Happy Valentine's Day to everyone! I grew up in a family where Valentine's Day was a big deal. I have fond memories of receiving my valentine's gifts at school from Mom and Dad. It was so cool to have those flowers and balloons to take home on the bus. I felt SO loved! I also have fond memories of watching my mom search around the house to find all of my dad's gifts for her. (Jeremy does the same!) There was so much love that day (and really everyday).
Valentine's Day quickly became my favorite holiday. I loved my family all year long but Valentine's Day was just another day to express that love to them. Poor Jeremy came into our relationship unknowing of my Valentine's Day expectations. He learned after the first year that he was expected to not only show his love, but write a card, give flowers, and preferably some chocolate. He has stepped it up since that first Valentine's Day!
I am going to have to now explain my train of thought. This happens often: my mind wanders from subject to subject until I arrive at a realization.
So...Valentine's Day makes me realize that God loves us no matter what day it is. His love is enough. His grace is enough. In fact, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness" (Corinthians 12:9).
So sometimes I don't feel strong, I don't know about you? I could easily believe that it is impossible to survive the sorrows of infertility. But I have endured...so have so many others. That is His strength being perfected in my weakness. How great is it that God gives strength in our time of weakness? He uses the trying times in our life to show us the beauty and purpose to our lives.
So on this Valentine's Day, I can have contentment to know that God loves me, gives me strength, and provides His grace for me. Just me! All for me! He helps me face distress, persecution, difficulties, insults, and even infertility!
What an awesome God?! Now, share your love for Him and your family...EVERYDAY! Not just today.
-Lisa-
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
"You look like one of the kids now."
Changing my way of life is EXTREMELY hard to do. I have been a lazy person for years so the idea of exercising, frankly, frightens me. However, I am making huge strides in changing not only the way I view food, but also how I view exercising.
A student I taught last year came up to me in the hallway today and asked, "Mrs. Sickel, are you losing weight? You look like one of the kids now." I jumped for joy inside and just wanted to pick him up and swing him around the hall. How sweet is that?! Instead, I jumped for joy inside and said, "Why yes I am...thanks for noticing."
I have a long way to go but I absolutely LOVE that people are noticing! This morning's scale showed 12 pounds down...only 38 more to go.
A part of this "Better Lisa" journey involves working out and getting fit. I had this crazy idea to train for a 5K so I had something to work towards. Now I have involved other people and am ready to take it on. So April 29 I will be running in the Trolley Run. It is a 4 mile trek through Kansas City. My goal is to be able to jog/run through the whole course. We will see how it goes but I am excited.
I actually did not want to be pregnant this month (as crazy as that sounds!). I have looked forward to the end of my cycle in possible hope that it may be THE month. But now, I know that I need to get my body and mind ready to be a mom. I think that a healthier me is better than a pregnant me. Selfish? Possibly. Necessity? I think so.
Thank you God for making my mind clear, my goals focused, and my strength in You to get through it all.
-Lisa-
A student I taught last year came up to me in the hallway today and asked, "Mrs. Sickel, are you losing weight? You look like one of the kids now." I jumped for joy inside and just wanted to pick him up and swing him around the hall. How sweet is that?! Instead, I jumped for joy inside and said, "Why yes I am...thanks for noticing."
I have a long way to go but I absolutely LOVE that people are noticing! This morning's scale showed 12 pounds down...only 38 more to go.
A part of this "Better Lisa" journey involves working out and getting fit. I had this crazy idea to train for a 5K so I had something to work towards. Now I have involved other people and am ready to take it on. So April 29 I will be running in the Trolley Run. It is a 4 mile trek through Kansas City. My goal is to be able to jog/run through the whole course. We will see how it goes but I am excited.
I actually did not want to be pregnant this month (as crazy as that sounds!). I have looked forward to the end of my cycle in possible hope that it may be THE month. But now, I know that I need to get my body and mind ready to be a mom. I think that a healthier me is better than a pregnant me. Selfish? Possibly. Necessity? I think so.
Thank you God for making my mind clear, my goals focused, and my strength in You to get through it all.
