Where we are now a year later

I have been told since the babies were born one simple phrase: Enjoy every moment because it goes so fast. There were times that I doubted this advice. It was usually around 3am when I had no idea what to do and cried thinking they would never sleep. I would never sleep again. But in all honesty...this year has flown by. I have no idea how this happened.

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[side note] I am in the process of selling their clothes, equipment, etc in a consignment sale. Jeremy and I really did have a difficult conversation about our likelihood of having  more kids. As much as I would adore more babies...we are most likely done. For many reasons. So...we are purging the baby stuff to make room for TODDLER stuff! Looking at the newborn clothes, swaddle cloths, and socks makes me tear up. I have a hard time remembering them that small. They were. I just can't fathom it now that they are SO BIG! My sister-in-law, Jeremy's sister, had her twin boy and girl on June 16. I loved them instantly, of course. It will be awesome for Max and Harper to have MORE (I think there are 5 sets total on Jeremy's side!) twin cousins. Again, though, I couldn't believe that they were so tiny. Even though they were nearly the exact size of my babes. 

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I sometimes reflect on our lives pre-babies. I can't imagine what we did with our time. We must have had time to do everything on our to-do lists. I am sure our house was cleaner. I am sure money wasn't as tight. I am sure that our dog got lots of attention. I am sure that Jeremy and I a lot of alone time together. But I am also sure of one important thing...our lives were not complete and our hearts had a giant whole of emptiness that could only be filled with love for Max and Harper. 

July 11 changed our entire beings. I suddenly have become a new and amazing thing: a mom. I am Max and Harper's favorite mom in their whole world! Ha! The way they look at me, still melts my heart. They need me. And oh, do I need them! They look to me for guidance on what to touch and what not to touch. They test boundaries. They test my patience (which by the way, I have also gained through them!). 

Suddenly bodily fluids have become a natural thing to have in my hair, face, clothes, or even mouth (gross!). I never thought that I would get to a point where poop isn't a big deal...but also a big topic of conversation. We suddenly talk about poop a lot. Did they go? What did it look like? Are they constipated? Do they have diarrhea? 

Each milestone in the last year...whether that was rolling over or taking steps...has made me feel honored to witness their growth and development. They amaze me everyday with what they know and learn. 

Before the babies and during our infertility battle, I prayed a lot. I felt like I was begging sometimes. Pleading for a miracle. Then, God gave us them. Our precious miracles that we prayed for fervently for. During the last year, I watch them grow and change. I don't think I have ever been this up close and personal (or not focused in long enough) to see God's work. They are amazing. HE made them. HE gave them to us and am forever grateful that he decided to share them with us. I feel so overwhelming blessed to be their mother. 

I know that this post seems convoluted but this is my brain nowadays. I can't write anymore. I used to be able to stay on topic but now I just regurgitate whatever thoughts pop into my head. So it isn't pretty, but it is my life now. 

 -Lisa-

Stop to Smell the...

I was going to title the post "Stop to Smell the Poopy Diapers" but was afraid no one would want to read that! The whole purpose of this rambling post is to cherish the time that we have.

Last weekend, our church had a baby dedication for all of the new babies in the last year. The dedication is for us to publicly announce that we will raise Max and Harper in a Christian home to know Jesus. In return, it is a place for our church members to publicly announce that they will support us in raising them this way. It was a great day. My parents, sister and brother-in-law, and my niece and nephew all came to witness the dedication. These two babies are truly loved.

One thing that was truly special about the ceremony was the presentation of a jar of marbles.

Engraved with Harper and 7-11-13

Engraved with Maxwell 7-11-13

Each marble represents a week of Max and Harper's life. There are 940 weeks (approximately) from the time they are born until they graduate high school and start their adult life. So these tiny marbles represent our time with our precious, miracle babies.

We were given the marble containers and inside was a bag filled with the 32 marbles that have already been taken out. On Thursday, I took out the 33rd marble. It was sad but it is a visual reminder that their life is flying by. Which means that our time is flying by too.

So...we stop and smell the poopy diapers. Because before we know it...there are no more diapers (although that doesn't sound so bad!) and they are grown adults. So we kiss a little more and stress a little less. Each day is a gift. A gift of time and I am going to enjoy it more and more.


