Day 17...ugh!

As you know, I am sick of NaBloPoMo. I forgot why I thought this was a good idea. After this post, I will only have 13 more posts. I. Can. Do. This. I am all for accepting challenges and beating them. I don't even think there is a prize for NaBloPoMo but it proves something to myself.

Since I don't have much to share...and they don't give me prompts on the weekends...here is your funny for the day:

Here is your inspirational for the day:

Have a great weekend!
-Lisa-

No Ghosts for This Wuss!

The NaBloPoMo prompt for today is "Would you buy your dream house if the price was right BUT you also were told it was inhabited by ghosts?"

(By the way, I am tiring quickly from having to make a blog post everyday. This NaBloPoMo has definitely challenged me. To be honest, I don't feel like making a post today but I will because I have made it to the half way point and won't give up.)

I have stated before that I am terrified of nearly everything. This includes even the talk of ghosts. I am not necessarily even a believer of ghosts but I still get spooked by the thought of spirits roaming. Let alone have those wayward spirits haunting my home!

So would I buy my dream house? Heck, no! I would rather live in an overly expensive dump of a house than a cheap, haunted dream house. I enjoy sleep and comfort at home. I wouldn't be able to have that if ghosts lived there too!

As for me, I still believe that this progesterone sucks. I took Tylenol (since that is all I can take) to work with me today. Popping those every few hours has helped. I also asked for permission to run or work out. The nurse says it is a no go. They want me to take it easy and not elevate my body temperature or heart rate until we take a HPT next week. I guess it is for the best but the obsessive person inside is dying to run! Here in KC, the weather has been amazing running weather lately. Brisk in the morning and evenings with highs in the 60's. Perfect fall running. Not for this lady. All for the best if this works!

-Lisa-

Headaches & Favorites

I officially hate this Endometrin (progesterone suppositories)! I have had the worst headaches I have ever experienced today. It truly makes me feel like POOP! If I knew how poop felt, I imagine it would be something like how I have felt all day long. My eyeballs could have easily burst out of my eye sockets with the amount of pain I dealt with. Surprisingly enough, I didn't go off on any ill-behaved students. Although, very tempting at times.

NaBloPoMo wants me to declare a favorite pet. I have two...so one of them is getting thrown under the bus.

I know that it is horrible for a mom to play favorites. But...I am pretty sure I was Mom's favorite out of the four kids...right, Mom? Ha! So if it is bad to play favorites, then I am about to be labeled as the worst pet Mom ever! My choice is easy.

• Lola: 7 year old tabby cat. She weighs in at a whopping 15 pounds. She carries around a satchel of fat around her mid-section. She loves ME. Only me. She licks and nuzzles me. But the honest truth is that Lola is one of the meanest, vindictive cats I have known. She purposefully attacks people and other animals. She will stalk and pounce right when they are feeling safe. She bites Jeremy in his sleep. She never forgets. If you have ever wronged her in any way, she will hold that grudge against you forever. Do I love her? Yes. No one else does. In fact, Lola has quite the reputation in our family as the evil one. My 14 year old nephew is even terrified of Lola. When spending the night at our house, my nephew couldn't sleep because the evil cat snuck into the guest bedroom. True story. By the way, Lola hates our other pet, Bella, with a passion. She walks up and punches her in the face for no apparent reason.
• Bella: 4 year old beagle. She weighs in at 21 pounds. She is slim and trim for a beagle. She has the sweetest face I have ever seen. Her floppy ears drive me to cute insanity and her eyes melt my heart. She loves EVERYONE. I mean everyone. And I have never met anyone that doesn't immediately love her in return. She is always happy to see us when we get home. It doesn't matter if we were gone for 5 minutes or all day long. She wouldn't harm a fly. Even when the evil one punches her, Bella just looks at her in bewilderment. This does mean that Bella is a push over. She is scared of everything (just like her momma).

Bella

Bella

The girls...not fighting

Before Miss Bella came along

The girls begging...as usual

Lola

My Girls

So...my favorite? Do I even need to state it? Here is a hint...the most lovable one!

-Lisa-

Sweet & Sour Chicken

NaBloPoMo wants me to tell about the best meal I have ever cooked.

Let's start off by saying that my husband is well fed. He gets food cooked for him every night. That doesn't mean any of that is ever considered "good". So my best meal cooked isn't going to be that fabulous.

I am a baker. I love to bake. Ask me my best dessert and I could tell you. That is my forte.

So I asked my husband what my best meal is. He loves when I make sweet and sour chicken. It isn't store bought or frozen. I found this amazing recipe when I started Weight Watchers. It is light on the points but I must say it is pretty tasty. It takes about an hour and a half so it is not a quick meal to make but it definitely is yummy!

For the Chicken

• 3 -4 boneless skinless chicken breasts (cut into chunks)
• salt and pepper, to taste
• 1 cup cornstarch
• 2 eggs (slightly beaten)
• 1/4 cup canola oil or 1/4 cup vegetable oil

For the Sauce

• 3/4 cup sugar
• 4 tablespoons ketchup
• 1/2 cup vinegar (preferably rice or white)
• 1 tablespoon soy sauce
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder

Directions:

1. 1
   Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
2. 2
   Season chicken with salt and pepper.
3. 3
   Working in two batches, toss the chicken pieces in cornstarch and then coat with the egg.
4. 4
   Heat the oil over medium-high heat and again in two batches, brown the chicken, turning it so that all sides are browned but not cooked through.
5. 5
   Place the chicken in a single layer in a foil lined 9x13 inch baking dish.
6. 6
   Wisk together the sauce ingredients in a small bowl.
7. 7
   Pour sauce evenly over the chicken and turn the chicken to ensure each piece is coated.
8. 8
   Bake for 1 hour, turning the chicken every 15 minutes.

 

 

 

 

 

-Lisa-

Infertile Bravery

As I continue NaBloPoMo, I am going to try and stay away from the scary topic of THIS CYCLE. Any thoughts I may have come across as negative and so it is best to keep those thoughts pushed deep down. However, I have a confession. I have been googling successes of natural ovulation before trigger shots. I. NEED. TO. STOP.

The question for today is "What is the bravest thing you've ever done?"

