Thank You, Infertility!

I daydream. I always have. Sometimes Jeremy says that is me just being ridiculous and worrying about the stuff that no one worries about. Sometimes he is right. But other times my daydreaming really is valid.

I have been daydreaming about babies and pregnancy lately. Not that I want more children. I am content and happy with Max and Harper. They complete our family. I am satisfied. But what if?

What if I wanted to have children?

I feel as though infertility has robbed us from even contemplating this question.

Could we even have other children without treatments? We can't afford to spend another $20,000 for a chance at another child.

So we are not having any more children. And although I really am fine with this choice. There are things I will miss. Miss about having babies (because mine are big kids now!). Miss about being pregnant. And I can't help but blame infertility.

After all,  it was the beast of infertility that stole a normal conception and the excitement of a no worry pregnancy. I'm not bitter,  right?

I'd never ever in a million years take those little humans (that are my life) away. But our family plan has severely been raped by that infertility monster.



No more ultimate safety of babies being in me.
No more flutters in my belly.
No more kicks or stomach contortions.
No more ultrasound pictures.
No more nursery preparation.
No more pre-washing baby clothes.
No more love at first sight at a baby's birth.
No more stumbling in the night to make the bottles.
No more baby smells.
No more infant bathtubs (I loved ours!).
No more coos and first smiles.
No more first anything. (Too dramatic?)
No more growing out of newborn clothes.
No more teeny tiny diapers....and teeny tiny poops! Ha!
No more laying a baby down and the baby being there two seconds later.
No more teeny tiny clothes. Or shoes.
No more warming bottles.
No more bottles.
No more baby food.
No more feeding schedules.
No more BABIES!


It is so sad. It is sad that these two are it for me. But it is also rewarding...in a way. As much as I would love to relive those wonderful firsts, I know that I would miss that at any point. There's no magic number of children that would ever make me content. I'd miss those things at 3 kids, 4 kids or even 5! The truth is that my babies are NOT babies. It is just plain sad.


But because of infertility (yep!), I have my miracles. I blame infertility for a lot. It sucks. I hate it. I hate that we had to walk that path. But I also have to see that through that process and journey...I got Max and Harper.


Infertility gave me all of the above missed experiences and so much more.


We now have a lifetime of happiness ahead of us. Each day brings a first that will be added to my no more list. Whether it is Harper smiling her largest at the prompt of "cheeseburger" or the babbling conversation that happens in our car ride home when asked "How was your day?"


So instead of feeling robbed by infertility. I have chosen the mindset that God has blessed me by giving me the chance to experience motherhood via the path of infertility


As odd as it sounds...thanks infertility?


-Lisa-

Baby Showers Oh My!

Baby showers are a very normal step in the process of preparing for a first baby (or babies in our case). However, for an infertile...baby showers have always been such painful experiences. Granted, I have always been happy for my friends who now have beautiful children. But a shower was one of those occasions where my desire for children was thrown in my face.

It was so hard to sit through the games, the tiny décor, and the adorable baby items. Luckily, the cake seemed to take some of the sting away!

There were times that I backed out of baby showers because of the overwhelming sadness. There were times that I slipped out early.

BUT...for once these were showers for OUR babies! It didn't make it any less emotional for me though. My first shower was with Jeremy's family, my family, and family friends. My sister, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and mom all helped throw the shower.

My sister & me

With my mom

Write on a diaper and feed the piggy banks

The adorable cake!

The mints

The setup

The Loot

My sister, me, my mom

My sis, me, Mom, my sister-in-law 

It was such a great day! I held it together while at the shower but on my drive home...I lost it. I think it hit me that I just had a baby shower...for me! I spent years thinking (and believing) that I would never be pregnant, that I would never be a mom, that I would never have a baby shower. I bawled like a baby all the way home. I literally sobbed. I could have blamed it on the pregnancy hormones but the truth was...I was so happy that I didn't know how else to react to the generosity and support of the lovely ladies that were there with me.

My friends threw me my next shower. It was equally as emotional but again I kept my composure. I have been to their baby showers to celebrate their beautiful babies and they have been SO supportive through our entire process. They cried with me, prayed with me, and always found a way to make me forget about our lack of children even if for a brief time. They are the greatest friends EVER!

Great food!!

So great to hang out with friends!

The Loot!

We are missing one great friend who left but here are my friends for life! Many we have been friends for our whole lives!

The beautiful moms that have raised us and have also been 2nd moms to me!

My camper Alicia and her baby

Jeremy's work also gave us a shower but I don't have many pictures of the event! My work collected money for a gift card.

Moral to this story...we are BLESSED! So many people have supported us and still support us as we embark on this new journey called parenthood. I LOVED every bit of every shower.

-Lisa-

Giving God Thanks (even for the crappy stuff!)

Happy Monday to you all!

I hope your Monday after the long weekend was as good as mine. My kids weren't horrible today. They were productive and for middle schoolers...sweet. Did I just say that? Watch, tomorrow will be awful. That is how their minds work...make me believe they are wonderful and then BAM...back to normal pre-teens! Oh, how I love them though.

Yesterday, we sat and listened to one of those mind-blowing sermons. It really hit home with me to the point I was in tears. I would open my eyes really wide hoping to keep the tears in, but there was no way I could stop them. I wish that our church had posted the sermon already because it truly was one I would share with everyone, all faiths, all backgrounds. Especially the infertile.

It was based on Thanksgiving and how along the way we have lost sight of what Thanksgiving was established for...to thank God. I mean think about it...how often do you do things for other people and you don't get accolades or thanks? It happens quite frequently and it ticks me off! I often in my passive-aggressive way will say "You're welcome" even when a "Thank you" wasn't uttered.

Well, we do that to God. Even when we look at our lives and see nothing to be thankful for...thank God because he has done everything for you and will continue to do so. Our pastor even mentioned that the not-so-thankful moments in our life we should praise and thank God because He has laid this in front of us for His purposes and Will.

I can't do the sermon justice and if I see that they post this message, I will post it here. Truly eye-opening. I have found many more moments the last 24 hours to thank God. I realized I don't do that nearly enough. I find myself asking for things instead of praising Him for what He has provided for me.

I hope you all have a great week!
(Only 4 more posts for NaBloPoMo!)

-Lisa-

Family

My brother's family is in town this weekend. It has been great to have all of my family together in one place. Last night all 16 family members gathered in our tiny, little house. We ate and played games. It was fabulous! It really makes us thankful for what we have right in front of us.

We easily forget how great we have it. And family is at the top of that list. There is no way we could get through infertility without their support and love, not to mention the countless number of prayers they lift up for us!

My nieces and nephew are growing up so fast too. They aren't babies anymore, more reason why we need a baby! They range in age from 20 and about to get married to 12 and in 6th grade. They are just the sweetest, funniest kids around. We love them so much! We are also so lucky to have two adorable nieces on Jeremy's side, including the newest 3 week old addition. All of them perfect. I can't wait till we can add to both broods! It makes me giddy with anticipation.

I thought this Finally onesie was adorable! Hopefully we are able to get this soon!

P.S. The NaBloPoMo countdown is now at 6 more days!