PS-Max and Harper will be 8 months old next week. So a post on them will be coming soon.

Enjoy your time!
-Lisa-

Holy 20 weeks!!

If you would have asked me three years ago, or even 6 months ago, if I would ever get to this point...I would have told you that you were crazy! I cannot believe we are at the 20 weeks mark. I feel so blessed. I can't even begin to explain the pure elation. I cry when I think too hard about how God has blessed us.

I used to pray every day and night for a baby. I faltered in my faith often and thought God had abandoned us. I am so glad that He is a giving and FORgiving God. He not only had a plan for us and our family...He forgave us when we didn't trust in Him.

My belly is in a word...GINORMOUS! I can't believe it is going to get any bigger. I wake up and look in the mirror and gasp. I love having this huge belly because it means my babes are coming sooner and sooner....

Which also has me freaking out!!
*The nursery furniture was just ordered last week
*The bedding came in today!! I love it! It is yellow, white, and gray.
*We registered at BuyBuyBaby but still need to register at Target
*We need to pick out paint, buy paint, and paint the nursery before the furniture arrives in 10 days
*Heck, we need to clear out the nursery and move our office furniture to the basement
*We need to find a daycare center for the twins...we tour a few of them in a couple of weeks

I am in nesting mode which means I am stressed out when I can't get done what I need done. Which also means that Jeremy is doomed. He has mastered the smile and nod really well.

The last couple of weeks (actually months) have also been very difficult on our family. Jeremy's grandparents have both been ill and in and out of hospital and nursing homes. I lost my last grandparent almost 6 years ago so Jeremy's grandparents have been my own. In fact, his grandparents have always treated me like one of their own grand kids. We visited with them extensively about our fertility issues. They are Christians and prayed with us and for us.

It was so exciting to tell them back in December that twins were on the way. We all cried. It was shortly after that announcement when their health declined at a rapid pace. We lost Grandma on March 6. Jeremy and I were the last family members to see her before she passed. I can't begin to describe how much my heart aches. She was an amazing woman. I have felt like I need to be the strong one and support Jeremy and his family. So I have tried to cover my pain and dry my tears. But I miss her dearly. I am also heartbroken that Grandma won't ever get to hold Max and Harper. We decided to honor Grandma as well. Harper's full name is now Harper Evelynn Rose. Rose was Grandma's middle name. Now she will always be a part of our family.

I told my classes why I would be gone one day. One of my sixth grade students raised her hand and said the most profound thing, "I guess your grandma was special because she needed two souls to replace hers." I wanted to hug her and cry.

Grandpa still needs prayers and is in the nursing home. We will see him every weekend. We saw him Monday and he knew who we were and was up ready to visit. I just pray he gets stronger and stronger.

Sorry for the long post but there was a lot to update. I always plan to write on the blog more frequently and then life gets in the way. I do read all of the blog updates daily but never get around to writing my own!

-Lisa-

Giving God Thanks (even for the crappy stuff!)

Happy Monday to you all!

I hope your Monday after the long weekend was as good as mine. My kids weren't horrible today. They were productive and for middle schoolers...sweet. Did I just say that? Watch, tomorrow will be awful. That is how their minds work...make me believe they are wonderful and then BAM...back to normal pre-teens! Oh, how I love them though.

Yesterday, we sat and listened to one of those mind-blowing sermons. It really hit home with me to the point I was in tears. I would open my eyes really wide hoping to keep the tears in, but there was no way I could stop them. I wish that our church had posted the sermon already because it truly was one I would share with everyone, all faiths, all backgrounds. Especially the infertile.

It was based on Thanksgiving and how along the way we have lost sight of what Thanksgiving was established for...to thank God. I mean think about it...how often do you do things for other people and you don't get accolades or thanks? It happens quite frequently and it ticks me off! I often in my passive-aggressive way will say "You're welcome" even when a "Thank you" wasn't uttered.

Well, we do that to God. Even when we look at our lives and see nothing to be thankful for...thank God because he has done everything for you and will continue to do so. Our pastor even mentioned that the not-so-thankful moments in our life we should praise and thank God because He has laid this in front of us for His purposes and Will.

I can't do the sermon justice and if I see that they post this message, I will post it here. Truly eye-opening. I have found many more moments the last 24 hours to thank God. I realized I don't do that nearly enough. I find myself asking for things instead of praising Him for what He has provided for me.

