I have talked about how difficult infertility decision-making can be. We had to decide to do every treatment and when. We had to decide when enough was enough to take a break. We had to decide to tell people our struggle rather than keep it private. All of our decisions have taken time and contemplation. We haven't made a brash decision dealing with our journey to a baby. It actually seems like most of our time is centered around infertility decisions. Heck, the other day I was stressed about making the decision to take fertility supplements during our break because it couldn't hurt anything. But we are constantly moving forward and figuring everything out as we go.
Sometimes I feel so wrapped up into decisions, questions, answers that I lose myself. Infertility can cause such chaos in my mind and heart. I have good days where I am strong. But I also have days where all I think about is conception and nothing else. I really do get tired of making all the right choices. Childbearing is such a beautiful, intimate event in the natural course of a marriage. Not for us. Our course is a series of schedules, decisions, and so far, failure.
In church yesterday, it was said to Be still and know that God is God.
I realize that I don't have to let infertility take control. I don't have to panic when life doesn't pan out the way I dreamed it would. All because God is God. With Him, there is no reason for me to panic, stress, worry, or be all-consumed. Be still, Lisa.
The next 9 months of our break from treatment could be really good for us. They could be stress-free and relaxing. However, knowing me, I will still be disappointed and let down each and every month. I just need the strength to remain positive and patient (Be Still) with my eyes of Him.
-Lisa-
Monday, August 6, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Is it Really Possible to Move On?
I have dedicated this blog to writing about our infertility struggles to educate and inspire others but also as a coping mechanism for myself. I feel like the blog has helped me if not someone else. What I am struggling with is how I move forward. I am facing a good 10 months before we are going to go through another IVF (in-vitro) cycle. (I know it is a long "break" but the school year dictates our plan.)
So...what should I focus on? How do I move on? What will I write about? Do I dwell on what should have been? Do I dwell on how much our situation sucks? Do I get angry because we have to "buy" our baby where others can have theirs for free?
I am stuck.
Amid the swirling thoughts in my forever-running mind, I can't help but be a bit bitter. (That last phrase is filled with b's!) I am angry. I am sad. When I think too much about the disappointment, it makes me depressed. I hate when I allow myself to get to that point. I especially hate it when I allow myself to let jealousy take over. I can't help but look at growing bellies and growing families and feel horrible about myself.
But I really want to move on. So, when I can feel the anger and jealousy taking over, I focus on all of the things I should be thankful for. God has blessed Jeremy and I with an amazing life together. We have a house, we have jobs, we have fairly functioning vehicles, we have an awesome family, we have two adorable furbabies, we have amazing friends, we have the means to travel and enjoy life, and most importantly, we have our faith in Him.
So with all of these blessings...why do I struggle with moving past this one deficit of infertility? I should just be happy with what we do have instead of focusing on what we don't.
I know that with God on my side...I can "move on." I know that with His guidance that I will be able to focus my energy into a productive and positive outlet. Granted, I know that our infertility is always going to be a part of me. It doesn't go away and I don't think it ever will leave me entirely. But I am hoping that I can use the next 10 months as a way to de-stress, re-focus, be less angry, and to get rid of my jealous thoughts.
We shall see if I can accomplish this goal, and hopefully it is possible to move on.
-Lisa-
So...what should I focus on? How do I move on? What will I write about? Do I dwell on what should have been? Do I dwell on how much our situation sucks? Do I get angry because we have to "buy" our baby where others can have theirs for free?
I am stuck.
Amid the swirling thoughts in my forever-running mind, I can't help but be a bit bitter. (That last phrase is filled with b's!) I am angry. I am sad. When I think too much about the disappointment, it makes me depressed. I hate when I allow myself to get to that point. I especially hate it when I allow myself to let jealousy take over. I can't help but look at growing bellies and growing families and feel horrible about myself.
But I really want to move on. So, when I can feel the anger and jealousy taking over, I focus on all of the things I should be thankful for. God has blessed Jeremy and I with an amazing life together. We have a house, we have jobs, we have fairly functioning vehicles, we have an awesome family, we have two adorable furbabies, we have amazing friends, we have the means to travel and enjoy life, and most importantly, we have our faith in Him.
So with all of these blessings...why do I struggle with moving past this one deficit of infertility? I should just be happy with what we do have instead of focusing on what we don't.
