Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Sadness + Stress = Subpar"ness"

Life happens.
Crappy life happens.


We know this. We are infertiles. Which means we also completely get how life events really do change all elements of our lives. We may not be able to focus on our jobs or friends when we are in the middle of a cycle or give our husbands as much attention when we are mourning a loss or BFN. Our stress and sadness makes us less of ourselves. At least, that was always the case with me. I became subpar. Not great at really anything...just existing.


That was three years ago now. And somehow the last month (or really 25 days) has really brought my world to a stop. My new normal is not normal at all.


It all started on Easter (look for adorable twin pics in another picture post). We had a great day. The babies were pretty well behaved during church, they played great with all of their cousins, and they just looked so darn cute hunting eggs! As we settled back into home around 6pm that evening, I received a call that I have dreaded but knew would come some day. It was my brother. My dad was in an ambulance on his way to the hospital.


My dad is a 70 year old stubborn guy that is a lovable teddy bear inside. But he has COPD. He has been on oxygen for 13ish years. His condition is getting progressively worse...there's no cure for emphysema or COPD. He manages fairly well and knows his limits.


Easter he wasn't feeling the best. He was struggling to catch his breath. The ambulance was called. They took him by ambulance but rerouted to a closer hospital then where we initially wanted to send him due to his condition. They had to intubate him and hook up to a ventilator.


We found out he had the flu. Great! We can treat that and get him better. So he was sedated and treated for the flu. The time came to wean him off of the ventilator and it didn't go well. He wound up getting sicker and it sent a shock to his entire body. Other organs started having issues. He even had issues coming out of sedation.


Day 14 in the hospital, we were told to say goodbye. That feeling. The feeling of utter sorrow. I shouted, screamed, and cried that ugly cry you see in movies. It hit me that my Daddy, my first love, my supporter, my caregiver, my rock, my role model...was going to die.


But he didn't. My whole family was there with him. We gave him permission to go if he wanted to do but if he had fight in him...then he better fight. And fight he did.


Fast forward to day 17 in the ICU, he had surgery to get a trach ventilator instead of the tubes down his throat. That day, he was able to kiss me! In three days time, I said goodbye knowing I would never be able to kiss my dad to kissing him! We thought we were on our way to recovery.


They transferred him to long term care facility at day 21. He is there to wean him off of the ventilator. Day 23 he is back in the ICU due to difficulties with weaning again. Day 24 he codes due to trach dislodged. And here we are...in holding. He will most likely move back to the long term care facility this week to try and wean again. He mouths words to us and I try to decipher what he is saying. He smiles. He kisses. He is alive. But he has a long road to recovery.


My life has been centered around his family emergency for nearing a month.


All of many jobs are maintained but really subpar. I am not doing anything particularly well. I am just existing. Sometimes the overwhelming feeling of failure makes me weep.


As a mom, I am not here as much. Harper and Max often say "Bye-bye, Mommy" when they see me. Is that all I do in their eyes? I see them a couple hours a day. It is sad.
As a teacher, I am just barely making it. I get papers graded late and really am not as focused on my job as I used to be. As a professor, I am SO behind in grading the end of the semester essays.
As a wife, I am neglectful. Jeremy has had to step up and be a single parent most evenings and on the weekends. He drove the kids around while I ran in the hospital to say goodbye to my Dad. He has been spectacular...but alone.
As a blogger, I suck! Not because of this incident...but in general. I keep starting posts and never finishing them. Sorry.
As a daughter, I am not doing enough. I can't be at the hospital all day due to my job. I wish I could do more for my mom and my dad.


So I am big giant package of SUBPAR SUCK! I have let sadness and stress turn me into the mediocre woman I am today. This is my new normal. I will work, visit the hospital any time I can, and find time to meet the bare minimum requirements of everyone else in my life.




My Daddy on my wedding day
Thanks for being understanding. Life will get back to normal soon. The sadness will lift and the stress will fade. I have done it before through infertility. I will get back to a better version of myself soon.
-Lisa-

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Welcome, 2015!

Any time we start a new year, I think back to when I first started this blog. I started it as part of the new year of 2012. Now three years later, here we are. I have always made some attempt at making resolutions.

My 2014 resolutions were:
"1. Thank God everyday, even when it has been a bad day. Don't just ask for things when I need them. Praise Him.
2. Find a different profession. I need a teaching break and more time at home.
3. Get healthy. Lose weight. Run more.
4. Love more. Find time to spend with Jeremy sans babies.
5. Socialize more. I love Mommy time but need Friend time too!"

Hmmm...I didn't quite meet those but I am going to reuse most of these for 2015.

I am keeping #1. I feel like I slipped up quite a bit. I am ready to get my heart and mind focused on him. 

1) Thank God everyday. Don't just ask for things when I need them. Praise Him for what I have and be thankful.
I found a new job where I am happy. It is still a teaching job but much less stress and closer to home. I even picked up an extra teaching job at a university teaching a course for current teachers seeking a Master's in Literacy or undergraduate students seeking an education degree. It was fun! I am teaching 2 courses this semester. Best part is I work from home when the babies are in bed. 

Now that I am on thyroid meds and they finally have my levels where they should be, I am ready to lose weight. I got a FitBit for Christmas and start my diet TODAY! Here is to hoping I can lose 50 pounds in 2014. 

So...2) Lose weight. Get healthy.

I still need to find the balance of mommydom and the rest of the world. 

3) Find time to be a human. This includes socializing with friends, finding a somewhat lost relationship with my husband. 