I hope you all have a great week!
(Only 4 more posts for NaBloPoMo!)

-Lisa-

A Cluster of Un-awesomeness & Bitterness

Let me start off by saying that I tried to not get my hopes up this cycle. I tried really hard. But then as the two week wait went on, I slowly, deep down had really positive thoughts. I started feeling every twinge and every cramp and thought that this could be it. Jeremy and I started having conversations of what would we do, what would we say, how would we react. I even had dreams I was actually pregnant. Some crazy and wacky, but still got my hopes up.

I have been super crampy the last couple days and started spotting today. Not a lot. Barely there actually. I called the doctor and left a a message on the nurse's line. I know I won't hear back until tomorrow since it is nearly 4:30 central time. I am not new to this cycle game. They are going to tell me not to worry and that it could be implantation spotting. I am CD 23 and 10 days post ovulation, 8 days post iui. I get it, it very well could be.

But what if it isn't? I berate myself for believing in this cycle's dream. I blame myself for getting both of our hopes too high only to start over again.

I heard a talk on bitterness on K-Love a few days ago. A man on there explained bitterness to be a barrier we build around our heart. We put it there to prevent us from feeling. We put it there to prevent our heart from hurting. But God doesn't want us to be bitter. He wants us to feel, even if it hurts. It means we are alive. We learn from those feelings to better ourselves and our relationships. (Keep in mind, this is one man's interpretation.)

I know that I should not try to protect myself but I don't know how else to deal with the emotional roller coaster of infertility. I think we have to build those barriers around our heart because otherwise my heart would have broken into a thousand pieces long ago.

I know that however this cycle turns up, we will march forward. I just wish that we could march forward with a pregnant belly and healthy baby. I pray that these symptoms are just from implantation. The barrier around my heart wasn't as strong this time; my heart is going to break a little.
-Lisa-

God, Christmas, Prayers

Good morning! It is such a beautiful morning in KC today. Wish I was running, but instead I am getting ready to go to church. We haven't been to church in a couple weeks either for our IUI last week or being out of town the previous week. I know that the physical building of the church isn't much to some people. However, being able to sing and worship God every week really does recharge my spirit. I feel like my week goes better when I have taken the time to praise God. It gives me a focus of Him for the rest of the week. I have missed our church friends and am actually so excited to get there!

I also caved and put up some of our Christmas decorations last night. Lola, the evil cat, is in heaven. She loves Christmas. The dangling ornaments, the ribbons on presents, and lights. She has been more pleasant the last 24 hours than she has in months.

Also, say a prayer for my friend, Amanda, over at Growing Griswolds. She is 6dp5dt and has a very strong pink line for pregnancy. Pray that those healthy babies stick and she has a healthy, successful pregnancy.


-Lisa-

Ramblings of an AF mind

I am swamped at work. It seems like I am always playing catch-up. I am barely keeping my head above water (or above the pile of grading!). So...I haven't been posting on a regular basis.

I did want to share some updates and some crazy ramblings.

First, Aunt Flow showed up yesterday. At this point, I am so used to seeing her. I wish she would take a 9 month or so vacation! I feel that September was another wasted month. Obviously, the supplements are working. Obviously, my body isn't working. Obviously, IT SUCKS!

Second, we started a small group Bible study with seven other people from our new church. It was awesome! I am excited to get to know them. I am wondering when we should tell the rest of the group about our infertility. Or do we? I know that it will naturally come up. We are using the study called GodQuest. It is all about figuring out what we need from God and what God needs from us. So I am sure we will eventually share that part of our life.

Third, the sermon yesterday at church was on Hannah. I cried through some parts. No one knew because we had church in the park and I had my sunglasses on. I love that Jeremy knew and just gently caressed my back with his hand. I love that man!

Fourth, I have been feeling so gosh-darn frustrated lately. I know part of that has to deal with Aunt Flow. But the truth is...I am so sick of waiting for a baby! I am growing more and more impatient. I can't decide if we do another IVF or adoption. I just want a freaking baby already!

I am hoping to have a "real" post that isn't filled with hormone-raging rants or rambling updates later this week. So look for that!

-Lisa-