-Lisa-
Monday, February 6, 2012
Learning to Wait
So much of the fight of my sanity in my quest for a baby is waiting. I wait for the next cycle to begin. I wait till we can go to the Dr. to start the next treatment. I wait for the blood tests. I wait to get past the point of my last miscarriage. Everybody despises that dreaded two week wait (2ww). It seems like all I do is just sit around and wait. Why is it that even God tells us to wait?
Isaiah 40:31 "Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength..."
I love to look at the literal translation of words in God's Word. You can learn so much when you know what the writer had in mind when he took pen to paper. Look what I found about what the word "wait" really means:
"A straining of the mind in a certain direction with an expectant attitude...a forward look with assurance."
Waiting is not passive at all! It is active (in fact, too much so)! If you feel weary of this fight, and need to gain new strength, this Scripture literally tells you what to do (at least it did me): WAIT! Don't wait like you may have previously thought about waiting--you know, sitting around doing nothing. Wait like the Word tell us to. Strain your mind toward God with an expectant attitude, looking forward with assurance (key word)!
How do I do this, I ask myself? How do I wait like God tells us? I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow to find out!
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On a side note, after a rough few days, I am at peace. I have days that are hard and it is difficult dealing with my overwhelming feelings. However, I am not anxious or sad today. I feel strong and willing to let God into my heart. It is quite the feeling to have a deeper inner peace without jealousy and sadness. Thank you to those of you that helped me through the rough weekend and made me feel normal again. You will never know how your words, hugs, and prayers helped me get to a better place. Onward I go!
-Lisa-
Isaiah 40:31 "Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength..."
I love to look at the literal translation of words in God's Word. You can learn so much when you know what the writer had in mind when he took pen to paper. Look what I found about what the word "wait" really means:
"A straining of the mind in a certain direction with an expectant attitude...a forward look with assurance."
Waiting is not passive at all! It is active (in fact, too much so)! If you feel weary of this fight, and need to gain new strength, this Scripture literally tells you what to do (at least it did me): WAIT! Don't wait like you may have previously thought about waiting--you know, sitting around doing nothing. Wait like the Word tell us to. Strain your mind toward God with an expectant attitude, looking forward with assurance (key word)!
How do I do this, I ask myself? How do I wait like God tells us? I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow to find out!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a side note, after a rough few days, I am at peace. I have days that are hard and it is difficult dealing with my overwhelming feelings. However, I am not anxious or sad today. I feel strong and willing to let God into my heart. It is quite the feeling to have a deeper inner peace without jealousy and sadness. Thank you to those of you that helped me through the rough weekend and made me feel normal again. You will never know how your words, hugs, and prayers helped me get to a better place. Onward I go!
-Lisa-
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Jealousy
When I start to feel heartbroken, I have lots of choices. I talk to Jeremy and my mom, I read God's word, I cry alone, and I read. One of my favorite books to read is Beth Forbus's Baby Hunger. This was emailed from her today and helped, even just a little bit. It isn't easy feeling alone in my pain. It isn't easy covering my real feelings day in and day out. It isn't easy to see so many happy families around me when that is all I want. It is even harder to see families or mothers that just complain about their "hard" lives...I would DIE for that "hard" life. It is so hard to stop the hate and resentment that builds in my heart. I am glad that I am not the only one that has to pray to suppress those horrible feelings of jealousy. When God enters my thoughts and heart, I feel healed. So here are Beth's words...
“…I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”
John 10:10
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!
Philippians 4:4
Once you discover that your desired pregnancy will be delayed, an amazing thing happens! People around you become “stupid”! They do stupid things like ask you to hand out the gifts at church on Mother’s Day since you won’t be participating. They make such stupid comments! Oh, the comments! “I just think about my husband and the morning sickness starts!” When you realize that you aren’t quite as fertile as the other branches of your family tree, you’ll find out within one weekend that your best friend, your co-worker and your sister-in-law are all pregnant! Your cousin gripes to you about how uncomfortable she is in her 37th week of pregnancy. Everyone is pregnant. Everyone but you.
You’re amazed at the apparent insensitivity of the fertile world. You’re amazed at the anger and jealousy taking root in your infertile heart. Relationships with people you have adored for an entire lifetime become strained. Their greatest source of joy has become a constant reminder of what you have so longed for yet cannot obtain.
