Doctor Visit From You Know Where

I met with Dr. Kim today. I went by myself right after work. Jeremy and I talked ahead of time and like we shouldn't do...planned out our next step of fertility drugs. I had it set in my mind exactly what I would ask, what I would suggest, and what our plan was.

Boy...did all of that go out the window quick. It was an emotional doctor's visit to say the least. I am an emotional person to begin with and add a few life-altering thoughts and I might spontaneously combust. Dr. Kim said something like this, "Well, Lisa, we need to reevaluate our plan. I strongly recommend we try IVF (for those that don't know, in-vitro fertilization) instead of wasting time and money on another insemination. You are at the point in this process where we are just wasting time on IUI (intra-uterine insemination). Last year, I wasn't worried about you because on paper you and Jeremy look very healthy. But, I am concerned and think we need to switch up your plan."

My questions, suggestions and plan seemed to be a butterfly floating away slowly. My mind raced and tears welled in my eyes. Dr. Kim kept talking but it was like I was having an out of body experience. IVF wasn't a part of my plan. Our plan. And why is he concerned? What is wrong?

You know when you are trying to hold back tears but also trying to talk? It comes out as blubbering. You come across as an idiot. Well, that was me. I sobbed while trying to explain how I wanted something to be wrong so bad so he could fix it. I am sick and tired of being "normal" but no closer to being a Mom. I wanted to give up but at the same time just spend our life's savings on this new plan of his.

Talking to Jeremy seemed to ease my mind a bit. He is the rational one. I know that is a HUGE shocker to those that know us (insert sarcasm here)! Together we will make the right choice for us. We have a lot to discuss but the rational me who wanted to just stop after the next IUI is starting to see that IVF may not be so bad. Yes, it is more expensive but the success rate is about 40% higher than IUI.

So I again, am asking for prayers. Prayers that we make the right choice for us and that God will show us the right path to take. I know I have talked about the path of infertility before and am anxious to see where this fork in the road leads.

-Lisa-

Not Knowing...But SO GREAT

How boring would life be if we could see exactly what was going to happen to us? No, really...Most days, I admit, I wish I knew exactly how everything was going to pan out. Especially when it comes to seeing our family. But isn't that boring?

If I knew all of the things that would happen to me in life before they actually happened, what do I have to look forward to? I would have never had the experiences I have had or taken the risks that I have taken. I would have never LIVED life to the fullest because I would just sit around waiting for the inevitable events in my story.

Instead, we get to live our life. Sometimes we go into a situation blind and sometimes we go into a situation with little information. It is life's little surprises that make life exciting and worth living.

Imagine if I knew this...
 OK, Lisa...you are going to graduate from UMKC and be a teacher. (I would've never struggled to find my niche or gone to UNL.) You will meet a man named Jeremy and you will get married. (I would have never fallen in love with anyone else or found out what works and doesn't work in relationships.)

Why take risks in life? Why make plans? Why do anything?

I do have a point to my rambling. I don't know what is going to happen next year. I don't know what is going to happen next month or next week...heck, I don't know what is going to happen in the next minute! And truthfully, I don't want to know. God doesn't want me to know either.

So whatever we are going through is part of the plan. We don't know what is going to be around the next twist or turn in life. But that is part of the journey. It kind of makes me a bit more excited for what is to come. Of course, I am curious but I will look back and be SO glad that I didn't know what comes next.

-Lisa-

Here We Go Again (But with Hesitations)

Just a quick post today.

I finally made a decision. We are going to do another IUI cycle in June. I am not looking forward to it, though. The stress and strain that my body is going to go through is not pleasant. The emotional roller coaster that I will be put on mixed with the task of needles, lots of needles, mixed with the fear of another failure will have me going completely insane. However, there is that glimmer of hope that this will be the one...the one that brings the infertility chapter of my life to a close. Jeremy is very optimistic about the upcoming cycle. I can't help but be reserved and realistic.

I am not scared of it NOT working...I am more terrified that it will work and we suffer another loss. By far the hardest part of this journey has been losing pregnancies. I know some people believe that life is not life until birth...I, however, grieve the life that didn't make it to birth. It was life to us.

So many couples and women experience a miscarriage. It seems to be such an easy thing for outsiders who haven't ever dealt with losing a pregnancy. Yes, we haven't met the baby. Yes, we haven't named the baby. And yes, in some cases never even knew we were pregnant before the baby was gone. But it doesn't change the fact that it hurts. It hurts to know that you were so close to your family dream. We question what we could have done differently that would have allowed that being to thrive and grow inside of us. We question God and wonder what His plan is for us.

I know that if we are going to do this next cycle, I have to change my fears and become more optimistic. I have to pray and put my faith in God. This is easier said than done for a control-worrier like me. So I appreciate your prayers as we embark on this new journey again. The end of June I will surely need some extra thoughts and so will Jeremy because he has to deal with the hormone mess that I will become!

