Steven Curtis Chapman "Long Way Home"
Friday, September 7, 2012
"Our Movie" in progress...
I am working on creating an infertility bio video. I have seen so many and I want to tell our story through that avenue. So I am working on it. I can't pick between two songs...so I may just add them both to the video. Here are the songs I am torn between (both upbeat a bit because I don't want it to be sad!).
Steven Curtis Chapman "Long Way Home"
Brandi Carlisle "The Story"
Steven Curtis Chapman "Long Way Home"
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Forgiveness
I have always believed that forgiveness is HUGE when trying to walk the Christian path. But it is SO hard to do.
It is so easy for me to harbor those feelings of jealousy, envy, anger, revenge, etc. towards others. I, as a woman, NEVER forget the horrible things that are said or done. I can name specific phrases that were spoken to Jeremy and I when we didn't have children after a year of marriage. I can remember when and where I was when someone disrespected our family. I can remember the overwhelming sadness when a friend didn't say the right thing in addressing our infertility. Heck, I can remember word for word what Jeremy said two months ago that hurt my feelings. So I have quite the problem of letting go and forgiving. I know that holding onto all of those pent up frustrations and emotions is only hurting me. So I have been praying for the ability to forgive.
In my prayers on the way to school today, I realized that I haven't forgiven myself. When it hit me, I was brought to tears and nearly lost my breath. How have I held onto these hateful feelings? How have I held onto blame and fault? All dealing with me!
Maybe some of you won't understand these thoughts and that's good. However, many of us living with infertility, need to start the forgiveness process by first forgiving ourselves.
The truth is...I blame myself. It is MY stupid body that won't cooperate. It is MY fault that we had to waste thousands on IVF. It is MY responsibility that Jeremy is not a dad. If only I was better. If only I would have done this. If only I would have tried this. If only I had chosen a different doctor.
(Yep, those are real thoughts!)
So driving along this morning as I prayed for forgiveness...BAM! Lisa, how can you forgive others if you can't forgive yourself? Word.
Has anyone ever had the experience of forgiving yourself? Where do I start? What do I do? I worry that no matter what I do...I will always know that it is my fault. Even if I forgive myself...the underlying guilt and sadness of our infertility is always going to be there.
I think part of forgiving myself has to be a realization of our situation. It isn't going to change. We will always have infertility even if we get our family one day. It will always be there. We will always have these years spent in the unknowing realm of an infertile couple. So, I accept it. It is what it is. It sucks. But I accept it. All of it.
Now what? I am supposed to magically move on without guilt, blame, jealousy, and anger?
I want to forgive myself and allow myself to move on. It is a slow process as is forgiving others. So as I work through this muddy area of my life, I hope to learn how to forgive. God has shown such grace for me. If He can forgive my sins, it is the least that I can do to forgive others and to start forgiving myself.
As always, prayers are appreciated. I am using this fertility break to really get my mind and heart right with God. This is just one step of many more to come, I am sure.
-Lisa-
It is so easy for me to harbor those feelings of jealousy, envy, anger, revenge, etc. towards others. I, as a woman, NEVER forget the horrible things that are said or done. I can name specific phrases that were spoken to Jeremy and I when we didn't have children after a year of marriage. I can remember when and where I was when someone disrespected our family. I can remember the overwhelming sadness when a friend didn't say the right thing in addressing our infertility. Heck, I can remember word for word what Jeremy said two months ago that hurt my feelings. So I have quite the problem of letting go and forgiving. I know that holding onto all of those pent up frustrations and emotions is only hurting me. So I have been praying for the ability to forgive.
In my prayers on the way to school today, I realized that I haven't forgiven myself. When it hit me, I was brought to tears and nearly lost my breath. How have I held onto these hateful feelings? How have I held onto blame and fault? All dealing with me!
Maybe some of you won't understand these thoughts and that's good. However, many of us living with infertility, need to start the forgiveness process by first forgiving ourselves.
The truth is...I blame myself. It is MY stupid body that won't cooperate. It is MY fault that we had to waste thousands on IVF. It is MY responsibility that Jeremy is not a dad. If only I was better. If only I would have done this. If only I would have tried this. If only I had chosen a different doctor.
(Yep, those are real thoughts!)
So driving along this morning as I prayed for forgiveness...BAM! Lisa, how can you forgive others if you can't forgive yourself? Word.