I am not a courageous person by definition. I haven't fought off a man-eating zombie. I haven't defended my dog from a bear. I am scared of scary movies. I am scared of even talking about scary movies. If Jeremy shouts or screams out of nowhere, I jump.

I am not brave.

However, many people see what we have been going through the last three years as bravery. I don't necessarily see it that way because it is something we HAVE to deal with. We don't have a choice to choose the easy path. We have to travel down the scary, wooded path of infertility. Yes, I give myself shots. Yes, I have had more blood drained than a vampire's prey. Yes, I have been "wanded" more times than many women could imagine.

Brave? I don't think so. It is out of necessity that us infertiles forge on. If we stop being "brave", our dreams can't become reality. And that is not an option.

-Lisa-

Sweats and Sharing News

Well, we are officially in our 2ww (two week wait) now. Nothing exciting will happen in awhile. So my blog will be filled with NaBloPoMo prompts like today.

However, I do have one thought. We don't expect to have news to share in two weeks...but if we do...we probably won't share it immediately. Our families and friends read this and we don't want them to get too excited or too depressed for us. We figured we would wait to make an announcement either way. That way if it does work (big if) we can share after we know everything is going mildly okay and if it doesn't work, we can bask in our sadness before allowing others to feel bad for us. Those of you that do or do not make announcements on positive or negative results immediately, why and how did you decide? I would love to have your input to help make our decision.

Now onto the NaBloPoMo prompt...today's prompt asked "Where is your favorite place to blog?"

I prefer to have on sweats when blogging...actually, I prefer to have on sweats any time I can. But truly the sweats allow me to think. The comfiest locale is the best place to blog for me. It is sometimes sweats in a bed (preferably my own), sweats on the couch, sweats in the man cave (sometimes I am allowed), sweats outside on the deck (preferably in warmer, milder weather), or even sweats in our office. Common theme...sweats. It is like Sam I am but with sweats.

I can't sit in dress clothes (work clothes) to blog or really do anything. It as if as soon as I get home, the complete wardrobe must change. This is the same rationale with my blogging place as well.

-Lisa-

Everything a Cow Could Want

We arrived at Dr. Kim's office at 9:15am. We noticed we were one of four couples that were there for an IUI.

I am so vocal about infertility when it comes to talking about it on here, the comfort of my blog. But when I wait in Dr. Kim's office where everyone there has issues or similar issues as us, it makes me too nervous to talk. I have no idea why!

Well, today we had plenty of frustrating minutes to wait...together. So eventually the four couples moved to the same side of the waiting room and struck up conversations. At first, it was small talk: "Do you like your Kindle?" "I love your purse." "How about them Chiefs?" etc. After the boys all completed their tasks, we all went our separate ways to kill 45 minutes.

We arrived back at Dr. Kim to see the other couples all gathered to one side again. The boys talked sports, smart phone games, and hunting (this is odd considering Jeremy does hunt?). Us girls chose to share a bit of our stories. Two of the four couples were doing their first IUI. They had such hope in their eyes. They believed that this was it for them. The other couple was experiencing their third IUI. The other two worked but they miscarried.

Then there was us. I didn't want to sound too jaded of all of the screwed-upness that is our infertility life. I tried to sugar coat the craziness of the roller coaster to the hopeful newbies. I don't think I did a great job and my cynical-ness must have creeped out of my mouth somehow. You could tell in their faces that they were worried that their stories could be like ours.

Soon after those conversations, each couple was called back. I found it odd that they just lined us up room after room. The nurse literally went from room to room inseminating us all like we were heifers at Farmer Ben's farm. Jeremy and I had quite the laugh about that. I think I laughed until I cried.

On our way home, I asked Jeremy where our innocence in all this had gone...when did we change from the hopeful newbie to the skeptical pros we are now??

To be honest, I would rather be honest in our expectations than joyfully ignorant. It is better for me to know that this may not work and that is okay. The last couple times, it was a strong feeling of "this is it" and it definitely was not "it". So this time around, we know that odds are against us, especially with my natural ovulation. We are not negative though. We just know that we can't pretend that everything is going to work, not after what we have been through. We have that ounce of hope still in our back pocket and we know that God is in control.

So now I relax in my sweats for the next day. I am going into work for a half day tomorrow.

-Lisa-

God's Plan For Me

No one ever said that life was easy. I don't know why I expect this infertility chapter of our lives to be any different. One cycle may go the way it is supposed to and the next is screwy. I am used to it but it doesn't make it any easier.

I am trying to still remain positive about his IUI cycle. Yes, my body decided to be stubborn...again. But it isn't all lost. We go in tomorrow morning for the insemination. I have to still keep an ounce of hope in my back pocket. Without that small amount of positivity, this situation REALLY sucks.

I can't help but run through all of the disastrous probabilities. I couldn't take the Ovidril trigger shot last night because last time it caused OHSS. So I know that out of my 3 follicles, only 1 will ovulate since I am ovulating naturally. I am praying that it is the largest of the 3 that decide to drop. Then I also worry that we won't be able to jump right into another cycle in December because these large follicles are going to probably create cysts. Ugh! My mind won't shut up.

The only thing that gets me through this painful, defeated day is God. I know that although I am hurting and frustrated...He knows what He is doing. This is following His plan even though I don't get it quite yet. I really wish God could give us a road map of our lives. It would make this easier on me if I knew the end result.

-Lisa-

UPDATED: Babies, please! Ovulation, hold on!

I have been having constant cramping since last night. I am so uncomfortable! I can't help but have flashbacks to our IVF debacle this summer. I ovulated on my own a few hours before I was supposed to trigger. It was a disaster!

Well...
 I am feeling the same way today. I am crampy and full feeling. My mind is racing and all I see is another disaster. I plan on peeing on ovulation sticks every time I pee! I did get the go ahead to trigger tomorrow night! This means I only have to wait until tomorrow night before my mind will relax a bit. I keep telling my body "Please don't ovulate yet. Please dont ovulate yet." Hopefully, she is getting the hint.

The good news is that I have 3 follicles from 16mm-19mm. I take another Gonal F shot tonight (74iu) and then Ovidril tomorrow night. So our IUI is scheduled for Monday morning. It works out great because my students are out of school that day and Jeremy is off work for Veteran's Day. But I still can't help but be a nervous wreck. I know it must be all in my head...I am just panicked that my worst nightmare will happen...AGAIN!

