Jealousy

When I start to feel heartbroken, I have lots of choices. I talk to Jeremy and my mom, I read God's word, I cry alone, and I read. One of my favorite books to read is Beth Forbus's Baby Hunger. This was emailed from her today and helped, even just a little bit. It isn't easy feeling alone in my pain. It isn't easy covering my real feelings day in and day out. It isn't easy to see so many happy families around me when that is all I want. It is even harder to see families or mothers that just complain about their "hard" lives...I would DIE for that "hard" life. It is so hard to stop the hate and resentment that builds in my heart. I am glad that I am not the only one that has to pray to suppress those horrible feelings of jealousy. When God enters my thoughts and heart, I feel healed. So here are Beth's words...

“…I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”
John 10:10

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!
Philippians 4:4

Once you discover that your desired pregnancy will be delayed, an amazing thing happens! People around you become “stupid”! They do stupid things like ask you to hand out the gifts at church on Mother’s Day since you won’t be participating. They make such stupid comments! Oh, the comments! “I just think about my husband and the morning sickness starts!” When you realize that you aren’t quite as fertile as the other branches of your family tree, you’ll find out within one weekend that your best friend, your co-worker and your sister-in-law are all pregnant! Your cousin gripes to you about how uncomfortable she is in her 37th week of pregnancy. Everyone is pregnant. Everyone but you.

You’re amazed at the apparent insensitivity of the fertile world. You’re amazed at the anger and jealousy taking root in your infertile heart. Relationships with people you have adored for an entire lifetime become strained. Their greatest source of joy has become a constant reminder of what you have so longed for yet cannot obtain.

As you stand face to face with the issue of infertility, many choices are ripped away from you. The choice of when to have children, perhaps the choice of how many children to have, the choice of keeping your problem private. Other choices are so difficult. Do we consult a doctor? How far do we go with treatment? What do we give up to pay for medical treatment? Do we adopt? However, there is a crucial area where you do have the ultimate choice. Will I choose joy or will I allow infertility to dictate my mindset and the attitude of my heart? Christ came that we may have life and have it more abundantly. We’re told to rejoice, and the writer is so adamant that we rejoice that he just has to repeat himself—“Again, I say rejoice!” If you’re feeling weak, the joy of the Lord is your strength. Our weaknesses showcase Christ’s ability to be our perfected strength.

Does this mean that you should never cry or feel down? Absolutely not. Our Savior was a man full of emotions and the Bible even says He was acquainted with grief and bore our sorrows (Isaiah 53:4). It does mean that you can choose to let Christ carry those sorrows and choose the joy that runs deeper than simple situational happiness. Peace that is so strong and doesn’t make sense considering your trial is yours for the taking. You can choose to accept the offer of abundant life provided by Jesus Christ Himself, or choose a life of despondency, jealousy and discouragement.

Easy? Not always. But the choice, my friend, is yours.

(Taken from Baby Hunger: Biblical Encouragement for Those Struggling with Infertility by Beth Forbus.)

-Lisa-

Changes

I think change is the hardest thing to endure as a human being. We are creatures of habit. When our habit is disrupted, it is quite a blow to our routines.

Just the thought of changes develops tiny, fluttering monarchs in my stomach. However, change can be SO good! All of the great things in my life have had something to do with change. So why is it so scary?!

Changes for the Good:

1. I moved to Lincoln, NE to go to college where I knew no one. I met amazing people there and learned that athletic training in NOT for me. It showed me that I was supposed to teach.
2. I moved home from Lincoln, NE and met even more amazing people from UMKC. I also found my niche.
3. My heart was broken for the first time. It only made me stronger. It also opened the door for the best man in the world, Jeremy, to come into my life.
4. My marriage and sharing a home with someone was a HUGE adjustment!
5. Moving away from south of the river and being "forced" to live north was a welcomed change. I love it up here!
6. Living through infertility is quite a different life than I expected.
7. And finally...where to go from here?

I have been praying fervently recently to have God show me the way in my career. I have been actively looking for a new district for a couple of years. I love teaching my kids in Raytown and the lovely people I work with, but there are changes on the horizon.

Applying for other jobs was just that...applying. I wasn't really taking them as serious options. BUT now, I see that I am going to be making decisions to change my world...again!

I know that God knows where I am supposed to be and He will show me the right time to CHANGE. It doesn't make it easy though.

However, I will say that these changes on the horizon have taken the focus off of infertility even if only for a brief time.

I am trying to let God lead the way and show me the right changes to make in my life. As we all should. I want every change that is made be something that honors Him and His plan for me.

-Lisa-

Darkness

First of all, I am SUPER stoked to be down 7.6 pounds on Weight Watchers. It is suprisingly easy to follow. However, Jeremy has lost 6 pounds and he isn't even following it like I am. He is just eating my cooking! So frustrating how men lose so much quicker than women. Ugh!

I read this passage last night and this made me think of how this passage can be intrepreted.

John 1:5 says "The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." I have read this passage before without attaching much feeling or emotion to it. Last night was different.

Infertility can be a very dark time in life. I know that this is the case for us. This time of darkness is hard to comprehend as well. We struggle with lots of questions surrounding our infertility. Should we continue the same fertility treatment? Should we look into saving for in vitro? Is it our time to consider adoption?

