My Rock

As a woman going through infertility, it is easy to get wrapped up into my own little world. I forget that others are hurting and suffering as well. This is especially true when it comes to my husband.

I am lucky to have been born a girl where it is socially acceptable to be emotional. I don't need the help of the hormone shots to be overly emotional because I am a sensitive person to begin with. However, men aren't raised with the same need to share feelings and just plain cry. Men are taught to be strong, supportive, and to hide their true feelings.

So when I cry and cry after each passing month without a baby, my husband is there to be strong for me. When I get angry that I am not pregnant but everyone else on the planet is expecting, my husband gives me hugs and reassurance. He doesn't cry or lose his mind like I do. Instead, he is the rock that brings me back to reality.

But he suffers too. It is easy to forget that he is also apart of this infertility struggle. I forget that his heart aches right along with mine. But looking back, I don't see an instance where I was able to be his rock. I have been taking all of this love and encouragement from him, but am I supporting him in return? Probably not.

Not too long ago, we found out that we are now officially the only married couple we hang out with that is without children or children on the way. Of course, it was tough for me even though I am so overjoyed that our friends are having babies. But what I didn't expect is how everything affects Jeremy. When talking about our situation with him, I found out that he is torn up inside just like me. I asked him why he never told me how he really felt. He responded, "I can't. I have to keep it together. I feel the same way you do but I have to be the strong one. If we were both freaking out, it would be bad. But I feel the same. I hurt too."

The men going through infertility have to suffer in silence while they take care of their other halves, just like Jeremy has been doing.

So, I am going to work on being supportive of my hubby. He feels the same feelings as I do. He hurts. He is frustrated. He is sad. Now, talking to Jeremy, you would never know. He keeps it together better than anyone. But he needs me to be his rock. This is my goal for us. We are in this together and with God's help will get through it together.

-Lisa-

To Share or Not to Share

Jeremy and I went and saw the movie "The Vow" a few days ago. It is the romantic drama with Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams. It is such a great movie and so emotional too. In the movie, the narrator (Channing Tatum) talks about "impact" moments in your life.

That phrase "impact" stuck with me. Those moments in life that steer you one way or another. Those moments where you realize something about yourself.

It gets me thinking about when I first realized that having a baby wouldn't be easy. I was sitting in my OBGYN's waiting room. We had tried naturally for a year and two months on Clomid. I was waiting for my exam and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I broke out in tears right there. I realized that this was going to be a longer journey than I had expected. But at that moment, I experienced an impact. Just like the many scenarios in The Vow.

An interesting thing happens when a woman realizes that she will have to fight to conceive a baby. Most of our choices are taken away with the diagnosis---or in my case a lack of a diagnosis. We may not get to decide how many children we will have, or if we will have them at all. We won't be able to choose how or when we will conceive. However, there are some choices we are able to make, and many must be dealt with at the very start of the baby battle. Here was the kicker for me:

Do we tell people we are having a problem, or do we keep it to ourselves??

Difficult decisions (or sometimes impact moments) must be covered in prayer, and the necessity of those prayers often feels overwhelming. The greatest support comes from the prayers of loving people who care about you, just like my readers of this blog--YOU!

However, for some people, self-disclosure is nauseating! At first, I didn't want anyone to know how desperate I was for a baby and how hard this battle really is. The issue of infertility was simply too private for me to share with anyone but Jeremy. I didn't want other people to look at me with pity when a new mother walked in the room with her baby. I couldn't tolerate the idea of the well-meaning people who would say hurtful things like: "Oh, you could always adopt!", or "Oh honey, you're young! You can always have another baby!" So I chose to keep my problem and despair to myself.

For me, the quiet pain was eating at my heart. God knew my pain and that gave me comfort. Studying the Word that He gave us showed multiple cases of infertility. Hannah and Sarah's stories stick out to me the most. Their stories were shared in the Bible for some reason. I know that infertility was apart of God's Word to help ease the despair of those of us that live in quiet pain.

So I spoke out. First, just with my closest friends and family. Then, with my coworkers. And now with the world through this blog. I can't even begin to tell you what joy and release comes to my heart every time I write on this blog.

I can't help but think that God set me on this journey for a greater purpose. If that purpose is to share my story and words with others, then I shall do it. If that purpose is to give someone else support and comfort as they suffer with quiet pain, then I will bear it.  

