Holy June! I am glad you are over!

I know that one day (hopefully soon), I will be able to look back at this horrific month and see that it was all meant to be. To be honest though, the last month has really SUCKED! No apologies, it really has. God has a plan and purpose for us but I could have done without the craziness from June 9 to present.

Let's see...40+ needles jabbed into my stomach. About 10 uncomfortable ultrasounds. About 15 needles of lab work. Countless hours spent waiting at the doctor's office. Days of agonizing waiting. Buckets of tears. Two weeks of suffering with the worst pain ever with OHSS. Ten pounds of fluid gain from leaking ovaries. One hospital stay. And one giant BFN (in infertility world that is Big Fat Negative on a pregnancy test).

Yea, I could have done without that.
And this...(my IV bruise from hospital stay, although getting better, I look like a battered woman.)

All of this will have a purpose of some kind. We don't know why things turned out the way they did. And we don't know why I had to suffer so much. I could eat myself up with the doubts and what-ifs but then I would be dishonoring my God and my faith in Him. I KNOW that this is meant to be. Months or years down the road we will look back at this month and see that it was for His purpose. Whether this last month has altered our minds, hearts, path, etc. Or whether the last month leaves us loving each other as husband and wife more.

With all of the above listed "lovelies' of our IVF journey, there is one thing that I just found completely unfair. (Yes, more unfair than the 40+ needles and a negative pregnancy test.)

What hurt me the most is kind of silly. Suffering with moderate-severe OHSS causes my abdomen to fill with fluid which makes my stomach distended. I looked and still kind of look pregnant. (My sister told me to take a picture of the belly but I couldn't bring myself to doing it.) It is filled out and hard just like a pregnant belly. My pants wouldn't fit right and my stomach hurt at the shear thought of moving. So like a pregnant woman, I would hold my belly in my hands. I would stare at it and hold it. All the while dreaming of a day when that fluid is replaced with a miracle from God. I know it is silly...but the hurt of an empty "pregnant" belly is by far the worst thing to happen in the last month.

But I am OK. We are OK. We don't know what the next step is. And right now, I don't even think the next step involves fertility treatments. For now, our next step is enjoying each other. We leave for Las Vegas in a few days (it was our gift to each other for surviving the last month). Who knows...we may adopt...we may be foster parents...or we may be just crazy enough to try this roller coaster ride again!

We have so much appreciated all of the support and prayers from our friends, family, and perfect strangers that have reached out and touched our lives. We are not out of this fight but we are taking a break from the action for awhile.

-Lisa-