Decision Made! (Part 1)

So, I hope to write more later this week after figuring out specifics. But we have collected all "directions" for adoption through Christian Family Services. We have decided that adoption seems right for us. Even if we happen to be fortunate enough to have our own children, we still would like to adopt someday. As we look it all over and figure out funds, I felt like we could do SOMETHING as far as treatment.

With my horrible experience with IVF in June, IVF is out.

I never responded well to Clomid. So Clomid is out.

These supplements (Read about the supplements here) that we are both taking are obviously not working. Or they aren't working as quickly as we would have hoped. I am still not ovulating every month which is an issue when trying to get pregnant!

So...we are hopefully going to do an IUI (Intra-uterine insemination) cycle soon.

I am hoping I can get in to see Dr. Kim next week and get the ball rolling. He is out of the office until Monday. I know they will switch up my meds from last IUI because Ovidril is not my friend! It caused the OHSS and Dr. Kim said that he will not use that med again with me. I still have some Follistim left over from the IVF cycle so that will save some money too.

Onward and forward we march! Who knows if we are making the right decisions...but whoever knows?! We are both happy with our decision and so is our bank account! (IUI is about $13,000 less than IVF)

-Lisa-

Can We Pretend it is Monday? Video Blog

It is safe to hide behind the computer where no one can hear or see me. I become extremely vulnerable when asked to not only bear my feelings but now to give you all a face to attach to my ramblings. So thanks to Stupid Stork for creating this video blog challenge. If you want to read more about it and visit other ladies participating click here. I am stepping out of my comfort zone. We are supposed to post our videos on Monday...but I can't wait and am super busy tomorrow.

I should have spruced myself up for the video but did not. My hair is still wet from the shower. My face is jacked up because I had an allergic reaction to face cream. I am just a mess. I promise I normally look a little better than I do in this video. Just a little.

So enjoy! And be nice about how I look! I can't wait to SEE and HEAR you other girls participating in the video challenge.

 

 

 

 

 

-Lisa-



Welcome all from IComLeavWe!

This is now my SECOND time participating in ICLW. I am more excited now because I know what it is and how great it is to meet and follow so many fellow infertiles. Here is our basic breakdown:
TTC since June 2009
Tried Clomid for 6 months...miscarriage
IUI...miscarriage
IVF...started all meds, nothing went right...I was cancelled, then back on, then cancelled the night before retrieval
OHSS...got it with IVF attempt so badly that I was in hospital and laid up for a few weeks
Now...we wait. Our funds are gone, our optimism has taken a blow, we are scared, all the while still wanting a baby in our arms. I wish we looked more like this "Ideal Infertile Couple"

 

 

 

 

I have been bad about posting regularly lately because life has gotten in the way of my blog! I can't wait to meet all of you via blogs. Peruse my blog please. I just started the blog in January and it has become so therapeutic to write down my rants, sadness, and joys.

 

-Lisa-

"It Isn't Fair"

Hello blog community! Again, I have been super busy and have neglected the blog. I am going to try to do better but life has got in the way. See updates at the end of the post to see what I have been up to.

---------------------------------------------

Ok. So here was a real life conversation I overheard in the crowded hallways of Raytown South Middle School today.

Students #1: I cannot believe that we have to do that assignment. It is too hard and it is due tomorrow!

Student #2: I know. It isn't fair. But sometimes life isn't fair, you know?

Student #1: Yep. Life sucks. Oh, well.

(At this point, I am giggling to myself.)

I don't think they realized I was listening to their pre-teen worries. If I could have commented, I would have said, "Oh, you guys have no idea how unfair life really is."

I remember my parents always responding with "Life isn't fair" when I complained about how unfair their rules were. Boy, were they right!

We (including my infertile bloggers) spend thousands of dollars on a baby that teenage drug addicts (okay, an exaggeration) get on accident. We can afford the family...they cannot. We WANT the baby...so many do not. It isn't fair.

I work my BUTT off at work while others do not and make MORE than me! It isn't fair.

I have to diet and exercise to lose weight while others can eat McDonald's everyday and not gain a pound! It isn't fair.

(I could go on and on and on, but then I would forget to make a point.)

And I do have a point.

Although life is unfair in so many aspects. Life is SO great too. I am blessed (something beyond just 'fair') to have my husband, family, friends, co-workers, and my faith in God. I am blessed in so many areas of life. I often wonder if I would have cracked a long time ago without the sanity that those individuals bring me. So, yeah, life sucks sometimes. But I also realize that life is pretty awesome too. I know that this infertility chapter will come to an end at some point and then life will suck just a little less. ;)

UPDATES:
Ok. So I did have a part-time job opportunity at Sylvan Learning Centers. But then realized that I have NO TIME in my life for a part-time job. My full time job has been keeping me plenty of busy and stressed on its own. I was getting the job to pay off our medical bills from the OHSS and IVF this summer, but the bills will still be there whether I get another job or not.

My class reunion was AWESOME! It went off without a hitch and I was so grateful to get to spend that time with all of them.


I love this pic from reunion and my friend in it!

No words for my expression...

Our Class

I have (technically) met my weight loss goal! I have lost 51 pounds!!!!!! What?! I know. It is crazy to think that back in January I was 51 pounds heavier. I went from a size 14 to a size 6 and even sometimes a 4! Craziness, I tell you. Now that I am (technically) at my goal, I changed my goal to 5 more pounds. And then I might change it again. I am hoping that the weight loss will help with our infertility but even if it doesn't...I feel awesome! I have more confidence and tons more energy!

Jeremy and I still have no idea what to do as far as having babies. We were going to wait for May and do another IVF so we have our debt from the last one paid down. But now...we are thinking of adoption paperwork. While getting adoption paperwork together, we may throw in a few IUIs while we wait. Who knows! These are just random thoughts/conversations that we have been having recently. I do think that we are hesitating on doing IVF again. I am scared. I was SO sick with OHSS and I don't want to go back to that point again. It was the worst time ever! Remember it here: OHSS aftermath and here: OHSS!! So we are unsure of where to go from here...but it will be an adventure either way.

