How to Help, What to Say

I know that my friends and family have struggled with what to say to Jeremy and I. We are sometimes tiptoed around because people are afraid of saying or doing the wrong things. My own family has asked what is appropriate to say and what isn't. So I have been making a list of things that might be helpful when talking to couples that carry the load of unplanned "un-pregnancy."

 As we struggle with infertility, our relationships with friends and family are undeniably touched. Those who conceive easily may have difficulty truly understanding the struggle an infertile couple faces every single day. 

What to Say...

I’m so sorry.
I’m praying for you. (Only say this if you really will pray!)
I’m here if you need to talk. (Then don’t be afraid of what we may say. Don’t be offended if we don’t want to talk. Being available to us as a sounding board is priceless.)

What NOT to say...

Relax, honey. It will happen. (This minimizes the hurt the couple is feeling. Also, sometimes it doesn’t happen.)
You’re so lucky not to be tied down with kids. You can go on vacation any time you want.
At least...you were only a few weeks along, At least...you have one child. At least...you have time with just the two of you. (A good rule of thumb is--if you start a sentence with “at least” it’s probably the wrong thing to say!)
So whose fault is it--yours or his? (Infertility is not an issue of fault. It is a medical condition that carries a heavy emotional and spiritual burden. This is an intensely personal battle. If we want--or need--to share personal, medical information with you, let us. It’s really quite an honor to be trusted with such vulnerable information. If we don’t want to share, please don’t ask.)
I know how you feel. (No, you don’t. Even if you suffered with infertility or miscarriage, you cannot know exactly how this person feels. You may have a good idea based on your own experience, but not the specifics of this situation.)
Don’t cry. It’ll be okay. (Let us cry. Let us cry with you or on you. Just let us cry.)

Be Sensitive...

Realize that the grief an infertile couple carries begins anew approximately every 28 days.
Don’t panic if the couple “emotionally vomits” on you. 
Don’t be afraid of anger. Hurting people tend to lash out. If they are angry at their spouse, their doctor, their baby, their body or even at God, let them vent.
Let them know you care. However it works for you and those you care for, just let them know you care.

As Philippians 4:13-14 says, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, but it is so good of you to share with your infertile friends/family in their trouble. Thank you!  Thank you for caring for hurting people and making such a wonderful effort to ease the pain of unintentional childlessness.

-Lisa-