Last night, Jeremy prayed that I would hand this over to God. I really need to. It is completely out of my hands. If my body wants to be stupid and stubborn, worrying about it isn't going to help any. I am going to try to relax the next 28 hours and stay as positive as I can. Wish me luck on this fete!

On another note, the NaBloPoMo prompt today is such a no-brainer! "If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would it be?"

Well, duh! I want a freaking baby! I would prefer to have a baby the way most of the population does though. I don't enjoy spending money, getting prodded with needles and wands, and the stress of infertility. I want the ease of just saying, "Hey, let's try to have a baby," and BOOM! instant pregnancy. God obviously has other plans for us, and that is fine. However, it still sucks!

-Lisa-

UPDATE @5:50: I hate my body! Why can't I catch a break?! Predictor kit tonight says ":)". Normally a smiley face means GREAT...instead it means DISASTER. I can't believe this has happened again. I have not ovulated in two months and now that we spend money on a cycle...she decides to work at the wrong time! I am so frustrated, defeated, and sad.

Dr. Milroy is the doc on call. She recommends we do the "baby dance" tonight and go in for IUI on Sunday morning instead of Monday. She wants to pretend that I took the trigger tonight. I have my doubts of this working especially considering we don't know the exact time I started the LH surge. I know it is in God's hands but it is getting harder and harder to deal with all of this.

Why is my body so screwed?!!!!! Ugh!!

Angry Woman Coming Through

I feel like I have been perpetually angry for a week now. Most times, I don't even know why. I know that it is caused by the Femara and Gonal-F, but I still feel so sensitive. It really is like I am having a constant out of body experience. I furrow my brow, the vein in my forehead pops out, and I narrow my eyes at even the slightest annoyance.

My poor students! My poor husband! They are the ones getting the wrath lately. However, I am starting to feel a bit normal as of lately but it has been a rough week to say the least.

On the IUI front, I can feel the follicles growing. I have been having lots of twinges and cramps. I also have that full feeling. I am hoping that my labs tomorrow morning come back saying we are ready for the trigger! It will be definitely disappointing if I need more shots.

I know that we are supposed to stay positive. BUT...we have decided that if this doesn't work, we will do one more IUI cycle right after this. Our deductible for insurance has been met so they are paying for more of these expenses. Our deductible starts over in January so the more we can get done in 2012, the better. Still hoping that this one is it though!

Have any of you been tested for MTHFR (sounds horrible!)? I have read a few articles on this and am wondering if I should be tested for this? And to be honest, I am still unclear of really what this is...any info would be helpful.

Trying to NOT be so angry!
-Lisa-

Lumpy, Hairy Belly

I had my CD 11 check-up today. I have 2 11mm follicles on my left and 1 13mm follicle on my right. I was shocked since I have only had two Gonal-F shots so far. I am usually in the single digits at this time in my cycle. So I was thrilled!

They are leaving my Gonal F injections as the same dosage (also a first for me!). I have had to go up to 300 iu for all of my cycles thus far. I can't believe I am responding on just 75iu. I go back in on Friday and the nurse seemed to think I might be ready to trigger Friday or Saturday evening for an IUI Sunday or Monday! Yay!!

My NaBloPoMo writing prompt today was "What is the last compliment that you received?"

I have got lots of overly nice compliments about my weight loss but those are not the last compliments. Jeremy is used to my weight loss so his compliments are a bit more...sarcastic.

Tonight as I was giving myself my shot in the belly. Jeremy said, "You have a hairy belly! You need to shave that!" To which I replied something not so kind. He recanted with "But your belly isn't nearly as lumpy as it used to be." He said this sincere even though he was being a total a**!

I gotta love him. We have a strange sarcastic relationship that not many people understand. It was a compliment to me, although he comes off as a complete jerk to all of you!

-Lisa-

Chunky Bar

Happy election day! How great is it that we have the right to vote in this country?! So many people live in worlds where they have no such right. I can't believe how many people do not exercise their right to vote! Shocking to me! Get out and vote people!

While I was at my polling location this evening, a very sweet and kind, older gentleman sat next to me. He had a king size Chunky bar next to him. It was broken in half and he ate one half. He pushed it over to me and said, "Well, little lady...you can have the rest." I politely said, "Well, thank you. Chocolate makes everything better."

Here is the chocolate in question

I quickly finished my ballot and took the Chunky bar with me. I want it known that I did not eat the Chunky bar! It was tempting, I tell you. Very rarely do I ever turn down chocolate. But the more I thought it over, the more that this seemed like the start of a bad Lifetime movie.

Old man finds naive girl in basement of church.
Old man politely gives naive girl a chocolate bar.
Naive girl takes chocolate bar.
Old man follows naive girl.
Naive girl eats chocolate.
Naive girl becomes unconscious girl.
Old man kills and dismembers unconscious girl.

(Something like that)

Well, no worries. I did not eat the chocolate. But seriously? How weird is this entire story? I have never actually taken candy from a stranger...until today.


P.S. I go in tomorrow morning for ultrasound and bloodwork. It will be CD 11.

-Lisa-

Boycotting & Shooting Myself

I am boycotting the NaBloPoMo idea for my prompt today. It asked my thoughts on the election tomorrow. I make it a habit NOT to talk politics with anyone but my husband. It always creates so many feelings. I piss someone off or they tick my off, etc. So what I will say about the election...I will be SO glad when it is over so I don't have to see commercials, get phone calls, or see gawdy signs classing up our neighborhood.

Now...I just (literally 5 minutes ago) gave myself my first stim shot this cycle. I have never used Gonal F before but used Follistim which was similar. I had no panic attacks and no qualms about doing it. I don't know if it is something I should be proud of. "Yes, I can stab myself over and over again with needles without freaking out." What a talent?!

I am getting so excited for many of blogging friends. I love hearing that retrievals are coming up, trigger shots given, or those of you that are just starting a new cycle with me. I am thinking of you all!

-Lisa-

Auntie Lisa

I am used to the term "Auntie Lisa" or "Aunt Lisa". All of my friends' babies know me (or I call myself) "Auntie Lisa". This is on top of all of our nieces and nephews who I am a legitimate aunt to.

