Wednesday, May 30, 2012


Well...I haven't written in awhile. I try to keep my blog posts positive and although I address the desperation that comes with infertility, I try my best to still be optimistic. However, I have had a hard time being the bubbly rainbows and puppies kind of writer lately. So don't be alarmed if this isn't all wrapped up in a nice neat bow this time.

Some positives since I wrote last....I am on SUMMER BREAK! I have been off for a whole week now and it feels amazing. I have had the chance to see my mom and family more in the last week than I have seen them in the last few months added all together. I am looking forward to having the next two months off. Although some days I am sure I will be bored, it is still great to get the relaxation time. I also have lost a total of 37 pounds. I really wanted to lose 50 pounds before starting fertility treatments but I feel good about 37. I am in sizes that I haven't been in since 2006. Consequently, I have had a few shopping trips. I don't have too many clothes that fit but I am fine with that problem!

Many of you know that our IVF treatments are taking over my summer. I started the beginning of treatment at the beginning of May. Now, we are getting down to the scary treatments. When I get my shipment of meds, I will post a picture. It is is insane! The meds alone cost $4000! It isn't natural to give yourself shots. Even scarier, there are shots that Jeremy has to give me as well. Many people on the outside looking in would suggest another method. They don't get it. They don't understand why I would put my body and mind through this. They don't understand why we would want to gamble $13,000 on a 51% chance that we have a family in the end.

I am not worried about the shots. I am not worried about the money. I worry about the strong possibility that at the end of the summer...we are not pregnant. We are investing our entire life in this one shot. We are going to get our hopes up. We are going to expect this to work. But a strong feeling in the very depths of my soul worries about failure. How will we move on from this? How will we survive the disappointment? God's plan and will are in full effect. So I know that if His plan doesn't involve our own children, we will be fine. However, the thoughts still keep me up at night and still terrify me.

I won't post specifics of the process. In fact, I might not post much during the process. It is too much information for most lay people. Instead I have an IVF community forum online where there are 25 of us going through everything at around the same time. But I would appreciate your continued prayers for Jeremy and I. However this cycle turns out, we will need our family and friends to be there for us.


Tuesday, May 15, 2012


It is so easy for me to get anxious when thinking, dreaming, living through the all-encompassing infertility battle. I ran across the passage in Philippians 4:6-7 that says...
                      "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

It is so easy to get wrapped up into the whirlwind of fertility treatments. We are well on our way to our first IVF treatment in just a few short weeks. All the preparation with doctor visits, medications, shots, etc. can easily raise my anxiety level. However, the financial stress is also great. Just to give you a figure...IVF can range from $11,000 to $15,000. Yowza! Today we are beginning to deal with this financial burden which again causes anxiety. I worry that if we are spending all of our money and going into debt it for not? What if this doesn't even work and we are broke afterwards? More anxiety.

However, this passage says that I should not be anxious but I should pray and ask God for favor. I feel so guilty asking God for more. He has provided so much for Jeremy and I. How dare I ask God for even more favor? I ask Him for guidance. I ask Him for forgiveness. I ask Him for medical miracles. I ask Him for financial blessings. I fear God views me as greedy or selfish. However, this passage eases my anxiety knowing that God invites all of us to ask Him for favor and prayers.

It is so hard to go to God with thanksgiving sometimes, though. Sometimes my world seems turned upside down with infertility. It's tough to find something to be grateful especially when I feel so down about our situation. But then I think of all of the wonderful gifts that God has given me. It makes me grateful for the many positive things in my life instead of focusing on the heartbreaking, daily struggle I go through.

So as our journey is changing and getting more and more scary...I just keep praying and asking for favor from God so as to ease my anxious mind.


Wednesday, May 9, 2012


I just love God. I love that He makes little miracles that change my thoughts from negative to positive. I love that no matter what happens in a day, I have hope for things to get better. I love that I never know what will come next in His plan. Just when I think I have everything figured out, He shows me different possibilities...I LOVE THAT!!

We celebrate so many things in life...birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, births, holidays, etc. How often do we really celebrate God and the wonderful life He has given us?! I looked at my celebration shopping list today. All events in the next month. I have to buy presents for Mother's Day, a birthday, an anniversary, a bridal shower, two weddings, and three baby showers!! Holy celebrations! It is so easy to just go with the flow and focus on the materialistic presents and events.

I just feel like celebrating my GOD today! (It was a pretty horrible day at work, don't get me wrong. The kids AND me are all ready for summer break!) But God is so great!

On my evening run tonight, the sun shone through the trees on the trail. It nearly blinded me in spots. Is it crazy that it was that moment on my run that changed my mindset to be more positive? Maybe. But God finds ways to connect to our hearts. I truly believe that. So instead of writing my blog on how depressing Mother's Day weekend is for gals like us...I was able to celebrate God.

I needed to stay positive today. I needed God to intervene because I could feel the stress and anxiety building. I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyelids. I could hear myself complaining to Jeremy as soon as he walked in the door.

So thank you, God! I don't deserve your love and patience but am beyond grateful that you still show me those wonderful gifts each and everyday.


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

IVF...Here We Come!

Those that know me well, or have at least been reading my blog posts, know that I am a firm believer of God's Will. My life is in His hands and He places obstacles and events in my life for His special purpose. However, sometimes I try to guess what God's Will for me is...which is bad. I can't guess what He is doing and what His meaning is...but I can't help but find myself doing it again and again. It is an ongoing struggle that I have.

I have struggled with the doctor's news for a week. But a lot changes in a week. Jeremy and I attended the Kansas City Infertility Awareness (KCIA) Annual Conference on Saturday. I was sick but it was something that I really wanted to attend. Jeremy really did NOT want to go. I think we was worried that everyone there (strangers) would know our problem. But he was reassured that everyone there HAS our problem. His hesitation faded and was masked by the giant amounts of free pens, gifts, food, candy, etc. I swear he managed to come away with 15+ pens. It is the little things...

Beyond the wonderful giveaways and food, the experience was amazing. We gained so much information that we would have never learned before. We were able to hear success stories from families that gave us hope for our future.

I signed up for this conference so long ago when IVF wasn't on our radar...not until Dr. Kim insisted that was our next step. How convenient that Dr. Kim mentions IVF just a few days before this conference! (This is where I start guessing God's Will.)

Jeremy and I left the conference with full bellies, full bags of goodies, and plenty of writing utensils. But we also left with a clear idea of what IVF was and how it could possibly help us. We literally shut the car doors and at about the same time we both said, "Well, we gotta do IVF." We agreed. For maybe the first time in months when it came to fertility treatment. We have bickered and bantered back and forth on what the next step was for us. We were never on the same page...until then.

So, without trying to guess His Will...I definitely think that He has used resources to educate us and open our hearts and minds to different ideas.

The IVF decision is made and it is only the beginning. We have finances to work out, shots to give, and prayers to pray but we are ready!