God's Plan For Me

No one ever said that life was easy. I don't know why I expect this infertility chapter of our lives to be any different. One cycle may go the way it is supposed to and the next is screwy. I am used to it but it doesn't make it any easier.

I am trying to still remain positive about his IUI cycle. Yes, my body decided to be stubborn...again. But it isn't all lost. We go in tomorrow morning for the insemination. I have to still keep an ounce of hope in my back pocket. Without that small amount of positivity, this situation REALLY sucks.

I can't help but run through all of the disastrous probabilities. I couldn't take the Ovidril trigger shot last night because last time it caused OHSS. So I know that out of my 3 follicles, only 1 will ovulate since I am ovulating naturally. I am praying that it is the largest of the 3 that decide to drop. Then I also worry that we won't be able to jump right into another cycle in December because these large follicles are going to probably create cysts. Ugh! My mind won't shut up.

The only thing that gets me through this painful, defeated day is God. I know that although I am hurting and frustrated...He knows what He is doing. This is following His plan even though I don't get it quite yet. I really wish God could give us a road map of our lives. It would make this easier on me if I knew the end result.

-Lisa-

UPDATED: Babies, please! Ovulation, hold on!

I have been having constant cramping since last night. I am so uncomfortable! I can't help but have flashbacks to our IVF debacle this summer. I ovulated on my own a few hours before I was supposed to trigger. It was a disaster!

Well...
 I am feeling the same way today. I am crampy and full feeling. My mind is racing and all I see is another disaster. I plan on peeing on ovulation sticks every time I pee! I did get the go ahead to trigger tomorrow night! This means I only have to wait until tomorrow night before my mind will relax a bit. I keep telling my body "Please don't ovulate yet. Please dont ovulate yet." Hopefully, she is getting the hint.

The good news is that I have 3 follicles from 16mm-19mm. I take another Gonal F shot tonight (74iu) and then Ovidril tomorrow night. So our IUI is scheduled for Monday morning. It works out great because my students are out of school that day and Jeremy is off work for Veteran's Day. But I still can't help but be a nervous wreck. I know it must be all in my head...I am just panicked that my worst nightmare will happen...AGAIN!

Last night, Jeremy prayed that I would hand this over to God. I really need to. It is completely out of my hands. If my body wants to be stupid and stubborn, worrying about it isn't going to help any. I am going to try to relax the next 28 hours and stay as positive as I can. Wish me luck on this fete!

On another note, the NaBloPoMo prompt today is such a no-brainer! "If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would it be?"

Well, duh! I want a freaking baby! I would prefer to have a baby the way most of the population does though. I don't enjoy spending money, getting prodded with needles and wands, and the stress of infertility. I want the ease of just saying, "Hey, let's try to have a baby," and BOOM! instant pregnancy. God obviously has other plans for us, and that is fine. However, it still sucks!

-Lisa-

UPDATE @5:50: I hate my body! Why can't I catch a break?! Predictor kit tonight says ":)". Normally a smiley face means GREAT...instead it means DISASTER. I can't believe this has happened again. I have not ovulated in two months and now that we spend money on a cycle...she decides to work at the wrong time! I am so frustrated, defeated, and sad.

Dr. Milroy is the doc on call. She recommends we do the "baby dance" tonight and go in for IUI on Sunday morning instead of Monday. She wants to pretend that I took the trigger tonight. I have my doubts of this working especially considering we don't know the exact time I started the LH surge. I know it is in God's hands but it is getting harder and harder to deal with all of this.

Why is my body so screwed?!!!!! Ugh!!

Angry Woman Coming Through

I feel like I have been perpetually angry for a week now. Most times, I don't even know why. I know that it is caused by the Femara and Gonal-F, but I still feel so sensitive. It really is like I am having a constant out of body experience. I furrow my brow, the vein in my forehead pops out, and I narrow my eyes at even the slightest annoyance.

My poor students! My poor husband! They are the ones getting the wrath lately. However, I am starting to feel a bit normal as of lately but it has been a rough week to say the least.

On the IUI front, I can feel the follicles growing. I have been having lots of twinges and cramps. I also have that full feeling. I am hoping that my labs tomorrow morning come back saying we are ready for the trigger! It will be definitely disappointing if I need more shots.

I know that we are supposed to stay positive. BUT...we have decided that if this doesn't work, we will do one more IUI cycle right after this. Our deductible for insurance has been met so they are paying for more of these expenses. Our deductible starts over in January so the more we can get done in 2012, the better. Still hoping that this one is it though!

