For those of you that are trying for your take home baby, this is for you. For those of you that are blessed (like me) to receive the lovable take home baby(ies) we hoped for, you may agree (or not).
I initially thought that infertility was just a short chapter to my life. It turns out, infertility never left me. It is a part of who I am and possibly always will be. It is true that the twins have seemingly completed our infertility struggles.
consumes us. It overwhelms every part of us. It infiltrates our emotions, our
relationships, our finances, our intimacies. It becomes so much a part of so
much of who we are.
Without realizing it, we begin to expect people around us
to understand what it’s like to be infertile. We long for understanding that we
cannot even verbalize. I wonder if we are not holding people to a standard that
only God Himself can meet?
I know that I expected everyone to understand what I was going through...even Jeremy. I disliked and loathed the idiots that unknowingly made stupid comments like "Why haven't you two had children yet?" or "Do you not want kids?" or "Are you doing it right?" or "Have you tried this?" or "You can borrow mine!" I found myself more focused on their idiocracy and insensitivity.
I still find myself dodging these same idiots. Except now they come with insensitive comments about how we obtained the twins. "Twins?" or "Do twins run in the family?" or "Gosh! I am glad they are yours." I really want to spew our entire struggle to them. I want to tell them that we spent thousands of dollars, cried millions of tears, and prayed countless prayers for these twins. Yes, they run in the family but we also had to have medical intervention.
But then I realize that the masses don't understand or know too much about the infertile world or my infertile mind.
Infertility is a lot of things. It is a physical, emotional, relational and financial crisis in a young couple’s life. It is an anvil on which many marriages are strengthened and some are destroyed.
That infertile mind doesn't go away. The pain is lessened by the smiles of my babies but I still hurt for the "abnormal" process that we had to go through to get these babies. I hurt for the so many women and men that are still in the trenches of IF. I know that those couples are facing the insensitive men and women who just don't understand.
I am sorry that you are having to paste a fake smile on your face when you answer their questions with "Yes, we want children. We will have them in due time. [nervous laugh]" (At least that was my blanket response.)
So, I posted pictures through pregnancy. I post pictures of my babes. But know that I am still infertile. I just pray and hope for your struggle to be lessened because from here on out...being an infertile never ends. We will always be infertile.