I daydream. I always have. Sometimes Jeremy says that is me just being ridiculous and worrying about the stuff that no one worries about. Sometimes he is right. But other times my daydreaming really is valid.
I have been daydreaming about babies and pregnancy lately. Not that I want more children. I am content and happy with Max and Harper. They complete our family. I am satisfied. But what if?
What if I wanted to have children?
I feel as though infertility has robbed us from even contemplating this question.
Could we even have other children without treatments? We can't afford to spend another $20,000 for a chance at another child.
So we are not having any more children. And although I really am fine with this choice. There are things I will miss. Miss about having babies (because mine are big kids now!). Miss about being pregnant. And I can't help but blame infertility.
After all, it was the beast of infertility that stole a normal conception and the excitement of a no worry pregnancy. I'm not bitter, right?
I'd never ever in a million years take those little humans (that are my life) away. But our family plan has severely been raped by that infertility monster.
No more ultimate safety of babies being in me.
No more flutters in my belly.
No more kicks or stomach contortions.
No more ultrasound pictures.
No more nursery preparation.
No more pre-washing baby clothes.
No more love at first sight at a baby's birth.
No more stumbling in the night to make the bottles.
No more baby smells.
No more infant bathtubs (I loved ours!).
No more coos and first smiles.
No more first anything. (Too dramatic?)
No more growing out of newborn clothes.
No more teeny tiny diapers....and teeny tiny poops! Ha!
No more laying a baby down and the baby being there two seconds later.
No more teeny tiny clothes. Or shoes.
No more warming bottles.
No more bottles.
No more baby food.
No more feeding schedules.
No more BABIES!
It is so sad. It is sad that these two are it for me. But it is also rewarding...in a way. As much as I would love to relive those wonderful firsts, I know that I would miss that at any point. There's no magic number of children that would ever make me content. I'd miss those things at 3 kids, 4 kids or even 5! The truth is that my babies are NOT babies. It is just plain sad.
But because of infertility (yep!), I have my miracles. I blame infertility for a lot. It sucks. I hate it. I hate that we had to walk that path. But I also have to see that through that process and journey...I got Max and Harper.
Infertility gave me all of the above missed experiences and so much more.
We now have a lifetime of happiness ahead of us. Each day brings a first that will be added to my no more list. Whether it is Harper smiling her largest at the prompt of "cheeseburger" or the babbling conversation that happens in our car ride home when asked "How was your day?"
So instead of feeling robbed by infertility. I have chosen the mindset that God has blessed me by giving me the chance to experience motherhood via the path of infertility
As odd as it sounds...thanks infertility?