Yesterday, I became a legitimate aunt to my 9th baby! We have a new niece, Olivia, who I am dying to meet. In fact, I am making a quick post to fulfill my NaBloPoMo requirement so we can get to the hospital to meet her! She was close to being born on my birthday which would have been exciting.

I haven't had a baby niece or nephew in FOREVER! If I don't count my gorgeous, illegitimate nieces or nephews by my friends, I haven't had a baby niece on my side of the family for 12 years! Jeremy's niece (now big sister) is 9. So this baby will be spoiled rotten!

No news to report on our cycle. I took my last of the Femara last night. I do nothing tonight. Tomorrow we have our first Gonal F injection (75iu). I am worried about not responding as fast as they need me. I am gun shy after our disastrous IVF cycle where my body did strange and unusual things. I am hoping the body doesn't try and pull those shenanigans again.

-Lisa-

Nothing Going on Up Here

I knew that I would be challenged by NaBloPoMo and having to post every single day. But I didn't expect that it would come on the third day of the challenge. They only days I have to think about what to write are the weekends when I don't have a prompt to answer. Well I have nothing intelligent, witty, sarcastic, fun, exciting, or motivational to post today.

So I leave with someone else being one of the above. Have a great weekend!

-Lisa-

Northwesternly Love

I am NaBloPoMo-in' it up again for day 2. The question for today is "If you could live anywhere, where would you live?"

Jeremy and I fell in love with the Northwest when we visited Seattle, WA in 2010. True love. We have picked out our house (one we can't afford. ever.), researched jobs, etc. It is probably the most gorgeous part of our country (although I am sure up for debate). I love the mountains, the sound, the city-life of Seattle, the food. All of the above. So, we always say we will retire to Washington/Oregan area.

So here is an awesome BEFORE picture of my weightloss! This is me in Seattle but with an extra 52+ pounds on me.

However, our families aren't there. Our friends aren't there. But when we win the lottery (first, we have to play), we will live there and fly home often. Because of course, our families will want to see our CHILDREN that we WILL have!

One more day on Femara and first stim shot is on Monday! IUI cycles go so much faster, I nearly forgot! Heck we could have our IUI as early as next Friday! However, I am a known late responder so I doubt it will be that soon.

For now, off to my birthday dinner with my hubster!

-Lisa-

Last Year in my Twenties :(

My twenties have been awesome! I had the most fun, biggest changes, greatest challenges, heartbreak, love, success, and failure. I LOVE being in my twenties. That is why on my 29th birthday today, I feel as if there is a lot to do in the next year. First thing---GET PREGNANT! That has been on my list for a few birthdays so far...still waiting. I know that 30 isn't old...but it marks me being old under fertility standards.

However, here is what I have to look forward to in my thirties:

• I WILL be a mom
• I WILL be a skinnier/healthier me
• I WILL have better skin
• I WILL be smarter, wiser ( I know it is hard to top where I am at but I bet I can try!)
• I WILL be more in love with my hubby than I am now
• I WILL make more money (let's hope)

So, I plan on enjoying my last year of my twenties. Yes, 3-0 scares me still. But I am positive many great things will happen in the next decade.

Meanwhile, I have decided to join NaBloPoMo. There is an icon over there on my page but it is going to truly challenge me! I need to post on my blog EVERYDAY during the month of November. This means weekends and holidays too. I have some writing prompts that will get me through the weeks.

Today's prompt asked me my favorite quotation and why. So, of course, I turned to my Pinterest page which is filled with collected quotes that I love.

 

 

 

 

I love this quote for many reasons. First of all, it applies to so many areas of life but most importantly it fits so well with an infertile's life. There are so many things we WANT in life. Some dreams we eventually give up on or change our minds. I will NEVER change my mind or give up on our dream of having children. I know that it is everything I have ever wanted. If only we had a magic ball that showed us our future...only then will this infertility all make sense.

 

I look forward to posting everyday this month...hopefully I can keep it up!

 

-Lisa-

 

 

 



 

Blogger Help

Ok. My comments that I make on other blogs are disappearing. They go to a SPAM folder. I am not SPAM. I am not that shady/sketchy (I don't think!) either.

Does anyone know how I can fix this? Why does Blogger not trust me? I have a Google account that I use to comment.

Any help/advice out there?

Ready, Set, Go!

I have been so conflicted with if we even do more treatments. I feel like it was God's way of telling us to wait or to move on to adoption. AND it still could. But I wouldn't feel right about moving on until we at least tried one. more. time.

I waited (rather impatiently) at the early morning clinic at Dr. Kim's office this morning. It was so good to see the nurses, receptionists, ultrasound tech, and the phlebotomist again. They all greeted me with hugs. They are amazing! I really have missed them.

My ultrasound showed a residual follicle or in lay men's terms...a cyst. This is normal for me. I have had them at the start of every medicated cycle. Just like in the past, this little cyst isn't producing hormones so we are ready to get going! My blood work levels all look great and Dr. Kim passed on that I currently have 4 dominant follicles. Hopefully those babies will grow and grow!

I start my Letrozole tonight and take it through Sunday. This medicine causes PMS symptoms. Really bad. Say a prayer for Jeremy and my students. They may need it. I remember taking it last time and it literally made me feel like I was watching me behave as a monster but I couldn't help it. It also has been known to make me weepy. Even more than normal!

We start Gonal F injections on Monday and then back in for another scan next Wednesday. We could be inseminated as early as November 9 which is super exciting!! And also nerve-wracking. I know not to get my hopes up because even though it is fertility treatment...the chances of getting pregnant are still significantly low.

I do have faith that God will give us the family He wants for us when it is on His time schedule. But I still have faith that it will happen. I loved this quote from Pinterest, of course!

-Lisa-

As in Tomorrow, Tomorrow? (Decision Made Part 2)

So if you haven't read "Decision Made Part 1" yet, go read that NOW here.

Dr. Kim's office called me back this morning...of course when I was in the middle of teaching. I could hear my phone buzzing inside my closet. It took every ounce of patience within me to not stop teaching and go over and answer it. I resisted and called them back during my planning period.

Judy, the not-so-friendly nurse, went over Dr. Kim's plan for this IUI. It is a great plan by the way!

