My Path Whether I Like it or Not

First of all, Amanda at Growing Griswolds is PREGNANT! She got an amazing BETA today so I am thrilled for her.

 I was unsure of how to start off this blog post. I don't want it to be a downer because so many great things are still happening. So I thought the best way to start off was with this amazing news. I love hearing about the infertile becoming fertile. It gives me hope for our situation.

Now, for a bit of the downer...Aunt Flo reared her ugly head. The light spotting and cramping yesterday were obviously not implantation bleeding because today is heavy spotting and cramping. It is a crazy early period but it is what it is.

I am so disappointed even though I knew that this cycle didn't feel right. It was easy for us to picture telling our families and friends that we were pregnant. It was easy for us to envision our first ultrasound. I even found myself looking at my belly more than I should.

So, we are faced with what to do now. I think we will try another iui soon...maybe start this cycle if there are no cysts. But the bigger issue is handing it over to God. Because we can do the treatments and we can hope for the baby of OUR dreams...but if God isn't ready for us to be parents (or parents at all) then it isn't going to happen.

I am struggling with the thought of never being a mom. But what if that is what God has planned for us? Is childlessness something Jeremy and I can deal with? We have to decide when we give it up to Him and start living our lives without thinking about infertility.

I have a wonderful friend at work who literally held me and prayed while I sobbed in her arms. I couldn't have made it through the rest of the day without spilling my guts to her. She is such a strong role model for me. She has an amazing faith and love for God. I am so lucky to have her in my life. Somehow, God knew that I needed her in my life at this exact time of my life.

I often just put a smile on my face and tell everyone I am fine. I even lie on here and make it sound like I really am okay with everything. The truth is that I am struggling to see the bigger picture. I have a hard time accepting this path in life as MY path. I don't want to claim this part of my life. But I must.

-Lisa-

Angry Woman Coming Through

I feel like I have been perpetually angry for a week now. Most times, I don't even know why. I know that it is caused by the Femara and Gonal-F, but I still feel so sensitive. It really is like I am having a constant out of body experience. I furrow my brow, the vein in my forehead pops out, and I narrow my eyes at even the slightest annoyance.

My poor students! My poor husband! They are the ones getting the wrath lately. However, I am starting to feel a bit normal as of lately but it has been a rough week to say the least.

On the IUI front, I can feel the follicles growing. I have been having lots of twinges and cramps. I also have that full feeling. I am hoping that my labs tomorrow morning come back saying we are ready for the trigger! It will be definitely disappointing if I need more shots.

I know that we are supposed to stay positive. BUT...we have decided that if this doesn't work, we will do one more IUI cycle right after this. Our deductible for insurance has been met so they are paying for more of these expenses. Our deductible starts over in January so the more we can get done in 2012, the better. Still hoping that this one is it though!

Have any of you been tested for MTHFR (sounds horrible!)? I have read a few articles on this and am wondering if I should be tested for this? And to be honest, I am still unclear of really what this is...any info would be helpful.

Trying to NOT be so angry!
-Lisa-