I know that with God on my side...I can "move on." I know that with His guidance that I will be able to focus my energy into a productive and positive outlet. Granted, I know that our infertility is always going to be a part of me. It doesn't go away and I don't think it ever will leave me entirely. But I am hoping that I can use the next 10 months as a way to de-stress, re-focus, be less angry, and to get rid of my jealous thoughts.
We shall see if I can accomplish this goal, and hopefully it is possible to move on.
-Lisa-
Monday, July 16, 2012
US + Vegas = New Perspective
Most people wouldn't consider Las Vegas a good place to clear your head and relax. But in our case, it was a trip that we desperately needed to take. They had record breaking heat in Vegas as well as rain which they haven't had in months. It didn't matter, we still had a blast!
Here is what Vegas has done for us:
1. Allowed us to focus on us instead of babies and fertility
2. Allowed us to relax
3. Allowed us to communicate how each of us felt about the IVF failure
4. Allowed us to have fun
5. Allowed us to strengthen our relationship
6. Allowed us to refocus our energy and get a new perspective
We really do love each other. I knew that I loved Jeremy. I even knew that he loved me. But there was always that fear that he will reject me if I can't give him a child but I know now that he loves me for me and not for the possible family I can give him. We talked a lot about the next step for us and we are pleasantly undecided.
We want to take some time for us. Dr. Kim encouraged us to take time as well. We have been through a lot and neither of us are emotionally ready for continuing the craziness. So at the doctor appointment today, we decided to do nothing. Yep, nothing. No treatments. No shots. No worries. No doctors. No ultrasounds. No pills. And hopefully no stress.
We are going to enjoy married life for awhile and talked about doing IVF again next spring when I won't be at the beginning of a school year (which, sadly, is quickly approaching). There are many benefits of life without children for us right now. Unlike our friends, we can do whatever we want, whenever we want, without worrying about a babysitter. We can pick up and go to Vegas on a week's notice. We can sleep in. We can nap in the middle of the day. Now we can enjoy the bliss of life without children.
Don't get me wrong...we cannot wait for the day when we can hold our babies. But for now, we are happy with where we are at. We know that God is in control and so we are going to try our best to be PATIENT. Something I haven't mastered yet but will continue to try without getting frustrated.
Here is yet another Youtube video that touched me. It is by a blogger who has decided to re-focus her infertility into something positive. I am striving to do the same.
 |
| New York New York (Our Hotel) |
 |
| At Hoover Dam |
 |
| I love this man so much! |
Here is what Vegas has done for us:
1. Allowed us to focus on us instead of babies and fertility
2. Allowed us to relax
3. Allowed us to communicate how each of us felt about the IVF failure
4. Allowed us to have fun
5. Allowed us to strengthen our relationship
6. Allowed us to refocus our energy and get a new perspective
We really do love each other. I knew that I loved Jeremy. I even knew that he loved me. But there was always that fear that he will reject me if I can't give him a child but I know now that he loves me for me and not for the possible family I can give him. We talked a lot about the next step for us and we are pleasantly undecided.
We want to take some time for us. Dr. Kim encouraged us to take time as well. We have been through a lot and neither of us are emotionally ready for continuing the craziness. So at the doctor appointment today, we decided to do nothing. Yep, nothing. No treatments. No shots. No worries. No doctors. No ultrasounds. No pills. And hopefully no stress.
We are going to enjoy married life for awhile and talked about doing IVF again next spring when I won't be at the beginning of a school year (which, sadly, is quickly approaching). There are many benefits of life without children for us right now. Unlike our friends, we can do whatever we want, whenever we want, without worrying about a babysitter. We can pick up and go to Vegas on a week's notice. We can sleep in. We can nap in the middle of the day. Now we can enjoy the bliss of life without children.
Don't get me wrong...we cannot wait for the day when we can hold our babies. But for now, we are happy with where we are at. We know that God is in control and so we are going to try our best to be PATIENT. Something I haven't mastered yet but will continue to try without getting frustrated.
Here is yet another Youtube video that touched me. It is by a blogger who has decided to re-focus her infertility into something positive. I am striving to do the same.
-Lisa-
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Holy June! I am glad you are over!
I know that one day (hopefully soon), I will be able to look back at this horrific month and see that it was all meant to be. To be honest though, the last month has really SUCKED! No apologies, it really has. God has a plan and purpose for us but I could have done without the craziness from June 9 to present.