Judy: What cycle day are you on?
Me: Day 2.
Judy: Great, we need you to come in tomorrow morning between 7:30 and 9:00.
Me: As in tomorrow, tomorrow? I didn't know we would start this month?
Judy: Well, we don't have to but we can. Do you want to wait till next month?
Me: Nope. Let's do this! (Inside I freak out)

So here is the issue with doing infertility treatment during the school year:
1. I have to be at work by 7:30am...Dr. Kim doesn't open for scans and blood work till 7:30am.
2. I work with kids that don't deserve the hormonal teacher that will be present during stims.

Luckily, I have amazing co-workers and great bosses that allow me to still go forward with this. So we have a system figured out where my colleagues will take my students in the morning until I can get to work. Literally...amazing people!

So now that my work buddies have taken that stress away...I am still freaking out! I wasn't emotionally or mentally prepared to start this IUI cycle this early. It was just decided on a couple days ago and now we are going in for a baseline TOMORROW! As in tomorrow, tomorrow.

I have lots of rambling worries, excitement, nervousness, etc. But I will hold my tongue for now. Now just praying that my baseline is good enough to get this thing going.

-Lisa-

Liebster Love...Awwww

I have been nominated for the LiebsterAward by two lovely ladies! The Liebster Award is for up and coming blogs/blog writers. I have less than 200 followers so qualify as being "new" to the blogging community. I am super excited to meet new bloggers. I do this through ICLW, stalking other infertility bloggers (ha), and even vlog challenged like Stupid Stork had this week.

Here is what I have to do to share the Liebster love...
1. I have to answer questions from the two nominators
2. I have to in return nominate 11 blogs with 200 or less followers
3. I have to give those nominations their own questions to answer

 

 

 

 

I have been following Miss Amanda @ her blog here since we both were going through our first IVF cycle in June. She is a funny and amazingly strong gal. Thanks for the nomination!

Here are Amanda's questions for me:

1) If you were a pickle in a jar, where would you want to be and why?

I answered this on my vlog and thought this question was amazing! I would be the pickle in the bottom of the jar...I would be in there longer to soak up the pickle juice and hopefully the last eaten!

2) What is your favorite holiday?

I love Christmas! I love the coziness, family time, and Christmas trees and lights!

3) If you have a bucket list, what is the most ridiculous thing on it? (Thanks Bree for the question)

I have never made a bucket list; although, I have often felt like I should have one...I

4) If you could only watch one disney movie for the rest of your life, which one would it be and why?

The Little Mermaid!! Hands down! Love it!

5) What is your favorite nursery rhyme?

Hmm...I know it is an easy choice but I am a fan of the classic "Jack and Jill". Mainly because as a kid I always enjoyed that the boy is the one who fell down the hill!

6) Do you have any pets? If no, why not?

Yes! I love them! My cat is Lola and she only gets along with me. My beagle is Bella and she is my dogger. I love her WAY too much, if that is possible.

7) Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

Unsure...but I think no. I have always added blond highlights but at one point in my life, I was a natural blond...I promise.

8) What do you like to do in your spare time?

Read. My Kindle is never far from me.

9) If you could be any crayon color, which would you choose to be? (Thanks April for the question)

I want to pick something fancy like "macaroni and cheese" but I am not a fan of yellow/orange. So I am going with "clover green" I love dark, bright green.

10) What is the furthest you have been away from home and where was it?

We are lame travelers...Seattle, WA was by far our favorite locale away from home but probably not the furthest.

11) How old were you when you got your first cell phone?

Cell phones weren't huge until I was 16-17. Plus I had to pay for my own. I didn't actually get my own cell phone until I was 17. It was the big, bulky Nokia ones where I could change the face plate.

 

Now for Alie @ patienceisnotmyvirtue. I was introduced to her through ICLW. It seemed like there were parallels with our stories and I have loved following her posts. Here are her questions:

1) If there were one word you could choose out of the dictionary, which one would you choose to best describe yourself?
Stubborn. I have a hard time giving in and giving up.
2)What’s your biggest pet peeve?
I have a lot. But I have a lot of them dealing with basic grammar. That could be because I am an English teacher but I hate when "your" and "you're" are mixed up.
3)Throughout your journeys, what would you say is the most important lesson you’ve learned thus far?
To trust God's plan for me. There is very little I can actually do about our situation. I just have to wait to see how our life pans out.
4)What’s your favorite childhood memory?
I had a great childhood! I would say one of my favorite memories were Sunday dinners with the whole family, including my Nana who is no longer with us.
5)What’s your biggest regret?
No regrets. They have made me who I am...even the really stupid things I have done.
6)If there were anything about your life experiences you could change, what would they be and why?
Hmmm...I do wish that we weren't going through this infertility battle. I wish that we got to have a baby and family the way that most people do.
7) Tell us something quirky about you.
I hate the outdoors. I don't do lake water, bugs, trees, smelling like outside, etc. No hiking, no float trips, no mud. I am rather girly in that area of life.
8)What’s your favorite dish/meal?
It will always be my mother's mostaccioli with meat sauce, garlic bread, and salad. It has been since I was a kid and it still is. She is an amazing cook!
9)Who or what’s been your biggest influence throughout life?
My mom. She really is an amazing lady, awesome mom, and even greater friend. She has helped me (along with my dad) through everything. She is my biggest cheerleader through it all.
10) Do you have a bucket list? If so, what’s the most ridiculous thing to do on it?
See my answer above. No bucket list...I always meant to make one.
 11)What do you do for a living?
I teach 6th & 7th grade English. Love it!



 

 

 

 

Now for my Liebster nominations: (Check out all of their blogs!)

 

An Engineer Becomes a Mom

Dreaming of Dimples

Country Roots in the City

HIS plan, Our journey

Sometimes...

Bake One Buy One

From Petri Dish to Pregnancy

I am the 15%

A Road Well Traveled

Our Pathway to Parenthood

The Empty Uterus

 

Now, lastly, my list of eleven questions...I stole from some of the ones above too!

 

1. How do you deal with stress?

2. What is your dream vacation?

3. If you were a pickle in a jar, where would you be and why?

4. Who has been the biggest influence in your life?

5. What is your biggest pet peeve?

6. If you could be a crayon color, what would you be?

7. Do you have any pets? If no, why not?

8. What is your favorite holiday?

9. If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Why?

10. What do you like to do in your spare time?

11. What do you do for a living?

 

Yay for our Liebster Award! Happy answering and don't forget to pass it on!

