Negativity

I haven't written in awhile. I have a lot to say. But I won't blab it all in one, lonely blog post.

I went to my 10th Weight Watchers weigh-in. It is old hat now. I have lost 19.2 pounds...so very close to 20 pounds! Our meeting leader, Becky, talked about Nixing Negative Talk.

Negativity? Me, negative? Nooooooo...

Absolutely! I took a hard look at who I was on the inside and I didn't like the way I was treating myself. I have allowed negative thoughts to enter my mind WAY more than I should ever allow. I am hoping that actually posting these negative, no-good thoughts here will allow them to exit my mind so I can focus on the positive aspects all around me.

I have been putting off another IUI for months. Why? Because I only attach negative feelings towards the procedure. I find excuses of why it isn't a good idea. I am afraid of failing again. I am afraid of not being able to keep it together. I am afraid that if I don't do another IUI that Jeremy will be angry at me. I think that it cannot work. I don't want to try again if it is just going to fail. Which it will...
(Those are the thoughts coursing through my brain right now...)

Speaking of failure...how did I allow myself to get like this? I tend to have negative, self-loathing thoughts about my weight, my career, our family situation. Here goes the rant:
How did I allow myself to get this FAT?
I hate seeing pregnant women. I really do. I can't help the jealous hatred that boils right under the surface.
We will never have a family. We better really like each other because it is just Jeremy and I forever.
I wonder if Jeremy would be happier with someone that can carry his child. Because I can't.


Feeling sorry for me, yet? I hope not! I don't want empathy.
I know that my negative thoughts are just a part of life. We tend to pull ourselves down even when so many miraculous events are going on around us. I would NEVER speak these un-healthy thoughts aloud (except maybe to God who already knows them).

I am hoping that I can become more positive. Tomorrow is a new day and so a new outlook as well. Writing the negative thoughts out releases them (even if just a little bit) from my body. I can move on and start filling my brain with more positivity like: God loves me. We WILL have a family even if it is not the way we planned. I am so blessed to be living through this obstacle because I am learning so much about myself and my relationship with God.

-Lisa-

Faith

The silence of infertility can be deafening.  I cry out time and time again with all the strength I can muster.  I find myself begging with God, pleading with God, bargaining with God. Yet He chooses to remain silent.  I try making promises.  I do all I can do. If I thought He expected something, I have done it. If giving to others would help, I would give every earthly possession I have. For some unknown reason, God seems to be doing nothing.

When I feel hopeless, I fall into the arms of God. They are strong enough to hold me and they’ll catch me every single time. For you see, when you can go no further and your strength is gone, His strength becomes perfect in our weakness. And you know that terrifying stillness in the dark times? Those times when God seems a million miles away? Even though you know He can do anything, you’re just so afraid He won’t. Whenever I need proof that God is working in my life, all I need to do is simply turn my hand palm up and look at the inside of my wrist.

On the insides of my wrists you can see my blood vessels as clearly as though I had no skin.  To me, these bluish tubes buried just below the surface appear stagnant. No movement. No action. To my eyes, they appear as nothing more than streaks of color on my arms. I don’t feel anything. No throbbing. No pressure. They have no sound. If I didn’t see them, I wouldn’t know they are even there.

But what is the reality?  Blood is pumping through those tiny veins keeping me alive. I can't feel it, I can't see it...but it is there.

Are you beginning to see where I’m headed?   Just as I am blissfully unaware of the blood in my body flowing, working, moving through my veins, God through Christ is flowing, working and moving through the story of my life!

I may not see Him.  I may not hear Him.  I don’t have to! That doesn’t squash His ability!  I may have never been as aware as I am now, but He’s been working on my life since long before my birth, and He’s working for me even now. As I write these words, He’s working.  When tears stream down my face, He’s working. As my hopes rise and fall, He’s working.  As I find those few precious moments when I forget I have a problem, He’s working. He never stops working on my behalf. And He never will.

It is such an amazing feeling! I have FAITH that He is working in my life and He has a plan designed especially for me. I can rest easy knowing the Almighty is in charge of my life.

-Lisa-

Missing My Nana

I make a calendar for the Bruno clan every year for Christmas. Each of my 7 nieces/nephew get their own featured month. Each birthday and anniversary is marked clearly with my family member's photo. It keeps me organized on who needs a card but also all of my appointments, etc.

March is a busy month on our Bruno calendar with five birthdays.

As I sat down to mark conferences and appointments on the calendar, one photo jumped out at me. My Nana. She passed away March 15, 1999. Her gorgeous picture falls on that day for us all to remember (we would without the picture) this amazing person.

Granted, I was fairly young when she passed but her influence, love, and words live on deep in my heart.

