Darkness

First of all, I am SUPER stoked to be down 7.6 pounds on Weight Watchers. It is suprisingly easy to follow. However, Jeremy has lost 6 pounds and he isn't even following it like I am. He is just eating my cooking! So frustrating how men lose so much quicker than women. Ugh!

I read this passage last night and this made me think of how this passage can be intrepreted.

John 1:5 says "The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." I have read this passage before without attaching much feeling or emotion to it. Last night was different.

Infertility can be a very dark time in life. I know that this is the case for us. This time of darkness is hard to comprehend as well. We struggle with lots of questions surrounding our infertility. Should we continue the same fertility treatment? Should we look into saving for in vitro? Is it our time to consider adoption?

My family is always great to remind me that I need to trust in God and nothing else. However, it is so hard to see answers in the dark. I need light to shine in my surroundings to know where to turn. I immediately thought this when reading John 1 last night.

This thought provoked me to read more. Jesus said "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life" in John 8:12. He has promised to be with me through all of life's joys and sorrows.

Isn't that great? For all of us? Even when I have found myself in the dark the last two and half years, I know that the Light of the World is with me.

He promises to shine His light even in this darkness of infertility.

-Lisa-

We are not alone in our pain

This video is amazing. It puts it in perspective of the pain that so many are suffering through. What ever we are going through, we are not alone. Our pain is not unique. There is always someone that relates. I also love that all of these women and men are placing their love and trust in God. So empowering!

-Lisa-

The Small Things

There's that saying that says something like "Don't sweat the small stuff."

To the writer of that quote, I say "Easier said than done."

I am one of those detail-oriented people. I have a list of "small stuff" that just plain drive me crazy. Here is a quick sampling:
*Being woke up just a few minutes before the alarm goes off
*The incessant meowing from my eager, ornery cat who wants fed at 4:45pm instead of 5:00pm (yes, 15 minutes but she MUST remain on schedule)
*When people move my chaotic stack of papers, coupons, books, etc. (It may look like a mess, but I know where everything is)

I hate that I let "small stuff" bug me. Especially the small things that bring me back to the negative thoughts dealing with infertility. I really try to do a good job of covering my feelings about infertility. I go to work and am able to pretend that I am not suffering with childlessness. I pretend that I am not hurting although the pain is unbearable. I have become an expert at suppressing those feelings until I am comfortable within the walls of my home.

However, some "small stuff" makes it really hard to keep everything together. And if you have never dealt with the feeling of helplessness like women dealing with infertility do everyday, then some of what I may say will sound ridiculous. You don't have to follow that with pity. I am not pitiful. I am strong.

THE SMALL 'THING'

The dentist. Yep, the dentist. I have an appointment every six months. I go to get a cleaning and x-rays. Every time I go, they ask the same question before placing the heavy, radiation-blocking apron across my body, "Is there any chance that you are pregnant?" A simple question.

However, this simple question that is asked every 180 days also reminds me that it has been 180 days without pregnancy news. It has been another six months of tears, disappointment, and sadness.

It isn't like I didn't already know that I wasn't pregnant. I know that...heck, I LIVE that everyday. I know that I am not pregnant! But that simple question that I expect going to the dentist brings all of those feelings to the forefront.

Simple, right? The dentist. But as that visit is looming in the next couple of weeks, it leaves me aching even more than normal. Because yes, it has been another six months.

Even though simple things like dreading the dentist for "the question" instead of the horrible things that can happen to my tiny mouth, I still know that it is God's will.

Don't get me wrong, even though I may stress out, I know that God is in control of my life. He has a plan and I am just trotting along waiting for him to show me the way.


-Lisa-

Inspiration

We get inspiration from the strangest places. Sometimes from seeing what others have done, sometimes taking a walk around the block, or in my case recently from PINTEREST! It is addicting and I need to stop but I just love it so much. I found this "pin" and it is fueling my inspiration for today's blog:

How true is this?! Seriously. This sums up pretty much every life experience anyone has ever had. God has purposely placed obstacles and experiences in our life. He has planned our lives out perfectly.

I (and hopefully I am not alone in this) blame God when things go awry. It is so easy to say "God, why are you doing this to me? How could you let that person die? Why can't you fix this?" We reach out to Him with anger and bitterness in our heart. Everyone does it. If you say that you have never experienced this shortcoming, then you must be able to walk on water!

The best part is that God doesn't turn His back on us even when we do Him.

This quote shows me that God is always there to calm me, God's child. So when I want to scream, cry, and feel pity; God is there to comfort me. When I want to shout at Him in a moment of weakness, He will still be there to calm me.