 

-Lisa-

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 



Decision Made! (Part 1)

So, I hope to write more later this week after figuring out specifics. But we have collected all "directions" for adoption through Christian Family Services. We have decided that adoption seems right for us. Even if we happen to be fortunate enough to have our own children, we still would like to adopt someday. As we look it all over and figure out funds, I felt like we could do SOMETHING as far as treatment.

With my horrible experience with IVF in June, IVF is out.

I never responded well to Clomid. So Clomid is out.

These supplements (Read about the supplements here) that we are both taking are obviously not working. Or they aren't working as quickly as we would have hoped. I am still not ovulating every month which is an issue when trying to get pregnant!

So...we are hopefully going to do an IUI (Intra-uterine insemination) cycle soon.

I am hoping I can get in to see Dr. Kim next week and get the ball rolling. He is out of the office until Monday. I know they will switch up my meds from last IUI because Ovidril is not my friend! It caused the OHSS and Dr. Kim said that he will not use that med again with me. I still have some Follistim left over from the IVF cycle so that will save some money too.

Onward and forward we march! Who knows if we are making the right decisions...but whoever knows?! We are both happy with our decision and so is our bank account! (IUI is about $13,000 less than IVF)

-Lisa-

Can We Pretend it is Monday? Video Blog

It is safe to hide behind the computer where no one can hear or see me. I become extremely vulnerable when asked to not only bear my feelings but now to give you all a face to attach to my ramblings. So thanks to Stupid Stork for creating this video blog challenge. If you want to read more about it and visit other ladies participating click here. I am stepping out of my comfort zone. We are supposed to post our videos on Monday...but I can't wait and am super busy tomorrow.

I should have spruced myself up for the video but did not. My hair is still wet from the shower. My face is jacked up because I had an allergic reaction to face cream. I am just a mess. I promise I normally look a little better than I do in this video. Just a little.

So enjoy! And be nice about how I look! I can't wait to SEE and HEAR you other girls participating in the video challenge.

 

 

 

 

 

-Lisa-



Welcome all from IComLeavWe!

This is now my SECOND time participating in ICLW. I am more excited now because I know what it is and how great it is to meet and follow so many fellow infertiles. Here is our basic breakdown:
TTC since June 2009
Tried Clomid for 6 months...miscarriage
IUI...miscarriage
IVF...started all meds, nothing went right...I was cancelled, then back on, then cancelled the night before retrieval
OHSS...got it with IVF attempt so badly that I was in hospital and laid up for a few weeks
Now...we wait. Our funds are gone, our optimism has taken a blow, we are scared, all the while still wanting a baby in our arms. I wish we looked more like this "Ideal Infertile Couple"

 

 

 

 

I have been bad about posting regularly lately because life has gotten in the way of my blog! I can't wait to meet all of you via blogs. Peruse my blog please. I just started the blog in January and it has become so therapeutic to write down my rants, sadness, and joys.

 

-Lisa-

"It Isn't Fair"

Hello blog community! Again, I have been super busy and have neglected the blog. I am going to try to do better but life has got in the way. See updates at the end of the post to see what I have been up to.

---------------------------------------------

Ok. So here was a real life conversation I overheard in the crowded hallways of Raytown South Middle School today.

Students #1: I cannot believe that we have to do that assignment. It is too hard and it is due tomorrow!

Student #2: I know. It isn't fair. But sometimes life isn't fair, you know?

Student #1: Yep. Life sucks. Oh, well.

(At this point, I am giggling to myself.)

I don't think they realized I was listening to their pre-teen worries. If I could have commented, I would have said, "Oh, you guys have no idea how unfair life really is."

I remember my parents always responding with "Life isn't fair" when I complained about how unfair their rules were. Boy, were they right!

We (including my infertile bloggers) spend thousands of dollars on a baby that teenage drug addicts (okay, an exaggeration) get on accident. We can afford the family...they cannot. We WANT the baby...so many do not. It isn't fair.

I work my BUTT off at work while others do not and make MORE than me! It isn't fair.

I have to diet and exercise to lose weight while others can eat McDonald's everyday and not gain a pound! It isn't fair.

(I could go on and on and on, but then I would forget to make a point.)

And I do have a point.

Although life is unfair in so many aspects. Life is SO great too. I am blessed (something beyond just 'fair') to have my husband, family, friends, co-workers, and my faith in God. I am blessed in so many areas of life. I often wonder if I would have cracked a long time ago without the sanity that those individuals bring me. So, yeah, life sucks sometimes. But I also realize that life is pretty awesome too. I know that this infertility chapter will come to an end at some point and then life will suck just a little less. ;)

UPDATES:
Ok. So I did have a part-time job opportunity at Sylvan Learning Centers. But then realized that I have NO TIME in my life for a part-time job. My full time job has been keeping me plenty of busy and stressed on its own. I was getting the job to pay off our medical bills from the OHSS and IVF this summer, but the bills will still be there whether I get another job or not.

My class reunion was AWESOME! It went off without a hitch and I was so grateful to get to spend that time with all of them.


I love this pic from reunion and my friend in it!

No words for my expression...

Our Class

I have (technically) met my weight loss goal! I have lost 51 pounds!!!!!! What?! I know. It is crazy to think that back in January I was 51 pounds heavier. I went from a size 14 to a size 6 and even sometimes a 4! Craziness, I tell you. Now that I am (technically) at my goal, I changed my goal to 5 more pounds. And then I might change it again. I am hoping that the weight loss will help with our infertility but even if it doesn't...I feel awesome! I have more confidence and tons more energy!

Jeremy and I still have no idea what to do as far as having babies. We were going to wait for May and do another IVF so we have our debt from the last one paid down. But now...we are thinking of adoption paperwork. While getting adoption paperwork together, we may throw in a few IUIs while we wait. Who knows! These are just random thoughts/conversations that we have been having recently. I do think that we are hesitating on doing IVF again. I am scared. I was SO sick with OHSS and I don't want to go back to that point again. It was the worst time ever! Remember it here: OHSS aftermath and here: OHSS!! So we are unsure of where to go from here...but it will be an adventure either way.