I think these resolutions are doable. I can do this!


Here is our look back over the last year (thanks Flipagram):




God has lots of amazing things planned for us all! I wish you all a very happy 2015! I love fresh starts. I feel like it is clean slate to explore the world without a record, to love with no limits, to conquer (or fail) new adventures. I am excited! 

-Lisa-




Sunday, December 28, 2014

Christmas And All

Time escapes me.

I make lists of how I will spend my afternoons after work, my days off, the weekend, and somehow...I never accomplish anything that I set my mind to doing. This includes blogging or heck, even logging into Blogger! Needless to say, I am in the process of reading and catching up on a month's worth of blog posts. I have only managed to read the last two weeks of blogs so far.

I am getting together all of Max and Harper's old clothing, shoes, and toys to sell in another consignment sale. I did one in August and we made some really good money. So, hoping to make even more in this February sale. The only problem is that these sales take a lot of my time and energy. I spent last Monday and Tuesday of my Christmas break gathering and tagging everything. Daycare really saved me on that! They were closed Wednesday through Friday last week so I knew being productive the rest of the week was impossible. I love those two munchkins...but I can't do anything!

Let's see...Christmas was fun. To see their faces and smiles, to hear their giggles, and to see them play was fantastic. However, two 1 1/2 year olds are exhausting. Naps were missed. Tears were shed (they cried some too), baby fights were had, and food was thrown. But we survived. One thing to be thankful for at the moment is that neither have caught the nasty influenza that seems to have infiltrated the area. Gosh! I hope we don't have to face that illness!

Here are some Christmas pictures:



Opening gifts in his SuperMan cape, of course!

She got a Frozen cape

He was loving the whole paper 

She loved strutting around showing off her presents. 

Playing in their kitchen Santa brought them


We kept our tree in our basement so they really didn't get to see it much! 

We bought a potty. This is in great hopes they may be ready soon!

Just chillin'

Loving the chair

Santa brought us Frozen! So why not eat breakfast at our new table and watch it for the first time?! We have now seen it about 5...going on 500.

So...here is this story: We lost track of  Max for a few minutes on Christmas morning. We found him behind a closed master bedroom door and then behind a closed master bathroom door. He was taking baby powder from under the sink and shaking it all over his head. 

I wish I got a better picture of  his dapper outfit that day!






Baby cousins are so much fun!




I love this picture of reading time before bed! It is one of my favorites we have ever captured.


Waiting to see Santa

They were so happy...

Until we set them on the big guy's lap!! (This picture is priceless!)

Really great family picture...

A tad better! All in our corny matchy-matchy KC shirts!


Although, sitting here Sunday night after a crazy last 5 days...it is easy to say that this Christmas was a crazy and stressful one. It really is a blessed time to realize that our dream of being parents at Christmas time has come true. I have felt overwhelmed and like an angry mom lately. But I just need to stop and enjoy this time. Yes, they are crazy little humans. But these crazy little humans will only be this little and this crazy for this short amount of time.

I am working on a couple other posts so hopefully I will get those marked off my list this week. I go back to work Friday...we will see!

I hope you had a very happy holiday spent with those that love you and that you love.

-Lisa-

Friday, July 25, 2014

Very Hungry Caterpillar Party (Late Post)

Better late than never. Their party was over two weeks ago now. I worked on crafts and such for the week before the party so I will highlight my handy-work...but fair warning...I am not a crafty person. Thank goodness for Pinterest! Ha!

I ironed on their customized transfers from Etsy. Adorable and affordable!
I made this banner out of cardstock, printed caterpillar and month labels, ribbon, hot glue, and clothespins. I saw the idea on Etsy and shamelessly made my own.
I printed out the many labels of what the Very Hungry Caterpillar ate in the book and glued them to colored cardstock. I put this around the food table. 
The clothespin banner turned out really cute. I printed their monthly picture collage that I have done all year. 
My attempt at this great Pinterest idea that I saw. 
They didn't quite hang the way I wanted but worked. 
We had their party at a great park in our city. It has a huge shelter house. We reserved the shelter house back in April. My worst nightmare occurred as I pulled up an hour before the party to decorate. There were a TON of people in the shelter. It was posted that we reserved the shelter but people apparently joined in anyway. I am not a confrontational person so going up to MULTIPLE (yes, about 5!) birthday parties and telling them we reserved this and they needed to leave. It was awful. A few people were angry. I explained and showed my proof of payment. I started off nice and cordial but the people that wanted to challenge me, I was probably less than nice to them. They eventually left and we had a lovely time.


Our favors! I just printed a thank you message (with caterpillar, of course!) and glued them to lollipops and favor bags.
We also had a bin of candy and bubbles.
The way I displayed the lollipops required some engineering. I had the plastic pails so filled with rocks from our flower beds. I then hot glued a half sphere of styrofoam. Then could just slide them in. 

I didn't get a close up picture of the cupcakes or cakes! Ugh! I made the cupcake toppers. I again, printed messages with caterpillars, 1, and their names. I then cut them out and glued them to colored popsicle sticks. Their smash cakes and cupcakes were done by our local grocery store and turned out great.



Some hotdog and watermelon before the festivities. 

We brought their wagon to the park to do their presents. Otherwise, they would have ran off a few minutes into it. 


Max loved the tissue paper. 

Great friends got them these Cozy Coupe cars. I love the personalized plates!

Definitely a favorite gift!

Harper refused to wear the hat.



















 It was such a fabulous day with family and friends. We loved it. So did they!


video


-Lisa-