-Lisa-

The Path of Infertility

24 pounds gone! Back in January it seemed like a LOOOONNNNNGGGG journey to getting fit. Now I am 26 pounds away from my ultimate goal. At the beginning of the journey, the path to the goal seemed so distant and unachievable. I feel great about my weight loss journey and I will not give up. I am also NOT going back the "fat road" again. I even packed up a bag for Goodwill to get rid of the fat clothes so I cannot go back. All my friends, years down the road if you see me going down the fat path...tell me please!

The journeys that we take in life are strange. Infertility is really just a chapter in the story of my life. It isn't going to last forever and it isn't going to define who I am. But it is a journey. I think back as Jeremy and I stood at the beginning of the infertility path and wondered what the end of the path had in store for us... What does the path look like? What will it take to get to the end?

There are and have been many twists and turns.  We can't see if we are at the beginning or nearing the end.  I just know we cannot get off this path.  We must follow it until it ends.

Imagine with me...
What do we see?  We see the thorns of infertility all around us. Thorns on the right side of the path, thorns on the left side.   We see them all alongside the path behind us, and all alongside the path in front of us. If we step on one, the injury would cause great pain and make it harder for us to continue on our journey.

But look! There’s a shortcut! That path has flowers instead of thorns! The only problem is that we must walk through the thorns to reach that path. Oh, the pain those thorns could cause. Is it worth it?

There are so many questions, so many “what if’s” along the path to potential parenthood. Each one is like a thorn in the way.

What if I go the wrong way? What if I get lost? What if I can’t find my way out of the woods?
What if I choose the wrong treatment? What if our savings is lost? What if I can’t find my way back to God after the way I’ve spoken to or about Him? What if there is an adopted child out there to whom I cannot find my way? What if we consent to IVF and it fails? What if my marriage fails? What if there is another diagnosis? What if my husband says ‘no more’? What if I conceive and lose a child? What if we make the wrong choice as to what doctor to go to? What if…? What if…? What if?

The burden of making so many life-changing decisions in the midst of such stress can be so overwhelming!  We gather as much information as we possibly can, yet we still cannot understand the medical jargon or even the financial statements. The pressure is mounting!

We desperately need a guide down this path. Sometimes it is easy to see which way to turn. Other times the thorns are hidden among the foliage and they catch you by surprise. Who can help us navigate this unknown territory?

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Here’s the good news.  We don’t have to worry about what is next! In fact, God tells us not to! Don’t trust in our own understanding.  I know that there are times when my understanding of a situation is not accurate!

Trust God! I need to trust Him with all my heart! I need to trust Him with our future, with my body, with our family. He’ll direct me down this path of infertility. 

-Lisa-

Decisions, Decisions

I knew it was time to write a blog post but as I sat down to a blinking cursor, I couldn't think of what to say. So like many decisions in my life, I asked my husband, Jeremy. He said just write about what you want. That would mean I would have to make a decision...something I am not the best at. In fact, choosing our date night dinner location is a struggle. It frustrates Jeremy that I don't know where I want to eat but I seem to have a reason not to go to any of the locations he suggests.

Right now, I am faced with a difficult decision in my career. Do I leave the school that has been my home for six years? Do I leave my friends who are now like family? For what...a "better" district...closer to home...for more money? BUT teaching a subject that I hate? I am definitely at the point where I either want them to turn me down, so I don't have to decide. Or wanting them to meet my demands so it makes it impossible for me to say no. Decisions, decisions.

However, we have had to face touch decisions before. We have had so many heavy decisions to make in our desire for parenthood. Each one is so important. Not something easy like deciding what to have for dinner or what movie to see or even what district to work for! No! We have to decide whether to pursue IVF or trust God for a miraculous and unassisted conception. We have to decide whether to go into debt for treatment, or keep trying on our own. We have to decide if adoption is the right step for us. I have to decide if torturing my body is worth another failure. Most importantly, we’re talking about the creation of an eternal soul. What could carry more weight? How do we know what God wants us to do? How do I discern God’s will for me?

Prayer is the only option we have, because after all, God is the one who is going to make it happen for us. In those times of dreaded disappointment and tough decisions, it is hard for me to understand why God is making me have such heartbreak. I think, “Why not me? I’m a good, Christian person. Why the unwed teenage mother, the young woman at the abortion clinic, the one complaining that she had another accident?” It is something He could so easily fix. I’d love to say that I have a grasp of understanding on the reasons why, but I don’t. I only believe that God has us here and in His care, and He has a working plan in progress. Although I am not in agreement with His plan all the time nor do I understand it, I finally accepted the fact that I do not have the power and submerge myself in prayer during the tough times. Biblical encouragement is the one thing I could hold firmly in my hand. It has become clear to me that God did not put the desire in my heart to be a mother, if He was not going to fulfill that desire somehow or someway.

