Use good judgment. Don’t give us those puppy dog eyes which ask us to tell you how crappy it makes us feel. Just tell us and then move on. If we want to discuss it more, we will.

Know your audience
Create a politically correct ending to your story if you are telling a group it took you a whole six months to get pregnant. Not only is this helpful for those of us you know are already going through fertility treatments, but its good for general less known groups too.

Allow us to leave.
We would appreciate permission to leave any social gathering early and without an excuse. As one of our very best friends, you should automatically know it is because we got sad and needed the comfort of our couch and that it is perfectly fine. Don’t go after us or make a scene about it. Let us go. If we need you, we will signal you in some way. But don’t point it out to others or make an issue of it later.