Showing posts with label not fair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label not fair. Show all posts

Saturday, June 7, 2014

No More Babies. Sadface.

This is probably it.

My time with babies this exact age.

And it makes me sad.

Each milestone is so exciting. At the same time, I know that these are our last kids. We aren't willing to go through fertility treatments again. Our finances are awful because of fertility and caring for twins. I don't even think we could afford another baby.

But it is still sad. I am mourning the loss of babies that aren't even created.Sigh.

On another is out for summer. Finally. I think my school was the only district in session this past week. I have a couple weeks off before I start summer school (Am I crazy, or what?). Then I start at my NEW district July 31. Not much of a summer break so going to make the most of my time off.

Max and Harper are 11 months old on Wednesday so will definitely post soon. Sorry for the long space between posts. My life has been crazy with the wrap up of the school year. 


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

My Path Whether I Like it or Not

First of all, Amanda at Growing Griswolds is PREGNANT! She got an amazing BETA today so I am thrilled for her.

 I was unsure of how to start off this blog post. I don't want it to be a downer because so many great things are still happening. So I thought the best way to start off was with this amazing news. I love hearing about the infertile becoming fertile. It gives me hope for our situation.

Now, for a bit of the downer...Aunt Flo reared her ugly head. The light spotting and cramping yesterday were obviously not implantation bleeding because today is heavy spotting and cramping. It is a crazy early period but it is what it is.

I am so disappointed even though I knew that this cycle didn't feel right. It was easy for us to picture telling our families and friends that we were pregnant. It was easy for us to envision our first ultrasound. I even found myself looking at my belly more than I should.

So, we are faced with what to do now. I think we will try another iui soon...maybe start this cycle if there are no cysts. But the bigger issue is handing it over to God. Because we can do the treatments and we can hope for the baby of OUR dreams...but if God isn't ready for us to be parents (or parents at all) then it isn't going to happen.

I am struggling with the thought of never being a mom. But what if that is what God has planned for us? Is childlessness something Jeremy and I can deal with? We have to decide when we give it up to Him and start living our lives without thinking about infertility.

I have a wonderful friend at work who literally held me and prayed while I sobbed in her arms. I couldn't have made it through the rest of the day without spilling my guts to her. She is such a strong role model for me. She has an amazing faith and love for God. I am so lucky to have her in my life. Somehow, God knew that I needed her in my life at this exact time of my life.

I often just put a smile on my face and tell everyone I am fine. I even lie on here and make it sound like I really am okay with everything. The truth is that I am struggling to see the bigger picture. I have a hard time accepting this path in life as MY path. I don't want to claim this part of my life. But I must.


Thursday, October 11, 2012

"It Isn't Fair"

Hello blog community! Again, I have been super busy and have neglected the blog. I am going to try to do better but life has got in the way. See updates at the end of the post to see what I have been up to.


Ok. So here was a real life conversation I overheard in the crowded hallways of Raytown South Middle School today.

Students #1: I cannot believe that we have to do that assignment. It is too hard and it is due tomorrow!

Student #2: I know. It isn't fair. But sometimes life isn't fair, you know?

Student #1: Yep. Life sucks. Oh, well.

(At this point, I am giggling to myself.)

I don't think they realized I was listening to their pre-teen worries. If I could have commented, I would have said, "Oh, you guys have no idea how unfair life really is."

I remember my parents always responding with "Life isn't fair" when I complained about how unfair their rules were. Boy, were they right!

We (including my infertile bloggers) spend thousands of dollars on a baby that teenage drug addicts (okay, an exaggeration) get on accident. We can afford the family...they cannot. We WANT the many do not. It isn't fair.

I work my BUTT off at work while others do not and make MORE than me! It isn't fair.

I have to diet and exercise to lose weight while others can eat McDonald's everyday and not gain a pound! It isn't fair.

(I could go on and on and on, but then I would forget to make a point.)

And I do have a point.

Although life is unfair in so many aspects. Life is SO great too. I am blessed (something beyond just 'fair') to have my husband, family, friends, co-workers, and my faith in God. I am blessed in so many areas of life. I often wonder if I would have cracked a long time ago without the sanity that those individuals bring me. So, yeah, life sucks sometimes. But I also realize that life is pretty awesome too. I know that this infertility chapter will come to an end at some point and then life will suck just a little less. ;)

Ok. So I did have a part-time job opportunity at Sylvan Learning Centers. But then realized that I have NO TIME in my life for a part-time job. My full time job has been keeping me plenty of busy and stressed on its own. I was getting the job to pay off our medical bills from the OHSS and IVF this summer, but the bills will still be there whether I get another job or not.

My class reunion was AWESOME! It went off without a hitch and I was so grateful to get to spend that time with all of them.

I love this pic from reunion and my friend in it!
No words for my expression...

Our Class
I have (technically) met my weight loss goal! I have lost 51 pounds!!!!!! What?! I know. It is crazy to think that back in January I was 51 pounds heavier. I went from a size 14 to a size 6 and even sometimes a 4! Craziness, I tell you. Now that I am (technically) at my goal, I changed my goal to 5 more pounds. And then I might change it again. I am hoping that the weight loss will help with our infertility but even if it doesn't...I feel awesome! I have more confidence and tons more energy!

Jeremy and I still have no idea what to do as far as having babies. We were going to wait for May and do another IVF so we have our debt from the last one paid down. But now...we are thinking of adoption paperwork. While getting adoption paperwork together, we may throw in a few IUIs while we wait. Who knows! These are just random thoughts/conversations that we have been having recently. I do think that we are hesitating on doing IVF again. I am scared. I was SO sick with OHSS and I don't want to go back to that point again. It was the worst time ever! Remember it here: OHSS aftermath and here: OHSS!! So we are unsure of where to go from here...but it will be an adventure either way.