I Feel Like...

First of all, I feel like I am getting the shaft when it comes to ultrasounds. When I was with my RE, Dr. Kim, I had an ultrasound every week. I haven't seen MY BABIES for four weeks! I have heard heartbeats a couple of times, but not SEEN them. And I won't see them until our 20 week gender scan in...wait for it...7 more weeks!

I know that twins nowadays are more normal than they used to be. I know that I am not necessarily "high risk" but I just feel like I am being treated like a regular pregnancy so far. Maybe that is how it should be...I don't know. I am new at this whole pregnant thing. I have appointments every four weeks until we hit 20 weeks. Then the plan is to have appointments every two weeks.

So my question to you guys (the wiser ones), is this normal?? Am I just worried for nothing? I know I got spoiled with Dr. Kim but I just feel like I should see them on the screen. By the time 20 weeks hits, I won't have seen them for nearly 12 weeks!! That is insane!

I have questioned them multiple times but they said since they can find the two heartbeats and they are healthy heartbeats that I don't need an ultrasound. But I want one!

We turned down the NT scan. I know we could have seen them then but it really isn't as accurate with twins and to be honest, it doesn't matter to us. We aren't going to terminate the pregnancy so we are fine with that choice.

So, sorry for the rant. But I am concerned that I am not seeing them as much as I should. So please let me know if this is normal or not.

-Lisa-

Welcome ICLW!

I am so glad to get back into ICLW. I took the month of December off so I could have a break during the holidays and also didn't want to spill my news too early.

You are welcome to look through my TTC Timeline. We received the best news EVER around Thanksgiving. Our IUI #2 worked. We then found out in December that we were having TWINS. I am now 12w2d.

I thought that once I got pregnant, I would be able to relax. SO, not the case. I have been a nervous wreck since finding out about the twins. I just pray non-stop that they both decide to hang around for at least 24 more weeks or so.

Our journey seems to be changing over to parenthood and I struggle with making this change. We have TTC for 3.5 years and that has been our life. We are so excited about this next chapter of infertility but it is uncharted territory for us.

So, welcome! Ask questions, leave comments, and I look forward to following some all new blogs in the process.

-Lisa-

Dazed & Confused @ 11 weeks

Happy Friday, everyone!

I have tried to write a post for over a week and just now getting around to it. I am struggling with this new role as "pregnant infertile". I don't quite know how to deal with living a double life which also means I don't know what to write about.

Nearly my entire marriage has been about trying to get pregnant. It became my identity. Now, although I am ecstatic, I don't know where or how I fit that role anymore. It is a strange but also a glorious place to be in.

I feel as if I have not allowed myself to feel excited yet. Being the infertile skeptic, I am waiting for the bad news to come. Every pinch, tweak, cramp, symptom disappearing, headache, makes me think it is all over. It is exhausting! I don't sleep because when I do I dream about horrible results of this pregnancy. I am truly a basket case.

I was supposed to have my new OB appointment today. I got a call this morning that the nurse practitioner was sick and so I had to reschedule for Wednesday. This panicked me. I begged and cried to just see someone, anyone today. I just wanted to make sure the babies were still doing well. One of the doctors had an opening so I took it.

It wasn't a "real" appointment. They used the doppler to make sure everything sounded good. Both babies are still there and moving like crazy. The heartbeats were 174 and 170. She said they kept moving around so she had to keep moving the doppler. I was so relieved.

The bad news is that I am spilling too much protein in my urine. I have to admit that I haven't really been eating as much I should. I am just not hungry but I have to start forcing myself. I have gained 7.5 pounds and they want me around 11 pounds by now. So my goal is to try and feed my face as much as possible.

I started showing a bit last week. This week, I am having a hard time covering up my bump. I keep waiting for one of my overzealous 7th graders to shout out that I have got fat or something. So far, they don't seem to notice. One girl did ask why I have been wearing jackets everyday. She accepted the simple "I am cold" response and moved on. I am not brave enough to post my growing mid section for the world to see. Maybe when I look clearly pregnant and not like I ate too much McDonalds, I will post something.

Hopefully I will have some new pictures of the beans on Wednesday to post here! Have a great weekend!

-Lisa-

Happy 2013!!

I have been working on this infertility journey video for months. I stopped working on it because I hated that we didn't have a happy ending yet. So shortly after finding out about the twins, I finished it. Here it is:

Welcome 2013! I can't wait!

I have officially had this blog for a year! Last year, I wrote about my 2012 resolutions. Here was my list last year:

1. Let God's will be, I can't plan or control my life because it is HIS to control
2. Keep praying for our family but not obsess over it because it is for HIS divine purpose
3. Let stress and anxiety roll off my back
4. Love my family, husband, and friends more (I feel I have neglected them in my depression state)
5. Yes, LOSE WEIGHT. It needs to happen. I am hoping I don't give up one month in



 

 

As I look back on my 2012 (which has literally flown by!), I can see God's plan in place for us. Going through infertility and being in the trenches, it is so easy to place blame and be bitter. I was. But His plan only makes sense after something in our lives works out. We don't always see the purpose of losing our job or being turned down for an interview until we see the greatness that came from it. The same holds true for our infertility this year.

 

I didn't meet all of my resolutions for 2012. I did lose 56 pounds. Woo-hoo! I found a closer relationship with God and we found our church home. I did love more and stress less. I prayed for our family non-stop. The one thing I know I still need to work on is letting God's will be. It is hard for me to not plan my entire life; I am a planner and I have a problem giving up full control.