Has anyone ever had the experience of forgiving yourself? Where do I start? What do I do? I worry that no matter what I do...I will always know that it is my fault. Even if I forgive myself...the underlying guilt and sadness of our infertility is always going to be there.
I think part of forgiving myself has to be a realization of our situation. It isn't going to change. We will always have infertility even if we get our family one day. It will always be there. We will always have these years spent in the unknowing realm of an infertile couple. So, I accept it. It is what it is. It sucks. But I accept it. All of it.
Now what? I am supposed to magically move on without guilt, blame, jealousy, and anger?
I want to forgive myself and allow myself to move on. It is a slow process as is forgiving others. So as I work through this muddy area of my life, I hope to learn how to forgive. God has shown such grace for me. If He can forgive my sins, it is the least that I can do to forgive others and to start forgiving myself.
As always, prayers are appreciated. I am using this fertility break to really get my mind and heart right with God. This is just one step of many more to come, I am sure.
-Lisa-
Monday, August 27, 2012
Four years and counting...
Jeremy and I are getting ready to celebrate our FOUR YEAR ANNIVERSARY! On Thursday, we will officially be married for four years. We celebrated our anniversary on Saturday and as part of our dinner conversation, we reflected on the last four years.
Both of us thought back to 2008. We were just so happy to be married and start our family. We had such hope for our future together. Our lives weren't plagued with the idea of infertility. We didn't worry about hormone levels. We didn't take copious amounts of vitamins. We didn't have to worry about spending all of our money on a shot of having a child. We were just in love.
We have an everyday struggle with the idea that we have to buy our child instead of having a child naturally. Back then, we had no idea the obstacles we would face. However, we would not be as strong without going through infertility. We would not be as concerned for our faith and we wouldn't be as concerned with others without going through infertility. So although we wish we didn't have to suffer through this trial in our life...we know that it has changed us for the better.
We also realized that in the last four years...we have done A LOT! It is easy to just see INFERTILITY as our label. But truth be told, we have had a GREAT four years together as man and wife. So our anniversary dinner conversation didn't focus on "poor, childless us." Instead we reminisced about our amazing adventures we have been on.
We bought our house right before our wedding. We have gradually fixed it up to where the house is now our home.
We adopted our precious and adorable dog, Bella. She has filled our lives with joy. Really. She may be a dog but she is our baby. She has helped ease the pain of an empty cradle. We really do obsess over her and love her dearly.
We have had the ability to travel and see lots of different places. All not possible if we had children. A blessing for us.
-Lisa-
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| So in love... |
Both of us thought back to 2008. We were just so happy to be married and start our family. We had such hope for our future together. Our lives weren't plagued with the idea of infertility. We didn't worry about hormone levels. We didn't take copious amounts of vitamins. We didn't have to worry about spending all of our money on a shot of having a child. We were just in love.
We have an everyday struggle with the idea that we have to buy our child instead of having a child naturally. Back then, we had no idea the obstacles we would face. However, we would not be as strong without going through infertility. We would not be as concerned for our faith and we wouldn't be as concerned with others without going through infertility. So although we wish we didn't have to suffer through this trial in our life...we know that it has changed us for the better.
We also realized that in the last four years...we have done A LOT! It is easy to just see INFERTILITY as our label. But truth be told, we have had a GREAT four years together as man and wife. So our anniversary dinner conversation didn't focus on "poor, childless us." Instead we reminisced about our amazing adventures we have been on.
We bought our house right before our wedding. We have gradually fixed it up to where the house is now our home.
 |
| Our humble abode |
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| The day we brought her home |
We have had the ability to travel and see lots of different places. All not possible if we had children. A blessing for us.
 |
| San Diego 2009 |
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| Chicago 2009 |
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| Seattle 2010 |
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| South Dakota 2011 |
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| Los Angeles 2009 |
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| San Francisco 2009 |
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| Las Vegas 2012 |
So although the last four years have been bumpy. I do know that we are both looking forward to what is ahead in our future. We both firmly believe in God and God's plan for us. Wherever he leads us, we will follow. We know that there are many adventures for us in the next SIXTY years or so...we can't wait!
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Supplements, Supplements, Supplements
Here is a quick post about the vitamins/supplements that Jeremy and I are taking. We realize that these supplements are not a "quick fix" to our infertility issues. However, during our long break from treatments, it makes sense for us to try something so we can possibly conceive naturally. (Cross our fingers)
Okay. You will soon see how unfair the dosage is between Jeremy and myself.
