Showing posts with label blessed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blessed. Show all posts

Saturday, April 13, 2013

24 week update

Woo-hoo for viability!! I never thought we would get to 24 weeks. We can breathe a sigh of relief.

I feel like I have been so busy but I look around and nothing is getting done. I start to freak out a bit when I realize that Maxwell & Harper will be here in about 11-13 more weeks. As much as I can't wait to wrap them up and hold them in my arms...Momma and Daddy are not ready!

We have basically figured out daycare. It wasn't easy and we had lots of great options. We have decided to go with this daycare close to our house. We went and toured many centers but fell in love with the staff and facility. We won't need daycare until October 15. I go back to work October 1 and Jeremy is taking his leave at the beginning of October. Hopefully, one more spot will open up before then. At the moment, one of the twins has a spot while the other is waitlisted. The director said that she is sure a spot will open up before then so not to worry.

Our nursery is coming along. I am in the middle of many d├ęcor projects at the moment. I am NOT a crafty person so I am definitely out of my element. I will post pictures of the projects in a separate post.

FMLA and insurance is quite the headache but it seems to be working itself out as well.

At my doctor checkup Tuesday, I only gained 5 pounds this month. This is a change from the last appointment where I gained a whopping 10 pounds! I am up 33 pounds. I can't believe how large and in charge I am getting. However, my doctor assures me I am right on track and healthy. She said I will slow down on the weight gain because twin mommies usually load up on the pounds early on. In fact, if you gain 24 pounds before the 24 weeks mark...twins have a greater chance of staying in there longer so they are born at a healthier weight.

One thing that pregnant women may downplay is the movement. I am in complete awe of the punches, kicks, movement, etc. Jeremy is obsessed with watching the belly and feeling it. I think he nearly cried when his hand was kicked hard. I love looking at the belly move. It is a complete miracle and just feel so blessed that we get to experience this. I can't believe that more pregnant women or moms haven't told me about the awesomeness of this stage. I don't even care that I can't sleep because I know that when I feel them punch me, they are thriving.

Max and Harper will grow up knowing how much they were prayed for. They will know what blessings and miracles they truly are. They will also know that God sent them as His perfect timing for us. I can't help but smile and cry happy tears at the thought of holding my precious angels. It puts our whole infertility struggle into perspective.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11


Friday, March 15, 2013

Holy 20 weeks!!

If you would have asked me three years ago, or even 6 months ago, if I would ever get to this point...I would have told you that you were crazy! I cannot believe we are at the 20 weeks mark. I feel so blessed. I can't even begin to explain the pure elation. I cry when I think too hard about how God has blessed us.

I used to pray every day and night for a baby. I faltered in my faith often and thought God had abandoned us. I am so glad that He is a giving and FORgiving God. He not only had a plan for us and our family...He forgave us when we didn't trust in Him.

My belly is in a word...GINORMOUS! I can't believe it is going to get any bigger. I wake up and look in the mirror and gasp. I love having this huge belly because it means my babes are coming sooner and sooner....

Which also has me freaking out!!
*The nursery furniture was just ordered last week
*The bedding came in today!! I love it! It is yellow, white, and gray.
*We registered at BuyBuyBaby but still need to register at Target
*We need to pick out paint, buy paint, and paint the nursery before the furniture arrives in 10 days
*Heck, we need to clear out the nursery and move our office furniture to the basement
*We need to find a daycare center for the twins...we tour a few of them in a couple of weeks

I am in nesting mode which means I am stressed out when I can't get done what I need done. Which also means that Jeremy is doomed. He has mastered the smile and nod really well.

The last couple of weeks (actually months) have also been very difficult on our family. Jeremy's grandparents have both been ill and in and out of hospital and nursing homes. I lost my last grandparent almost 6 years ago so Jeremy's grandparents have been my own. In fact, his grandparents have always treated me like one of their own grand kids. We visited with them extensively about our fertility issues. They are Christians and prayed with us and for us.