-Lisa-

Feeling Nostalgic

My 10 year high school reunion is TONIGHT! I think I would be looking forward to it more if I wasn't on the planning committee. I am going to be so glad when it is over so I don't have to worry about it anymore!

This was me back in 2002:

Can we just talk about this picture for a minute? First of all, why am I wearing an over sized Old Navy T-shirt? I was skinny, but thought I was fat. I wish I could be that fat now! Why did I wear my boyfriend's class ring around my neck? So I was claimed by him? Just crazy.

I went to a small high school in a small town 30 miles south of Kansas City. I would never take back growing up there but I will never go back. Many of my friends said that too but they are gradually moving back to raise their families in good ole Pleasant Hill. Key word: families. Since my family consists of Jeremy, our cat Lola, and our dogger Bella, I don't think our furbabies need to be raised in PHill.

I graduated with 126 other people. All different, but somehow all the same. Our class wasn't diverse. We all had similar family situations and for the most part all looked the same.

However, without that experience of a small town, I wouldn't have lived my life the way that I have. I wouldn't have the AMAZING group of friends that I do. We have all known each other for most of our lives and still are close. Now our husbands are friends. It is so great!

So, I am excited to see everyone tonight. I know I will have a great time catching up with people I haven't seen in over a decade.

-Lisa-

Ramblings of an AF mind

I am swamped at work. It seems like I am always playing catch-up. I am barely keeping my head above water (or above the pile of grading!). So...I haven't been posting on a regular basis.

I did want to share some updates and some crazy ramblings.

First, Aunt Flow showed up yesterday. At this point, I am so used to seeing her. I wish she would take a 9 month or so vacation! I feel that September was another wasted month. Obviously, the supplements are working. Obviously, my body isn't working. Obviously, IT SUCKS!

Second, we started a small group Bible study with seven other people from our new church. It was awesome! I am excited to get to know them. I am wondering when we should tell the rest of the group about our infertility. Or do we? I know that it will naturally come up. We are using the study called GodQuest. It is all about figuring out what we need from God and what God needs from us. So I am sure we will eventually share that part of our life.

Third, the sermon yesterday at church was on Hannah. I cried through some parts. No one knew because we had church in the park and I had my sunglasses on. I love that Jeremy knew and just gently caressed my back with his hand. I love that man!

Fourth, I have been feeling so gosh-darn frustrated lately. I know part of that has to deal with Aunt Flow. But the truth is...I am so sick of waiting for a baby! I am growing more and more impatient. I can't decide if we do another IVF or adoption. I just want a freaking baby already!

I am hoping to have a "real" post that isn't filled with hormone-raging rants or rambling updates later this week. So look for that!

-Lisa-

What Scares You?

"What really scares you?"

I ask my sixth and seventh graders to answer this in a writing prompt every year. However, I never really have thought about my answers. Yes, I have the blanket responses that nearly every person has for this question. But I am going to try and push myself. So...what am I scared of...

1. Bugs. Mainly grasshoppers. I love running on this shady trail in the woods. However, grasshoppers the size of my palm jump straight into me which scares the crap out of me. I have literally made a fool of myself by jumping out of their path while other runners look on in bewilderment.

2. Losing. I don't just mean in a game of Monopoly...although I really hate losing. I mean losing people. Some of the hardest times in my life have been saying goodbye. I have lost friendships, relationships, and loved ones. All of them have sucked...big time! I am terrified of losing anyone else that I love dearly.

3. Bad decisions. I am so worried that I am going to make the wrong decision in the course of life. I am constantly wondering about the what-ifs and the should-haves. That one bad decision could turn my life or someone else's life upside down.

4. Disappointment. Just like when I was a child...I hate to disappoint. I still worry about disappointing people. I hated when my parents didn't yell at me...it was so much worse to hear "I am just disappointed." I even try to pull that with my middle school students but I don't think they mind too much! I don't want to disappoint Jeremy, my friends, my family, my boss, and most importantly...GOD! I have a feeling I do disappoint all of these at some point...but it still scares me a bit.

5. Future. The future is a scary territory. I don't know what is coming around the next turn. That's scary. I need a script and directions. Too bad God didn't want it to be that way!

I am sure there are more that I could add but here is my biggest fear of the moment:

6. Childless. I have this underlying, eat-at-you, never goes away, horrible fear of never having children. I have a fear that I will never experience that unconditional love between a mother and child. It is scary to think that my life will never involve soccer practices, birthday parties, diapers, baby smell, graduations, first days of school, toys littering our house, sweet precious baby clothes...I could go on and on...I often try and wonder how Jeremy and I will cope if we never have children. And the truth is I don't think we can. It will be the most heartbreaking, unfixable problem of our lives. For now, we struggle with IF...but what happens when nothing works? What happens when our funds are gone and we can't adopt? What happens? It is by far the most scary thing!

So...what really scares you?

-Lisa-

My first ICLW!! YAY!

This is my first experience with IComLeavWe (ICLW). I am so excited to participate and meet all different women/men going through infertility.

I am Lisa. I am 28 and my husband, Jeremy, is 31. We have been married for four years and trying to conceive for three years. We are an unexplained infertility case. I ovulate. He has high counts. We have tried Clomid, IUI, and our last IVF was cancelled the day before our retrieval. With that cancelled IVF, I had moderate OHSS which was pure HELL! We have survived but still wounded from three miscarriages. Now...we are on a break. We will pick back up again with treatments in May. I am a teacher and I can't see myself going through all of that again while I am still trying to teach middle schoolers. Those poor kids wouldn't know what hit 'em!