 

To think that at this time next year, we will have two adorable babies in our arms, makes my life feel complete. However, if I don't continue to grow as a person and as a believer, it will all be for not. So here is my new list of resolutions for 2013:

 

1. Keep praying to God and praising His name. If not for Him, we wouldn't have these two amazing miracles growing inside me.

2. Be a great Mom.

3. Serve God in all aspects of my life.

4. Be healthy and stay healthy for myself and my family.

 

 

This is a quote from my blog post back on December 31, 2011:

"Therefore, I am changing my view of infertility. I am not going to let the enemy convince me that it is something that has happened to me because God is angry with me or that He has forgotten me. Infertility has a purpose."

 

I pray that each of you can find your own peace with the cards that we are dealt. It is so easy to become bitter and angry. I was. But everything has a purpose. Sometimes we will only know the purpose by going through the crap and the muck. I pray that in 2013 you are able to enjoy life and hopefully your dreams and prayers are answered.

 

-Lisa-  

Survivor's Guilt, HUGE NEWS, & Lying by Omission

It has been awhile. In fact, as I write this post...I am still unsure when I will actually get around to posting it. I have been adding bits and pieces for a couple of weeks just waiting for the right time to share it. My last "real" post was WAY back in November and since I started blogging, this is by far the longest break I have taken.

All for good reason.

Let me start off by saying, I am sorry. I am sorry for a lot, actually. I am sorry that I have been hiding from the blog. And I am sorry that I can't make sure that all of you have the amazing news that we were blessed with recently.

The day after Thanksgiving, I went in for what I thought was my CD3 scan. You can remember that bitter post where it was all over right here. The ultrasound tech realized that I hadn't shed my lining so that the bleeding and cramping that I had been experiencing was not ole Aunt Flo after all. They ordered more tests, including  HCG. It came back positive 12dpiui at 45.

We went back 72 hours later and it was 351. We went back 48 hours later and it was 943. My doubling times were crazy. But being the skeptic infertile I am, I waited for the bomb to drop. I was waiting for bad news.

We had a couple of weeks where we went about our days knowing that we might, quite possibly be pregnant. This was and still is a foreign feeling, by the way. Our 6 week, 3 day ultrasound was on December 12. To our utter shock, surprise and elation we saw two amazing sacs with two amazing heartbeats. TWINS! I cried. Jeremy sat with his jaw agape. The sonographer, Sara, cried with me. (She has been with me through all the scans for 3 years.)

We went to sit in the waiting room and both of us were literally shaking. We have NEVER received good news about our family. EVER. We have never felt like this journey would end. We always hoped that it would, but neither of us were ever able to picture a happy ending.

Our angels due August 4, 2013! 

BABY B @ 7w3d

BABY A @ 7w3d

After the overwhelming joy of our blessings, the guilt hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I turned to Jeremy crying on our way home and said, "Why us? There are so many women and men out there waiting for their babies. How did we get two?" Jeremy's response was simply, "It is our time. It will be their time at some point too."

And here is where I start having survivor's guilt. If this works and these two gorgeous babies decide to stick around (Lord, I hope so!), I vow to NEVER become a "fertile". I know the horrible mindset of those pesky fertiles and their disregard for the feelings of us, infertile. I will not be a fertile. I will always and forever be an infertile at heart. I know the struggle. I know the sadness. I know the tears. I know the heartbreak. I will never forget.

I know that some of you are hating my news. Some secretly. Some not so secretly. I have been there. For three and half years, I watched friend after friend get the happy ending I dreamed about. I heard and saw so many blogging friends post bump pictures and pregnancy updates. I would politely post a congratulations but the truth was that I was so jealous of their pregnancies, growing bellies, and baby plans. I wanted it for me. So, I won't make you read my posts anymore if you don't wish to.

I was going to make another blog for the pregnancy. But I can't bring myself to do it. This is my blog. I will try not to throw it in your face because I know that stings. But I will most likely post about my pregnancy experiences mixed in with some infertile rants as well. (I still love ranting!)

I need this blog and quite frankly, need all of you. But I do understand if my news makes it difficult for you. I wish we all could see the end to the long tunnel of infertility.

I hope you join me in this new chapter of our journey. I also hope that you forgive me for keeping this from you all for so long. I didn't know how to approach the news or how to say it. (I probably still ticked some of you off even though I tried not to.) I didn't mean to lie by omission but I needed time to wrap my mind around this all.

I thought worrying was over after the ultrasound. Truth is, worrying has taken on a brand new kind of meaning. I worry more now than I ever have! So I would appreciate any prayers, special thoughts, etc. because I am downright worried and frightened that this awesome news can be taken away from us at any time.

I haven't really told anyone about this news outside our circle of very close friends and family. We are almost 9 weeks and it is still too early to break it to them. I am not making a Facebook announcement, so if you are a Facebook friend and reading this, please hold off on the congratulations there until we are ready.

I am not really showing yet (just a pooch) and have not gained any weight yet. With twins I thought I would be huge from the get-go, but I am not complaining. I have been sick nearly everyday. It is a constant feeling of nausea which is probably why I haven't gained any weight yet. We saw our RE to say goodbye today. We took them a tray of goodies for the staff to all share. They will definitely be missed. At today's appointment, we were 8w5d and Baby A measured 8w4d with 184 bpm and Baby B measured 8w4d with 185 bpm. They are growing so quickly!!

Keep believing and trusting! Don't give up!

-Lisa-

Merry Christmas!!!

It has been  nearly 4 weeks since I last posted! Crazy! So much has happened in four weeks.

I promise that my huge news and long updating post is coming soon.

For now, I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

I wish you all a stress-free next couple of days because I know the holidays are tough.

-Lisa-