For without these "storms" in my life, I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't have learned what He taught. I wouldn't see the glorious gifts He has waiting for me.

Without this "never ending hurricane" of infertility, Jeremy and I cannot become the people He needs us to be. Without the heartbreaking pain every month childless, we cannot grow as a married couple or brothers and sisters in Christ.

Think about every hardship that you have lived through...now think of how that changed you as a person. Were you able to share your story and help someone else? Were you able to better understand God's plan for you? Were you able to grow closer to Him?

Life is a journey. There are storms. There is sunshine. And sometimes a mild winter day (like we have had recently). God is there through it all. It makes me feel safe because God is with me no matter what.

-Lisa-

Celebrate!

So I am on the long road to a better me!

First week of Weight Watchers and I lost 4 pounds! I was so excited!

Isn't it weird that you don't realize changes until someone tells you? I honestly didn't think that I lost anything. I was surprised but as I left the meeting, I magically felt like I had changed. It just took the meeting and weigh in to give me some confidence.

I need to do a better job at building myself up. I definitely don't give myself enough credit. Granted God works through me everyday and He knows what I am capable of. It is just too bad that I have lacked that self-confidence; that is until tonight.

I am looking forward to the journey. I have  about 46 pounds more to go before I reach my goal weight but this first week definitely boosted my confidence.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

-Lisa-

Prayer

Prayer is important. It didn't used to be important to me and I only prayed when I needed something from God and that was a bad habit to get into. I started studying and realizing that I was too needy. I needed to recognize the blessings that God has so richly blessed me with. So I started a new habit to replace my bad one.

Everyday on the way to work, I spend it in prayer. It is a 25 minute drive and it allows me to focus for the day. I put on my Women of Faith praise team CD and sing right along with it. I then thank God for the day, my family, my friends, my job, and all the many gifts that He has given me. It prevents me from begging Him for things that I want.

So often, we just use God as a sounding board to our problems. How often do we actually praise Him in our talks with Him? I know that I wasn't. I challenge you to start using your talks with God to be more about what you already have than what we really want. It has changed my relationship with Him and also changed my outlook on my life.

Of course, I still find myself asking God for things. Be it a family, protection, guidance, or the health of people. But I am making more of an effort to praise Him. I am not a perfect conversationalist with God, I try. And that's all that matters.

Here is the quick prayer I prayed this morning:

Thank you, God for this new week and new day. I know that Mondays can be difficult but I know that you are with me guiding my way. I will use this day to honor you. Thank you for my loving husband who loves me for who I am. I am so glad that you chose him to be my partner in life. Thank you for guiding me to the path of teaching. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life. I am especially grateful for my family. They have helped me get to this point in my life and their influence guided me to you. Be with me throughout this day. When I start to waiver, I know that you will be there with me to put me on the right path. Direct me to make the right decisions for my kids and for my life today. It is in your Son's name that I pray. Amen.


-Lisa-

The Joy of Success

As a middle school teacher, we have days where we leave just utterly ticked off. Something happened, or didn't happen; you feel like nothing was accomplished; the kids were just off; I was just off, etc.

BUT today wasn't one of those days! I left feeling great.

It isn't often in normal day to day life where you get the feeling of overwhelming success, like you have made a difference. Luckily, in a teacher's every day to day life, we do! I love the "a-ha" moment. I love to see my "kids" learning and loving it. I love seeing them change and grow. I see it all the time.

Those moments keep me going. I may have a bad day but it could be the next day when a kid tells me that they know I really love them and I am not just pretending. It could be the next day when a kid tells me that he never knew he could write like he did.

I am so used to these great kid moments that make my life as a teacher worthwhile. BUT I don't usually feel successful outside of work. I go home and I have a great husband who I love unconditionally but I don't feel successful there. It is no great fete to love him. I just do. Our marriage just works, we don't have to work it.

Today, I felt successful outside of work. I received an email from a friend who had been reading my blog. (I hope she doesn't mind me posting this!) I know that God knew I needed that email from her right then. I was feeling down and a little off around lunch time, like nothing was going right. After reading her spontaneous email, I was in tears. But not depressing tears, happy ones. I was so touched that she would take the time to write those encouraging words. She said all of the right things that I needed at that time. She was building me up and making me feel better about myself. I don't think she will ever know how much that email touched me today.

Another example of why I am so blessed. I have amazing friendships and amazing people around me. That includes my "kids". God has put all of these supports in my life. Each experience that I live through pushes me closer and closer to Him.

HE allows me to feel successful. HE allows me to be strong. HE guides and directs my path. HE nurtures and loves me in even my darkest times. HE is my rock.

I hope you get to feel success today. It is such a great feeling!

-Lisa-