Let's see...40+ needles jabbed into my stomach. About 10 uncomfortable ultrasounds. About 15 needles of lab work. Countless hours spent waiting at the doctor's office. Days of agonizing waiting. Buckets of tears. Two weeks of suffering with the worst pain ever with OHSS. Ten pounds of fluid gain from leaking ovaries. One hospital stay. And one giant BFN (in infertility world that is Big Fat Negative on a pregnancy test).
Yea, I could have done without that.
And this...(my IV bruise from hospital stay, although getting better, I look like a battered woman.)
All of this will have a purpose of some kind. We don't know why things turned out the way they did. And we don't know why I had to suffer so much. I could eat myself up with the doubts and what-ifs but then I would be dishonoring my God and my faith in Him. I KNOW that this is meant to be. Months or years down the road we will look back at this month and see that it was for His purpose. Whether this last month has altered our minds, hearts, path, etc. Or whether the last month leaves us loving each other as husband and wife more.
With all of the above listed "lovelies' of our IVF journey, there is one thing that I just found completely unfair. (Yes, more unfair than the 40+ needles and a negative pregnancy test.)
What hurt me the most is kind of silly. Suffering with moderate-severe OHSS causes my abdomen to fill with fluid which makes my stomach distended. I looked and still kind of look pregnant. (My sister told me to take a picture of the belly but I couldn't bring myself to doing it.) It is filled out and hard just like a pregnant belly. My pants wouldn't fit right and my stomach hurt at the shear thought of moving. So like a pregnant woman, I would hold my belly in my hands. I would stare at it and hold it. All the while dreaming of a day when that fluid is replaced with a miracle from God. I know it is silly...but the hurt of an empty "pregnant" belly is by far the worst thing to happen in the last month.
But I am OK. We are OK. We don't know what the next step is. And right now, I don't even think the next step involves fertility treatments. For now, our next step is enjoying each other. We leave for Las Vegas in a few days (it was our gift to each other for surviving the last month). Who knows...we may adopt...we may be foster parents...or we may be just crazy enough to try this roller coaster ride again!
We have so much appreciated all of the support and prayers from our friends, family, and perfect strangers that have reached out and touched our lives. We are not out of this fight but we are taking a break from the action for awhile.
-Lisa-
Let's see...40+ needles jabbed into my stomach. About 10 uncomfortable ultrasounds. About 15 needles of lab work. Countless hours spent waiting at the doctor's office. Days of agonizing waiting. Buckets of tears. Two weeks of suffering with the worst pain ever with OHSS. Ten pounds of fluid gain from leaking ovaries. One hospital stay. And one giant BFN (in infertility world that is Big Fat Negative on a pregnancy test).
Yea, I could have done without that.
And this...(my IV bruise from hospital stay, although getting better, I look like a battered woman.)
With all of the above listed "lovelies' of our IVF journey, there is one thing that I just found completely unfair. (Yes, more unfair than the 40+ needles and a negative pregnancy test.)
What hurt me the most is kind of silly. Suffering with moderate-severe OHSS causes my abdomen to fill with fluid which makes my stomach distended. I looked and still kind of look pregnant. (My sister told me to take a picture of the belly but I couldn't bring myself to doing it.) It is filled out and hard just like a pregnant belly. My pants wouldn't fit right and my stomach hurt at the shear thought of moving. So like a pregnant woman, I would hold my belly in my hands. I would stare at it and hold it. All the while dreaming of a day when that fluid is replaced with a miracle from God. I know it is silly...but the hurt of an empty "pregnant" belly is by far the worst thing to happen in the last month.
But I am OK. We are OK. We don't know what the next step is. And right now, I don't even think the next step involves fertility treatments. For now, our next step is enjoying each other. We leave for Las Vegas in a few days (it was our gift to each other for surviving the last month). Who knows...we may adopt...we may be foster parents...or we may be just crazy enough to try this roller coaster ride again!
We have so much appreciated all of the support and prayers from our friends, family, and perfect strangers that have reached out and touched our lives. We are not out of this fight but we are taking a break from the action for awhile.
-Lisa-
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Need prayers please!
