Decision Made! (Part 1)

So, I hope to write more later this week after figuring out specifics. But we have collected all "directions" for adoption through Christian Family Services. We have decided that adoption seems right for us. Even if we happen to be fortunate enough to have our own children, we still would like to adopt someday. As we look it all over and figure out funds, I felt like we could do SOMETHING as far as treatment.

With my horrible experience with IVF in June, IVF is out.

I never responded well to Clomid. So Clomid is out.

These supplements (Read about the supplements here) that we are both taking are obviously not working. Or they aren't working as quickly as we would have hoped. I am still not ovulating every month which is an issue when trying to get pregnant!

So...we are hopefully going to do an IUI (Intra-uterine insemination) cycle soon.

I am hoping I can get in to see Dr. Kim next week and get the ball rolling. He is out of the office until Monday. I know they will switch up my meds from last IUI because Ovidril is not my friend! It caused the OHSS and Dr. Kim said that he will not use that med again with me. I still have some Follistim left over from the IVF cycle so that will save some money too.

Onward and forward we march! Who knows if we are making the right decisions...but whoever knows?! We are both happy with our decision and so is our bank account! (IUI is about $13,000 less than IVF)

-Lisa-

Can We Pretend it is Monday? Video Blog

It is safe to hide behind the computer where no one can hear or see me. I become extremely vulnerable when asked to not only bear my feelings but now to give you all a face to attach to my ramblings. So thanks to Stupid Stork for creating this video blog challenge. If you want to read more about it and visit other ladies participating click here. I am stepping out of my comfort zone. We are supposed to post our videos on Monday...but I can't wait and am super busy tomorrow.

I should have spruced myself up for the video but did not. My hair is still wet from the shower. My face is jacked up because I had an allergic reaction to face cream. I am just a mess. I promise I normally look a little better than I do in this video. Just a little.

So enjoy! And be nice about how I look! I can't wait to SEE and HEAR you other girls participating in the video challenge.

 

 

 

 

 

-Lisa-



Welcome all from IComLeavWe!

This is now my SECOND time participating in ICLW. I am more excited now because I know what it is and how great it is to meet and follow so many fellow infertiles. Here is our basic breakdown:
TTC since June 2009
Tried Clomid for 6 months...miscarriage
IUI...miscarriage
IVF...started all meds, nothing went right...I was cancelled, then back on, then cancelled the night before retrieval
OHSS...got it with IVF attempt so badly that I was in hospital and laid up for a few weeks
Now...we wait. Our funds are gone, our optimism has taken a blow, we are scared, all the while still wanting a baby in our arms. I wish we looked more like this "Ideal Infertile Couple"

 

 

 

 

I have been bad about posting regularly lately because life has gotten in the way of my blog! I can't wait to meet all of you via blogs. Peruse my blog please. I just started the blog in January and it has become so therapeutic to write down my rants, sadness, and joys.

 

-Lisa-

"It Isn't Fair"

Hello blog community! Again, I have been super busy and have neglected the blog. I am going to try to do better but life has got in the way. See updates at the end of the post to see what I have been up to.

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Ok. So here was a real life conversation I overheard in the crowded hallways of Raytown South Middle School today.

Students #1: I cannot believe that we have to do that assignment. It is too hard and it is due tomorrow!

Student #2: I know. It isn't fair. But sometimes life isn't fair, you know?

Student #1: Yep. Life sucks. Oh, well.

(At this point, I am giggling to myself.)

I don't think they realized I was listening to their pre-teen worries. If I could have commented, I would have said, "Oh, you guys have no idea how unfair life really is."

I remember my parents always responding with "Life isn't fair" when I complained about how unfair their rules were. Boy, were they right!

We (including my infertile bloggers) spend thousands of dollars on a baby that teenage drug addicts (okay, an exaggeration) get on accident. We can afford the family...they cannot. We WANT the baby...so many do not. It isn't fair.

I work my BUTT off at work while others do not and make MORE than me! It isn't fair.

I have to diet and exercise to lose weight while others can eat McDonald's everyday and not gain a pound! It isn't fair.

(I could go on and on and on, but then I would forget to make a point.)

And I do have a point.

Although life is unfair in so many aspects. Life is SO great too. I am blessed (something beyond just 'fair') to have my husband, family, friends, co-workers, and my faith in God. I am blessed in so many areas of life. I often wonder if I would have cracked a long time ago without the sanity that those individuals bring me. So, yeah, life sucks sometimes. But I also realize that life is pretty awesome too. I know that this infertility chapter will come to an end at some point and then life will suck just a little less. ;)

UPDATES:
Ok. So I did have a part-time job opportunity at Sylvan Learning Centers. But then realized that I have NO TIME in my life for a part-time job. My full time job has been keeping me plenty of busy and stressed on its own. I was getting the job to pay off our medical bills from the OHSS and IVF this summer, but the bills will still be there whether I get another job or not.

My class reunion was AWESOME! It went off without a hitch and I was so grateful to get to spend that time with all of them.


I love this pic from reunion and my friend in it!

No words for my expression...

Our Class

I have (technically) met my weight loss goal! I have lost 51 pounds!!!!!! What?! I know. It is crazy to think that back in January I was 51 pounds heavier. I went from a size 14 to a size 6 and even sometimes a 4! Craziness, I tell you. Now that I am (technically) at my goal, I changed my goal to 5 more pounds. And then I might change it again. I am hoping that the weight loss will help with our infertility but even if it doesn't...I feel awesome! I have more confidence and tons more energy!