He only takes three vitamins a day. A regular multivitamin that we both take and have taken for a few years now. Just promotes overall health. He also takes two different types of FertilAid supplements. (I am unaware of how expensive these supplements are. We won a year's supply at an infertility conference.) The FertilAid for Men promotes sperm count and motility. It is developed to optimize sperm quality but also has complete vitamin and antioxidant support. He also takes Fertile Detox for women and men (I take this one as well). It is designed to support the body's detoxification system and protect against harmful contaminants. Toxins in the environment can affect menstrual cycle abnormalities and also sperm quality. So this supplements helps neutralize those toxins to promote reproductive health.
I take the same multivitamin as Jeremy. But I also take a prenatal vitamin. It is really important to make sure that you take a high level of Folic Acid even when trying to have children so it reduces the risk of premature births and also birth defects. I have been taking a prenatal vitamins for 4 years. I also take three different types of FertilAid supplements. (Again, we won a year's supply at a conference so I am not sure how much these actually cost.) FertilAid for women has a complete vitamin and antioxidant support. It is supposed to promote female hormonal balance and reproductive wellness. I take the same FertileDetox as Jeremy which neutralizes toxins. I also take Fertile CM which increases quantity and quality cervical mucus (sorry TMI). But many fertility issues have to do with this because insufficient fluid or hostile fluid inhibit the transport of sperm to the egg.
I also take three additional supplements that I got from GNC. Vitex is taken twice a day and is costs about $9 for 100 capsules. The Vitex fruit is used to provide balance in the women's cycle. It lengthens the luteal phase which allows for proper implanting of an embryo. Royal Jelly was about $16 for 30 capsules. It comes from worker bees and helps the hormone imbalance. It also promotes good egg growth and quality. DHEA is a hormone that all women and promotes estrogen in women and testosterone in men.
I would love to hear of other supplements that my infertility bloggers are taking as well. I want to try anything and everything that we can to make the long wait worthwhile to us.
-Lisa-
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| Jeremy's Vitamins |
He only takes three vitamins a day. A regular multivitamin that we both take and have taken for a few years now. Just promotes overall health. He also takes two different types of FertilAid supplements. (I am unaware of how expensive these supplements are. We won a year's supply at an infertility conference.) The FertilAid for Men promotes sperm count and motility. It is developed to optimize sperm quality but also has complete vitamin and antioxidant support. He also takes Fertile Detox for women and men (I take this one as well). It is designed to support the body's detoxification system and protect against harmful contaminants. Toxins in the environment can affect menstrual cycle abnormalities and also sperm quality. So this supplements helps neutralize those toxins to promote reproductive health.
 |
| Lisa's Vitamins |
 |
| More of Lisa's Vitamins |
I take the same multivitamin as Jeremy. But I also take a prenatal vitamin. It is really important to make sure that you take a high level of Folic Acid even when trying to have children so it reduces the risk of premature births and also birth defects. I have been taking a prenatal vitamins for 4 years. I also take three different types of FertilAid supplements. (Again, we won a year's supply at a conference so I am not sure how much these actually cost.) FertilAid for women has a complete vitamin and antioxidant support. It is supposed to promote female hormonal balance and reproductive wellness. I take the same FertileDetox as Jeremy which neutralizes toxins. I also take Fertile CM which increases quantity and quality cervical mucus (sorry TMI). But many fertility issues have to do with this because insufficient fluid or hostile fluid inhibit the transport of sperm to the egg.
I also take three additional supplements that I got from GNC. Vitex is taken twice a day and is costs about $9 for 100 capsules. The Vitex fruit is used to provide balance in the women's cycle. It lengthens the luteal phase which allows for proper implanting of an embryo. Royal Jelly was about $16 for 30 capsules. It comes from worker bees and helps the hormone imbalance. It also promotes good egg growth and quality. DHEA is a hormone that all women and promotes estrogen in women and testosterone in men.
I would love to hear of other supplements that my infertility bloggers are taking as well. I want to try anything and everything that we can to make the long wait worthwhile to us.
-Lisa-
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Updates Galore
So what should I write about on the blog? We are not doing infertility treatments, so I struggle with how I keep the blog going through our seemingly long break.
