Negativity

I haven't written in awhile. I have a lot to say. But I won't blab it all in one, lonely blog post.

I went to my 10th Weight Watchers weigh-in. It is old hat now. I have lost 19.2 pounds...so very close to 20 pounds! Our meeting leader, Becky, talked about Nixing Negative Talk.

Negativity? Me, negative? Nooooooo...

Absolutely! I took a hard look at who I was on the inside and I didn't like the way I was treating myself. I have allowed negative thoughts to enter my mind WAY more than I should ever allow. I am hoping that actually posting these negative, no-good thoughts here will allow them to exit my mind so I can focus on the positive aspects all around me.

I have been putting off another IUI for months. Why? Because I only attach negative feelings towards the procedure. I find excuses of why it isn't a good idea. I am afraid of failing again. I am afraid of not being able to keep it together. I am afraid that if I don't do another IUI that Jeremy will be angry at me. I think that it cannot work. I don't want to try again if it is just going to fail. Which it will...
(Those are the thoughts coursing through my brain right now...)

Speaking of failure...how did I allow myself to get like this? I tend to have negative, self-loathing thoughts about my weight, my career, our family situation. Here goes the rant:
How did I allow myself to get this FAT?
I hate seeing pregnant women. I really do. I can't help the jealous hatred that boils right under the surface.
We will never have a family. We better really like each other because it is just Jeremy and I forever.
I wonder if Jeremy would be happier with someone that can carry his child. Because I can't.


Feeling sorry for me, yet? I hope not! I don't want empathy.
I know that my negative thoughts are just a part of life. We tend to pull ourselves down even when so many miraculous events are going on around us. I would NEVER speak these un-healthy thoughts aloud (except maybe to God who already knows them).

I am hoping that I can become more positive. Tomorrow is a new day and so a new outlook as well. Writing the negative thoughts out releases them (even if just a little bit) from my body. I can move on and start filling my brain with more positivity like: God loves me. We WILL have a family even if it is not the way we planned. I am so blessed to be living through this obstacle because I am learning so much about myself and my relationship with God.

-Lisa-