Marriage is Hard

Instead of apologizing for my absence, I will just say life has been busy and grand all at the same time. July 31 I started my new job in a new school district. It has been a great change for me and I am loving it! August 13, school started and then my professor (yes, professor! I love saying that!) job started August 19. So I am still trying to navigate and juggle everything. Some days I am not quite sure how I have managed to keep all of the plates spinning on those teeny, tiny poles.

One of the reasons I have been able to do everything and come out fairly unscathed is because of the topic of this post...my husband, Jeremy.

Tomorrow marks SIX years of wedded bliss marriage. August 30, 2008, I resigned myself to be forever known as Mrs. Sickel and committed my life to loving Jeremy.

Notice that I didn't say wedded bliss above. I would be lying if I said that the last six years have been blissful and perfect. In fact, I am convinced that the last six years have been by far the most difficult, scary and sometimes ugly moments of my life thus far. And I am sure Jeremy would agree.

My parents are getting ready to celebrate 50 years of marriage in October and Jeremy's parents are getting closer to 40 years of marriage. What awesome examples of unending love, huh?

Marriage today seems to be an act or commitment that is taken for granted. It is so easy to change your mind mid-marriage or in some cases, minutes into the relationship. I am not saying that Jeremy and I deserve some kind of fancy award for making it six whole years. A small feat, really. Six years is just starting this journey really. (Although a gold star on the sticker chart or a blue ribbon with 1st clearly displayed is always appreciated.)

The events that occurred between August 30, 2008 and August 30, 2014 weren't abnormal to so many, but they were hard. Life didn't deal us the best hand to play with, but we did our best. I was willing to give up on everything at least a dozen (ok...more than that) times. I wasn't always rational in how I viewed our sucktastic journey through infertility. But I didn't need to be. Jeremy found a way to ensure that when I was losing my freaking mind, he was keeping it together for the both of us. I, of course, did the same for him ALL (maybe twice) of the time.

Any marriage that makes it through the throngs of infertility deserves some kind of reward. (Like, paying off fertility debt is just a start! No really. I am not kidding. That should be a thing!)

I never thought anything in life would be harder than surviving those years of fertility treatments, denial, blame, doubt, hatred, hurt, depression and disappointment. That was until the last 14 months presented itself.

The last 14 months proved to be pretty dang hard and even more challenging to our marriage. Now these months were MUCH different from our infertility times. We experienced amazing, undying, unconditional love...for two little humans that we created. So yeah...Max and Harper are great! We love them in a way neither of us expected. A way that makes our hearts literally want to burst out of our chests.

But our marriage has been anything than ideal the last year or so. We both would agree. But the best part is that we realize this and haven't given up. Nor do we (or at least I) have plans to. (Jeremy, you better not either!)

Parenting is SO hard. This goes for any parent no matter how many kids you have. Although my experience is twins, it doesn't change the fact that being a parent is a hard job. Two different people have two different ideas of what is right for the kids. Different ideas on how to feed them. How to dress them. How to play with them. How to discipline them. How to teach them. How to put them to sleep. How to hold them. How to change them.

Pretty soon those two people who were so in love and so involved in each other's lives are now devoting every waking moment to raising the kids. We may have a good 5 minutes at the end of the day to discuss personal feelings and thoughts but by then, don't you just want to sleep? We start to schedule conversations. Remember the time when we could talk whenever we wanted? Sleep deprivation sets in and then the 'whose turn is it to get up?' turns into a whisper-shouting match at 3am. (yep, that happened!)

So if we are honest, our marriage has suffered since becoming parents. But the good thing is that we have realized this. We need to make more time for us. This means...date nights. We don't do them. Mainly because we feel like our two are a handful for anyone who watches them. They are so busy and into everything. And...I want to spend as much time with them as possible. But I am seriously doing a disservice to Jeremy and my relationship.

