A Cluster of Un-awesomeness & Bitterness

Let me start off by saying that I tried to not get my hopes up this cycle. I tried really hard. But then as the two week wait went on, I slowly, deep down had really positive thoughts. I started feeling every twinge and every cramp and thought that this could be it. Jeremy and I started having conversations of what would we do, what would we say, how would we react. I even had dreams I was actually pregnant. Some crazy and wacky, but still got my hopes up.

I have been super crampy the last couple days and started spotting today. Not a lot. Barely there actually. I called the doctor and left a a message on the nurse's line. I know I won't hear back until tomorrow since it is nearly 4:30 central time. I am not new to this cycle game. They are going to tell me not to worry and that it could be implantation spotting. I am CD 23 and 10 days post ovulation, 8 days post iui. I get it, it very well could be.

But what if it isn't? I berate myself for believing in this cycle's dream. I blame myself for getting both of our hopes too high only to start over again.

I heard a talk on bitterness on K-Love a few days ago. A man on there explained bitterness to be a barrier we build around our heart. We put it there to prevent us from feeling. We put it there to prevent our heart from hurting. But God doesn't want us to be bitter. He wants us to feel, even if it hurts. It means we are alive. We learn from those feelings to better ourselves and our relationships. (Keep in mind, this is one man's interpretation.)

I know that I should not try to protect myself but I don't know how else to deal with the emotional roller coaster of infertility. I think we have to build those barriers around our heart because otherwise my heart would have broken into a thousand pieces long ago.

I know that however this cycle turns up, we will march forward. I just wish that we could march forward with a pregnant belly and healthy baby. I pray that these symptoms are just from implantation. The barrier around my heart wasn't as strong this time; my heart is going to break a little.
-Lisa-

God, Christmas, Prayers

Good morning! It is such a beautiful morning in KC today. Wish I was running, but instead I am getting ready to go to church. We haven't been to church in a couple weeks either for our IUI last week or being out of town the previous week. I know that the physical building of the church isn't much to some people. However, being able to sing and worship God every week really does recharge my spirit. I feel like my week goes better when I have taken the time to praise God. It gives me a focus of Him for the rest of the week. I have missed our church friends and am actually so excited to get there!

I also caved and put up some of our Christmas decorations last night. Lola, the evil cat, is in heaven. She loves Christmas. The dangling ornaments, the ribbons on presents, and lights. She has been more pleasant the last 24 hours than she has in months.

Also, say a prayer for my friend, Amanda, over at Growing Griswolds. She is 6dp5dt and has a very strong pink line for pregnancy. Pray that those healthy babies stick and she has a healthy, successful pregnancy.


-Lisa-

Day 17...ugh!

As you know, I am sick of NaBloPoMo. I forgot why I thought this was a good idea. After this post, I will only have 13 more posts. I. Can. Do. This. I am all for accepting challenges and beating them. I don't even think there is a prize for NaBloPoMo but it proves something to myself.

Since I don't have much to share...and they don't give me prompts on the weekends...here is your funny for the day:

Here is your inspirational for the day:

Have a great weekend!
-Lisa-

No Ghosts for This Wuss!

The NaBloPoMo prompt for today is "Would you buy your dream house if the price was right BUT you also were told it was inhabited by ghosts?"

(By the way, I am tiring quickly from having to make a blog post everyday. This NaBloPoMo has definitely challenged me. To be honest, I don't feel like making a post today but I will because I have made it to the half way point and won't give up.)

I have stated before that I am terrified of nearly everything. This includes even the talk of ghosts. I am not necessarily even a believer of ghosts but I still get spooked by the thought of spirits roaming. Let alone have those wayward spirits haunting my home!

So would I buy my dream house? Heck, no! I would rather live in an overly expensive dump of a house than a cheap, haunted dream house. I enjoy sleep and comfort at home. I wouldn't be able to have that if ghosts lived there too!

As for me, I still believe that this progesterone sucks. I took Tylenol (since that is all I can take) to work with me today. Popping those every few hours has helped. I also asked for permission to run or work out. The nurse says it is a no go. They want me to take it easy and not elevate my body temperature or heart rate until we take a HPT next week. I guess it is for the best but the obsessive person inside is dying to run! Here in KC, the weather has been amazing running weather lately. Brisk in the morning and evenings with highs in the 60's. Perfect fall running. Not for this lady. All for the best if this works!

-Lisa-

Headaches & Favorites

I officially hate this Endometrin (progesterone suppositories)! I have had the worst headaches I have ever experienced today. It truly makes me feel like POOP! If I knew how poop felt, I imagine it would be something like how I have felt all day long. My eyeballs could have easily burst out of my eye sockets with the amount of pain I dealt with. Surprisingly enough, I didn't go off on any ill-behaved students. Although, very tempting at times.