Browse around and check back on old posts too. I just started blogging in December of 2011 so I am fairly new to all of this. I try to stay as upbeat as possible because it helps me focus my negativity into a more positive way. Enjoy and welcome! Yay for ICLW!!!

The heartbraking end to our IVF is right here

How are we moving on is right here

Starting to heal is right here




-Lisa-

Kardashians in my Blog Post...I know, I know!

Let me start by saying...I can't stand the Kardashians. Not for any real reason...besides that they annoy me. They are rich, famous and for what? Well, I know why Kim became famous, but let's add that to the list of reasons why they get on my nerves.

With that said...I saw an advertisement/teaser for the season finale and found myself setting the DVR, so I could see what it was all about. Khloe and Lamar Odom faced infertility issues. And the lovely, Kim, used injectibles to prepare to freeze her eggs.

Although a pretty unrealistic view of infertility...at least it is out there! It was somewhat refreshing to see the "rich and famous" undergoing the trials that we, normal infertility people, face everyday.

Khloe dealt with the sadness, grief, unfairness, and downright suckiness of not ovulating. She underwent HSG and learned about all of the fertility meds that she will inject in her body. She was just as terrified and sad as I was. Khloe and Lamar had an amazing conversation where Khloe tried to get Lamar to see what was needed to have a child. It was like watching Jeremy and I have the same conversation over three years ago now.

Kim dealt with having to inject herself with her first hormone shot. I was also happy to know that I am not the only one that freaked out over this task. That first shot was so nerve-racking. It was apparent that Kim was freaked as well!

All the while, Kourtney Kardashian gave birth to her second child. Again, another real situation that we infertile must face. It is guaranteed that a friend, sister, cousin, co-worker, etc. will be pregnant during our journey to have our own. Khloe handled herself with dignity and class. You know that her heart was breaking that it wasn't her having a baby.

So, I swear that this is my last Kardashian post! I can't even believe that I dedicated an entire post to Keeping Up with the Kardashians...geez! But it is worth a view just to see that, although over dramatized, the issues that faced them in this last episode are very real. I won't be an avid Kardashian watcher now, but great episode.

-Lisa-

Mr. Bigglesworth

I have a list of things that I never expected with fertility treatments.

1. That sometimes they don't work...duh!
2. Giving yourself shots is not the worst thing in the world.
3. You cannot control emotions even when you try really hard not to be crazy.
4. You can get really sick and it sucks!
5. YOU CAN LOSE YOUR FREAKING HAIR!!!!!!!!


I have mourned and dealt with #1-4. But that #5 is really ticking me off. We finished IVF drugs and treatment at the start of July. My OHSS has been gone since the middle of July.

So why is my hair still falling out?!

I know that the hormone treatments cause hair loss. However, I am going on three months since the treatments and my hair is still falling out. It is quite significant. Although, it is not coming out in chunks...my hair is falling out by the bushel. (To be honest, I don't know what that means but it seemed to fit.)

My sister (the expert in everything hair) told me that biotin or B-12 supplements could help slow the process. So I have been popping the max limit of B-12 vitamins everyday. Still...hair is falling out. I am hoping I don't end up looking like Mr. Bigglesworth.

 

 

But, seriously, I am to the extremely concerned, starting to panic, worried about it never stopping, going to freak out state of mind. I know Jeremy is sick of finding my hair in everything. I am shedding like a dog EVERYWHERE. I can't even wear my hair down because it creates issues. If someone has any useful tips besides the biotin B-12, let me know please! And hopefully I am not the only IVFer losing my mind over losing my hair.

 

 

-Lisa-

Adoption? Eh?

Jeremy and I are often confronted with other people's views of our little "situation." They mean well. At least I like to think that they mean well. They have advice (although we are aware of how to make a baby), they have diets, they make attempts to help us/guide us. But truth be told...it only comes across as pity/belittling and just down right ticks us off!!

"Oh, really? You had problems getting pregnant too? Only 1 month of Clomid, huh? Wow!"

I really want to JUDGE THEM and tell them that one month on Clomid is hardly infertility! But I don't. I keep those judgmental and harsh opinions to myself.

But in all honesty...we know our family and friends mean well. It's the strangers that irk me. I just met you...I don't want to know how you got pregnant and who you saw. Can you imagine the insanity if everyone just talked to strangers about the way they conceived their children? And the audacity of asking others how they conceived their children?

As crazy as those conversations sound...they really happen. Infertility has made this OK. And is it a double standard that I find it socially acceptable for my IF bloggers to give me advice but I refuse to listen to a single word from the 1 month on Clomid gal? Probably. I am bitter.

"Deal with it, Clomid girl. Try spending $14,000 and giving yourself a bazillion shots!" (For the record, I am NOT this mean. I would never discount others "struggles" even though I see one month as a minor hiccup in the world of IF. It is my bitter opinion. Good for them! I wish it was over for us in months, instead of three years.)

[I feel like I need to stop this rant here and really start writing what I wanted to write today.]

One of the many pieces of advice that people offer to us is the idea of adoption. Adoption is a fabulous thing. I am so glad that there are women brave enough to realize that they cannot give their baby the best life. Those women (and men) should be honored. Their unselfish reasoning leads to so many childless couples completing their families. God bless them!

I often ask friends who have adopted how they came to that decision. How will we know if that is the avenue we take? I can tell you that we aren't there yet. Yes, it is a viable option for us possibly down the road. Right now...we are still wanting our own child. I don't want to be made to feel guilty about that. So many couples don't ever HAVE to make that decision because they have babies that carry their DNA. Jeremy and I are not ready to give up our dream of having our own babies. However, who is to say the plan God has for us? If we come to that bridge, we have no problem crossing it.

