As in Tomorrow, Tomorrow? (Decision Made Part 2)

So if you haven't read "Decision Made Part 1" yet, go read that NOW here.

Dr. Kim's office called me back this morning...of course when I was in the middle of teaching. I could hear my phone buzzing inside my closet. It took every ounce of patience within me to not stop teaching and go over and answer it. I resisted and called them back during my planning period.

Judy, the not-so-friendly nurse, went over Dr. Kim's plan for this IUI. It is a great plan by the way!

Judy: What cycle day are you on?
Me: Day 2.
Judy: Great, we need you to come in tomorrow morning between 7:30 and 9:00.
Me: As in tomorrow, tomorrow? I didn't know we would start this month?
Judy: Well, we don't have to but we can. Do you want to wait till next month?
Me: Nope. Let's do this! (Inside I freak out)

So here is the issue with doing infertility treatment during the school year:
1. I have to be at work by 7:30am...Dr. Kim doesn't open for scans and blood work till 7:30am.
2. I work with kids that don't deserve the hormonal teacher that will be present during stims.

Luckily, I have amazing co-workers and great bosses that allow me to still go forward with this. So we have a system figured out where my colleagues will take my students in the morning until I can get to work. Literally...amazing people!

So now that my work buddies have taken that stress away...I am still freaking out! I wasn't emotionally or mentally prepared to start this IUI cycle this early. It was just decided on a couple days ago and now we are going in for a baseline TOMORROW! As in tomorrow, tomorrow.

I have lots of rambling worries, excitement, nervousness, etc. But I will hold my tongue for now. Now just praying that my baseline is good enough to get this thing going.

-Lisa-

Decision Made! (Part 1)

So, I hope to write more later this week after figuring out specifics. But we have collected all "directions" for adoption through Christian Family Services. We have decided that adoption seems right for us. Even if we happen to be fortunate enough to have our own children, we still would like to adopt someday. As we look it all over and figure out funds, I felt like we could do SOMETHING as far as treatment.

With my horrible experience with IVF in June, IVF is out.

I never responded well to Clomid. So Clomid is out.

These supplements (Read about the supplements here) that we are both taking are obviously not working. Or they aren't working as quickly as we would have hoped. I am still not ovulating every month which is an issue when trying to get pregnant!

So...we are hopefully going to do an IUI (Intra-uterine insemination) cycle soon.

I am hoping I can get in to see Dr. Kim next week and get the ball rolling. He is out of the office until Monday. I know they will switch up my meds from last IUI because Ovidril is not my friend! It caused the OHSS and Dr. Kim said that he will not use that med again with me. I still have some Follistim left over from the IVF cycle so that will save some money too.

Onward and forward we march! Who knows if we are making the right decisions...but whoever knows?! We are both happy with our decision and so is our bank account! (IUI is about $13,000 less than IVF)

-Lisa-

"It Isn't Fair"

Hello blog community! Again, I have been super busy and have neglected the blog. I am going to try to do better but life has got in the way. See updates at the end of the post to see what I have been up to.

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Ok. So here was a real life conversation I overheard in the crowded hallways of Raytown South Middle School today.

Students #1: I cannot believe that we have to do that assignment. It is too hard and it is due tomorrow!

Student #2: I know. It isn't fair. But sometimes life isn't fair, you know?

Student #1: Yep. Life sucks. Oh, well.

(At this point, I am giggling to myself.)

I don't think they realized I was listening to their pre-teen worries. If I could have commented, I would have said, "Oh, you guys have no idea how unfair life really is."

I remember my parents always responding with "Life isn't fair" when I complained about how unfair their rules were. Boy, were they right!

We (including my infertile bloggers) spend thousands of dollars on a baby that teenage drug addicts (okay, an exaggeration) get on accident. We can afford the family...they cannot. We WANT the baby...so many do not. It isn't fair.

I work my BUTT off at work while others do not and make MORE than me! It isn't fair.

I have to diet and exercise to lose weight while others can eat McDonald's everyday and not gain a pound! It isn't fair.

(I could go on and on and on, but then I would forget to make a point.)

And I do have a point.

Although life is unfair in so many aspects. Life is SO great too. I am blessed (something beyond just 'fair') to have my husband, family, friends, co-workers, and my faith in God. I am blessed in so many areas of life. I often wonder if I would have cracked a long time ago without the sanity that those individuals bring me. So, yeah, life sucks sometimes. But I also realize that life is pretty awesome too. I know that this infertility chapter will come to an end at some point and then life will suck just a little less. ;)

UPDATES:
Ok. So I did have a part-time job opportunity at Sylvan Learning Centers. But then realized that I have NO TIME in my life for a part-time job. My full time job has been keeping me plenty of busy and stressed on its own. I was getting the job to pay off our medical bills from the OHSS and IVF this summer, but the bills will still be there whether I get another job or not.

My class reunion was AWESOME! It went off without a hitch and I was so grateful to get to spend that time with all of them.


I love this pic from reunion and my friend in it!

No words for my expression...

Our Class

I have (technically) met my weight loss goal! I have lost 51 pounds!!!!!! What?! I know. It is crazy to think that back in January I was 51 pounds heavier. I went from a size 14 to a size 6 and even sometimes a 4! Craziness, I tell you. Now that I am (technically) at my goal, I changed my goal to 5 more pounds. And then I might change it again. I am hoping that the weight loss will help with our infertility but even if it doesn't...I feel awesome! I have more confidence and tons more energy!