-Lisa-

Listen to the Sound

I have listened to the song "Listen to the Sound" by Building 429 a "million times" but today on the way home, I actually REALLY listened to the words. It spoke to me. It can apply to so many people in different areas or trials of their lives. I attached the lyrics and the music. I love the song even more than I did before focusing on the lyrics.

"Listen to the Sound" by Building 429
Are you in over your head?
Are you on water so deep your drowning?
Do you think you've been left,
And there is no one to feel your hurting?

Well everybody has been there
And everybody's felt lost
If you're in over your head
Lift it up
Lift it up

(Chorus)
Oh, listen to the sound of hope
That's rising up
Over your old horizon
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
And listen to the sound of a new beginning of
This is where the old is ending
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
ooohh ooohh oohh

I hear you say your alone
I hear you sayin' that you'll never make it
I've got to tell you you're wrong
Cuz I have been down this path you're taking

You'll never know what Faith is
Till you don't understand
Sometimes it takes the silence
To finally hear His plans

(Chorus)
Oh, listen to the sound of hope
That's rising up
Over your old horizon
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
And listen to the sound of a new beginning of
This is where the old is ending
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
ohhh oohh ohhh

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
I once was lost
But now I'm found

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
I once was lost
But now I'm found

(Chorus)
Oh, listen to the sound of hope
That's rising up
Over your old horizon
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
And listen to the sound of a new beginning of
This is where the old is ending
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
ooohh oohh oooh

His grace is reaching for us
His grace is reaching out
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
Wherever your are...

His grace is reaching for us
His grace is reaching out
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
Wherever your are...


-Lisa-

Happy Valentine's Day...

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone! I grew up in a family where Valentine's Day was a big deal. I have fond memories of receiving my valentine's gifts at school from Mom and Dad. It was so cool to have those flowers and balloons to take home on the bus. I felt SO loved! I also have fond memories of watching my mom search around the house to find all of my dad's gifts for her. (Jeremy does the same!) There was so much love that day (and really everyday).

Valentine's Day quickly became my favorite holiday. I loved my family all year long but Valentine's Day was just another day to express that love to them. Poor Jeremy came into our relationship unknowing of my Valentine's Day expectations. He learned after the first year that he was expected to not only show his love, but write a card, give flowers, and preferably some chocolate. He has stepped it up since that first Valentine's Day!


I am going to have to now explain my train of thought. This happens often: my mind wanders from subject to subject until I arrive at a realization.

So...Valentine's Day makes me realize that God loves us no matter what day it is. His love is enough. His grace is enough. In fact, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness" (Corinthians 12:9).

So sometimes I don't feel strong, I don't know about you? I could easily believe that it is impossible to survive the sorrows of infertility. But I have endured...so have so many others. That is His strength being perfected in my weakness. How great is it that God gives strength in our time of weakness? He uses the trying times in our life to show us the beauty and purpose to our lives.

So on this Valentine's Day, I can have contentment to know that God loves me, gives me strength, and provides His grace for me. Just me! All for me! He helps me face distress, persecution, difficulties, insults, and even infertility!

What an awesome God?! Now, share your love for Him and your family...EVERYDAY! Not just today.

-Lisa-

"You look like one of the kids now."

Changing my way of life is EXTREMELY hard to do. I have been a lazy person for years so the idea of exercising, frankly, frightens me. However, I am making huge strides in changing not only the way I view food, but also how I view exercising.

A student I taught last year came up to me in the hallway today and asked, "Mrs. Sickel, are you losing weight? You look like one of the kids now." I jumped for joy inside and just wanted to pick him up and swing him around the hall. How sweet is that?! Instead, I jumped for joy inside and said, "Why yes I am...thanks for noticing."

I have a long way to go but I absolutely LOVE that people are noticing! This morning's scale showed 12 pounds down...only 38 more to go.

A part of this "Better Lisa" journey involves working out and getting fit. I had this crazy idea to train for a 5K so I had something to work towards. Now I have involved other people and am ready to take it on. So April 29 I will be running in the Trolley Run. It is a 4 mile trek through Kansas City. My goal is to be able to jog/run through the whole course. We will see how it goes but I am excited.

I actually did not want to be pregnant this month (as crazy as that sounds!). I have looked forward to the end of my cycle in possible hope that it may be THE month. But now, I know that I need to get my body and mind ready to be a mom. I think that a healthier me is better than a pregnant me. Selfish? Possibly. Necessity? I think so.

Thank you God for making my mind clear, my goals focused, and my strength in You to get through it all.