We know that the adoption decision is a big one. We don't want to feel pressured into adoption just because we can't have kids. We want to choose adoption because we want to adopt. Right now, neither of us wants to adopt. Give us a few months...we may change our minds. We change our minds often. Heck, we didn't want to do IVF...but we tried...look where that got us?!

So for now...we are not considering adoption and going to continue down this fertility treatment/au natural road. We are still "breaking it up" until May but deep in our hearts praying that this natural supplement route works the best for us.

Also, I didn't mean to discourage advice. We really do know that all of you are supportive...yes, even the strangers that offer their unnecessary advice. We know that everyone means well. Infertility makes me more sensitive than normal...which occasionally makes me accidentally offend others with my brash rants (like this one). Believe me...it is just a rant...

-Lisa-

"Our Movie" in progress...

I am working on creating an infertility bio video. I have seen so many and I want to tell our story through that avenue. So I am working on it. I can't pick between two songs...so I may just add them both to the video. Here are the songs I am torn between (both upbeat a bit because I don't want it to be sad!).

Steven Curtis Chapman "Long Way Home"

Brandi Carlisle "The Story"

Forgiveness

I have always believed that forgiveness is HUGE when trying to walk the Christian path. But it is SO hard to do.

It is so easy for me to harbor those feelings of jealousy, envy, anger, revenge, etc. towards others. I, as a woman, NEVER forget the horrible things that are said or done. I can name specific phrases that were spoken to Jeremy and I when we didn't have children after a year of marriage. I can remember when and where I was when someone disrespected our family. I can remember the overwhelming sadness when a friend didn't say the right thing in addressing our infertility. Heck, I can remember word for word what Jeremy said two months ago that hurt my feelings. So I have quite the problem of letting go and forgiving. I know that holding onto all of those pent up frustrations and emotions is only hurting me. So I have been praying for the ability to forgive.

In my prayers on the way to school today, I realized that I haven't forgiven myself. When it hit me, I was brought to tears and nearly lost my breath. How have I held onto these hateful feelings? How have I held onto blame and fault? All dealing with me!

Maybe some of you won't understand these thoughts and that's good. However, many of us living with infertility, need to start the forgiveness process by first forgiving ourselves.

The truth is...I blame myself. It is MY stupid body that won't cooperate. It is MY fault that we had to waste thousands on IVF. It is MY responsibility that Jeremy is not a dad. If only I was better. If only I would have done this. If only I would have tried this. If only I had chosen a different doctor.

(Yep, those are real thoughts!)

So driving along this morning as I prayed for forgiveness...BAM! Lisa, how can you forgive others if you can't forgive yourself? Word.

Has anyone ever had the experience of forgiving yourself? Where do I start? What do I do? I worry that no matter what I do...I will always know that it is my fault. Even if I forgive myself...the underlying guilt and sadness of our infertility is always going to be there.

I think part of forgiving myself has to be a realization of our situation. It isn't going to change. We will always have infertility even if we get our family one day. It will always be there. We will always have these years spent in the unknowing realm of an infertile couple. So, I accept it. It is what it is. It sucks. But I accept it. All of it.

Now what? I am supposed to magically move on without guilt, blame, jealousy, and anger?

I want to forgive myself and allow myself to move on. It is a slow process as is forgiving others. So as I work through this muddy area of my life, I hope to learn how to forgive. God has shown such grace for me. If He can forgive my sins, it is the least that I can do to forgive others and to start forgiving myself.

As always, prayers are appreciated. I am using this fertility break to really get my mind and heart right with God. This is just one step of many more to come, I am sure.

-Lisa-

Four years and counting...

Jeremy and I are getting ready to celebrate our FOUR YEAR ANNIVERSARY! On Thursday, we will officially be married for four years. We celebrated our anniversary on Saturday and as part of our dinner conversation, we reflected on the last four years.

So in love...

Both of us thought back to 2008. We were just so happy to be married and start our family. We had such hope for our future together. Our lives weren't plagued with the idea of infertility. We didn't worry about hormone levels. We didn't take copious amounts of vitamins. We didn't have to worry about spending all of our money on a shot of having a child. We were just in love.

We have an everyday struggle with the idea that we have to buy our child instead of having a child naturally. Back then, we had no idea the obstacles we would face. However, we would not be as strong without going through infertility. We would not be as concerned for our faith and we wouldn't be as concerned with others without going through infertility. So although we wish we didn't have to suffer through this trial in our life...we know that it has changed us for the better.

We also realized that in the last four years...we have done A LOT! It is easy to just see INFERTILITY as our label. But truth be told, we have had a GREAT four years together as man and wife. So our anniversary dinner conversation didn't focus on "poor, childless us." Instead we reminisced about our amazing adventures we have been on.

We bought our house right before our wedding. We have gradually fixed it up to where the house is now our home.

Our humble abode
















The day we brought her home

We adopted our precious and adorable dog, Bella. She has filled our lives with joy. Really. She may be a dog but she is our baby. She has helped ease the pain of an empty cradle. We really do obsess over her and love her dearly.









We have had the ability to travel and see lots of different places. All not possible if we had children. A blessing for us.

San Diego 2009

Chicago 2009

Seattle 2010



South Dakota 2011

Los Angeles 2009

San Francisco 2009


 

Las Vegas 2012






So although the last four years have been bumpy. I do know that we are both looking forward to what is ahead in our future. We both firmly believe in God and God's plan for us. Wherever he leads us, we will follow. We know that there are many adventures for us in the next SIXTY years or so...we can't wait!

-Lisa-

Supplements, Supplements, Supplements

Here is a quick post about the vitamins/supplements that Jeremy and I are taking. We realize that these supplements are not a "quick fix" to our infertility issues. However, during our long break from treatments, it makes sense for us to try something so we can possibly conceive naturally. (Cross our fingers)

Jeremy's Vitamins

Okay. You will soon see how unfair the dosage is between Jeremy and myself.