-Lisa-

Feeling Nostalgic

My 10 year high school reunion is TONIGHT! I think I would be looking forward to it more if I wasn't on the planning committee. I am going to be so glad when it is over so I don't have to worry about it anymore!

This was me back in 2002:

Can we just talk about this picture for a minute? First of all, why am I wearing an over sized Old Navy T-shirt? I was skinny, but thought I was fat. I wish I could be that fat now! Why did I wear my boyfriend's class ring around my neck? So I was claimed by him? Just crazy.

I went to a small high school in a small town 30 miles south of Kansas City. I would never take back growing up there but I will never go back. Many of my friends said that too but they are gradually moving back to raise their families in good ole Pleasant Hill. Key word: families. Since my family consists of Jeremy, our cat Lola, and our dogger Bella, I don't think our furbabies need to be raised in PHill.

I graduated with 126 other people. All different, but somehow all the same. Our class wasn't diverse. We all had similar family situations and for the most part all looked the same.

However, without that experience of a small town, I wouldn't have lived my life the way that I have. I wouldn't have the AMAZING group of friends that I do. We have all known each other for most of our lives and still are close. Now our husbands are friends. It is so great!

So, I am excited to see everyone tonight. I know I will have a great time catching up with people I haven't seen in over a decade.

-Lisa-

Ramblings of an AF mind

I am swamped at work. It seems like I am always playing catch-up. I am barely keeping my head above water (or above the pile of grading!). So...I haven't been posting on a regular basis.

I did want to share some updates and some crazy ramblings.

First, Aunt Flow showed up yesterday. At this point, I am so used to seeing her. I wish she would take a 9 month or so vacation! I feel that September was another wasted month. Obviously, the supplements are working. Obviously, my body isn't working. Obviously, IT SUCKS!

Second, we started a small group Bible study with seven other people from our new church. It was awesome! I am excited to get to know them. I am wondering when we should tell the rest of the group about our infertility. Or do we? I know that it will naturally come up. We are using the study called GodQuest. It is all about figuring out what we need from God and what God needs from us. So I am sure we will eventually share that part of our life.

Third, the sermon yesterday at church was on Hannah. I cried through some parts. No one knew because we had church in the park and I had my sunglasses on. I love that Jeremy knew and just gently caressed my back with his hand. I love that man!

Fourth, I have been feeling so gosh-darn frustrated lately. I know part of that has to deal with Aunt Flow. But the truth is...I am so sick of waiting for a baby! I am growing more and more impatient. I can't decide if we do another IVF or adoption. I just want a freaking baby already!

I am hoping to have a "real" post that isn't filled with hormone-raging rants or rambling updates later this week. So look for that!

-Lisa-

What Scares You?

"What really scares you?"

I ask my sixth and seventh graders to answer this in a writing prompt every year. However, I never really have thought about my answers. Yes, I have the blanket responses that nearly every person has for this question. But I am going to try and push myself. So...what am I scared of...

1. Bugs. Mainly grasshoppers. I love running on this shady trail in the woods. However, grasshoppers the size of my palm jump straight into me which scares the crap out of me. I have literally made a fool of myself by jumping out of their path while other runners look on in bewilderment.

2. Losing. I don't just mean in a game of Monopoly...although I really hate losing. I mean losing people. Some of the hardest times in my life have been saying goodbye. I have lost friendships, relationships, and loved ones. All of them have sucked...big time! I am terrified of losing anyone else that I love dearly.

3. Bad decisions. I am so worried that I am going to make the wrong decision in the course of life. I am constantly wondering about the what-ifs and the should-haves. That one bad decision could turn my life or someone else's life upside down.

4. Disappointment. Just like when I was a child...I hate to disappoint. I still worry about disappointing people. I hated when my parents didn't yell at me...it was so much worse to hear "I am just disappointed." I even try to pull that with my middle school students but I don't think they mind too much! I don't want to disappoint Jeremy, my friends, my family, my boss, and most importantly...GOD! I have a feeling I do disappoint all of these at some point...but it still scares me a bit.

5. Future. The future is a scary territory. I don't know what is coming around the next turn. That's scary. I need a script and directions. Too bad God didn't want it to be that way!

I am sure there are more that I could add but here is my biggest fear of the moment:

6. Childless. I have this underlying, eat-at-you, never goes away, horrible fear of never having children. I have a fear that I will never experience that unconditional love between a mother and child. It is scary to think that my life will never involve soccer practices, birthday parties, diapers, baby smell, graduations, first days of school, toys littering our house, sweet precious baby clothes...I could go on and on...I often try and wonder how Jeremy and I will cope if we never have children. And the truth is I don't think we can. It will be the most heartbreaking, unfixable problem of our lives. For now, we struggle with IF...but what happens when nothing works? What happens when our funds are gone and we can't adopt? What happens? It is by far the most scary thing!

So...what really scares you?

-Lisa-

My first ICLW!! YAY!

This is my first experience with IComLeavWe (ICLW). I am so excited to participate and meet all different women/men going through infertility.

I am Lisa. I am 28 and my husband, Jeremy, is 31. We have been married for four years and trying to conceive for three years. We are an unexplained infertility case. I ovulate. He has high counts. We have tried Clomid, IUI, and our last IVF was cancelled the day before our retrieval. With that cancelled IVF, I had moderate OHSS which was pure HELL! We have survived but still wounded from three miscarriages. Now...we are on a break. We will pick back up again with treatments in May. I am a teacher and I can't see myself going through all of that again while I am still trying to teach middle schoolers. Those poor kids wouldn't know what hit 'em!

Browse around and check back on old posts too. I just started blogging in December of 2011 so I am fairly new to all of this. I try to stay as upbeat as possible because it helps me focus my negativity into a more positive way. Enjoy and welcome! Yay for ICLW!!!

The heartbraking end to our IVF is right here

How are we moving on is right here

Starting to heal is right here




-Lisa-

Kardashians in my Blog Post...I know, I know!

Let me start by saying...I can't stand the Kardashians. Not for any real reason...besides that they annoy me. They are rich, famous and for what? Well, I know why Kim became famous, but let's add that to the list of reasons why they get on my nerves.