Jeremy and I still have no idea what to do as far as having babies. We were going to wait for May and do another IVF so we have our debt from the last one paid down. But now...we are thinking of adoption paperwork. While getting adoption paperwork together, we may throw in a few IUIs while we wait. Who knows! These are just random thoughts/conversations that we have been having recently. I do think that we are hesitating on doing IVF again. I am scared. I was SO sick with OHSS and I don't want to go back to that point again. It was the worst time ever! Remember it here: OHSS aftermath and here: OHSS!! So we are unsure of where to go from here...but it will be an adventure either way.

-Lisa-

Feeling Nostalgic

My 10 year high school reunion is TONIGHT! I think I would be looking forward to it more if I wasn't on the planning committee. I am going to be so glad when it is over so I don't have to worry about it anymore!

This was me back in 2002:

Can we just talk about this picture for a minute? First of all, why am I wearing an over sized Old Navy T-shirt? I was skinny, but thought I was fat. I wish I could be that fat now! Why did I wear my boyfriend's class ring around my neck? So I was claimed by him? Just crazy.

I went to a small high school in a small town 30 miles south of Kansas City. I would never take back growing up there but I will never go back. Many of my friends said that too but they are gradually moving back to raise their families in good ole Pleasant Hill. Key word: families. Since my family consists of Jeremy, our cat Lola, and our dogger Bella, I don't think our furbabies need to be raised in PHill.

I graduated with 126 other people. All different, but somehow all the same. Our class wasn't diverse. We all had similar family situations and for the most part all looked the same.

However, without that experience of a small town, I wouldn't have lived my life the way that I have. I wouldn't have the AMAZING group of friends that I do. We have all known each other for most of our lives and still are close. Now our husbands are friends. It is so great!

So, I am excited to see everyone tonight. I know I will have a great time catching up with people I haven't seen in over a decade.

-Lisa-

Ramblings of an AF mind

I am swamped at work. It seems like I am always playing catch-up. I am barely keeping my head above water (or above the pile of grading!). So...I haven't been posting on a regular basis.

I did want to share some updates and some crazy ramblings.

First, Aunt Flow showed up yesterday. At this point, I am so used to seeing her. I wish she would take a 9 month or so vacation! I feel that September was another wasted month. Obviously, the supplements are working. Obviously, my body isn't working. Obviously, IT SUCKS!

Second, we started a small group Bible study with seven other people from our new church. It was awesome! I am excited to get to know them. I am wondering when we should tell the rest of the group about our infertility. Or do we? I know that it will naturally come up. We are using the study called GodQuest. It is all about figuring out what we need from God and what God needs from us. So I am sure we will eventually share that part of our life.

Third, the sermon yesterday at church was on Hannah. I cried through some parts. No one knew because we had church in the park and I had my sunglasses on. I love that Jeremy knew and just gently caressed my back with his hand. I love that man!

Fourth, I have been feeling so gosh-darn frustrated lately. I know part of that has to deal with Aunt Flow. But the truth is...I am so sick of waiting for a baby! I am growing more and more impatient. I can't decide if we do another IVF or adoption. I just want a freaking baby already!

I am hoping to have a "real" post that isn't filled with hormone-raging rants or rambling updates later this week. So look for that!

-Lisa-

What Scares You?

"What really scares you?"

I ask my sixth and seventh graders to answer this in a writing prompt every year. However, I never really have thought about my answers. Yes, I have the blanket responses that nearly every person has for this question. But I am going to try and push myself. So...what am I scared of...

1. Bugs. Mainly grasshoppers. I love running on this shady trail in the woods. However, grasshoppers the size of my palm jump straight into me which scares the crap out of me. I have literally made a fool of myself by jumping out of their path while other runners look on in bewilderment.

2. Losing. I don't just mean in a game of Monopoly...although I really hate losing. I mean losing people. Some of the hardest times in my life have been saying goodbye. I have lost friendships, relationships, and loved ones. All of them have sucked...big time! I am terrified of losing anyone else that I love dearly.

3. Bad decisions. I am so worried that I am going to make the wrong decision in the course of life. I am constantly wondering about the what-ifs and the should-haves. That one bad decision could turn my life or someone else's life upside down.

4. Disappointment. Just like when I was a child...I hate to disappoint. I still worry about disappointing people. I hated when my parents didn't yell at me...it was so much worse to hear "I am just disappointed." I even try to pull that with my middle school students but I don't think they mind too much! I don't want to disappoint Jeremy, my friends, my family, my boss, and most importantly...GOD! I have a feeling I do disappoint all of these at some point...but it still scares me a bit.

5. Future. The future is a scary territory. I don't know what is coming around the next turn. That's scary. I need a script and directions. Too bad God didn't want it to be that way!

I am sure there are more that I could add but here is my biggest fear of the moment:

6. Childless. I have this underlying, eat-at-you, never goes away, horrible fear of never having children. I have a fear that I will never experience that unconditional love between a mother and child. It is scary to think that my life will never involve soccer practices, birthday parties, diapers, baby smell, graduations, first days of school, toys littering our house, sweet precious baby clothes...I could go on and on...I often try and wonder how Jeremy and I will cope if we never have children. And the truth is I don't think we can. It will be the most heartbreaking, unfixable problem of our lives. For now, we struggle with IF...but what happens when nothing works? What happens when our funds are gone and we can't adopt? What happens? It is by far the most scary thing!

So...what really scares you?

-Lisa-