I need prayers. I am suffering with a moderate case of OHSS caused by all of the IVF stimulation. Here is a link that gives details of symptoms and what causes this if you are interested:OHSS-IVF
The doctors are monitoring me closely but I am in a lot of pain right now and on strict rest. During this time, I have had time to reflect and pray. (And also search the Internet for encouragement!)
I wanted to post this video a couple days ago but Jeremy and I couldn't figure it out so I am putting a link to it. It is what I want to say to all of you but don't say it quite as eloquently as this. Here is the link: Please Watch This Video!! It is amazing and so true to our journey!
And lastly, this song has allowed me to follow God's plan even if I don't like it. I will do what He wants for our life. And again thanks for prayers and thoughts.
-Lisa-
The doctors are monitoring me closely but I am in a lot of pain right now and on strict rest. During this time, I have had time to reflect and pray. (And also search the Internet for encouragement!)
I wanted to post this video a couple days ago but Jeremy and I couldn't figure it out so I am putting a link to it. It is what I want to say to all of you but don't say it quite as eloquently as this. Here is the link: Please Watch This Video!! It is amazing and so true to our journey!
And lastly, this song has allowed me to follow God's plan even if I don't like it. I will do what He wants for our life. And again thanks for prayers and thoughts.
-Lisa-
Friday, June 22, 2012
Roller Coasters Have Dips Too!
One thing I wanted to do when I started this blog was to be real and honest...both with myself and anyone who read my posts. I realized that there was a huge risk for me by doing this. I would share defeats and successes. People that read this blog got to see how there are so many ups and downs when going through something like this. Every couple that goes through fertility treatments experiences something like we have. Sometimes the highs and lows come in one day or one hour on the infertility journey! I have heard of positive pregnancy tests in the morning that end with chemical pregnancy in the evening. You never know what comes next...
First of all, before I continue, I know that God loves us. I know that He knows what He is doing with our lives. There is no doubt in that. With that being said, today was filled with extreme highs and heartbreaking lows.
The previous post highlighted the highest of high. I know that God showed me today's miracle to re-strengthen my faith in Him and His plan. I needed to see hope when all else seemed hopeless. He knew that. He also knew that it wasn't meant to be.
In IVF, everything is planned out to a "T." My doctor couldn't plan everything out because my body reacted in a way that wasn't expected or heard of. While anxiously waiting to take my HcG trigger shot tonight, my body began to ovulate on its own. With this happening, we are unable to correctly plan for an egg retrieval. Therefore, we are officially cancelled. For real this time.
This is a tough time for Jeremy and I. We so much appreciate the love, prayers, support, and friendship that all of you have shown. We are both in a bit of mourning now. Mourning the loss of an opportunity more than anything. But we will be fine.
One thing I don't want is for you to feel uncomfortable by reading so much about our life. We have chosen to speak out when so many suffer in silence. God's plan is in full effect. We don't understand why or how He operates but we don't need to. We just need to have faith that He will create more miracles for us.
Dr. Kim called me at 11pm tonight and sounded upset himself. "Lisa, you tried so hard. You really did. We wanted it to work so badly. We will try again and have success."
So we are praying to heal our hearts and focus our minds on the next step...all the while waiting for God's Will to be shown.
-Lisa-
First of all, before I continue, I know that God loves us. I know that He knows what He is doing with our lives. There is no doubt in that. With that being said, today was filled with extreme highs and heartbreaking lows.
The previous post highlighted the highest of high. I know that God showed me today's miracle to re-strengthen my faith in Him and His plan. I needed to see hope when all else seemed hopeless. He knew that. He also knew that it wasn't meant to be.
In IVF, everything is planned out to a "T." My doctor couldn't plan everything out because my body reacted in a way that wasn't expected or heard of. While anxiously waiting to take my HcG trigger shot tonight, my body began to ovulate on its own. With this happening, we are unable to correctly plan for an egg retrieval. Therefore, we are officially cancelled. For real this time.
This is a tough time for Jeremy and I. We so much appreciate the love, prayers, support, and friendship that all of you have shown. We are both in a bit of mourning now. Mourning the loss of an opportunity more than anything. But we will be fine.
One thing I don't want is for you to feel uncomfortable by reading so much about our life. We have chosen to speak out when so many suffer in silence. God's plan is in full effect. We don't understand why or how He operates but we don't need to. We just need to have faith that He will create more miracles for us.
