What Scares You?

"What really scares you?"

I ask my sixth and seventh graders to answer this in a writing prompt every year. However, I never really have thought about my answers. Yes, I have the blanket responses that nearly every person has for this question. But I am going to try and push myself. So...what am I scared of...

1. Bugs. Mainly grasshoppers. I love running on this shady trail in the woods. However, grasshoppers the size of my palm jump straight into me which scares the crap out of me. I have literally made a fool of myself by jumping out of their path while other runners look on in bewilderment.

2. Losing. I don't just mean in a game of Monopoly...although I really hate losing. I mean losing people. Some of the hardest times in my life have been saying goodbye. I have lost friendships, relationships, and loved ones. All of them have sucked...big time! I am terrified of losing anyone else that I love dearly.

3. Bad decisions. I am so worried that I am going to make the wrong decision in the course of life. I am constantly wondering about the what-ifs and the should-haves. That one bad decision could turn my life or someone else's life upside down.

4. Disappointment. Just like when I was a child...I hate to disappoint. I still worry about disappointing people. I hated when my parents didn't yell at me...it was so much worse to hear "I am just disappointed." I even try to pull that with my middle school students but I don't think they mind too much! I don't want to disappoint Jeremy, my friends, my family, my boss, and most importantly...GOD! I have a feeling I do disappoint all of these at some point...but it still scares me a bit.

5. Future. The future is a scary territory. I don't know what is coming around the next turn. That's scary. I need a script and directions. Too bad God didn't want it to be that way!

I am sure there are more that I could add but here is my biggest fear of the moment:

6. Childless. I have this underlying, eat-at-you, never goes away, horrible fear of never having children. I have a fear that I will never experience that unconditional love between a mother and child. It is scary to think that my life will never involve soccer practices, birthday parties, diapers, baby smell, graduations, first days of school, toys littering our house, sweet precious baby clothes...I could go on and on...I often try and wonder how Jeremy and I will cope if we never have children. And the truth is I don't think we can. It will be the most heartbreaking, unfixable problem of our lives. For now, we struggle with IF...but what happens when nothing works? What happens when our funds are gone and we can't adopt? What happens? It is by far the most scary thing!

So...what really scares you?

-Lisa-

My first ICLW!! YAY!

This is my first experience with IComLeavWe (ICLW). I am so excited to participate and meet all different women/men going through infertility.

I am Lisa. I am 28 and my husband, Jeremy, is 31. We have been married for four years and trying to conceive for three years. We are an unexplained infertility case. I ovulate. He has high counts. We have tried Clomid, IUI, and our last IVF was cancelled the day before our retrieval. With that cancelled IVF, I had moderate OHSS which was pure HELL! We have survived but still wounded from three miscarriages. Now...we are on a break. We will pick back up again with treatments in May. I am a teacher and I can't see myself going through all of that again while I am still trying to teach middle schoolers. Those poor kids wouldn't know what hit 'em!

Browse around and check back on old posts too. I just started blogging in December of 2011 so I am fairly new to all of this. I try to stay as upbeat as possible because it helps me focus my negativity into a more positive way. Enjoy and welcome! Yay for ICLW!!!

The heartbraking end to our IVF is right here

How are we moving on is right here

Starting to heal is right here




-Lisa-

Kardashians in my Blog Post...I know, I know!

Let me start by saying...I can't stand the Kardashians. Not for any real reason...besides that they annoy me. They are rich, famous and for what? Well, I know why Kim became famous, but let's add that to the list of reasons why they get on my nerves.

With that said...I saw an advertisement/teaser for the season finale and found myself setting the DVR, so I could see what it was all about. Khloe and Lamar Odom faced infertility issues. And the lovely, Kim, used injectibles to prepare to freeze her eggs.

Although a pretty unrealistic view of infertility...at least it is out there! It was somewhat refreshing to see the "rich and famous" undergoing the trials that we, normal infertility people, face everyday.