Here is what has happened since last post: SCHOOL! Ugh! The school year is back and I am back to work. As much as I dread the early mornings and the actual "work" part, I am excited to meet new kids. Even on my worst days as a teacher, I really do love what I do.
One the fertility front: I started taking different supplements. I researched different herbs and vitamins. I now take about 14 pills a day and Jeremy takes 3 (not fair!). I take a few different supplements from FertilAid, Royal Bee Jelly, Vitex, DHEA, prenatal vitamin, and a multivitamin. I have even looked into doing acupuncture treatment. I figure we have done so many medical treatments and prescription drugs that it is time to try the natural/herbal route. Heck, we are taking a break from doctors so I might as well try my own treatments!
On the relationship front: I feel like I have said this a million times but Jeremy is an amazing husband. When I hear stories of husbands not sticking around when their wives can't give them children, it breaks my heart. Mainly because I know what it feels like to have that undying support no matter if I am pregnant or not. If anything, Jeremy has become a better husband in the last three years because we have suffered with infertility. I even think that I have become a better wife. Our four year anniversary is at the end of the month (post to come later about this), and it just makes me feel so blessed to have Jeremy as my partner on this whole infertility journey.
On the weight loss front: I am still working on it. I was bad this week and didn't run as much as I have been. School and prepping for the school year have knocked me on my butt! I have been so exhausted that I get home and don't even have the energy to get off the couch. But I will get back on track and on a new schedule next week. So far, I have lost 45 pounds and have about 10 more to go till I will feel satisfied. The weight came off slowly this summer. That OHSS illness really messed me up!
-Lisa-
Here is what has happened since last post: SCHOOL! Ugh! The school year is back and I am back to work. As much as I dread the early mornings and the actual "work" part, I am excited to meet new kids. Even on my worst days as a teacher, I really do love what I do.
One the fertility front: I started taking different supplements. I researched different herbs and vitamins. I now take about 14 pills a day and Jeremy takes 3 (not fair!). I take a few different supplements from FertilAid, Royal Bee Jelly, Vitex, DHEA, prenatal vitamin, and a multivitamin. I have even looked into doing acupuncture treatment. I figure we have done so many medical treatments and prescription drugs that it is time to try the natural/herbal route. Heck, we are taking a break from doctors so I might as well try my own treatments!
On the relationship front: I feel like I have said this a million times but Jeremy is an amazing husband. When I hear stories of husbands not sticking around when their wives can't give them children, it breaks my heart. Mainly because I know what it feels like to have that undying support no matter if I am pregnant or not. If anything, Jeremy has become a better husband in the last three years because we have suffered with infertility. I even think that I have become a better wife. Our four year anniversary is at the end of the month (post to come later about this), and it just makes me feel so blessed to have Jeremy as my partner on this whole infertility journey.
On the weight loss front: I am still working on it. I was bad this week and didn't run as much as I have been. School and prepping for the school year have knocked me on my butt! I have been so exhausted that I get home and don't even have the energy to get off the couch. But I will get back on track and on a new schedule next week. So far, I have lost 45 pounds and have about 10 more to go till I will feel satisfied. The weight came off slowly this summer. That OHSS illness really messed me up!
-Lisa-
Monday, August 6, 2012
Be Still
I have talked about how difficult infertility decision-making can be. We had to decide to do every treatment and when. We had to decide when enough was enough to take a break. We had to decide to tell people our struggle rather than keep it private. All of our decisions have taken time and contemplation. We haven't made a brash decision dealing with our journey to a baby. It actually seems like most of our time is centered around infertility decisions. Heck, the other day I was stressed about making the decision to take fertility supplements during our break because it couldn't hurt anything. But we are constantly moving forward and figuring everything out as we go.
Sometimes I feel so wrapped up into decisions, questions, answers that I lose myself. Infertility can cause such chaos in my mind and heart. I have good days where I am strong. But I also have days where all I think about is conception and nothing else. I really do get tired of making all the right choices. Childbearing is such a beautiful, intimate event in the natural course of a marriage. Not for us. Our course is a series of schedules, decisions, and so far, failure.
In church yesterday, it was said to Be still and know that God is God.
I realize that I don't have to let infertility take control. I don't have to panic when life doesn't pan out the way I dreamed it would. All because God is God. With Him, there is no reason for me to panic, stress, worry, or be all-consumed. Be still, Lisa.
The next 9 months of our break from treatment could be really good for us. They could be stress-free and relaxing. However, knowing me, I will still be disappointed and let down each and every month. I just need the strength to remain positive and patient (Be Still) with my eyes of Him.