Dr. Kim called me at 11pm tonight and sounded upset himself. "Lisa, you tried so hard. You really did. We wanted it to work so badly. We will try again and have success."
So we are praying to heal our hearts and focus our minds on the next step...all the while waiting for God's Will to be shown.
-Lisa-
Wow...How Things Can Change!!
Real conversation with Dr. Kim this morning:
"Are you a spiritual person, Lisa?"
"Yes, very much so."
"Well, there has to be some of that mixed in because I have no reasoning to explain what has happened."
"What do you mean?"
"I think we can do IVF now. You have caught up to where you should be without meds. Your levels and follicle size are enough that we can continue. It may be risky since it has taken awhile to get you to this level but I am willing to do this. Are you?"
"Umm...YES! (insert happy tears here) How often does this happen?"
"Never."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just want to shout from the rooftop how amazing MY GOD is! Although this week has been incredibly stressful, I have had an oddly calm demeanor. I am one that freaks out when I am stressed. I worry. I google symptoms. I have to control things. On Monday when we officially lost IVF, I cried. But then oddly snapped out of it pretty quickly. Jeremy and I went shopping and spent the next two days together. I didn't obsess about it but we did pray. I know that God listened to our hearts. Even if this cycle isn't successful, I know that God will help and guide us to a better place.
If anything, Jeremy and I are closer than we have ever been. We have been together for close to 8 years and married for nearly 4 years. We obviously love each other. However, this infertility chapter of our life has brought us closer. At the beginning of infertility 3 years ago, I thought that if we didn't have a baby that it would be the end of our world. I know now that we are both in this for the long haul. So again, Thank You GOD!! This journey has brought us closer and made our marriage stronger.
_______________________________________________
So, where do we go from here? Well, my levels are still not ideal. Usually you get between 10-15 eggs at retrieval. He is estimating me to get around 7 or 8 eggs but the scary part is that we have no idea the quality of those eggs until they are fertilized in the laboratory. It is a gamble...a huge one. With a lot of thought and prayer, we are continuing. It may not work...but it also might which is the hope I need to go forward. God is with us no matter what happens.
I will take my "trigger shot" tonight at 8:30pm.
Then we go in for egg retrieval Sunday morning.
Keep the prayer chain going. I know that God hears you and today was proof of that! Praise and thank Him for everything He has done and will do for all of us.
-Lisa-
"Are you a spiritual person, Lisa?"
"Yes, very much so."
"Well, there has to be some of that mixed in because I have no reasoning to explain what has happened."
"What do you mean?"
"I think we can do IVF now. You have caught up to where you should be without meds. Your levels and follicle size are enough that we can continue. It may be risky since it has taken awhile to get you to this level but I am willing to do this. Are you?"
"Umm...YES! (insert happy tears here) How often does this happen?"
"Never."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just want to shout from the rooftop how amazing MY GOD is! Although this week has been incredibly stressful, I have had an oddly calm demeanor. I am one that freaks out when I am stressed. I worry. I google symptoms. I have to control things. On Monday when we officially lost IVF, I cried. But then oddly snapped out of it pretty quickly. Jeremy and I went shopping and spent the next two days together. I didn't obsess about it but we did pray. I know that God listened to our hearts. Even if this cycle isn't successful, I know that God will help and guide us to a better place.
If anything, Jeremy and I are closer than we have ever been. We have been together for close to 8 years and married for nearly 4 years. We obviously love each other. However, this infertility chapter of our life has brought us closer. At the beginning of infertility 3 years ago, I thought that if we didn't have a baby that it would be the end of our world. I know now that we are both in this for the long haul. So again, Thank You GOD!! This journey has brought us closer and made our marriage stronger.
_______________________________________________
So, where do we go from here? Well, my levels are still not ideal. Usually you get between 10-15 eggs at retrieval. He is estimating me to get around 7 or 8 eggs but the scary part is that we have no idea the quality of those eggs until they are fertilized in the laboratory. It is a gamble...a huge one. With a lot of thought and prayer, we are continuing. It may not work...but it also might which is the hope I need to go forward. God is with us no matter what happens.
I will take my "trigger shot" tonight at 8:30pm.
Then we go in for egg retrieval Sunday morning.
Keep the prayer chain going. I know that God hears you and today was proof of that! Praise and thank Him for everything He has done and will do for all of us.
-Lisa-
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