Khloe dealt with the sadness, grief, unfairness, and downright suckiness of not ovulating. She underwent HSG and learned about all of the fertility meds that she will inject in her body. She was just as terrified and sad as I was. Khloe and Lamar had an amazing conversation where Khloe tried to get Lamar to see what was needed to have a child. It was like watching Jeremy and I have the same conversation over three years ago now.

Kim dealt with having to inject herself with her first hormone shot. I was also happy to know that I am not the only one that freaked out over this task. That first shot was so nerve-racking. It was apparent that Kim was freaked as well!

All the while, Kourtney Kardashian gave birth to her second child. Again, another real situation that we infertile must face. It is guaranteed that a friend, sister, cousin, co-worker, etc. will be pregnant during our journey to have our own. Khloe handled herself with dignity and class. You know that her heart was breaking that it wasn't her having a baby.

So, I swear that this is my last Kardashian post! I can't even believe that I dedicated an entire post to Keeping Up with the Kardashians...geez! But it is worth a view just to see that, although over dramatized, the issues that faced them in this last episode are very real. I won't be an avid Kardashian watcher now, but great episode.

-Lisa-

Mr. Bigglesworth

I have a list of things that I never expected with fertility treatments.

1. That sometimes they don't work...duh!
2. Giving yourself shots is not the worst thing in the world.
3. You cannot control emotions even when you try really hard not to be crazy.
4. You can get really sick and it sucks!
5. YOU CAN LOSE YOUR FREAKING HAIR!!!!!!!!


I have mourned and dealt with #1-4. But that #5 is really ticking me off. We finished IVF drugs and treatment at the start of July. My OHSS has been gone since the middle of July.

So why is my hair still falling out?!

I know that the hormone treatments cause hair loss. However, I am going on three months since the treatments and my hair is still falling out. It is quite significant. Although, it is not coming out in chunks...my hair is falling out by the bushel. (To be honest, I don't know what that means but it seemed to fit.)

My sister (the expert in everything hair) told me that biotin or B-12 supplements could help slow the process. So I have been popping the max limit of B-12 vitamins everyday. Still...hair is falling out. I am hoping I don't end up looking like Mr. Bigglesworth.

 

 

But, seriously, I am to the extremely concerned, starting to panic, worried about it never stopping, going to freak out state of mind. I know Jeremy is sick of finding my hair in everything. I am shedding like a dog EVERYWHERE. I can't even wear my hair down because it creates issues. If someone has any useful tips besides the biotin B-12, let me know please! And hopefully I am not the only IVFer losing my mind over losing my hair.

 

 

-Lisa-

Adoption? Eh?

Jeremy and I are often confronted with other people's views of our little "situation." They mean well. At least I like to think that they mean well. They have advice (although we are aware of how to make a baby), they have diets, they make attempts to help us/guide us. But truth be told...it only comes across as pity/belittling and just down right ticks us off!!

"Oh, really? You had problems getting pregnant too? Only 1 month of Clomid, huh? Wow!"

I really want to JUDGE THEM and tell them that one month on Clomid is hardly infertility! But I don't. I keep those judgmental and harsh opinions to myself.

But in all honesty...we know our family and friends mean well. It's the strangers that irk me. I just met you...I don't want to know how you got pregnant and who you saw. Can you imagine the insanity if everyone just talked to strangers about the way they conceived their children? And the audacity of asking others how they conceived their children?

As crazy as those conversations sound...they really happen. Infertility has made this OK. And is it a double standard that I find it socially acceptable for my IF bloggers to give me advice but I refuse to listen to a single word from the 1 month on Clomid gal? Probably. I am bitter.

"Deal with it, Clomid girl. Try spending $14,000 and giving yourself a bazillion shots!" (For the record, I am NOT this mean. I would never discount others "struggles" even though I see one month as a minor hiccup in the world of IF. It is my bitter opinion. Good for them! I wish it was over for us in months, instead of three years.)

[I feel like I need to stop this rant here and really start writing what I wanted to write today.]

One of the many pieces of advice that people offer to us is the idea of adoption. Adoption is a fabulous thing. I am so glad that there are women brave enough to realize that they cannot give their baby the best life. Those women (and men) should be honored. Their unselfish reasoning leads to so many childless couples completing their families. God bless them!