 He only takes three vitamins a day. A regular multivitamin that we both take and have taken for a few years now. Just promotes overall health. He also takes two different types of FertilAid supplements. (I am unaware of how expensive these supplements are. We won a year's supply at an infertility conference.) The FertilAid for Men promotes sperm count and motility. It is developed to optimize sperm quality but also has complete vitamin and antioxidant support. He also takes Fertile Detox for women and men (I take this one as well). It is designed to support the body's detoxification system and protect against harmful contaminants. Toxins in the environment can affect menstrual cycle abnormalities and also sperm quality. So this supplements helps neutralize those toxins to promote reproductive health.

Lisa's Vitamins



More of Lisa's Vitamins
 

I take the same multivitamin as Jeremy. But I also take a prenatal vitamin. It is really important to make sure that you take a high level of Folic Acid even when trying to have children so it reduces the risk of premature births and also birth defects. I have been taking a prenatal vitamins for 4 years. I also take three different types of FertilAid supplements. (Again, we won a year's supply at a conference so I am not sure how much these actually cost.) FertilAid for women has a complete vitamin and antioxidant support. It is supposed to promote female hormonal balance and reproductive wellness. I take the same FertileDetox as Jeremy which neutralizes toxins. I also take Fertile CM which increases quantity and quality cervical mucus (sorry TMI). But many fertility issues have to do with this because insufficient fluid or hostile fluid inhibit the transport of sperm to the egg.

I also take three additional supplements that I got from GNC. Vitex is taken twice a day and is costs about $9 for 100 capsules. The Vitex fruit is used to provide balance in the women's cycle. It lengthens the luteal phase which allows for proper implanting of an embryo. Royal Jelly was about $16 for 30 capsules. It comes from worker bees and helps the hormone imbalance. It also promotes good egg growth and quality. DHEA is a hormone that all women and promotes estrogen  in women and testosterone in men.

I would love to hear of other supplements that my infertility bloggers are taking as well. I want to try anything and everything that we can to make the long wait worthwhile to us.

-Lisa-

Updates Galore

So what should I write about on the blog? We are not doing infertility treatments, so I struggle with how I keep the blog going through our seemingly long break.

Here is what has happened since last post: SCHOOL! Ugh! The school year is back and I am back to work. As much as I dread the early mornings and the actual "work" part, I am excited to meet new kids. Even on my worst days as a teacher, I really do love what I do.

One the fertility front: I started taking different supplements. I researched different herbs and vitamins. I now take about 14 pills a day and Jeremy takes 3 (not fair!). I take a few different supplements from FertilAid, Royal Bee Jelly, Vitex, DHEA, prenatal vitamin, and a multivitamin. I have even looked into doing acupuncture treatment. I figure we have done so many medical treatments and prescription drugs that it is time to try the natural/herbal route. Heck, we are taking a break from doctors so I might as well try my own treatments!

On the relationship front: I feel like I have said this a million times but Jeremy is an amazing husband. When I hear stories of husbands not sticking around when their wives can't give them children, it breaks my heart. Mainly because I know what it feels like to have that undying support no matter if I am pregnant or not. If anything, Jeremy has become a better husband in the last three years because we have suffered with infertility. I even think that I have become a better wife. Our four year anniversary is at the end of the month (post to come later about this), and it just makes me feel so blessed to have Jeremy as my partner on this whole infertility journey.

On the weight loss front: I am still working on it. I was bad this week and didn't run as much as I have been. School and prepping for the school year have knocked me on my butt! I have been so exhausted that I get home and don't even have the energy to get off the couch. But I will get back on track and on a new schedule next week. So far, I have lost 45 pounds and have about 10 more to go till I will feel satisfied. The weight came off slowly this summer. That OHSS illness really messed me up!

-Lisa-

Be Still

I have talked about how difficult infertility decision-making can be. We had to decide to do every treatment and when. We had to decide when enough was enough to take a break. We had to decide to tell people our struggle rather than keep it private. All of our decisions have taken time and contemplation. We haven't made a brash decision dealing with our journey to a baby. It actually seems like most of our time is centered around infertility decisions. Heck, the other day I was stressed about making the decision to take fertility supplements during our break because it couldn't hurt anything. But we are constantly moving forward and figuring everything out as we go.

Sometimes I feel so wrapped up into decisions, questions, answers that I lose myself. Infertility can cause such chaos in my mind and heart. I have good days where I am strong. But I also have days where all I think about is conception and nothing else. I really do get tired of making all the right choices. Childbearing is such a beautiful, intimate event in the natural course of a marriage. Not for us. Our course is a series of schedules, decisions, and so far, failure.

In church yesterday, it was said to Be still and know that God is God.

I realize that I don't have to let infertility take control. I don't have to panic when life doesn't pan out the way I dreamed it would. All because God is God. With Him, there is no reason for me to panic, stress, worry, or be all-consumed. Be still, Lisa.

The next 9 months of our break from treatment could be really good for us. They could be stress-free and relaxing. However, knowing me, I will still be disappointed and let down each and every month. I just need the strength to remain positive and patient (Be Still) with my eyes of Him.

-Lisa-

Is it Really Possible to Move On?

I have dedicated this blog to writing about our infertility struggles to educate and inspire others but also as a coping mechanism for myself. I feel like the blog has helped me if not someone else. What I am struggling with is how I move forward. I am facing a good 10 months before we are going to go through another IVF (in-vitro) cycle. (I know it is a long "break" but the school year dictates our plan.)

So...what should I focus on? How do I move on? What will I write about? Do I dwell on what should have been? Do I dwell on how much our situation sucks? Do I get angry because we have to "buy" our baby where others can have theirs for free?

I am stuck.

Amid the swirling thoughts in my forever-running mind, I can't help but be a bit bitter. (That last phrase is filled with b's!) I am angry. I am sad. When I think too much about the disappointment, it makes me depressed. I hate when I allow myself to get to that point. I especially hate it when I allow myself to let jealousy take over. I can't help but look at growing bellies and growing families and feel horrible about myself.

