Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts

Monday, September 24, 2012

What Scares You?

"What really scares you?"

I ask my sixth and seventh graders to answer this in a writing prompt every year. However, I never really have thought about my answers. Yes, I have the blanket responses that nearly every person has for this question. But I am going to try and push myself. So...what am I scared of...

1. Bugs. Mainly grasshoppers. I love running on this shady trail in the woods. However, grasshoppers the size of my palm jump straight into me which scares the crap out of me. I have literally made a fool of myself by jumping out of their path while other runners look on in bewilderment.

2. Losing. I don't just mean in a game of Monopoly...although I really hate losing. I mean losing people. Some of the hardest times in my life have been saying goodbye. I have lost friendships, relationships, and loved ones. All of them have sucked...big time! I am terrified of losing anyone else that I love dearly.

3. Bad decisions. I am so worried that I am going to make the wrong decision in the course of life. I am constantly wondering about the what-ifs and the should-haves. That one bad decision could turn my life or someone else's life upside down.

4. Disappointment. Just like when I was a child...I hate to disappoint. I still worry about disappointing people. I hated when my parents didn't yell at was so much worse to hear "I am just disappointed." I even try to pull that with my middle school students but I don't think they mind too much! I don't want to disappoint Jeremy, my friends, my family, my boss, and most importantly...GOD! I have a feeling I do disappoint all of these at some point...but it still scares me a bit.

5. Future. The future is a scary territory. I don't know what is coming around the next turn. That's scary. I need a script and directions. Too bad God didn't want it to be that way!

I am sure there are more that I could add but here is my biggest fear of the moment:

6. Childless. I have this underlying, eat-at-you, never goes away, horrible fear of never having children. I have a fear that I will never experience that unconditional love between a mother and child. It is scary to think that my life will never involve soccer practices, birthday parties, diapers, baby smell, graduations, first days of school, toys littering our house, sweet precious baby clothes...I could go on and on...I often try and wonder how Jeremy and I will cope if we never have children. And the truth is I don't think we can. It will be the most heartbreaking, unfixable problem of our lives. For now, we struggle with IF...but what happens when nothing works? What happens when our funds are gone and we can't adopt? What happens? It is by far the most scary thing!

So...what really scares you?


Sunday, January 1, 2012

Just Relax...

So today was a lazy day. Instead of going, going, going like we normally do. We stopped. We relaxed. We did NOTHING. It was just what I hope my year is like. Calm. Loving. Relaxing. I walked the neighborhood with my furbaby, Bella. I cuddled up with a book, pjs, the hubby, and the couch. Although, I am a restless person and sitting still for too long makes me batty. It still helped me see what a relaxing life can be.

"All you need to do is just relax and it will happen."
Everyone gives advice for getting pregnant. Not that I don't appreciate it; I do. But in all do respect to those people, their words aren't always helpful and sometimes hurtful. I have developed a thick skin to the comments and suggestions. However, if you catch me on a bad day...that relax comment could send me into an all-out, unstoppable meltdown.

I pinned this from Pinterest. (If you haven't signed up for Pinterest, you really MUST! It is my addiction!)

Before I was faced with this infertility life that I live, I was ignorant to some of these same things. In fact, a younger, naive girl about 8 years ago once asked a childhood friend and his wife, "So, when are you guys going to pop out some children?" I knew I misspoke by the look on their faces. I often think about that moment and hope that I didn't offend them or upset them.

As I was getting more and more knowledge from infertility books and resources, I ran across a great chapter of a book. In fact, I loved this chapter so much that I adapted it to a letter to my closest supporters. I sent this as a message to four women who are my rocks and all now happen to be mommies:

Hi guys. I love all of you very much and lean on you as my support team. That is why I am sharing this with you. I have been reading this book, Every Drunken Cheerleader: Why Not Me? In this book, the author has a whole section of rules and things for the supporters of the fertility-challenged like me. It isn’t meant to slam you for all you have done. I just thought I’d try to support you in return. The author recommends giving you the book to read but I thought her general friend rules were good. If you don’t read them, I understand but wanted you to kind of have an insight into how I feel. Love you all!!
All of the following is a quote from the book:

General Rules:
Please start listening to us.
When we come to you with our news that the cards of our fertility are a part of a hand that should be folded, you don’t need to say anything. Just take a large sigh, let your eyes fill up with tears on our behalf but don’t feel obligated to make excuses like “it will happen” or to stroke our head with proverbial encouragement. More often than not, we need someone to recognize our breaking heart, not to sew it back together. In the midst of doctors, procedures, and decisions, a woman can feel unheard. It is a much-needed refreshment to have you there to hear us. When we call you, if you could just listen to us, you will solve ninety percent of our worries. If you don’t say much, then you are less likely to say something wrong.

Don’t leave things open ended.
If you say that you are there if we need you, then be there a lot. We need you a lot. Call us, check in on us, ask us questions, stop by, invite us out. We need you in a way that is hard to communicate. You might be the one that makes our day ten times better. We don’t want fraud like understanding. Please, please don’t compare your life to ours or just because someone else you know went through this means we should get together over coffee and become well.

Be aware.
If we are together and someone just announced her pregnancy, it’s ok for you to slightly give us that knowing look. That understanding glance may be the one things that alleviates the embarrassing tears. Please make sure that look is not one of “poor you.” You know that gesture. It is the one where you lower your head, furrow your brow and make droopy eyes. It should be more a look of are you ok cause if not, I will fake a seizure right here to get the attention onto something else. Sincerity and the depth of our friendship will be the two factors that make this succeed or fail.

Save us.
If we are in a room with other moms and the only subject is pregnancy, child birth, or children, then please change the subject if only for a while, for our sake. There are 84,000 other topics in the universe that can be discussed among friends.

Be sensitive.
Be sensitive to our feelings about what is going on. It is hard to quantify with examples. Just try to be sensitive to our sensitivity as possible without being overly sensitive.

Be extra sensitive on baby shower days.

Screen the news
Don’t assume that we are ok with hearing so and so is pregnant or so and so just had her baby. Use good judgment. Don’t give us those puppy dog eyes which ask us to tell you how crappy it makes us feel. Just tell us and then move on. If we want to discuss it more, we will.

Know your audience
Create a politically correct ending to your story if you are telling a group it took you a whole six months to get pregnant. Not only is this helpful for those of us you know are already going through fertility treatments, but its good for general less known groups too.

Allow us to leave.
We would appreciate permission to leave any social gathering early and without an excuse. As one of our very best friends, you should automatically know it is because we got sad and needed the comfort of our couch and that it is perfectly fine. Don’t go after us or make a scene about it. Let us go. If we need you, we will signal you in some way. But don’t point it out to others or make an issue of it later.