Sadness + Stress = Subpar"ness"

Life happens.
Crappy life happens.


We know this. We are infertiles. Which means we also completely get how life events really do change all elements of our lives. We may not be able to focus on our jobs or friends when we are in the middle of a cycle or give our husbands as much attention when we are mourning a loss or BFN. Our stress and sadness makes us less of ourselves. At least, that was always the case with me. I became subpar. Not great at really anything...just existing.


That was three years ago now. And somehow the last month (or really 25 days) has really brought my world to a stop. My new normal is not normal at all.


It all started on Easter (look for adorable twin pics in another picture post). We had a great day. The babies were pretty well behaved during church, they played great with all of their cousins, and they just looked so darn cute hunting eggs! As we settled back into home around 6pm that evening, I received a call that I have dreaded but knew would come some day. It was my brother. My dad was in an ambulance on his way to the hospital.


My dad is a 70 year old stubborn guy that is a lovable teddy bear inside. But he has COPD. He has been on oxygen for 13ish years. His condition is getting progressively worse...there's no cure for emphysema or COPD. He manages fairly well and knows his limits.


Easter he wasn't feeling the best. He was struggling to catch his breath. The ambulance was called. They took him by ambulance but rerouted to a closer hospital then where we initially wanted to send him due to his condition. They had to intubate him and hook up to a ventilator.


We found out he had the flu. Great! We can treat that and get him better. So he was sedated and treated for the flu. The time came to wean him off of the ventilator and it didn't go well. He wound up getting sicker and it sent a shock to his entire body. Other organs started having issues. He even had issues coming out of sedation.


Day 14 in the hospital, we were told to say goodbye. That feeling. The feeling of utter sorrow. I shouted, screamed, and cried that ugly cry you see in movies. It hit me that my Daddy, my first love, my supporter, my caregiver, my rock, my role model...was going to die.


But he didn't. My whole family was there with him. We gave him permission to go if he wanted to do but if he had fight in him...then he better fight. And fight he did.


Fast forward to day 17 in the ICU, he had surgery to get a trach ventilator instead of the tubes down his throat. That day, he was able to kiss me! In three days time, I said goodbye knowing I would never be able to kiss my dad to kissing him! We thought we were on our way to recovery.


They transferred him to long term care facility at day 21. He is there to wean him off of the ventilator. Day 23 he is back in the ICU due to difficulties with weaning again. Day 24 he codes due to trach dislodged. And here we are...in holding. He will most likely move back to the long term care facility this week to try and wean again. He mouths words to us and I try to decipher what he is saying. He smiles. He kisses. He is alive. But he has a long road to recovery.


My life has been centered around his family emergency for nearing a month.


All of many jobs are maintained but really subpar. I am not doing anything particularly well. I am just existing. Sometimes the overwhelming feeling of failure makes me weep.


As a mom, I am not here as much. Harper and Max often say "Bye-bye, Mommy" when they see me. Is that all I do in their eyes? I see them a couple hours a day. It is sad.
As a teacher, I am just barely making it. I get papers graded late and really am not as focused on my job as I used to be. As a professor, I am SO behind in grading the end of the semester essays.
As a wife, I am neglectful. Jeremy has had to step up and be a single parent most evenings and on the weekends. He drove the kids around while I ran in the hospital to say goodbye to my Dad. He has been spectacular...but alone.
As a blogger, I suck! Not because of this incident...but in general. I keep starting posts and never finishing them. Sorry.
As a daughter, I am not doing enough. I can't be at the hospital all day due to my job. I wish I could do more for my mom and my dad.


So I am big giant package of SUBPAR SUCK! I have let sadness and stress turn me into the mediocre woman I am today. This is my new normal. I will work, visit the hospital any time I can, and find time to meet the bare minimum requirements of everyone else in my life.

My Daddy on my wedding day

Thanks for being understanding. Life will get back to normal soon. The sadness will lift and the stress will fade. I have done it before through infertility. I will get back to a better version of myself soon.
-Lisa-