But I really want to move on. So, when I can feel the anger and jealousy taking over, I focus on all of the things I should be thankful for. God has blessed Jeremy and I with an amazing life together. We have a  house, we have jobs, we have fairly functioning vehicles, we have an awesome family, we have two adorable furbabies, we have amazing friends, we have the means to travel and enjoy life, and most importantly, we have our faith in Him.

So with all of these blessings...why do I struggle with moving past this one deficit of infertility? I should just be happy with what we do have instead of focusing on what we don't.

I know that with God on my side...I can "move on." I know that with His guidance that I will be able to focus my energy into a productive and positive outlet. Granted, I know that our infertility is always going to be a part of me. It doesn't go away and I don't think it ever will leave me entirely. But I am hoping that I can use the next 10 months as a way to de-stress, re-focus, be less angry, and to get rid of my jealous thoughts.

We shall see if I can accomplish this goal, and hopefully it is possible to move on.

-Lisa-

US + Vegas = New Perspective

Most people wouldn't consider Las Vegas a good place to clear your head and relax. But in our case, it was a trip that we desperately needed to take. They had record breaking heat in Vegas as well as rain which they haven't had in months. It didn't matter, we still had a blast!

New York New York (Our Hotel)

At Hoover Dam



I love this man so much!

Here is what Vegas has done for us:
1. Allowed us to focus on us instead of babies and fertility
2. Allowed us to relax
3. Allowed us to communicate how each of us felt about the IVF failure
4. Allowed us to have fun
5. Allowed us to strengthen our relationship
6. Allowed us to refocus our energy and get a new perspective

We really do love each other. I knew that I loved Jeremy. I even knew that he loved me. But there was always that fear that he will reject me if I can't give him a child but I know now that he loves me for me and not for the possible family I can give him. We talked a lot about the next step for us and we are pleasantly undecided.

We want to take some time for us. Dr. Kim encouraged us to take time as well. We have been through a lot and neither of us are emotionally ready for continuing the craziness. So at the doctor appointment today, we decided to do nothing. Yep, nothing. No treatments. No shots. No worries. No doctors. No ultrasounds. No pills. And hopefully no stress.

We are going to enjoy married life for awhile and talked about doing IVF again next spring when I won't be at the beginning of a school year (which, sadly, is quickly approaching). There are many benefits of life without children for us right now. Unlike our friends, we can do whatever we want, whenever we want, without worrying about a babysitter. We can pick up and go to Vegas on a week's notice. We can sleep in. We can nap in the middle of the day. Now we can enjoy the bliss of life without children.

Don't get me wrong...we cannot wait for the day when we can hold our babies. But for now, we are happy with where we are at. We know that God is in control and so we are going to try our best to be PATIENT. Something I haven't mastered yet but will continue to try without getting frustrated.

Here is yet another Youtube video that touched me. It is by a blogger who has decided to re-focus her infertility into something positive. I am striving to do the same.

-Lisa-



Holy June! I am glad you are over!

I know that one day (hopefully soon), I will be able to look back at this horrific month and see that it was all meant to be. To be honest though, the last month has really SUCKED! No apologies, it really has. God has a plan and purpose for us but I could have done without the craziness from June 9 to present.

Let's see...40+ needles jabbed into my stomach. About 10 uncomfortable ultrasounds. About 15 needles of lab work. Countless hours spent waiting at the doctor's office. Days of agonizing waiting. Buckets of tears. Two weeks of suffering with the worst pain ever with OHSS. Ten pounds of fluid gain from leaking ovaries. One hospital stay. And one giant BFN (in infertility world that is Big Fat Negative on a pregnancy test).

Yea, I could have done without that.
And this...(my IV bruise from hospital stay, although getting better, I look like a battered woman.)

All of this will have a purpose of some kind. We don't know why things turned out the way they did. And we don't know why I had to suffer so much. I could eat myself up with the doubts and what-ifs but then I would be dishonoring my God and my faith in Him. I KNOW that this is meant to be. Months or years down the road we will look back at this month and see that it was for His purpose. Whether this last month has altered our minds, hearts, path, etc. Or whether the last month leaves us loving each other as husband and wife more.

With all of the above listed "lovelies' of our IVF journey, there is one thing that I just found completely unfair. (Yes, more unfair than the 40+ needles and a negative pregnancy test.)

What hurt me the most is kind of silly. Suffering with moderate-severe OHSS causes my abdomen to fill with fluid which makes my stomach distended. I looked and still kind of look pregnant. (My sister told me to take a picture of the belly but I couldn't bring myself to doing it.) It is filled out and hard just like a pregnant belly. My pants wouldn't fit right and my stomach hurt at the shear thought of moving. So like a pregnant woman, I would hold my belly in my hands. I would stare at it and hold it. All the while dreaming of a day when that fluid is replaced with a miracle from God. I know it is silly...but the hurt of an empty "pregnant" belly is by far the worst thing to happen in the last month.

But I am OK. We are OK. We don't know what the next step is. And right now, I don't even think the next step involves fertility treatments. For now, our next step is enjoying each other. We leave for Las Vegas in a few days (it was our gift to each other for surviving the last month). Who knows...we may adopt...we may be foster parents...or we may be just crazy enough to try this roller coaster ride again!

We have so much appreciated all of the support and prayers from our friends, family, and perfect strangers that have reached out and touched our lives. We are not out of this fight but we are taking a break from the action for awhile.

-Lisa-

Need prayers please!

 I need prayers. I am suffering with a moderate case of OHSS caused by all of the IVF stimulation. Here is a link that gives details of symptoms and what causes this if you are interested:OHSS-IVF

The doctors are monitoring me closely but I am in a lot of pain right now and on strict rest. During this time, I have had time to reflect and pray. (And also search the Internet for encouragement!)