I have had the realization that God wasn’t going to make me live my entire life with heartache. Of course, I don’t know if that means I will eventually bear my own children or adopt, but I know the heartache will go away with Him in control. I feel like if I trust Him and trust His plan, those heavy decisions will become easier. If I listen to Him and work for Him instead of against Him, my heart will be lighter and my thoughts clearer.

-Lisa-

How to Help, What to Say

I know that my friends and family have struggled with what to say to Jeremy and I. We are sometimes tiptoed around because people are afraid of saying or doing the wrong things. My own family has asked what is appropriate to say and what isn't. So I have been making a list of things that might be helpful when talking to couples that carry the load of unplanned "un-pregnancy."

 As we struggle with infertility, our relationships with friends and family are undeniably touched. Those who conceive easily may have difficulty truly understanding the struggle an infertile couple faces every single day. 

What to Say...

I’m so sorry.
I’m praying for you. (Only say this if you really will pray!)
I’m here if you need to talk. (Then don’t be afraid of what we may say. Don’t be offended if we don’t want to talk. Being available to us as a sounding board is priceless.)

What NOT to say...

Relax, honey. It will happen. (This minimizes the hurt the couple is feeling. Also, sometimes it doesn’t happen.)
You’re so lucky not to be tied down with kids. You can go on vacation any time you want.
At least...you were only a few weeks along, At least...you have one child. At least...you have time with just the two of you. (A good rule of thumb is--if you start a sentence with “at least” it’s probably the wrong thing to say!)
So whose fault is it--yours or his? (Infertility is not an issue of fault. It is a medical condition that carries a heavy emotional and spiritual burden. This is an intensely personal battle. If we want--or need--to share personal, medical information with you, let us. It’s really quite an honor to be trusted with such vulnerable information. If we don’t want to share, please don’t ask.)
I know how you feel. (No, you don’t. Even if you suffered with infertility or miscarriage, you cannot know exactly how this person feels. You may have a good idea based on your own experience, but not the specifics of this situation.)
Don’t cry. It’ll be okay. (Let us cry. Let us cry with you or on you. Just let us cry.)

Be Sensitive...

Realize that the grief an infertile couple carries begins anew approximately every 28 days.
Don’t panic if the couple “emotionally vomits” on you. 
Don’t be afraid of anger. Hurting people tend to lash out. If they are angry at their spouse, their doctor, their baby, their body or even at God, let them vent.
Let them know you care. However it works for you and those you care for, just let them know you care.

As Philippians 4:13-14 says, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, but it is so good of you to share with your infertile friends/family in their trouble. Thank you!  Thank you for caring for hurting people and making such a wonderful effort to ease the pain of unintentional childlessness.

-Lisa-

Negativity

I haven't written in awhile. I have a lot to say. But I won't blab it all in one, lonely blog post.

I went to my 10th Weight Watchers weigh-in. It is old hat now. I have lost 19.2 pounds...so very close to 20 pounds! Our meeting leader, Becky, talked about Nixing Negative Talk.

Negativity? Me, negative? Nooooooo...

Absolutely! I took a hard look at who I was on the inside and I didn't like the way I was treating myself. I have allowed negative thoughts to enter my mind WAY more than I should ever allow. I am hoping that actually posting these negative, no-good thoughts here will allow them to exit my mind so I can focus on the positive aspects all around me.

I have been putting off another IUI for months. Why? Because I only attach negative feelings towards the procedure. I find excuses of why it isn't a good idea. I am afraid of failing again. I am afraid of not being able to keep it together. I am afraid that if I don't do another IUI that Jeremy will be angry at me. I think that it cannot work. I don't want to try again if it is just going to fail. Which it will...
(Those are the thoughts coursing through my brain right now...)

Speaking of failure...how did I allow myself to get like this? I tend to have negative, self-loathing thoughts about my weight, my career, our family situation. Here goes the rant:
How did I allow myself to get this FAT?
I hate seeing pregnant women. I really do. I can't help the jealous hatred that boils right under the surface.
We will never have a family. We better really like each other because it is just Jeremy and I forever.
I wonder if Jeremy would be happier with someone that can carry his child. Because I can't.


Feeling sorry for me, yet? I hope not! I don't want empathy.
I know that my negative thoughts are just a part of life. We tend to pull ourselves down even when so many miraculous events are going on around us. I would NEVER speak these un-healthy thoughts aloud (except maybe to God who already knows them).

I am hoping that I can become more positive. Tomorrow is a new day and so a new outlook as well. Writing the negative thoughts out releases them (even if just a little bit) from my body. I can move on and start filling my brain with more positivity like: God loves me. We WILL have a family even if it is not the way we planned. I am so blessed to be living through this obstacle because I am learning so much about myself and my relationship with God.

-Lisa-