NaBloPoMo wants me to declare a favorite pet. I have two...so one of them is getting thrown under the bus.

I know that it is horrible for a mom to play favorites. But...I am pretty sure I was Mom's favorite out of the four kids...right, Mom? Ha! So if it is bad to play favorites, then I am about to be labeled as the worst pet Mom ever! My choice is easy.

• Lola: 7 year old tabby cat. She weighs in at a whopping 15 pounds. She carries around a satchel of fat around her mid-section. She loves ME. Only me. She licks and nuzzles me. But the honest truth is that Lola is one of the meanest, vindictive cats I have known. She purposefully attacks people and other animals. She will stalk and pounce right when they are feeling safe. She bites Jeremy in his sleep. She never forgets. If you have ever wronged her in any way, she will hold that grudge against you forever. Do I love her? Yes. No one else does. In fact, Lola has quite the reputation in our family as the evil one. My 14 year old nephew is even terrified of Lola. When spending the night at our house, my nephew couldn't sleep because the evil cat snuck into the guest bedroom. True story. By the way, Lola hates our other pet, Bella, with a passion. She walks up and punches her in the face for no apparent reason.
• Bella: 4 year old beagle. She weighs in at 21 pounds. She is slim and trim for a beagle. She has the sweetest face I have ever seen. Her floppy ears drive me to cute insanity and her eyes melt my heart. She loves EVERYONE. I mean everyone. And I have never met anyone that doesn't immediately love her in return. She is always happy to see us when we get home. It doesn't matter if we were gone for 5 minutes or all day long. She wouldn't harm a fly. Even when the evil one punches her, Bella just looks at her in bewilderment. This does mean that Bella is a push over. She is scared of everything (just like her momma).

Bella

Bella

The girls...not fighting

Before Miss Bella came along

The girls begging...as usual

Lola

My Girls

So...my favorite? Do I even need to state it? Here is a hint...the most lovable one!

-Lisa-

Sweet & Sour Chicken

NaBloPoMo wants me to tell about the best meal I have ever cooked.

Let's start off by saying that my husband is well fed. He gets food cooked for him every night. That doesn't mean any of that is ever considered "good". So my best meal cooked isn't going to be that fabulous.

I am a baker. I love to bake. Ask me my best dessert and I could tell you. That is my forte.

So I asked my husband what my best meal is. He loves when I make sweet and sour chicken. It isn't store bought or frozen. I found this amazing recipe when I started Weight Watchers. It is light on the points but I must say it is pretty tasty. It takes about an hour and a half so it is not a quick meal to make but it definitely is yummy!

For the Chicken

• 3 -4 boneless skinless chicken breasts (cut into chunks)
• salt and pepper, to taste
• 1 cup cornstarch
• 2 eggs (slightly beaten)
• 1/4 cup canola oil or 1/4 cup vegetable oil

For the Sauce

• 3/4 cup sugar
• 4 tablespoons ketchup
• 1/2 cup vinegar (preferably rice or white)
• 1 tablespoon soy sauce
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder

Directions:

1. 1
   Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
2. 2
   Season chicken with salt and pepper.
3. 3
   Working in two batches, toss the chicken pieces in cornstarch and then coat with the egg.
4. 4
   Heat the oil over medium-high heat and again in two batches, brown the chicken, turning it so that all sides are browned but not cooked through.
5. 5
   Place the chicken in a single layer in a foil lined 9x13 inch baking dish.
6. 6
   Wisk together the sauce ingredients in a small bowl.
7. 7
   Pour sauce evenly over the chicken and turn the chicken to ensure each piece is coated.
8. 8
   Bake for 1 hour, turning the chicken every 15 minutes.

 

 

 

 

 

-Lisa-

Infertile Bravery

As I continue NaBloPoMo, I am going to try and stay away from the scary topic of THIS CYCLE. Any thoughts I may have come across as negative and so it is best to keep those thoughts pushed deep down. However, I have a confession. I have been googling successes of natural ovulation before trigger shots. I. NEED. TO. STOP.

The question for today is "What is the bravest thing you've ever done?"

I am not a courageous person by definition. I haven't fought off a man-eating zombie. I haven't defended my dog from a bear. I am scared of scary movies. I am scared of even talking about scary movies. If Jeremy shouts or screams out of nowhere, I jump.

I am not brave.

However, many people see what we have been going through the last three years as bravery. I don't necessarily see it that way because it is something we HAVE to deal with. We don't have a choice to choose the easy path. We have to travel down the scary, wooded path of infertility. Yes, I give myself shots. Yes, I have had more blood drained than a vampire's prey. Yes, I have been "wanded" more times than many women could imagine.

Brave? I don't think so. It is out of necessity that us infertiles forge on. If we stop being "brave", our dreams can't become reality. And that is not an option.

-Lisa-