I wanted to post this video a couple days ago but Jeremy and I couldn't figure it out so I am putting a link to it. It is what I want to say to all of you but don't say it quite as eloquently as this. Here is the link: Please Watch This Video!! It is amazing and so true to our journey!

And lastly, this song has allowed me to follow God's plan even if I don't like it. I will do what He wants for our life. And again thanks for prayers and thoughts.

-Lisa-

Roller Coasters Have Dips Too!

One thing I wanted to do when I started this blog was to be real and honest...both with myself and anyone who read my posts. I realized that there was a  huge risk for me by doing this. I would share defeats and successes. People that read this blog got to see how there are so many ups and downs when going through something like this. Every couple that goes through fertility treatments experiences something like we have.  Sometimes the highs and lows come in one day or one hour on the infertility journey! I have heard of positive pregnancy tests in the morning that end with chemical pregnancy in the evening. You never know what comes next...

First of all, before I continue, I know that God loves us. I know that He knows what He is doing with our lives. There is no doubt in that. With that being said, today was filled with extreme highs and heartbreaking lows.

The previous post highlighted the highest of high. I know that God showed me today's miracle to re-strengthen my faith in Him and His plan. I needed to see hope when all else seemed hopeless. He knew that. He also knew that it wasn't meant to be.

In IVF, everything is planned out to a "T." My doctor couldn't plan everything out because my body reacted in a way that wasn't expected or heard of. While anxiously waiting to take my HcG trigger shot tonight, my body began to ovulate on its own. With this happening, we are unable to correctly plan for an egg retrieval. Therefore, we are officially cancelled. For real this time.

This is a tough time for Jeremy and I. We so much appreciate the love, prayers, support, and friendship that all of you have shown. We are both in a bit of mourning now. Mourning the loss of an opportunity more than anything. But we will be fine.

One thing I don't want is for you to feel uncomfortable by reading so much about our life. We have chosen to speak out when so many suffer in silence. God's plan is in full effect. We don't understand why or how He operates but we don't need to. We just need to have faith that He will create more miracles for us.

Dr. Kim called me at 11pm tonight and sounded upset himself. "Lisa, you tried so hard. You really did. We wanted it to work so badly. We will try again and have success."

So we are praying to heal our hearts and focus our minds on the next step...all the while waiting for God's Will to be shown.

-Lisa-

Wow...How Things Can Change!!

Real conversation with Dr. Kim this morning:

"Are you a spiritual person, Lisa?"

"Yes, very much so."

"Well, there has to be some of that mixed in because I have no reasoning to explain what has happened."

"What do you mean?"

"I think we can do IVF now. You have caught up to where you should be without meds. Your levels and follicle size are enough that we can continue. It may be risky since it has taken awhile to get you to this level but I am willing to do this. Are you?"

"Umm...YES! (insert happy tears here) How often does this happen?"

"Never."

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I just want to shout from the rooftop how amazing MY GOD is! Although this week has been incredibly stressful, I have had an oddly calm demeanor. I am one that freaks out when I am stressed. I worry. I google symptoms. I have to control things. On Monday when we officially lost IVF, I cried. But then oddly snapped out of it pretty quickly. Jeremy and I went shopping and spent the next two days together. I didn't obsess about it but we did pray. I know that God listened to our hearts. Even if this cycle isn't successful, I know that God will help and guide us to a better place.

If anything, Jeremy and I are closer than we have ever been. We have been together for close to 8 years and married for nearly 4 years. We obviously love each other. However, this infertility chapter of our life has brought us closer. At the beginning of infertility 3 years ago, I thought that if we didn't have a baby that it would be the end of our world. I know now that we are both in this for the long haul. So again, Thank You GOD!! This journey has brought us closer and made our marriage stronger.
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So, where do we go from here? Well, my levels are still not ideal. Usually you get between 10-15 eggs at retrieval. He is estimating me to get around 7 or 8 eggs but the scary part is that we have no idea the quality of those eggs until they are fertilized in the laboratory. It is a gamble...a huge one. With a lot of thought and prayer, we are continuing. It may not work...but it also might which is the hope I need to go forward. God is with us no matter what happens.

I will take my "trigger shot" tonight at 8:30pm.

Then we go in for egg retrieval Sunday morning.

 Keep the prayer chain going. I know that God hears you and today was proof of that! Praise and thank Him for everything He has done and will do for all of us.

-Lisa-

Well it was Fun While it Lasted!

I don't have any witty comments for today's blog. The reality is that our IVF journey is over really before it ever had a chance to start. We have been suffering with this impending doom since Saturday morning but became very much real to us today.

I have not been responding to the injections like expected. My follicles should be measuring around 18mm at this point and I am stuck at 13mm. My estrogen levels are also fairly low for where I should be.

Without enough progress, the doctor told us that he would continue if we wanted to but that it was risky and an expensive risk at that. He suggested changing to an insemination cycle instead. This is about $8500 cheaper. This way if this IUI (intra-uterine insemination) doesn't work, we can still try IVF again. If we do IVF again, they will be able to use a different protocol that would hopefully give me time to respond appropriately. Dr. Kim is clearly just as shocked as we are because I have never shown signs of low response.

Sometimes the scariest place to be is in my hormonal head. Luckily, I have the best husband/partner/friend EVER! When this is clearly my "fault," Jeremy won't ever let me think or feel that way. In fact, he will be upset that I even said "MY FAULT" out loud or in this blog post. I love him for that. Without his support, I would be a wreck. Some husbands wouldn't stand by their wives after so many failed attempts. It isn't even an issue for him. He loves me. He is there for me no matter what. Boy, God has truly blessed me with him.