It was so exciting to tell them back in December that twins were on the way. We all cried. It was shortly after that announcement when their health declined at a rapid pace. We lost Grandma on March 6. Jeremy and I were the last family members to see her before she passed. I can't begin to describe how much my heart aches. She was an amazing woman. I have felt like I need to be the strong one and support Jeremy and his family. So I have tried to cover my pain and dry my tears. But I miss her dearly. I am also heartbroken that Grandma won't ever get to hold Max and Harper. We decided to honor Grandma as well. Harper's full name is now Harper Evelynn Rose. Rose was Grandma's middle name. Now she will always be a part of our family.

I told my classes why I would be gone one day. One of my sixth grade students raised her hand and said the most profound thing, "I guess your grandma was special because she needed two souls to replace hers." I wanted to hug her and cry.

Grandpa still needs prayers and is in the nursing home. We will see him every weekend. We saw him Monday and he knew who we were and was up ready to visit. I just pray he gets stronger and stronger.

Sorry for the long post but there was a lot to update. I always plan to write on the blog more frequently and then life gets in the way. I do read all of the blog updates daily but never get around to writing my own!


Monday, January 21, 2013

Welcome ICLW!

I am so glad to get back into ICLW. I took the month of December off so I could have a break during the holidays and also didn't want to spill my news too early.

You are welcome to look through my TTC Timeline. We received the best news EVER around Thanksgiving. Our IUI #2 worked. We then found out in December that we were having TWINS. I am now 12w2d.

I thought that once I got pregnant, I would be able to relax. SO, not the case. I have been a nervous wreck since finding out about the twins. I just pray non-stop that they both decide to hang around for at least 24 more weeks or so.

Our journey seems to be changing over to parenthood and I struggle with making this change. We have TTC for 3.5 years and that has been our life. We are so excited about this next chapter of infertility but it is uncharted territory for us.

So, welcome! Ask questions, leave comments, and I look forward to following some all new blogs in the process.


Friday, December 28, 2012

Survivor's Guilt, HUGE NEWS, & Lying by Omission

It has been awhile. In fact, as I write this post...I am still unsure when I will actually get around to posting it. I have been adding bits and pieces for a couple of weeks just waiting for the right time to share it. My last "real" post was WAY back in November and since I started blogging, this is by far the longest break I have taken.

All for good reason.

Let me start off by saying, I am sorry. I am sorry for a lot, actually. I am sorry that I have been hiding from the blog. And I am sorry that I can't make sure that all of you have the amazing news that we were blessed with recently.

The day after Thanksgiving, I went in for what I thought was my CD3 scan. You can remember that bitter post where it was all over right here. The ultrasound tech realized that I hadn't shed my lining so that the bleeding and cramping that I had been experiencing was not ole Aunt Flo after all. They ordered more tests, including  HCG. It came back positive 12dpiui at 45.

We went back 72 hours later and it was 351. We went back 48 hours later and it was 943. My doubling times were crazy. But being the skeptic infertile I am, I waited for the bomb to drop. I was waiting for bad news.

We had a couple of weeks where we went about our days knowing that we might, quite possibly be pregnant. This was and still is a foreign feeling, by the way. Our 6 week, 3 day ultrasound was on December 12. To our utter shock, surprise and elation we saw two amazing sacs with two amazing heartbeats. TWINS! I cried. Jeremy sat with his jaw agape. The sonographer, Sara, cried with me. (She has been with me through all the scans for 3 years.)

We went to sit in the waiting room and both of us were literally shaking. We have NEVER received good news about our family. EVER. We have never felt like this journey would end. We always hoped that it would, but neither of us were ever able to picture a happy ending.
Our angels due August 4, 2013! 
BABY B @ 7w3d
BABY A @ 7w3d

After the overwhelming joy of our blessings, the guilt hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I turned to Jeremy crying on our way home and said, "Why us? There are so many women and men out there waiting for their babies. How did we get two?" Jeremy's response was simply, "It is our time. It will be their time at some point too."

And here is where I start having survivor's guilt. If this works and these two gorgeous babies decide to stick around (Lord, I hope so!), I vow to NEVER become a "fertile". I know the horrible mindset of those pesky fertiles and their disregard for the feelings of us, infertile. I will not be a fertile. I will always and forever be an infertile at heart. I know the struggle. I know the sadness. I know the tears. I know the heartbreak. I will never forget.

