Saturday, December 31, 2011

Looking to 2012

Today leaves me thinking and wondering about 2012. For the last couple of years, I have had great hopes that this would be the year I would be a Mommy. I have always been let down. So this year, I am taking a new stance. I am going to focus on how I view infertility.
My resolution is to lose weight (it is every year and it never lasts). Many people will make New Year’s resolutions--and break them before they even begin. Some will never make an effort to break the destructive patterns in the first place!  So today I am going to make a change in how I view my infertility.

How have I looked at my inability to conceive? There is no doubt it is a devastating life crisis. For those who have never experienced the crushing blow of an infertility diagnosis, delayed or denied pregnancy may seem like little more than a passing inconvenience. However, for those who live in infertility’s shadow every moment of every day, baby hunger can be an all-consuming dread and heartache. Is it a punishment? Is infertility God’s way of letting you know you have wronged Him? Has God chosen to show His anger or disappointment in me by closing my womb tighter than Fort Knox? How should I view my infertility?

  In 1 Samuel 1 where the story of Hannah is shared with us, there are two separate occasions where we see the phrase “the LORD had closed her womb”. There is no question as to why Hannah was not a mother. The answer is clear: the Lord closed her womb. If the Lord closes your womb, it is closed! Hannah’s infertility was not an accident. God did it on purpose. The first time I really paid attention to this phrase, I must admit, it made me mad. I wanted to believe that Hannah was having a problem conceiving and that God rushed in like a knight on a white stallion and saved the day. Wrong! God closed her womb. He did it on purpose! I didn’t want to believe that God did this to her? Why? Because if God did this to her, maybe He did this to me, too.

But wait! Here’s the good part! If God did this on purpose, then Hannah’s infertility--and mine--must have a great purpose! I don’t believe God allows something as life changing as infertility to haphazardly interrupt the flow of someone’s life for absolutely no reason. We know infertility doesn’t catch God by surprise. I believe infertility in life has a holy purpose. God will use it to reach me and teach me things I haven't understood.

Therefore, I am changing my view of infertility. I am not going to let the enemy convince me that it is something that has happened to me because God is angry with me or that He has forgotten me. Infertility has a purpose.  

So as 2011 draws to a close and 2012 begins, here is what I hope to do:
1. Let God's will be, I can't plan or control my life because it is HIS to control
2. Keep praying for our family but not obsess over it because it is for HIS divine purpose
3. Let stress and anxiety roll off my back
4. Love my family, husband, and friends more (I feel I have neglected them in my depression state)
5. Yes, LOSE WEIGHT. It needs to happen. I am hoping I don't give up one month in

I hope everyone has a great 2012! I know I am planning to.


Friday, December 30, 2011

I would die for that

I have watched this video at least 10 times. I cry everytime. At the beginning of it, I cry for me and start to feel sorry for everyone going through this infertility struggle. But at the end, I start to cry happy tears that one day I will be able to hold the sign that says "About to tell my husband I'm pregnant."


Thursday, December 29, 2011

Thus a new journey begins...

This is new to me. I am so used to crying to my husband, explaining everything to friends, praying to God alone, and living in an infertility code of silence. I have been reading a lot of books and most recently read Baby Hunger by Beth Forbes. Great book but even greater is the program Sarah's Laughter which sends me a message everyday that encourages me through the infertility struggle. Message after message from Beth tells me to start a prayer journal or write down my thoughts. it goes...

Jeremy and I married August 30, 2008. We have two furbabies: Lola the very evil cat and the love of my life, Bella the beagle. We wanted some time as a married couple so didn't jump right into family planning. June 2009 rolled around and we thought we should start trying. Jeremy was approaching the big 3-0 and we knew it was time. Little did we know, June 2010 would roll around without an addition to the family. It was time to address the issues. I was put on Clomid 50mg and then to Clomid 100mg. I was on Clomid for 6 months with no success. But we hadn't given up. We met with the reproductive specialist, Dr. Kim, in April 2011. He was so encouraging. He said that nothing was wrong with me or with Jeremy. Well, that seems like great news...

In the meantime, ALL (slight exaggeration) of our friends are pregnant! Everywhere we turn families are growing...all except ours. I want something to be "wrong" with us so they can fix it! But as it problems. Dr. Kim recommended doing an IUI with fertility meds.

I injected myself with needles for a couple of weeks...this was by far the most nerve racking thing I have ever done! My poor, sweet mother had to spend hours on the phone with me talking me up to actually plunging the needle into my abdomen. By the second day, I was an old pro. After multiple blood tests and ultrasounds, we were ready to trigger shot and do the IUI.

Jeremy was nervous about his "job" but quickly recanted when I reminded him of all that I had been through in the last two years. A couple hours later, I was officially inseminated. Now what?

We wait...14 days! Around day 12 post IUI, I started to bleed...and cry. I went into Dr. Kim for another ultrasound and blood work. By my surprise, I was pregnant! What?! That can't be! It worked! My dreams quickly vanished when the nurse on the other end of the phone line said that I was miscarrying. (We suffered two other miscarriages in 2011 as well.)

I am a teacher so school was starting soon and I couldn't see myself trying to teach and be compassionate while on the hormone treatments. It made me crazy and grumpy...I needed to wait awhile. I am glad we did! All of those treatments added up quickly. $2500 for all of the IUI and meds! This was on top of my thyroid procedure earlier in the year and Jeremy's kidney stones. We were a mess!

Everything is now paid off. I don't know why I am dragging my feet at starting the process again but I am.

I pray everyday for God's will to guide us. I plan to use this avenue to guide my prayers and my thoughts to a more positive light. I am sick of feeling sorry for myself and sick of being depressed.