So our journey to a family continues but just in a different way. The 30+ shots and $5000 worth of meds that have already been pumped into me will not be in vain. I just pray that this IUI is the answer to our prayers and that this is what God has planned for us. We will be all right however this journey turns out. It has truly opened my eyes to how strong I could be. I never thought that I could go through what I have and still be somewhat sane. (Jeremy may debate the whole sane part!)

I kept singing this song in my head since I heard the bad news on Saturday morning. It pretty much wraps up God's Will for me. The best line in the song is "I won't give you more, more than you can take. And I might let you bend but I won't let you break." It is worth a listen.

Keep up the prayers for us! We really appreciate all of the prayers and support from our family and friends...we are beyond blessed by all of you!

-Lisa-

My Crazy Anxious Mind

We are day 8 into this IVF cycle and day 6 of shots. Everyone I talk to is so concerned with the shots because it does seem unnatural to give them to yourself. My first injection last Saturday took me 30 minutes to finally give it. But since then, the shots aren't even on my radar of the biggest worries.

I have been a head-case lately. It doesn't help that my hormones are out of control either. I worry about everything! I mean everything. Without giving you a long story...things haven't gone exactly as they were planned in my head. There have been some little hiccups but we are working on sorting everything out with the meds and with my immunity levels. But I mainly worry about if this works or not. Or about running out of a place on my stomach for another shot! I am at four shots a day and the area around my belly button looks like a pin cushion. I worry about my sanity because I feel like I am going completely insane. (Jeremy reminds me that I am crazy to begin with.)

I just love Pinterest!

I know that I shouldn't worry and just let God's Plan work in my life.

I have a GREAT group of girlfriends from high school. Some of us have been close since preschool and others joined our little group in junior high school. Either way, I am still close with all of them.Even with all of my wonderful friends, infertility can make me feel all alone.  We have grown up together and been fortunate enough to see all of life's milestones together. High school and college graduations. First serious relationships. Marriage proposals and wedding preparation.  We’ve gone through all the ups and downs of life together, yet I’ve been unable to accompany them down the path of parenthood. 

It is easy to feel alone when going through everything. During these scary times when I wonder where God is, I understand that He stands right there with me. He’s with me in the good times. He’s with me in the bad times.He’s with me when I pray and tears of wonder and joy stream down my face. He’s with me when my heart hurts so badly that I don’t even want to think about Him, much less call out His Name. He’s been with me every time a doctor gives another diagnosis or bad report. He’s with me in disappointment. He’s with me in times of ridiculous joy.  

So my goal for the next couple of weeks is to get the picture of how it is supposed to be out of my head. So I can stop worrying and pray to God more. He has worked miracles in my life and I know he will continue to do so.

-Lisa-

Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots

Whenever Jeremy and I talk about the stimulant injections that I will have to do for our IVF cycle, we always break out in song. LMFAO has a song all about drinking and taking shots. (I attached a video of some people dancing just to the chorus to save you from having to listen to the whole song which really isn't that great.)

(BTW...Jeremy and I fully understand that we are complete nerds.)

This song has been in my head ALL morning long. Why? Because I received my large, Styrofoam cooler filled with shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. I never thought I would be excited about getting dozens of needles and vials. But I am. Not because I am a sadist but because we are ready to start this.

I go to the doctor tomorrow and if everything goes well, I start the injections. Right now I am super excited...talk to me in a week and I am sure I will not be as thrilled.

Just a plain cooler to most but inside it holds our hope for our dreams coming true. (Too corny? Yep.)

There is all of the goods inside...

YOWZA! Holy needles!

Just in case you didn't see enough.

So...we have been talking about IVF for awhile and now it is finally here. We have been popping vitamins and hormone pills for a month and now we finally get to start the "real deal." Woo-Hoo! As always, prayers are appreciated. Thanks so much for your support!

-Lisa-

Onward!

Well...I haven't written in awhile. I try to keep my blog posts positive and although I address the desperation that comes with infertility, I try my best to still be optimistic. However, I have had a hard time being the bubbly rainbows and puppies kind of writer lately. So don't be alarmed if this isn't all wrapped up in a nice neat bow this time.

Some positives since I wrote last....I am on SUMMER BREAK! I have been off for a whole week now and it feels amazing. I have had the chance to see my mom and family more in the last week than I have seen them in the last few months added all together. I am looking forward to having the next two months off. Although some days I am sure I will be bored, it is still great to get the relaxation time. I also have lost a total of 37 pounds. I really wanted to lose 50 pounds before starting fertility treatments but I feel good about 37. I am in sizes that I haven't been in since 2006. Consequently, I have had a few shopping trips. I don't have too many clothes that fit but I am fine with that problem!

Many of you know that our IVF treatments are taking over my summer. I started the beginning of treatment at the beginning of May. Now, we are getting down to the scary treatments. When I get my shipment of meds, I will post a picture. It is is insane! The meds alone cost $4000! It isn't natural to give yourself shots. Even scarier, there are shots that Jeremy has to give me as well. Many people on the outside looking in would suggest another method. They don't get it. They don't understand why I would put my body and mind through this. They don't understand why we would want to gamble $13,000 on a 51% chance that we have a family in the end.

I am not worried about the shots. I am not worried about the money. I worry about the strong possibility that at the end of the summer...we are not pregnant. We are investing our entire life in this one shot. We are going to get our hopes up. We are going to expect this to work. But a strong feeling in the very depths of my soul worries about failure. How will we move on from this? How will we survive the disappointment? God's plan and will are in full effect. So I know that if His plan doesn't involve our own children, we will be fine. However, the thoughts still keep me up at night and still terrify me.

I won't post specifics of the process. In fact, I might not post much during the process. It is too much information for most lay people. Instead I have an IVF community forum online where there are 25 of us going through everything at around the same time. But I would appreciate your continued prayers for Jeremy and I. However this cycle turns out, we will need our family and friends to be there for us.

-Lisa-