With that said...I saw an advertisement/teaser for the season finale and found myself setting the DVR, so I could see what it was all about. Khloe and Lamar Odom faced infertility issues. And the lovely, Kim, used injectibles to prepare to freeze her eggs.

Although a pretty unrealistic view of infertility...at least it is out there! It was somewhat refreshing to see the "rich and famous" undergoing the trials that we, normal infertility people, face everyday.

Khloe dealt with the sadness, grief, unfairness, and downright suckiness of not ovulating. She underwent HSG and learned about all of the fertility meds that she will inject in her body. She was just as terrified and sad as I was. Khloe and Lamar had an amazing conversation where Khloe tried to get Lamar to see what was needed to have a child. It was like watching Jeremy and I have the same conversation over three years ago now.

Kim dealt with having to inject herself with her first hormone shot. I was also happy to know that I am not the only one that freaked out over this task. That first shot was so nerve-racking. It was apparent that Kim was freaked as well!

All the while, Kourtney Kardashian gave birth to her second child. Again, another real situation that we infertile must face. It is guaranteed that a friend, sister, cousin, co-worker, etc. will be pregnant during our journey to have our own. Khloe handled herself with dignity and class. You know that her heart was breaking that it wasn't her having a baby.

So, I swear that this is my last Kardashian post! I can't even believe that I dedicated an entire post to Keeping Up with the Kardashians...geez! But it is worth a view just to see that, although over dramatized, the issues that faced them in this last episode are very real. I won't be an avid Kardashian watcher now, but great episode.

-Lisa-

Mr. Bigglesworth

I have a list of things that I never expected with fertility treatments.

1. That sometimes they don't work...duh!
2. Giving yourself shots is not the worst thing in the world.
3. You cannot control emotions even when you try really hard not to be crazy.
4. You can get really sick and it sucks!
5. YOU CAN LOSE YOUR FREAKING HAIR!!!!!!!!


I have mourned and dealt with #1-4. But that #5 is really ticking me off. We finished IVF drugs and treatment at the start of July. My OHSS has been gone since the middle of July.

So why is my hair still falling out?!

I know that the hormone treatments cause hair loss. However, I am going on three months since the treatments and my hair is still falling out. It is quite significant. Although, it is not coming out in chunks...my hair is falling out by the bushel. (To be honest, I don't know what that means but it seemed to fit.)

My sister (the expert in everything hair) told me that biotin or B-12 supplements could help slow the process. So I have been popping the max limit of B-12 vitamins everyday. Still...hair is falling out. I am hoping I don't end up looking like Mr. Bigglesworth.

 

 

But, seriously, I am to the extremely concerned, starting to panic, worried about it never stopping, going to freak out state of mind. I know Jeremy is sick of finding my hair in everything. I am shedding like a dog EVERYWHERE. I can't even wear my hair down because it creates issues. If someone has any useful tips besides the biotin B-12, let me know please! And hopefully I am not the only IVFer losing my mind over losing my hair.

 

 

-Lisa-

Adoption? Eh?

Jeremy and I are often confronted with other people's views of our little "situation." They mean well. At least I like to think that they mean well. They have advice (although we are aware of how to make a baby), they have diets, they make attempts to help us/guide us. But truth be told...it only comes across as pity/belittling and just down right ticks us off!!

"Oh, really? You had problems getting pregnant too? Only 1 month of Clomid, huh? Wow!"

I really want to JUDGE THEM and tell them that one month on Clomid is hardly infertility! But I don't. I keep those judgmental and harsh opinions to myself.

But in all honesty...we know our family and friends mean well. It's the strangers that irk me. I just met you...I don't want to know how you got pregnant and who you saw. Can you imagine the insanity if everyone just talked to strangers about the way they conceived their children? And the audacity of asking others how they conceived their children?

As crazy as those conversations sound...they really happen. Infertility has made this OK. And is it a double standard that I find it socially acceptable for my IF bloggers to give me advice but I refuse to listen to a single word from the 1 month on Clomid gal? Probably. I am bitter.

"Deal with it, Clomid girl. Try spending $14,000 and giving yourself a bazillion shots!" (For the record, I am NOT this mean. I would never discount others "struggles" even though I see one month as a minor hiccup in the world of IF. It is my bitter opinion. Good for them! I wish it was over for us in months, instead of three years.)

[I feel like I need to stop this rant here and really start writing what I wanted to write today.]

One of the many pieces of advice that people offer to us is the idea of adoption. Adoption is a fabulous thing. I am so glad that there are women brave enough to realize that they cannot give their baby the best life. Those women (and men) should be honored. Their unselfish reasoning leads to so many childless couples completing their families. God bless them!

I often ask friends who have adopted how they came to that decision. How will we know if that is the avenue we take? I can tell you that we aren't there yet. Yes, it is a viable option for us possibly down the road. Right now...we are still wanting our own child. I don't want to be made to feel guilty about that. So many couples don't ever HAVE to make that decision because they have babies that carry their DNA. Jeremy and I are not ready to give up our dream of having our own babies. However, who is to say the plan God has for us? If we come to that bridge, we have no problem crossing it.

We know that the adoption decision is a big one. We don't want to feel pressured into adoption just because we can't have kids. We want to choose adoption because we want to adopt. Right now, neither of us wants to adopt. Give us a few months...we may change our minds. We change our minds often. Heck, we didn't want to do IVF...but we tried...look where that got us?!

So for now...we are not considering adoption and going to continue down this fertility treatment/au natural road. We are still "breaking it up" until May but deep in our hearts praying that this natural supplement route works the best for us.

Also, I didn't mean to discourage advice. We really do know that all of you are supportive...yes, even the strangers that offer their unnecessary advice. We know that everyone means well. Infertility makes me more sensitive than normal...which occasionally makes me accidentally offend others with my brash rants (like this one). Believe me...it is just a rant...

-Lisa-

"Our Movie" in progress...

I am working on creating an infertility bio video. I have seen so many and I want to tell our story through that avenue. So I am working on it. I can't pick between two songs...so I may just add them both to the video. Here are the songs I am torn between (both upbeat a bit because I don't want it to be sad!).

Steven Curtis Chapman "Long Way Home"

Brandi Carlisle "The Story"