As you stand face to face with the issue of infertility, many choices are ripped away from you. The choice of when to have children, perhaps the choice of how many children to have, the choice of keeping your problem private. Other choices are so difficult. Do we consult a doctor? How far do we go with treatment? What do we give up to pay for medical treatment? Do we adopt? However, there is a crucial area where you do have the ultimate choice. Will I choose joy or will I allow infertility to dictate my mindset and the attitude of my heart? Christ came that we may have life and have it more abundantly. We’re told to rejoice, and the writer is so adamant that we rejoice that he just has to repeat himself—“Again, I say rejoice!” If you’re feeling weak, the joy of the Lord is your strength. Our weaknesses showcase Christ’s ability to be our perfected strength.
Does this mean that you should never cry or feel down? Absolutely not. Our Savior was a man full of emotions and the Bible even says He was acquainted with grief and bore our sorrows (Isaiah 53:4). It does mean that you can choose to let Christ carry those sorrows and choose the joy that runs deeper than simple situational happiness. Peace that is so strong and doesn’t make sense considering your trial is yours for the taking. You can choose to accept the offer of abundant life provided by Jesus Christ Himself, or choose a life of despondency, jealousy and discouragement.
Easy? Not always. But the choice, my friend, is yours.
(Taken from Baby Hunger: Biblical Encouragement for Those Struggling with Infertility by Beth Forbus.)
-Lisa-
“…I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”
John 10:10
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!
Philippians 4:4
Once you discover that your desired pregnancy will be delayed, an amazing thing happens! People around you become “stupid”! They do stupid things like ask you to hand out the gifts at church on Mother’s Day since you won’t be participating. They make such stupid comments! Oh, the comments! “I just think about my husband and the morning sickness starts!” When you realize that you aren’t quite as fertile as the other branches of your family tree, you’ll find out within one weekend that your best friend, your co-worker and your sister-in-law are all pregnant! Your cousin gripes to you about how uncomfortable she is in her 37th week of pregnancy. Everyone is pregnant. Everyone but you.
You’re amazed at the apparent insensitivity of the fertile world. You’re amazed at the anger and jealousy taking root in your infertile heart. Relationships with people you have adored for an entire lifetime become strained. Their greatest source of joy has become a constant reminder of what you have so longed for yet cannot obtain.
As you stand face to face with the issue of infertility, many choices are ripped away from you. The choice of when to have children, perhaps the choice of how many children to have, the choice of keeping your problem private. Other choices are so difficult. Do we consult a doctor? How far do we go with treatment? What do we give up to pay for medical treatment? Do we adopt? However, there is a crucial area where you do have the ultimate choice. Will I choose joy or will I allow infertility to dictate my mindset and the attitude of my heart? Christ came that we may have life and have it more abundantly. We’re told to rejoice, and the writer is so adamant that we rejoice that he just has to repeat himself—“Again, I say rejoice!” If you’re feeling weak, the joy of the Lord is your strength. Our weaknesses showcase Christ’s ability to be our perfected strength.
Does this mean that you should never cry or feel down? Absolutely not. Our Savior was a man full of emotions and the Bible even says He was acquainted with grief and bore our sorrows (Isaiah 53:4). It does mean that you can choose to let Christ carry those sorrows and choose the joy that runs deeper than simple situational happiness. Peace that is so strong and doesn’t make sense considering your trial is yours for the taking. You can choose to accept the offer of abundant life provided by Jesus Christ Himself, or choose a life of despondency, jealousy and discouragement.
Easy? Not always. But the choice, my friend, is yours.
(Taken from Baby Hunger: Biblical Encouragement for Those Struggling with Infertility by Beth Forbus.)
-Lisa-
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Changes
I think change is the hardest thing to endure as a human being. We are creatures of habit. When our habit is disrupted, it is quite a blow to our routines.
Just the thought of changes develops tiny, fluttering monarchs in my stomach. However, change can be SO good! All of the great things in my life have had something to do with change. So why is it so scary?!
Changes for the Good:
I have been praying fervently recently to have God show me the way in my career. I have been actively looking for a new district for a couple of years. I love teaching my kids in Raytown and the lovely people I work with, but there are changes on the horizon.
Applying for other jobs was just that...applying. I wasn't really taking them as serious options. BUT now, I see that I am going to be making decisions to change my world...again!
