"It Isn't Fair"

Hello blog community! Again, I have been super busy and have neglected the blog. I am going to try to do better but life has got in the way. See updates at the end of the post to see what I have been up to.

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Ok. So here was a real life conversation I overheard in the crowded hallways of Raytown South Middle School today.

Students #1: I cannot believe that we have to do that assignment. It is too hard and it is due tomorrow!

Student #2: I know. It isn't fair. But sometimes life isn't fair, you know?

Student #1: Yep. Life sucks. Oh, well.

(At this point, I am giggling to myself.)

I don't think they realized I was listening to their pre-teen worries. If I could have commented, I would have said, "Oh, you guys have no idea how unfair life really is."

I remember my parents always responding with "Life isn't fair" when I complained about how unfair their rules were. Boy, were they right!

We (including my infertile bloggers) spend thousands of dollars on a baby that teenage drug addicts (okay, an exaggeration) get on accident. We can afford the family...they cannot. We WANT the baby...so many do not. It isn't fair.

I work my BUTT off at work while others do not and make MORE than me! It isn't fair.

I have to diet and exercise to lose weight while others can eat McDonald's everyday and not gain a pound! It isn't fair.

(I could go on and on and on, but then I would forget to make a point.)

And I do have a point.

Although life is unfair in so many aspects. Life is SO great too. I am blessed (something beyond just 'fair') to have my husband, family, friends, co-workers, and my faith in God. I am blessed in so many areas of life. I often wonder if I would have cracked a long time ago without the sanity that those individuals bring me. So, yeah, life sucks sometimes. But I also realize that life is pretty awesome too. I know that this infertility chapter will come to an end at some point and then life will suck just a little less. ;)

UPDATES:
Ok. So I did have a part-time job opportunity at Sylvan Learning Centers. But then realized that I have NO TIME in my life for a part-time job. My full time job has been keeping me plenty of busy and stressed on its own. I was getting the job to pay off our medical bills from the OHSS and IVF this summer, but the bills will still be there whether I get another job or not.

My class reunion was AWESOME! It went off without a hitch and I was so grateful to get to spend that time with all of them.


I love this pic from reunion and my friend in it!

No words for my expression...

Our Class

I have (technically) met my weight loss goal! I have lost 51 pounds!!!!!! What?! I know. It is crazy to think that back in January I was 51 pounds heavier. I went from a size 14 to a size 6 and even sometimes a 4! Craziness, I tell you. Now that I am (technically) at my goal, I changed my goal to 5 more pounds. And then I might change it again. I am hoping that the weight loss will help with our infertility but even if it doesn't...I feel awesome! I have more confidence and tons more energy!

Jeremy and I still have no idea what to do as far as having babies. We were going to wait for May and do another IVF so we have our debt from the last one paid down. But now...we are thinking of adoption paperwork. While getting adoption paperwork together, we may throw in a few IUIs while we wait. Who knows! These are just random thoughts/conversations that we have been having recently. I do think that we are hesitating on doing IVF again. I am scared. I was SO sick with OHSS and I don't want to go back to that point again. It was the worst time ever! Remember it here: OHSS aftermath and here: OHSS!! So we are unsure of where to go from here...but it will be an adventure either way.

-Lisa-

Feeling Nostalgic

My 10 year high school reunion is TONIGHT! I think I would be looking forward to it more if I wasn't on the planning committee. I am going to be so glad when it is over so I don't have to worry about it anymore!

This was me back in 2002:

Can we just talk about this picture for a minute? First of all, why am I wearing an over sized Old Navy T-shirt? I was skinny, but thought I was fat. I wish I could be that fat now! Why did I wear my boyfriend's class ring around my neck? So I was claimed by him? Just crazy.

I went to a small high school in a small town 30 miles south of Kansas City. I would never take back growing up there but I will never go back. Many of my friends said that too but they are gradually moving back to raise their families in good ole Pleasant Hill. Key word: families. Since my family consists of Jeremy, our cat Lola, and our dogger Bella, I don't think our furbabies need to be raised in PHill.

I graduated with 126 other people. All different, but somehow all the same. Our class wasn't diverse. We all had similar family situations and for the most part all looked the same.