Jeremy and I still have no idea what to do as far as having babies. We were going to wait for May and do another IVF so we have our debt from the last one paid down. But now...we are thinking of adoption paperwork. While getting adoption paperwork together, we may throw in a few IUIs while we wait. Who knows! These are just random thoughts/conversations that we have been having recently. I do think that we are hesitating on doing IVF again. I am scared. I was SO sick with OHSS and I don't want to go back to that point again. It was the worst time ever! Remember it here: OHSS aftermath and here: OHSS!! So we are unsure of where to go from here...but it will be an adventure either way.

-Lisa-

Adoption? Eh?

Jeremy and I are often confronted with other people's views of our little "situation." They mean well. At least I like to think that they mean well. They have advice (although we are aware of how to make a baby), they have diets, they make attempts to help us/guide us. But truth be told...it only comes across as pity/belittling and just down right ticks us off!!

"Oh, really? You had problems getting pregnant too? Only 1 month of Clomid, huh? Wow!"

I really want to JUDGE THEM and tell them that one month on Clomid is hardly infertility! But I don't. I keep those judgmental and harsh opinions to myself.

But in all honesty...we know our family and friends mean well. It's the strangers that irk me. I just met you...I don't want to know how you got pregnant and who you saw. Can you imagine the insanity if everyone just talked to strangers about the way they conceived their children? And the audacity of asking others how they conceived their children?

As crazy as those conversations sound...they really happen. Infertility has made this OK. And is it a double standard that I find it socially acceptable for my IF bloggers to give me advice but I refuse to listen to a single word from the 1 month on Clomid gal? Probably. I am bitter.

"Deal with it, Clomid girl. Try spending $14,000 and giving yourself a bazillion shots!" (For the record, I am NOT this mean. I would never discount others "struggles" even though I see one month as a minor hiccup in the world of IF. It is my bitter opinion. Good for them! I wish it was over for us in months, instead of three years.)

[I feel like I need to stop this rant here and really start writing what I wanted to write today.]

One of the many pieces of advice that people offer to us is the idea of adoption. Adoption is a fabulous thing. I am so glad that there are women brave enough to realize that they cannot give their baby the best life. Those women (and men) should be honored. Their unselfish reasoning leads to so many childless couples completing their families. God bless them!

I often ask friends who have adopted how they came to that decision. How will we know if that is the avenue we take? I can tell you that we aren't there yet. Yes, it is a viable option for us possibly down the road. Right now...we are still wanting our own child. I don't want to be made to feel guilty about that. So many couples don't ever HAVE to make that decision because they have babies that carry their DNA. Jeremy and I are not ready to give up our dream of having our own babies. However, who is to say the plan God has for us? If we come to that bridge, we have no problem crossing it.

We know that the adoption decision is a big one. We don't want to feel pressured into adoption just because we can't have kids. We want to choose adoption because we want to adopt. Right now, neither of us wants to adopt. Give us a few months...we may change our minds. We change our minds often. Heck, we didn't want to do IVF...but we tried...look where that got us?!

So for now...we are not considering adoption and going to continue down this fertility treatment/au natural road. We are still "breaking it up" until May but deep in our hearts praying that this natural supplement route works the best for us.

Also, I didn't mean to discourage advice. We really do know that all of you are supportive...yes, even the strangers that offer their unnecessary advice. We know that everyone means well. Infertility makes me more sensitive than normal...which occasionally makes me accidentally offend others with my brash rants (like this one). Believe me...it is just a rant...

-Lisa-

Prayer

Prayer is important. It didn't used to be important to me and I only prayed when I needed something from God and that was a bad habit to get into. I started studying and realizing that I was too needy. I needed to recognize the blessings that God has so richly blessed me with. So I started a new habit to replace my bad one.

Everyday on the way to work, I spend it in prayer. It is a 25 minute drive and it allows me to focus for the day. I put on my Women of Faith praise team CD and sing right along with it. I then thank God for the day, my family, my friends, my job, and all the many gifts that He has given me. It prevents me from begging Him for things that I want.

So often, we just use God as a sounding board to our problems. How often do we actually praise Him in our talks with Him? I know that I wasn't. I challenge you to start using your talks with God to be more about what you already have than what we really want. It has changed my relationship with Him and also changed my outlook on my life.

Of course, I still find myself asking God for things. Be it a family, protection, guidance, or the health of people. But I am making more of an effort to praise Him. I am not a perfect conversationalist with God, I try. And that's all that matters.

Here is the quick prayer I prayed this morning:

Thank you, God for this new week and new day. I know that Mondays can be difficult but I know that you are with me guiding my way. I will use this day to honor you. Thank you for my loving husband who loves me for who I am. I am so glad that you chose him to be my partner in life. Thank you for guiding me to the path of teaching. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life. I am especially grateful for my family. They have helped me get to this point in my life and their influence guided me to you. Be with me throughout this day. When I start to waiver, I know that you will be there with me to put me on the right path. Direct me to make the right decisions for my kids and for my life today. It is in your Son's name that I pray. Amen.


-Lisa-