Today leaves me thinking and wondering about 2012. For the last couple of years, I have had great hopes that this would be the year I would be a Mommy. I have always been let down. So this year, I am taking a new stance. I am going to focus on how I view infertility.
My resolution is to lose weight (it is every year and it never lasts). Many people will make New Year’s resolutions--and break them before they even begin. Some will never make an effort to break the destructive patterns in the first place! So today I am going to make a change in how I view my infertility.
How have I looked at my inability to conceive? There is no doubt it is a devastating life crisis. For those who have never experienced the crushing blow of an infertility diagnosis, delayed or denied pregnancy may seem like little more than a passing inconvenience. However, for those who live in infertility’s shadow every moment of every day, baby hunger can be an all-consuming dread and heartache. Is it a punishment? Is infertility God’s way of letting you know you have wronged Him? Has God chosen to show His anger or disappointment in me by closing my womb tighter than Fort Knox? How should I view my infertility?
In 1 Samuel 1 where the story of Hannah is shared with us, there are two separate occasions where we see the phrase “the LORD had closed her womb”. There is no question as to why Hannah was not a mother. The answer is clear: the Lord closed her womb. If the Lord closes your womb, it is closed! Hannah’s infertility was not an accident. God did it on purpose. The first time I really paid attention to this phrase, I must admit, it made me mad. I wanted to believe that Hannah was having a problem conceiving and that God rushed in like a knight on a white stallion and saved the day. Wrong! God closed her womb. He did it on purpose! I didn’t want to believe that God did this to her? Why? Because if God did this to her, maybe He did this to me, too.
But wait! Here’s the good part! If God did this on purpose, then Hannah’s infertility--and mine--must have a great purpose! I don’t believe God allows something as life changing as infertility to haphazardly interrupt the flow of someone’s life for absolutely no reason. We know infertility doesn’t catch God by surprise. I believe infertility in life has a holy purpose. God will use it to reach me and teach me things I haven't understood.
Therefore, I am changing my view of infertility. I am not going to let the enemy convince me that it is something that has happened to me because God is angry with me or that He has forgotten me. Infertility has a purpose.
So as 2011 draws to a close and 2012 begins, here is what I hope to do:
1. Let God's will be, I can't plan or control my life because it is HIS to control
2. Keep praying for our family but not obsess over it because it is for HIS divine purpose
3. Let stress and anxiety roll off my back
4. Love my family, husband, and friends more (I feel I have neglected them in my depression state)
5. Yes, LOSE WEIGHT. It needs to happen. I am hoping I don't give up one month in
I hope everyone has a great 2012! I know I am planning to.