However, without that experience of a small town, I wouldn't have lived my life the way that I have. I wouldn't have the AMAZING group of friends that I do. We have all known each other for most of our lives and still are close. Now our husbands are friends. It is so great!

So, I am excited to see everyone tonight. I know I will have a great time catching up with people I haven't seen in over a decade.

-Lisa-

Ramblings of an AF mind

I am swamped at work. It seems like I am always playing catch-up. I am barely keeping my head above water (or above the pile of grading!). So...I haven't been posting on a regular basis.

I did want to share some updates and some crazy ramblings.

First, Aunt Flow showed up yesterday. At this point, I am so used to seeing her. I wish she would take a 9 month or so vacation! I feel that September was another wasted month. Obviously, the supplements are working. Obviously, my body isn't working. Obviously, IT SUCKS!

Second, we started a small group Bible study with seven other people from our new church. It was awesome! I am excited to get to know them. I am wondering when we should tell the rest of the group about our infertility. Or do we? I know that it will naturally come up. We are using the study called GodQuest. It is all about figuring out what we need from God and what God needs from us. So I am sure we will eventually share that part of our life.

Third, the sermon yesterday at church was on Hannah. I cried through some parts. No one knew because we had church in the park and I had my sunglasses on. I love that Jeremy knew and just gently caressed my back with his hand. I love that man!

Fourth, I have been feeling so gosh-darn frustrated lately. I know part of that has to deal with Aunt Flow. But the truth is...I am so sick of waiting for a baby! I am growing more and more impatient. I can't decide if we do another IVF or adoption. I just want a freaking baby already!

I am hoping to have a "real" post that isn't filled with hormone-raging rants or rambling updates later this week. So look for that!

-Lisa-

What Scares You?

"What really scares you?"

I ask my sixth and seventh graders to answer this in a writing prompt every year. However, I never really have thought about my answers. Yes, I have the blanket responses that nearly every person has for this question. But I am going to try and push myself. So...what am I scared of...

1. Bugs. Mainly grasshoppers. I love running on this shady trail in the woods. However, grasshoppers the size of my palm jump straight into me which scares the crap out of me. I have literally made a fool of myself by jumping out of their path while other runners look on in bewilderment.

2. Losing. I don't just mean in a game of Monopoly...although I really hate losing. I mean losing people. Some of the hardest times in my life have been saying goodbye. I have lost friendships, relationships, and loved ones. All of them have sucked...big time! I am terrified of losing anyone else that I love dearly.

3. Bad decisions. I am so worried that I am going to make the wrong decision in the course of life. I am constantly wondering about the what-ifs and the should-haves. That one bad decision could turn my life or someone else's life upside down.

4. Disappointment. Just like when I was a child...I hate to disappoint. I still worry about disappointing people. I hated when my parents didn't yell at me...it was so much worse to hear "I am just disappointed." I even try to pull that with my middle school students but I don't think they mind too much! I don't want to disappoint Jeremy, my friends, my family, my boss, and most importantly...GOD! I have a feeling I do disappoint all of these at some point...but it still scares me a bit.

5. Future. The future is a scary territory. I don't know what is coming around the next turn. That's scary. I need a script and directions. Too bad God didn't want it to be that way!

I am sure there are more that I could add but here is my biggest fear of the moment:

6. Childless. I have this underlying, eat-at-you, never goes away, horrible fear of never having children. I have a fear that I will never experience that unconditional love between a mother and child. It is scary to think that my life will never involve soccer practices, birthday parties, diapers, baby smell, graduations, first days of school, toys littering our house, sweet precious baby clothes...I could go on and on...I often try and wonder how Jeremy and I will cope if we never have children. And the truth is I don't think we can. It will be the most heartbreaking, unfixable problem of our lives. For now, we struggle with IF...but what happens when nothing works? What happens when our funds are gone and we can't adopt? What happens? It is by far the most scary thing!

So...what really scares you?

-Lisa-

My first ICLW!! YAY!

This is my first experience with IComLeavWe (ICLW). I am so excited to participate and meet all different women/men going through infertility.