I am certain that we love each other more than we did 6 years ago. We have seen the worst of each other. We have experienced some really awful things that are unfathomable to some. But we have also experienced overwhelming joy and blessings. We have seen God work in our lives in miraculous ways.

It really is crazy to see us as those young, anxious newlyweds. We had no idea where life would take us but we were going to do it together so it didn't matter. It still doesn't. We are in this together. I couldn't ask for a better partner and father to Max and Harper. I am so fortunate! Happy Anniversary, Jer! I love you!

-Lisa-

Where we are now a year later

I have been told since the babies were born one simple phrase: Enjoy every moment because it goes so fast. There were times that I doubted this advice. It was usually around 3am when I had no idea what to do and cried thinking they would never sleep. I would never sleep again. But in all honesty...this year has flown by. I have no idea how this happened.

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[side note] I am in the process of selling their clothes, equipment, etc in a consignment sale. Jeremy and I really did have a difficult conversation about our likelihood of having  more kids. As much as I would adore more babies...we are most likely done. For many reasons. So...we are purging the baby stuff to make room for TODDLER stuff! Looking at the newborn clothes, swaddle cloths, and socks makes me tear up. I have a hard time remembering them that small. They were. I just can't fathom it now that they are SO BIG! My sister-in-law, Jeremy's sister, had her twin boy and girl on June 16. I loved them instantly, of course. It will be awesome for Max and Harper to have MORE (I think there are 5 sets total on Jeremy's side!) twin cousins. Again, though, I couldn't believe that they were so tiny. Even though they were nearly the exact size of my babes. 

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I sometimes reflect on our lives pre-babies. I can't imagine what we did with our time. We must have had time to do everything on our to-do lists. I am sure our house was cleaner. I am sure money wasn't as tight. I am sure that our dog got lots of attention. I am sure that Jeremy and I a lot of alone time together. But I am also sure of one important thing...our lives were not complete and our hearts had a giant whole of emptiness that could only be filled with love for Max and Harper. 

July 11 changed our entire beings. I suddenly have become a new and amazing thing: a mom. I am Max and Harper's favorite mom in their whole world! Ha! The way they look at me, still melts my heart. They need me. And oh, do I need them! They look to me for guidance on what to touch and what not to touch. They test boundaries. They test my patience (which by the way, I have also gained through them!). 

Suddenly bodily fluids have become a natural thing to have in my hair, face, clothes, or even mouth (gross!). I never thought that I would get to a point where poop isn't a big deal...but also a big topic of conversation. We suddenly talk about poop a lot. Did they go? What did it look like? Are they constipated? Do they have diarrhea? 

Each milestone in the last year...whether that was rolling over or taking steps...has made me feel honored to witness their growth and development. They amaze me everyday with what they know and learn. 

Before the babies and during our infertility battle, I prayed a lot. I felt like I was begging sometimes. Pleading for a miracle. Then, God gave us them. Our precious miracles that we prayed for fervently for. During the last year, I watch them grow and change. I don't think I have ever been this up close and personal (or not focused in long enough) to see God's work. They are amazing. HE made them. HE gave them to us and am forever grateful that he decided to share them with us. I feel so overwhelming blessed to be their mother. 

I know that this post seems convoluted but this is my brain nowadays. I can't write anymore. I used to be able to stay on topic but now I just regurgitate whatever thoughts pop into my head. So it isn't pretty, but it is my life now. 

 -Lisa-

8 Months & New Life Chapters

Another month. They are a measly 4 months away from being ONE! I also have to admit that I have been searching Pinterest for ideas for their first birthday party. Our house is too small to have everyone here and the twins won't really be ready for the full out bouncy house birthday yet. So we are thinking at having it at nearby park. That way there are activities and it is large enough for everyone. Although I really don't want them to grow up so fast...I am excited about their very first birthday!