I know that everyone loves their grandparents dearly and my love for mine isn't especially unique. But to me it is. I loved my Nana more than I could ever express in words on this silly blog. She was the kind of lady that would literally "give her shirt off of her back" for anyone in need. She was tough when she needed to be and I knew not to cross her. She dressed "to the nines" and had the best sense of humor. She loved to sing, play piano, and dance. She was definitely the life of the party. Everyone fell in love with her.

I didn't want to believe she was sick, and I definitely didn't want to believe that my Nana was going to die. She was a lady I absolutely loved spending time with. Our afternoon lunches are fond memories of mine.

The best part about our relationship was that Nana loved me just as much as I loved her. Her words have fueled my internal drive to do the best at everything. She thought and believed I could be something. She believed I could do something really special.

Consequently, whenever I felt like I couldn't do something...Nana's words made me believe I could. When it seemed like I should just give up...Nana's beliefs eased my pain. So many times, I have felt like we never will be parents and maybe we should just throw in the towel.  But then, Nana always believed I would do something special.

I miss Nana a lot. I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could see her. Even as it approaches 13 years since she was been gone, I take her everywhere I go. I am confident that I will have the opportunity to be reunited with Nana and my other dearly loved grandparents one day.

Thanks for listening. Just missing her today.

-Lisa-

Faith of a Mustard Seed

Everyone, even those not suffering with infertility, have had times they have pleaded with God or some higher being. We get desperate and reach out. This is usually in a time of dire need. I have had a few of these situations over the last 28 years:
1) Plane ride at the age of 9 that made me want to be baptized
2) My first car accident when I was 16
3) When my Nana passed away and I thought I'd die without her
4) My 7 seater plane ride from NYC to Albany, NY (I swore we were going down)
5) My first day of teaching (Scared out of my mind)
6) When my Gramma passed away and I was left grandparent-less
7) Choosing Jeremy (I wasn't sure at first-ha!)
8) Of course, infertility

Just some of the moments in life that I begged, pleaded, cried out, and leaned on my God. I beg and beg God for the right answers and the right path in life. And in these cases have asked him for the things I thought was best...not what He wanted. It is easy to ask, "Why didn't God answer my prayer the way I asked Him?" He surely heard me?

As I struggle with infertility (#8), I beg God to change our situation. I ask Him to allow us to conceive this month, not next month! We know this is the right time! We plead with Him to let this procedure work or to make this all just go away. What I sometimes don't understand is that He has a plan. He knows what He's doing, even when I think I do!

A great friend recently gave me a necklace. It is of a mustard seed. Of course accompanied with scripture from Matthew 17:20 "He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Faith is all I need. Faith that God's plan is in motion. I lived through that plane ride (#1) that caused me to draw closer to Him even at a young age. I survived my first car accident (#2) even though I shouldn't have left walking. I carry Nana and Gramma in my heart everyday even though I miss them both terribly (#3 & 6). Although a scary situation, I still survived my tiny plane ride and have great stories because of it (#4). I love my job and that first year of kids will always be in the back of my mind (#5). God led me to the right man for me (#7).

God’s ways were not my ways throughout my life. God’s thoughts were not my thoughts. Did that mean He didn’t love me or didn’t care? Did it mean that He didn’t understand how afraid I was or how desperately I wanted Him to answer my prayers? Did it mean He didn’t have a plan? Not at all. It simply meant that He had a plan that I didn’t see or understand yet. I’m so glad He knew what I needed more than I thought I knew what I needed for myself.

I am still waiting for God's answer to #8. But the best part is that I know He is working on it. He has never failed me and so if I only need faith of a mustard seed...get ready to move a mountain!

-Lisa-

My Rock

As a woman going through infertility, it is easy to get wrapped up into my own little world. I forget that others are hurting and suffering as well. This is especially true when it comes to my husband.

I am lucky to have been born a girl where it is socially acceptable to be emotional. I don't need the help of the hormone shots to be overly emotional because I am a sensitive person to begin with. However, men aren't raised with the same need to share feelings and just plain cry. Men are taught to be strong, supportive, and to hide their true feelings.

So when I cry and cry after each passing month without a baby, my husband is there to be strong for me. When I get angry that I am not pregnant but everyone else on the planet is expecting, my husband gives me hugs and reassurance. He doesn't cry or lose his mind like I do. Instead, he is the rock that brings me back to reality.

But he suffers too. It is easy to forget that he is also apart of this infertility struggle. I forget that his heart aches right along with mine. But looking back, I don't see an instance where I was able to be his rock. I have been taking all of this love and encouragement from him, but am I supporting him in return? Probably not.