I am Lisa. I am 28 and my husband, Jeremy, is 31. We have been married for four years and trying to conceive for three years. We are an unexplained infertility case. I ovulate. He has high counts. We have tried Clomid, IUI, and our last IVF was cancelled the day before our retrieval. With that cancelled IVF, I had moderate OHSS which was pure HELL! We have survived but still wounded from three miscarriages. Now...we are on a break. We will pick back up again with treatments in May. I am a teacher and I can't see myself going through all of that again while I am still trying to teach middle schoolers. Those poor kids wouldn't know what hit 'em!

Browse around and check back on old posts too. I just started blogging in December of 2011 so I am fairly new to all of this. I try to stay as upbeat as possible because it helps me focus my negativity into a more positive way. Enjoy and welcome! Yay for ICLW!!!

The heartbraking end to our IVF is right here

How are we moving on is right here

Starting to heal is right here




-Lisa-

Kardashians in my Blog Post...I know, I know!

Let me start by saying...I can't stand the Kardashians. Not for any real reason...besides that they annoy me. They are rich, famous and for what? Well, I know why Kim became famous, but let's add that to the list of reasons why they get on my nerves.

With that said...I saw an advertisement/teaser for the season finale and found myself setting the DVR, so I could see what it was all about. Khloe and Lamar Odom faced infertility issues. And the lovely, Kim, used injectibles to prepare to freeze her eggs.

Although a pretty unrealistic view of infertility...at least it is out there! It was somewhat refreshing to see the "rich and famous" undergoing the trials that we, normal infertility people, face everyday.

Khloe dealt with the sadness, grief, unfairness, and downright suckiness of not ovulating. She underwent HSG and learned about all of the fertility meds that she will inject in her body. She was just as terrified and sad as I was. Khloe and Lamar had an amazing conversation where Khloe tried to get Lamar to see what was needed to have a child. It was like watching Jeremy and I have the same conversation over three years ago now.

Kim dealt with having to inject herself with her first hormone shot. I was also happy to know that I am not the only one that freaked out over this task. That first shot was so nerve-racking. It was apparent that Kim was freaked as well!

All the while, Kourtney Kardashian gave birth to her second child. Again, another real situation that we infertile must face. It is guaranteed that a friend, sister, cousin, co-worker, etc. will be pregnant during our journey to have our own. Khloe handled herself with dignity and class. You know that her heart was breaking that it wasn't her having a baby.

So, I swear that this is my last Kardashian post! I can't even believe that I dedicated an entire post to Keeping Up with the Kardashians...geez! But it is worth a view just to see that, although over dramatized, the issues that faced them in this last episode are very real. I won't be an avid Kardashian watcher now, but great episode.

-Lisa-

Mr. Bigglesworth

I have a list of things that I never expected with fertility treatments.

1. That sometimes they don't work...duh!
2. Giving yourself shots is not the worst thing in the world.
3. You cannot control emotions even when you try really hard not to be crazy.
4. You can get really sick and it sucks!
5. YOU CAN LOSE YOUR FREAKING HAIR!!!!!!!!


I have mourned and dealt with #1-4. But that #5 is really ticking me off. We finished IVF drugs and treatment at the start of July. My OHSS has been gone since the middle of July.

So why is my hair still falling out?!

I know that the hormone treatments cause hair loss. However, I am going on three months since the treatments and my hair is still falling out. It is quite significant. Although, it is not coming out in chunks...my hair is falling out by the bushel. (To be honest, I don't know what that means but it seemed to fit.)

My sister (the expert in everything hair) told me that biotin or B-12 supplements could help slow the process. So I have been popping the max limit of B-12 vitamins everyday. Still...hair is falling out. I am hoping I don't end up looking like Mr. Bigglesworth.

 

 

But, seriously, I am to the extremely concerned, starting to panic, worried about it never stopping, going to freak out state of mind. I know Jeremy is sick of finding my hair in everything. I am shedding like a dog EVERYWHERE. I can't even wear my hair down because it creates issues. If someone has any useful tips besides the biotin B-12, let me know please! And hopefully I am not the only IVFer losing my mind over losing my hair.

 

 

-Lisa-