I have always believed that forgiveness is HUGE when trying to walk the Christian path. But it is SO hard to do.
It is so easy for me to harbor those feelings of jealousy, envy, anger, revenge, etc. towards others. I, as a woman, NEVER forget the horrible things that are said or done. I can name specific phrases that were spoken to Jeremy and I when we didn't have children after a year of marriage. I can remember when and where I was when someone disrespected our family. I can remember the overwhelming sadness when a friend didn't say the right thing in addressing our infertility. Heck, I can remember word for word what Jeremy said two months ago that hurt my feelings. So I have quite the problem of letting go and forgiving. I know that holding onto all of those pent up frustrations and emotions is only hurting me. So I have been praying for the ability to forgive.
In my prayers on the way to school today, I realized that I haven't forgiven myself. When it hit me, I was brought to tears and nearly lost my breath. How have I held onto these hateful feelings? How have I held onto blame and fault? All dealing with me!
Maybe some of you won't understand these thoughts and that's good. However, many of us living with infertility, need to start the forgiveness process by first forgiving ourselves.
The truth is...I blame myself. It is MY stupid body that won't cooperate. It is MY fault that we had to waste thousands on IVF. It is MY responsibility that Jeremy is not a dad. If only I was better. If only I would have done this. If only I would have tried this. If only I had chosen a different doctor.
(Yep, those are real thoughts!)
So driving along this morning as I prayed for forgiveness...BAM! Lisa, how can you forgive others if you can't forgive yourself? Word.
Has anyone ever had the experience of forgiving yourself? Where do I start? What do I do? I worry that no matter what I do...I will always know that it is my fault. Even if I forgive myself...the underlying guilt and sadness of our infertility is always going to be there.
I think part of forgiving myself has to be a realization of our situation. It isn't going to change. We will always have infertility even if we get our family one day. It will always be there. We will always have these years spent in the unknowing realm of an infertile couple. So, I accept it. It is what it is. It sucks. But I accept it. All of it.
Now what? I am supposed to magically move on without guilt, blame, jealousy, and anger?
I want to forgive myself and allow myself to move on. It is a slow process as is forgiving others. So as I work through this muddy area of my life, I hope to learn how to forgive. God has shown such grace for me. If He can forgive my sins, it is the least that I can do to forgive others and to start forgiving myself.
As always, prayers are appreciated. I am using this fertility break to really get my mind and heart right with God. This is just one step of many more to come, I am sure.