I am so vocal about infertility when it comes to talking about it on here, the comfort of my blog. But when I wait in Dr. Kim's office where everyone there has issues or similar issues as us, it makes me too nervous to talk. I have no idea why!
Well, today we had plenty of frustrating minutes to wait...together. So eventually the four couples moved to the same side of the waiting room and struck up conversations. At first, it was small talk: "Do you like your Kindle?" "I love your purse." "How about them Chiefs?" etc. After the boys all completed their tasks, we all went our separate ways to kill 45 minutes.
We arrived back at Dr. Kim to see the other couples all gathered to one side again. The boys talked sports, smart phone games, and hunting (this is odd considering Jeremy does hunt?). Us girls chose to share a bit of our stories. Two of the four couples were doing their first IUI. They had such hope in their eyes. They believed that this was it for them. The other couple was experiencing their third IUI. The other two worked but they miscarried.
Then there was us. I didn't want to sound too jaded of all of the screwed-upness that is our infertility life. I tried to sugar coat the craziness of the roller coaster to the hopeful newbies. I don't think I did a great job and my cynical-ness must have creeped out of my mouth somehow. You could tell in their faces that they were worried that their stories could be like ours.
Soon after those conversations, each couple was called back. I found it odd that they just lined us up room after room. The nurse literally went from room to room inseminating us all like we were heifers at Farmer Ben's farm. Jeremy and I had quite the laugh about that. I think I laughed until I cried.
On our way home, I asked Jeremy where our innocence in all this had gone...when did we change from the hopeful newbie to the skeptical pros we are now??
To be honest, I would rather be honest in our expectations than joyfully ignorant. It is better for me to know that this may not work and that is okay. The last couple times, it was a strong feeling of "this is it" and it definitely was not "it". So this time around, we know that odds are against us, especially with my natural ovulation. We are not negative though. We just know that we can't pretend that everything is going to work, not after what we have been through. We have that ounce of hope still in our back pocket and we know that God is in control.
So now I relax in my sweats for the next day. I am going into work for a half day tomorrow.
-Lisa-
So proud of you for talking with the other couples. That is something I always regret not doing. Sending so many happy thoughts your way!!!!
ReplyDeleteI hear you about the hopeful innocence vs. jaded infertile. I felt the same way when we were doing IUIs and in the waiting room with other couples, wondering what their story was. Glad the IUI went well and yay for relaxing :)
ReplyDeleteWhat I would do to have the blissful ignorance I did when we first walked in RE s office. Of course I am grateful for everything this struggle has taught me. Fingers crossed for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling positive for you, lady.
ReplyDelete(and oh lawdy I crossed the bridge to jaded infertile long ago... Don't you hate that 'oh crap that could be us' look people give you sometimes? )
I think jaded and infertile go hand in hand. 'Wishing' with you that you won't have to be jaded forever. Thinking of you and sending positive vibes and prayer for success your way.
ReplyDeleteFirst off having bred cows I know exactly what you are talking about. Thanks for giving this farm girl a chuckle this morning. Sending positive vibes your way.
ReplyDeleteOh girl, I totally understand the jaded infertile. YES.
ReplyDeleteI had the same dilemma when Charlie Brown's cousin mentioned she was doing IVF for the first time. The best I could manage was "I really hope it works for you." It was awful, actually.
That said? I really hope it works for you this cycle.
(Here from Mel's make a wish post.)
xoxo
It's a fine line to walk between being bitter and jaded and trying to stay hopeful and relatively upbeat. I think once you've gone through this a few times, and it doesn't work out in your favor, becoming jaded is just a form of self-preservation. Sending prayers up on your behalf!
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