This is new to me. I am so used to crying to my husband, explaining everything to friends, praying to God alone, and living in an infertility code of silence. I have been reading a lot of books and most recently read Baby Hunger by Beth Forbes. Great book but even greater is the program Sarah's Laughter which sends me a message everyday that encourages me through the infertility struggle. Message after message from Beth tells me to start a prayer journal or write down my thoughts. Okay...here it goes...
Jeremy and I married August 30, 2008. We have two furbabies: Lola the very evil cat and the love of my life, Bella the beagle. We wanted some time as a married couple so didn't jump right into family planning. June 2009 rolled around and we thought we should start trying. Jeremy was approaching the big 3-0 and we knew it was time. Little did we know, June 2010 would roll around without an addition to the family. It was time to address the issues. I was put on Clomid 50mg and then to Clomid 100mg. I was on Clomid for 6 months with no success. But we hadn't given up. We met with the reproductive specialist, Dr. Kim, in April 2011. He was so encouraging. He said that nothing was wrong with me or with Jeremy. Well, that seems like great news...
In the meantime, ALL (slight exaggeration) of our friends are pregnant! Everywhere we turn families are growing...all except ours. I want something to be "wrong" with us so they can fix it! But as it stands...no problems. Dr. Kim recommended doing an IUI with fertility meds.
I injected myself with needles for a couple of weeks...this was by far the most nerve racking thing I have ever done! My poor, sweet mother had to spend hours on the phone with me talking me up to actually plunging the needle into my abdomen. By the second day, I was an old pro. After multiple blood tests and ultrasounds, we were ready to trigger shot and do the IUI.
Jeremy was nervous about his "job" but quickly recanted when I reminded him of all that I had been through in the last two years. A couple hours later, I was officially inseminated. Now what?
We wait...14 days! Around day 12 post IUI, I started to bleed...and cry. I went into Dr. Kim for another ultrasound and blood work. By my surprise, I was pregnant! What?! That can't be! It worked! My dreams quickly vanished when the nurse on the other end of the phone line said that I was miscarrying. (We suffered two other miscarriages in 2011 as well.)
I am a teacher so school was starting soon and I couldn't see myself trying to teach and be compassionate while on the hormone treatments. It made me crazy and grumpy...I needed to wait awhile. I am glad we did! All of those treatments added up quickly. $2500 for all of the IUI and meds! This was on top of my thyroid procedure earlier in the year and Jeremy's kidney stones. We were a mess!
Everything is now paid off. I don't know why I am dragging my feet at starting the process again but I am.
I pray everyday for God's will to guide us. I plan to use this avenue to guide my prayers and my thoughts to a more positive light. I am sick of feeling sorry for myself and sick of being depressed.
-Lisa-
Lisa, I'm constantly praying for you guys to receive the answer to your prayers. I love you guys so much and I want you to always know that you can call me anytime you need to vent or cry. I will never offer advice unless you are asking for it...I know how lonely it can feel when you are going through this. We had three miscarriages prior to Samara and while I may not have gone through the physical pain, I did suffer the emotional pain. I'm so sorry that a lot of what you say in this post comes as a surprise to me. I feel like I've let you down on some level by not knowing what was going on in your life. Granted, I'm sure talking to your big brother about this stuff is probably hard to imagine but if you need me, I'm always here for you! I love you sis! Keep your faith...it will happen for you and you will be an amazing mother!!!
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