I know that some of you are hating my news. Some secretly. Some not so secretly. I have been there. For three and half years, I watched friend after friend get the happy ending I dreamed about. I heard and saw so many blogging friends post bump pictures and pregnancy updates. I would politely post a congratulations but the truth was that I was so jealous of their pregnancies, growing bellies, and baby plans. I wanted it for me. So, I won't make you read my posts anymore if you don't wish to.

I was going to make another blog for the pregnancy. But I can't bring myself to do it. This is my blog. I will try not to throw it in your face because I know that stings. But I will most likely post about my pregnancy experiences mixed in with some infertile rants as well. (I still love ranting!)

I need this blog and quite frankly, need all of you. But I do understand if my news makes it difficult for you. I wish we all could see the end to the long tunnel of infertility.

I hope you join me in this new chapter of our journey. I also hope that you forgive me for keeping this from you all for so long. I didn't know how to approach the news or how to say it. (I probably still ticked some of you off even though I tried not to.) I didn't mean to lie by omission but I needed time to wrap my mind around this all.

I thought worrying was over after the ultrasound. Truth is, worrying has taken on a brand new kind of meaning. I worry more now than I ever have! So I would appreciate any prayers, special thoughts, etc. because I am downright worried and frightened that this awesome news can be taken away from us at any time.

I haven't really told anyone about this news outside our circle of very close friends and family. We are almost 9 weeks and it is still too early to break it to them. I am not making a Facebook announcement, so if you are a Facebook friend and reading this, please hold off on the congratulations there until we are ready.

I am not really showing yet (just a pooch) and have not gained any weight yet. With twins I thought I would be huge from the get-go, but I am not complaining. I have been sick nearly everyday. It is a constant feeling of nausea which is probably why I haven't gained any weight yet. We saw our RE to say goodbye today. We took them a tray of goodies for the staff to all share. They will definitely be missed. At today's appointment, we were 8w5d and Baby A measured 8w4d with 184 bpm and Baby B measured 8w4d with 185 bpm. They are growing so quickly!!

Keep believing and trusting! Don't give up!


Friday, January 6, 2012

The Joy of Success

As a middle school teacher, we have days where we leave just utterly ticked off. Something happened, or didn't happen; you feel like nothing was accomplished; the kids were just off; I was just off, etc.

BUT today wasn't one of those days! I left feeling great.

It isn't often in normal day to day life where you get the feeling of overwhelming success, like you have made a difference. Luckily, in a teacher's every day to day life, we do! I love the "a-ha" moment. I love to see my "kids" learning and loving it. I love seeing them change and grow. I see it all the time.

Those moments keep me going. I may have a bad day but it could be the next day when a kid tells me that they know I really love them and I am not just pretending. It could be the next day when a kid tells me that he never knew he could write like he did.

I am so used to these great kid moments that make my life as a teacher worthwhile. BUT I don't usually feel successful outside of work. I go home and I have a great husband who I love unconditionally but I don't feel successful there. It is no great fete to love him. I just do. Our marriage just works, we don't have to work it.

Today, I felt successful outside of work. I received an email from a friend who had been reading my blog. (I hope she doesn't mind me posting this!) I know that God knew I needed that email from her right then. I was feeling down and a little off around lunch time, like nothing was going right. After reading her spontaneous email, I was in tears. But not depressing tears, happy ones. I was so touched that she would take the time to write those encouraging words. She said all of the right things that I needed at that time. She was building me up and making me feel better about myself. I don't think she will ever know how much that email touched me today.

Another example of why I am so blessed. I have amazing friendships and amazing people around me. That includes my "kids". God has put all of these supports in my life. Each experience that I live through pushes me closer and closer to Him.

HE allows me to feel successful. HE allows me to be strong. HE guides and directs my path. HE nurtures and loves me in even my darkest times. HE is my rock.

I hope you get to feel success today. It is such a great feeling!