Have any of you been tested for MTHFR (sounds horrible!)? I have read a few articles on this and am wondering if I should be tested for this? And to be honest, I am still unclear of really what this is...any info would be helpful.

Trying to NOT be so angry!
-Lisa-

Lumpy, Hairy Belly

I had my CD 11 check-up today. I have 2 11mm follicles on my left and 1 13mm follicle on my right. I was shocked since I have only had two Gonal-F shots so far. I am usually in the single digits at this time in my cycle. So I was thrilled!

They are leaving my Gonal F injections as the same dosage (also a first for me!). I have had to go up to 300 iu for all of my cycles thus far. I can't believe I am responding on just 75iu. I go back in on Friday and the nurse seemed to think I might be ready to trigger Friday or Saturday evening for an IUI Sunday or Monday! Yay!!

My NaBloPoMo writing prompt today was "What is the last compliment that you received?"

I have got lots of overly nice compliments about my weight loss but those are not the last compliments. Jeremy is used to my weight loss so his compliments are a bit more...sarcastic.

Tonight as I was giving myself my shot in the belly. Jeremy said, "You have a hairy belly! You need to shave that!" To which I replied something not so kind. He recanted with "But your belly isn't nearly as lumpy as it used to be." He said this sincere even though he was being a total a**!

I gotta love him. We have a strange sarcastic relationship that not many people understand. It was a compliment to me, although he comes off as a complete jerk to all of you!

-Lisa-

Chunky Bar

Happy election day! How great is it that we have the right to vote in this country?! So many people live in worlds where they have no such right. I can't believe how many people do not exercise their right to vote! Shocking to me! Get out and vote people!

While I was at my polling location this evening, a very sweet and kind, older gentleman sat next to me. He had a king size Chunky bar next to him. It was broken in half and he ate one half. He pushed it over to me and said, "Well, little lady...you can have the rest." I politely said, "Well, thank you. Chocolate makes everything better."

Here is the chocolate in question

I quickly finished my ballot and took the Chunky bar with me. I want it known that I did not eat the Chunky bar! It was tempting, I tell you. Very rarely do I ever turn down chocolate. But the more I thought it over, the more that this seemed like the start of a bad Lifetime movie.

Old man finds naive girl in basement of church.
Old man politely gives naive girl a chocolate bar.
Naive girl takes chocolate bar.
Old man follows naive girl.
Naive girl eats chocolate.
Naive girl becomes unconscious girl.
Old man kills and dismembers unconscious girl.

(Something like that)

Well, no worries. I did not eat the chocolate. But seriously? How weird is this entire story? I have never actually taken candy from a stranger...until today.


P.S. I go in tomorrow morning for ultrasound and bloodwork. It will be CD 11.

-Lisa-

Boycotting & Shooting Myself

I am boycotting the NaBloPoMo idea for my prompt today. It asked my thoughts on the election tomorrow. I make it a habit NOT to talk politics with anyone but my husband. It always creates so many feelings. I piss someone off or they tick my off, etc. So what I will say about the election...I will be SO glad when it is over so I don't have to see commercials, get phone calls, or see gawdy signs classing up our neighborhood.

Now...I just (literally 5 minutes ago) gave myself my first stim shot this cycle. I have never used Gonal F before but used Follistim which was similar. I had no panic attacks and no qualms about doing it. I don't know if it is something I should be proud of. "Yes, I can stab myself over and over again with needles without freaking out." What a talent?!

I am getting so excited for many of blogging friends. I love hearing that retrievals are coming up, trigger shots given, or those of you that are just starting a new cycle with me. I am thinking of you all!

-Lisa-

Auntie Lisa

I am used to the term "Auntie Lisa" or "Aunt Lisa". All of my friends' babies know me (or I call myself) "Auntie Lisa". This is on top of all of our nieces and nephews who I am a legitimate aunt to.

Yesterday, I became a legitimate aunt to my 9th baby! We have a new niece, Olivia, who I am dying to meet. In fact, I am making a quick post to fulfill my NaBloPoMo requirement so we can get to the hospital to meet her! She was close to being born on my birthday which would have been exciting.

I haven't had a baby niece or nephew in FOREVER! If I don't count my gorgeous, illegitimate nieces or nephews by my friends, I haven't had a baby niece on my side of the family for 12 years! Jeremy's niece (now big sister) is 9. So this baby will be spoiled rotten!

No news to report on our cycle. I took my last of the Femara last night. I do nothing tonight. Tomorrow we have our first Gonal F injection (75iu). I am worried about not responding as fast as they need me. I am gun shy after our disastrous IVF cycle where my body did strange and unusual things. I am hoping the body doesn't try and pull those shenanigans again.

-Lisa-