I know that God knows where I am supposed to be and He will show me the right time to CHANGE. It doesn't make it easy though.
However, I will say that these changes on the horizon have taken the focus off of infertility even if only for a brief time.
I am trying to let God lead the way and show me the right changes to make in my life. As we all should. I want every change that is made be something that honors Him and His plan for me.
-Lisa-
Just the thought of changes develops tiny, fluttering monarchs in my stomach. However, change can be SO good! All of the great things in my life have had something to do with change. So why is it so scary?!
Changes for the Good:
- I moved to Lincoln, NE to go to college where I knew no one. I met amazing people there and learned that athletic training in NOT for me. It showed me that I was supposed to teach.
- I moved home from Lincoln, NE and met even more amazing people from UMKC. I also found my niche.
- My heart was broken for the first time. It only made me stronger. It also opened the door for the best man in the world, Jeremy, to come into my life.
- My marriage and sharing a home with someone was a HUGE adjustment!
- Moving away from south of the river and being "forced" to live north was a welcomed change. I love it up here!
- Living through infertility is quite a different life than I expected.
- And finally...where to go from here?
I have been praying fervently recently to have God show me the way in my career. I have been actively looking for a new district for a couple of years. I love teaching my kids in Raytown and the lovely people I work with, but there are changes on the horizon.
Applying for other jobs was just that...applying. I wasn't really taking them as serious options. BUT now, I see that I am going to be making decisions to change my world...again!
I know that God knows where I am supposed to be and He will show me the right time to CHANGE. It doesn't make it easy though.
However, I will say that these changes on the horizon have taken the focus off of infertility even if only for a brief time.
I am trying to let God lead the way and show me the right changes to make in my life. As we all should. I want every change that is made be something that honors Him and His plan for me.
-Lisa-
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Darkness
First of all, I am SUPER stoked to be down 7.6 pounds on Weight Watchers. It is suprisingly easy to follow. However, Jeremy has lost 6 pounds and he isn't even following it like I am. He is just eating my cooking! So frustrating how men lose so much quicker than women. Ugh!
I read this passage last night and this made me think of how this passage can be intrepreted.
John 1:5 says "The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." I have read this passage before without attaching much feeling or emotion to it. Last night was different.
Infertility can be a very dark time in life. I know that this is the case for us. This time of darkness is hard to comprehend as well. We struggle with lots of questions surrounding our infertility. Should we continue the same fertility treatment? Should we look into saving for in vitro? Is it our time to consider adoption?
My family is always great to remind me that I need to trust in God and nothing else. However, it is so hard to see answers in the dark. I need light to shine in my surroundings to know where to turn. I immediately thought this when reading John 1 last night.
This thought provoked me to read more. Jesus said "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life" in John 8:12. He has promised to be with me through all of life's joys and sorrows.
Isn't that great? For all of us? Even when I have found myself in the dark the last two and half years, I know that the Light of the World is with me.
He promises to shine His light even in this darkness of infertility.
-Lisa-
I read this passage last night and this made me think of how this passage can be intrepreted.
John 1:5 says "The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." I have read this passage before without attaching much feeling or emotion to it. Last night was different.
Infertility can be a very dark time in life. I know that this is the case for us. This time of darkness is hard to comprehend as well. We struggle with lots of questions surrounding our infertility. Should we continue the same fertility treatment? Should we look into saving for in vitro? Is it our time to consider adoption?
My family is always great to remind me that I need to trust in God and nothing else. However, it is so hard to see answers in the dark. I need light to shine in my surroundings to know where to turn. I immediately thought this when reading John 1 last night.
This thought provoked me to read more. Jesus said "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life" in John 8:12. He has promised to be with me through all of life's joys and sorrows.
Isn't that great? For all of us? Even when I have found myself in the dark the last two and half years, I know that the Light of the World is with me.
He promises to shine His light even in this darkness of infertility.
-Lisa-
Saturday, January 21, 2012
We are not alone in our pain
This video is amazing. It puts it in perspective of the pain that so many are suffering through. What ever we are going through, we are not alone. Our pain is not unique. There is always someone that relates. I also love that all of these women and men are placing their love and trust in God. So empowering!
-Lisa-
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