Max is a crazy person. Seriously. He is into everything that he shouldn't and will magically be across the room within seconds of looking away. He is obsessed with the foam that we put around the edges of our coffee table. He wants it off the table and in his mouth. We tell him no. He shakes his head no to us and giggles. How do you get mad at that? He is too funny. He loves to stand at the activity table and fight Harper for the best buttons to push. He babbles nonsense a lot. Lots of "Dada" "Mama" "RaRa" "Nana" and squeals.

He has been a little under the weather lately. Horrible diaper rash from cutting TOP teeth. (He has some large bumps on his top front gums.) He hasn't been sleeping well and is just overall not his happy self. Hopefully he will be over this fussy stage soon. It has only been a few days but I want my sweet, smiley boy back.

He loves food! His favorites are still fruit. Most recently he loves the mixed fruits. He also is getting pretty good at feeding himself. He likes the little puffs and has just learned how to make hand to mouth connection. Granted, our dog, Bella, still gets her fair share from him, but he is doing well. He wears 6-9 month clothing for the most part. The 9 month clothes are a little big and he still fits into most of his 6 month clothing. He wears size 3 diapers. I don't know exact weight but by just holding him and weighing on our scales...he is around 17.5 pounds.

Harper is the happiest baby. She is so smiley, snugly, and loving. She gives big open mouth kisses and melts my heart with her facial expressions. She is the sweetest girl. She is also a girl on the go but hasn't quite mastered crawling all of the way. She sometimes gets so excited that she is moving that she head butts the ground which isn't her favorite feeling. She can still get where she wants to go and has also developed an obsession with the foam on the coffee table. (Been watching Max too much!) She loves to play. She gets so excited that she flaps her arms and squeals when you do about anything. So cute! She also talks quite a bit and I swore the other day she said something that resembled "Max".

She has had a perpetual cough for a few weeks. Never a fever. She even seems to feel fine. It is slowly getting better which is good. I am just ready for winter to go away so they can stay healthy longer. She has her one and half (I say half because it is just barely peaking through) tooth on the bottom.

She is an eater. She can eat Max under the table highchair. She is more of a veggie and dinner fan. She loved the chicken and noodle puree and also a big fan of squash. But I don't think we have found a food she doesn't like yet. She is not as sure about feeding herself. It is like she doesn't want to get her hands dirty. She will pick up a puff and look at it in disgust before throwing it on the ground for Bella. However, she likes the puffs but wants me to feed it to her. Silly! She wears 6-9 month and 9 month clothing. She can sometimes fit into 6 month clothing but for the most part they are too small now. She wears size 3 diapers. Again, not a complete accurate weight on our scales but she is close to 18.5 pounds.

Helping "Grandma" Anne celebrate her 90th!

We kinda like bathing together!

"Harps"

Miss Harper is a happy girl!

Just hanging out

Max getting into everything!

He loves getting into the diaper stash

Unhappy?

What? It wasn't me!

8 month pictures

Outtakes tell it all

Babygate was installed!

Playing together

On a run with Mom

They both amaze me everyday. I just never knew this kind of love existed.

But I am tired. I think this stage is more difficult than the newborn stage. I don't have nearly the amount of time to keep up with housework and work-work. They definitely run us ragged but wouldn't have it any other way!

You would think that having two humans to take care of and support would prevent us from making huge life changes. Nope! This is Jeremy's last week at his job of nearly 11 years. He is going to be a sales manager for a local sock company. Yep, socks! He is going to help grow the business and hopefully make a lot more money. He has always carried the insurance for the babies so now we are figuring that out. The sock company is fairly new and he will be their ONLY paid employee.

On top of that uncertainty...I turned in my resignation to my school that I have taught at for 8 years! Am I crazy? Possibly. I will still need to work but am looking for a job still using my education degrees but in a capacity that doesn't involve the stresses and grading of a regular teacher. I am hoping to find something and the pressure is on now.

So onto new life challenges. It never stops. Jeremy is really excited and to be honest...just turning in my resignation felt good.

-Lisa-