-Lisa-
Sometimes I feel so wrapped up into decisions, questions, answers that I lose myself. Infertility can cause such chaos in my mind and heart. I have good days where I am strong. But I also have days where all I think about is conception and nothing else. I really do get tired of making all the right choices. Childbearing is such a beautiful, intimate event in the natural course of a marriage. Not for us. Our course is a series of schedules, decisions, and so far, failure.
In church yesterday, it was said to Be still and know that God is God.
I realize that I don't have to let infertility take control. I don't have to panic when life doesn't pan out the way I dreamed it would. All because God is God. With Him, there is no reason for me to panic, stress, worry, or be all-consumed. Be still, Lisa.
The next 9 months of our break from treatment could be really good for us. They could be stress-free and relaxing. However, knowing me, I will still be disappointed and let down each and every month. I just need the strength to remain positive and patient (Be Still) with my eyes of Him.
-Lisa-
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Is it Really Possible to Move On?
I have dedicated this blog to writing about our infertility struggles to educate and inspire others but also as a coping mechanism for myself. I feel like the blog has helped me if not someone else. What I am struggling with is how I move forward. I am facing a good 10 months before we are going to go through another IVF (in-vitro) cycle. (I know it is a long "break" but the school year dictates our plan.)
So...what should I focus on? How do I move on? What will I write about? Do I dwell on what should have been? Do I dwell on how much our situation sucks? Do I get angry because we have to "buy" our baby where others can have theirs for free?
I am stuck.
Amid the swirling thoughts in my forever-running mind, I can't help but be a bit bitter. (That last phrase is filled with b's!) I am angry. I am sad. When I think too much about the disappointment, it makes me depressed. I hate when I allow myself to get to that point. I especially hate it when I allow myself to let jealousy take over. I can't help but look at growing bellies and growing families and feel horrible about myself.
But I really want to move on. So, when I can feel the anger and jealousy taking over, I focus on all of the things I should be thankful for. God has blessed Jeremy and I with an amazing life together. We have a house, we have jobs, we have fairly functioning vehicles, we have an awesome family, we have two adorable furbabies, we have amazing friends, we have the means to travel and enjoy life, and most importantly, we have our faith in Him.
So with all of these blessings...why do I struggle with moving past this one deficit of infertility? I should just be happy with what we do have instead of focusing on what we don't.
I know that with God on my side...I can "move on." I know that with His guidance that I will be able to focus my energy into a productive and positive outlet. Granted, I know that our infertility is always going to be a part of me. It doesn't go away and I don't think it ever will leave me entirely. But I am hoping that I can use the next 10 months as a way to de-stress, re-focus, be less angry, and to get rid of my jealous thoughts.
We shall see if I can accomplish this goal, and hopefully it is possible to move on.
-Lisa-
So...what should I focus on? How do I move on? What will I write about? Do I dwell on what should have been? Do I dwell on how much our situation sucks? Do I get angry because we have to "buy" our baby where others can have theirs for free?
I am stuck.
Amid the swirling thoughts in my forever-running mind, I can't help but be a bit bitter. (That last phrase is filled with b's!) I am angry. I am sad. When I think too much about the disappointment, it makes me depressed. I hate when I allow myself to get to that point. I especially hate it when I allow myself to let jealousy take over. I can't help but look at growing bellies and growing families and feel horrible about myself.
But I really want to move on. So, when I can feel the anger and jealousy taking over, I focus on all of the things I should be thankful for. God has blessed Jeremy and I with an amazing life together. We have a house, we have jobs, we have fairly functioning vehicles, we have an awesome family, we have two adorable furbabies, we have amazing friends, we have the means to travel and enjoy life, and most importantly, we have our faith in Him.
So with all of these blessings...why do I struggle with moving past this one deficit of infertility? I should just be happy with what we do have instead of focusing on what we don't.
I know that with God on my side...I can "move on." I know that with His guidance that I will be able to focus my energy into a productive and positive outlet. Granted, I know that our infertility is always going to be a part of me. It doesn't go away and I don't think it ever will leave me entirely. But I am hoping that I can use the next 10 months as a way to de-stress, re-focus, be less angry, and to get rid of my jealous thoughts.
We shall see if I can accomplish this goal, and hopefully it is possible to move on.
-Lisa-
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