Not too long ago, we found out that we are now officially the only married couple we hang out with that is without children or children on the way. Of course, it was tough for me even though I am so overjoyed that our friends are having babies. But what I didn't expect is how everything affects Jeremy. When talking about our situation with him, I found out that he is torn up inside just like me. I asked him why he never told me how he really felt. He responded, "I can't. I have to keep it together. I feel the same way you do but I have to be the strong one. If we were both freaking out, it would be bad. But I feel the same. I hurt too."

The men going through infertility have to suffer in silence while they take care of their other halves, just like Jeremy has been doing.

So, I am going to work on being supportive of my hubby. He feels the same feelings as I do. He hurts. He is frustrated. He is sad. Now, talking to Jeremy, you would never know. He keeps it together better than anyone. But he needs me to be his rock. This is my goal for us. We are in this together and with God's help will get through it together.

-Lisa-

To Share or Not to Share

Jeremy and I went and saw the movie "The Vow" a few days ago. It is the romantic drama with Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams. It is such a great movie and so emotional too. In the movie, the narrator (Channing Tatum) talks about "impact" moments in your life.

That phrase "impact" stuck with me. Those moments in life that steer you one way or another. Those moments where you realize something about yourself.

It gets me thinking about when I first realized that having a baby wouldn't be easy. I was sitting in my OBGYN's waiting room. We had tried naturally for a year and two months on Clomid. I was waiting for my exam and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I broke out in tears right there. I realized that this was going to be a longer journey than I had expected. But at that moment, I experienced an impact. Just like the many scenarios in The Vow.

An interesting thing happens when a woman realizes that she will have to fight to conceive a baby. Most of our choices are taken away with the diagnosis---or in my case a lack of a diagnosis. We may not get to decide how many children we will have, or if we will have them at all. We won't be able to choose how or when we will conceive. However, there are some choices we are able to make, and many must be dealt with at the very start of the baby battle. Here was the kicker for me:

Do we tell people we are having a problem, or do we keep it to ourselves??

Difficult decisions (or sometimes impact moments) must be covered in prayer, and the necessity of those prayers often feels overwhelming. The greatest support comes from the prayers of loving people who care about you, just like my readers of this blog--YOU!

However, for some people, self-disclosure is nauseating! At first, I didn't want anyone to know how desperate I was for a baby and how hard this battle really is. The issue of infertility was simply too private for me to share with anyone but Jeremy. I didn't want other people to look at me with pity when a new mother walked in the room with her baby. I couldn't tolerate the idea of the well-meaning people who would say hurtful things like: "Oh, you could always adopt!", or "Oh honey, you're young! You can always have another baby!" So I chose to keep my problem and despair to myself.

For me, the quiet pain was eating at my heart. God knew my pain and that gave me comfort. Studying the Word that He gave us showed multiple cases of infertility. Hannah and Sarah's stories stick out to me the most. Their stories were shared in the Bible for some reason. I know that infertility was apart of God's Word to help ease the despair of those of us that live in quiet pain.

So I spoke out. First, just with my closest friends and family. Then, with my coworkers. And now with the world through this blog. I can't even begin to tell you what joy and release comes to my heart every time I write on this blog.

I can't help but think that God set me on this journey for a greater purpose. If that purpose is to share my story and words with others, then I shall do it. If that purpose is to give someone else support and comfort as they suffer with quiet pain, then I will bear it.  

-Lisa-

Listen to the Sound

I have listened to the song "Listen to the Sound" by Building 429 a "million times" but today on the way home, I actually REALLY listened to the words. It spoke to me. It can apply to so many people in different areas or trials of their lives. I attached the lyrics and the music. I love the song even more than I did before focusing on the lyrics.

"Listen to the Sound" by Building 429
Are you in over your head?
Are you on water so deep your drowning?
Do you think you've been left,
And there is no one to feel your hurting?

Well everybody has been there
And everybody's felt lost
If you're in over your head
Lift it up
Lift it up

(Chorus)
Oh, listen to the sound of hope
That's rising up
Over your old horizon
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
And listen to the sound of a new beginning of
This is where the old is ending
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
ooohh ooohh oohh

I hear you say your alone
I hear you sayin' that you'll never make it
I've got to tell you you're wrong
Cuz I have been down this path you're taking

You'll never know what Faith is
Till you don't understand
Sometimes it takes the silence
To finally hear His plans

(Chorus)
Oh, listen to the sound of hope
That's rising up
Over your old horizon
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
And listen to the sound of a new beginning of
This is where the old is ending
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
ohhh oohh ohhh

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
I once was lost
But now I'm found

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
I once was lost
But now I'm found

(Chorus)
Oh, listen to the sound of hope
That's rising up
Over your old horizon
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
And listen to the sound of a new beginning of
This is where the old is ending
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
ooohh oohh oooh

His grace is reaching for us
His grace is reaching out
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
Wherever your are...

His grace is reaching for us
His grace is reaching out
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
Wherever your are...


-Lisa-