My family is always great to remind me that I need to trust in God and nothing else. However, it is so hard to see answers in the dark. I need light to shine in my surroundings to know where to turn. I immediately thought this when reading John 1 last night.

This thought provoked me to read more. Jesus said "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life" in John 8:12. He has promised to be with me through all of life's joys and sorrows.

Isn't that great? For all of us? Even when I have found myself in the dark the last two and half years, I know that the Light of the World is with me.

He promises to shine His light even in this darkness of infertility.

-Lisa-

We are not alone in our pain

This video is amazing. It puts it in perspective of the pain that so many are suffering through. What ever we are going through, we are not alone. Our pain is not unique. There is always someone that relates. I also love that all of these women and men are placing their love and trust in God. So empowering!

-Lisa-

The Small Things

There's that saying that says something like "Don't sweat the small stuff."

To the writer of that quote, I say "Easier said than done."

I am one of those detail-oriented people. I have a list of "small stuff" that just plain drive me crazy. Here is a quick sampling:
*Being woke up just a few minutes before the alarm goes off
*The incessant meowing from my eager, ornery cat who wants fed at 4:45pm instead of 5:00pm (yes, 15 minutes but she MUST remain on schedule)
*When people move my chaotic stack of papers, coupons, books, etc. (It may look like a mess, but I know where everything is)

I hate that I let "small stuff" bug me. Especially the small things that bring me back to the negative thoughts dealing with infertility. I really try to do a good job of covering my feelings about infertility. I go to work and am able to pretend that I am not suffering with childlessness. I pretend that I am not hurting although the pain is unbearable. I have become an expert at suppressing those feelings until I am comfortable within the walls of my home.

However, some "small stuff" makes it really hard to keep everything together. And if you have never dealt with the feeling of helplessness like women dealing with infertility do everyday, then some of what I may say will sound ridiculous. You don't have to follow that with pity. I am not pitiful. I am strong.

THE SMALL 'THING'

The dentist. Yep, the dentist. I have an appointment every six months. I go to get a cleaning and x-rays. Every time I go, they ask the same question before placing the heavy, radiation-blocking apron across my body, "Is there any chance that you are pregnant?" A simple question.

However, this simple question that is asked every 180 days also reminds me that it has been 180 days without pregnancy news. It has been another six months of tears, disappointment, and sadness.

It isn't like I didn't already know that I wasn't pregnant. I know that...heck, I LIVE that everyday. I know that I am not pregnant! But that simple question that I expect going to the dentist brings all of those feelings to the forefront.

Simple, right? The dentist. But as that visit is looming in the next couple of weeks, it leaves me aching even more than normal. Because yes, it has been another six months.

Even though simple things like dreading the dentist for "the question" instead of the horrible things that can happen to my tiny mouth, I still know that it is God's will.

Don't get me wrong, even though I may stress out, I know that God is in control of my life. He has a plan and I am just trotting along waiting for him to show me the way.


-Lisa-

Inspiration

We get inspiration from the strangest places. Sometimes from seeing what others have done, sometimes taking a walk around the block, or in my case recently from PINTEREST! It is addicting and I need to stop but I just love it so much. I found this "pin" and it is fueling my inspiration for today's blog:

How true is this?! Seriously. This sums up pretty much every life experience anyone has ever had. God has purposely placed obstacles and experiences in our life. He has planned our lives out perfectly.

I (and hopefully I am not alone in this) blame God when things go awry. It is so easy to say "God, why are you doing this to me? How could you let that person die? Why can't you fix this?" We reach out to Him with anger and bitterness in our heart. Everyone does it. If you say that you have never experienced this shortcoming, then you must be able to walk on water!

The best part is that God doesn't turn His back on us even when we do Him.

This quote shows me that God is always there to calm me, God's child. So when I want to scream, cry, and feel pity; God is there to comfort me. When I want to shout at Him in a moment of weakness, He will still be there to calm me.

For without these "storms" in my life, I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't have learned what He taught. I wouldn't see the glorious gifts He has waiting for me.

Without this "never ending hurricane" of infertility, Jeremy and I cannot become the people He needs us to be. Without the heartbreaking pain every month childless, we cannot grow as a married couple or brothers and sisters in Christ.

Think about every hardship that you have lived through...now think of how that changed you as a person. Were you able to share your story and help someone else? Were you able to better understand God's plan for you? Were you able to grow closer to Him?

Life is a journey. There are storms. There is sunshine. And sometimes a mild winter day (like we have had recently). God is there through it all. It makes me feel safe because God is with me no matter what.

-Lisa-

Celebrate!

So I am on the long road to a better me!

First week of Weight Watchers and I lost 4 pounds! I was so excited!

Isn't it weird that you don't realize changes until someone tells you? I honestly didn't think that I lost anything. I was surprised but as I left the meeting, I magically felt like I had changed. It just took the meeting and weigh in to give me some confidence.

I need to do a better job at building myself up. I definitely don't give myself enough credit. Granted God works through me everyday and He knows what I am capable of. It is just too bad that I have lacked that self-confidence; that is until tonight.

I am looking forward to the journey. I have  about 46 pounds more to go before I reach my goal weight but this first week definitely boosted my confidence.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

-Lisa-