-Lisa-

Learning to Wait

So much of the fight of my sanity in my quest for a baby is waiting. I wait for the next cycle to begin. I wait till we can go to the Dr. to start the next treatment. I wait for the blood tests. I wait to get past the point of my last miscarriage. Everybody despises that dreaded two week wait (2ww). It seems like all I do is just sit around and wait. Why is it that even God tells us to wait?

Isaiah 40:31 "Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength..."

I love to look at the literal translation of words in God's Word. You can learn so much when you know what the writer had in mind when he took pen to paper. Look what I found about what the word "wait" really means:
"A straining of the mind in a certain direction with an expectant attitude...a forward look with assurance."

Waiting is not passive at all! It is active (in fact, too much so)! If you feel weary of this fight, and need to gain new strength, this Scripture literally tells you what to do (at least it did me): WAIT! Don't wait like you may have previously thought about waiting--you know, sitting around doing nothing. Wait like the Word tell us to. Strain your mind toward God with an expectant attitude, looking forward with assurance (key word)!

How do I do this, I ask myself? How do I wait like God tells us? I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow to find out!
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On a side note, after a rough few days, I am at peace. I have days that are hard and it is difficult dealing with my overwhelming feelings. However, I am not anxious or sad today. I feel strong and willing to let God into my heart. It is quite the feeling to have a deeper inner peace without jealousy and sadness. Thank you to those of you that helped me through the rough weekend and made me feel normal again. You will never know how your words, hugs, and prayers helped me get to a better place. Onward I go!

-Lisa-

Jealousy

When I start to feel heartbroken, I have lots of choices. I talk to Jeremy and my mom, I read God's word, I cry alone, and I read. One of my favorite books to read is Beth Forbus's Baby Hunger. This was emailed from her today and helped, even just a little bit. It isn't easy feeling alone in my pain. It isn't easy covering my real feelings day in and day out. It isn't easy to see so many happy families around me when that is all I want. It is even harder to see families or mothers that just complain about their "hard" lives...I would DIE for that "hard" life. It is so hard to stop the hate and resentment that builds in my heart. I am glad that I am not the only one that has to pray to suppress those horrible feelings of jealousy. When God enters my thoughts and heart, I feel healed. So here are Beth's words...

“…I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”
John 10:10

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!
Philippians 4:4

Once you discover that your desired pregnancy will be delayed, an amazing thing happens! People around you become “stupid”! They do stupid things like ask you to hand out the gifts at church on Mother’s Day since you won’t be participating. They make such stupid comments! Oh, the comments! “I just think about my husband and the morning sickness starts!” When you realize that you aren’t quite as fertile as the other branches of your family tree, you’ll find out within one weekend that your best friend, your co-worker and your sister-in-law are all pregnant! Your cousin gripes to you about how uncomfortable she is in her 37th week of pregnancy. Everyone is pregnant. Everyone but you.

You’re amazed at the apparent insensitivity of the fertile world. You’re amazed at the anger and jealousy taking root in your infertile heart. Relationships with people you have adored for an entire lifetime become strained. Their greatest source of joy has become a constant reminder of what you have so longed for yet cannot obtain.

As you stand face to face with the issue of infertility, many choices are ripped away from you. The choice of when to have children, perhaps the choice of how many children to have, the choice of keeping your problem private. Other choices are so difficult. Do we consult a doctor? How far do we go with treatment? What do we give up to pay for medical treatment? Do we adopt? However, there is a crucial area where you do have the ultimate choice. Will I choose joy or will I allow infertility to dictate my mindset and the attitude of my heart? Christ came that we may have life and have it more abundantly. We’re told to rejoice, and the writer is so adamant that we rejoice that he just has to repeat himself—“Again, I say rejoice!” If you’re feeling weak, the joy of the Lord is your strength. Our weaknesses showcase Christ’s ability to be our perfected strength.

Does this mean that you should never cry or feel down? Absolutely not. Our Savior was a man full of emotions and the Bible even says He was acquainted with grief and bore our sorrows (Isaiah 53:4). It does mean that you can choose to let Christ carry those sorrows and choose the joy that runs deeper than simple situational happiness. Peace that is so strong and doesn’t make sense considering your trial is yours for the taking. You can choose to accept the offer of abundant life provided by Jesus Christ Himself, or choose a life of despondency, jealousy and discouragement.

Easy? Not always. But the choice, my friend, is yours.

(Taken from Baby Hunger: Biblical Encouragement for Those Struggling with Infertility by Beth Forbus.)

-Lisa-