I often ask friends who have adopted how they came to that decision. How will we know if that is the avenue we take? I can tell you that we aren't there yet. Yes, it is a viable option for us possibly down the road. Right now...we are still wanting our own child. I don't want to be made to feel guilty about that. So many couples don't ever HAVE to make that decision because they have babies that carry their DNA. Jeremy and I are not ready to give up our dream of having our own babies. However, who is to say the plan God has for us? If we come to that bridge, we have no problem crossing it.

We know that the adoption decision is a big one. We don't want to feel pressured into adoption just because we can't have kids. We want to choose adoption because we want to adopt. Right now, neither of us wants to adopt. Give us a few months...we may change our minds. We change our minds often. Heck, we didn't want to do IVF...but we tried...look where that got us?!

So for now...we are not considering adoption and going to continue down this fertility treatment/au natural road. We are still "breaking it up" until May but deep in our hearts praying that this natural supplement route works the best for us.

Also, I didn't mean to discourage advice. We really do know that all of you are supportive...yes, even the strangers that offer their unnecessary advice. We know that everyone means well. Infertility makes me more sensitive than normal...which occasionally makes me accidentally offend others with my brash rants (like this one). Believe me...it is just a rant...

-Lisa-

"Our Movie" in progress...

I am working on creating an infertility bio video. I have seen so many and I want to tell our story through that avenue. So I am working on it. I can't pick between two songs...so I may just add them both to the video. Here are the songs I am torn between (both upbeat a bit because I don't want it to be sad!).

Steven Curtis Chapman "Long Way Home"

Brandi Carlisle "The Story"

Forgiveness

I have always believed that forgiveness is HUGE when trying to walk the Christian path. But it is SO hard to do.

It is so easy for me to harbor those feelings of jealousy, envy, anger, revenge, etc. towards others. I, as a woman, NEVER forget the horrible things that are said or done. I can name specific phrases that were spoken to Jeremy and I when we didn't have children after a year of marriage. I can remember when and where I was when someone disrespected our family. I can remember the overwhelming sadness when a friend didn't say the right thing in addressing our infertility. Heck, I can remember word for word what Jeremy said two months ago that hurt my feelings. So I have quite the problem of letting go and forgiving. I know that holding onto all of those pent up frustrations and emotions is only hurting me. So I have been praying for the ability to forgive.

In my prayers on the way to school today, I realized that I haven't forgiven myself. When it hit me, I was brought to tears and nearly lost my breath. How have I held onto these hateful feelings? How have I held onto blame and fault? All dealing with me!

Maybe some of you won't understand these thoughts and that's good. However, many of us living with infertility, need to start the forgiveness process by first forgiving ourselves.

The truth is...I blame myself. It is MY stupid body that won't cooperate. It is MY fault that we had to waste thousands on IVF. It is MY responsibility that Jeremy is not a dad. If only I was better. If only I would have done this. If only I would have tried this. If only I had chosen a different doctor.

(Yep, those are real thoughts!)

So driving along this morning as I prayed for forgiveness...BAM! Lisa, how can you forgive others if you can't forgive yourself? Word.

Has anyone ever had the experience of forgiving yourself? Where do I start? What do I do? I worry that no matter what I do...I will always know that it is my fault. Even if I forgive myself...the underlying guilt and sadness of our infertility is always going to be there.

I think part of forgiving myself has to be a realization of our situation. It isn't going to change. We will always have infertility even if we get our family one day. It will always be there. We will always have these years spent in the unknowing realm of an infertile couple. So, I accept it. It is what it is. It sucks. But I accept it. All of it.

Now what? I am supposed to magically move on without guilt, blame, jealousy, and anger?

I want to forgive myself and allow myself to move on. It is a slow process as is forgiving others. So as I work through this muddy area of my life, I hope to learn how to forgive. God has shown such grace for me. If He can forgive my sins, it is the least that I can do to forgive others and to start forgiving myself.

As always, prayers are appreciated. I am using this fertility break to really get my mind and heart right with God. This is just one step of many more to come, I am sure.

-Lisa-