I have dedicated this blog to writing about our infertility struggles to educate and inspire others but also as a coping mechanism for myself. I feel like the blog has helped me if not someone else. What I am struggling with is how I move forward. I am facing a good 10 months before we are going to go through another IVF (in-vitro) cycle. (I know it is a long "break" but the school year dictates our plan.)
So...what should I focus on? How do I move on? What will I write about? Do I dwell on what should have been? Do I dwell on how much our situation sucks? Do I get angry because we have to "buy" our baby where others can have theirs for free?
I am stuck.
Amid the swirling thoughts in my forever-running mind, I can't help but be a bit bitter. (That last phrase is filled with b's!) I am angry. I am sad. When I think too much about the disappointment, it makes me depressed. I hate when I allow myself to get to that point. I especially hate it when I allow myself to let jealousy take over. I can't help but look at growing bellies and growing families and feel horrible about myself.
But I really want to move on. So, when I can feel the anger and jealousy taking over, I focus on all of the things I should be thankful for. God has blessed Jeremy and I with an amazing life together. We have a house, we have jobs, we have fairly functioning vehicles, we have an awesome family, we have two adorable furbabies, we have amazing friends, we have the means to travel and enjoy life, and most importantly, we have our faith in Him.
So with all of these blessings...why do I struggle with moving past this one deficit of infertility? I should just be happy with what we do have instead of focusing on what we don't.
I know that with God on my side...I can "move on." I know that with His guidance that I will be able to focus my energy into a productive and positive outlet. Granted, I know that our infertility is always going to be a part of me. It doesn't go away and I don't think it ever will leave me entirely. But I am hoping that I can use the next 10 months as a way to de-stress, re-focus, be less angry, and to get rid of my jealous thoughts.
We shall see if I can accomplish this goal, and hopefully it is possible to move on.
-Lisa-
Lisa, I just want to encourage you and let you know that you are on my prayer list. I do know what you are going through. I was told I had a 6
ReplyDelete% chance of having bio kids. I knew we couldnt afford the treatments or adoption so we focused on foster care. I was literally days away from having kids in my home when I found out I was pregnant. I thank god for my miracle baby girl. The moment I had her my body went right back to what it was before, so we went the adoption route next. I now have two beautiful children. I tell u this to say that against all odds you canbe a mommy. I know it gets so old hearing "God has a plan" or "just relax it will happen". I remember thinking "the next person who says that is going to get my hand across their face." It's such a lonely place to be and nobody, as much as they might want to, can understand unless they have experienced it themselves. I will pray that God will show you what you are supposed to focus on during this time. There are always lessons he is trying to teach us in every trial we go through. If u ever need someone to talk to or vent to about those Bellies feel free to contact me. I used to dread going to places like the mall. God had lots to teach me and I knew that, but it doesn't make the hurt go away. Keep the faith girl. You will be a beautiful mother.
i just read your blog and I couldn't even imagine how it feels to go through what you have been through. I have also been TTC since 2009 and struggling with infertility (PCOS) but haven't been through all of the treatments you have.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I have read, you are a strong woman and I hope to keep reading about your journey, even with the break :)
i wish you all the luck in the world