Well it was Fun While it Lasted!

I don't have any witty comments for today's blog. The reality is that our IVF journey is over really before it ever had a chance to start. We have been suffering with this impending doom since Saturday morning but became very much real to us today.

I have not been responding to the injections like expected. My follicles should be measuring around 18mm at this point and I am stuck at 13mm. My estrogen levels are also fairly low for where I should be.

Without enough progress, the doctor told us that he would continue if we wanted to but that it was risky and an expensive risk at that. He suggested changing to an insemination cycle instead. This is about $8500 cheaper. This way if this IUI (intra-uterine insemination) doesn't work, we can still try IVF again. If we do IVF again, they will be able to use a different protocol that would hopefully give me time to respond appropriately. Dr. Kim is clearly just as shocked as we are because I have never shown signs of low response.

Sometimes the scariest place to be is in my hormonal head. Luckily, I have the best husband/partner/friend EVER! When this is clearly my "fault," Jeremy won't ever let me think or feel that way. In fact, he will be upset that I even said "MY FAULT" out loud or in this blog post. I love him for that. Without his support, I would be a wreck. Some husbands wouldn't stand by their wives after so many failed attempts. It isn't even an issue for him. He loves me. He is there for me no matter what. Boy, God has truly blessed me with him.

So our journey to a family continues but just in a different way. The 30+ shots and $5000 worth of meds that have already been pumped into me will not be in vain. I just pray that this IUI is the answer to our prayers and that this is what God has planned for us. We will be all right however this journey turns out. It has truly opened my eyes to how strong I could be. I never thought that I could go through what I have and still be somewhat sane. (Jeremy may debate the whole sane part!)

I kept singing this song in my head since I heard the bad news on Saturday morning. It pretty much wraps up God's Will for me. The best line in the song is "I won't give you more, more than you can take. And I might let you bend but I won't let you break." It is worth a listen.

Keep up the prayers for us! We really appreciate all of the prayers and support from our family and friends...we are beyond blessed by all of you!

-Lisa-

My Crazy Anxious Mind

We are day 8 into this IVF cycle and day 6 of shots. Everyone I talk to is so concerned with the shots because it does seem unnatural to give them to yourself. My first injection last Saturday took me 30 minutes to finally give it. But since then, the shots aren't even on my radar of the biggest worries.

I have been a head-case lately. It doesn't help that my hormones are out of control either. I worry about everything! I mean everything. Without giving you a long story...things haven't gone exactly as they were planned in my head. There have been some little hiccups but we are working on sorting everything out with the meds and with my immunity levels. But I mainly worry about if this works or not. Or about running out of a place on my stomach for another shot! I am at four shots a day and the area around my belly button looks like a pin cushion. I worry about my sanity because I feel like I am going completely insane. (Jeremy reminds me that I am crazy to begin with.)

I just love Pinterest!

I know that I shouldn't worry and just let God's Plan work in my life.

I have a GREAT group of girlfriends from high school. Some of us have been close since preschool and others joined our little group in junior high school. Either way, I am still close with all of them.Even with all of my wonderful friends, infertility can make me feel all alone.  We have grown up together and been fortunate enough to see all of life's milestones together. High school and college graduations. First serious relationships. Marriage proposals and wedding preparation.  We’ve gone through all the ups and downs of life together, yet I’ve been unable to accompany them down the path of parenthood. 

It is easy to feel alone when going through everything. During these scary times when I wonder where God is, I understand that He stands right there with me. He’s with me in the good times. He’s with me in the bad times.He’s with me when I pray and tears of wonder and joy stream down my face. He’s with me when my heart hurts so badly that I don’t even want to think about Him, much less call out His Name. He’s been with me every time a doctor gives another diagnosis or bad report. He’s with me in disappointment. He’s with me in times of ridiculous joy.  

So my goal for the next couple of weeks is to get the picture of how it is supposed to be out of my head. So I can stop worrying and pray to God more. He has worked miracles in my life and I know he will continue to do so.

-Lisa-

Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots

Whenever Jeremy and I talk about the stimulant injections that I will have to do for our IVF cycle, we always break out in song. LMFAO has a song all about drinking and taking shots. (I attached a video of some people dancing just to the chorus to save you from having to listen to the whole song which really isn't that great.)

(BTW...Jeremy and I fully understand that we are complete nerds.)

This song has been in my head ALL morning long. Why? Because I received my large, Styrofoam cooler filled with shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. I never thought I would be excited about getting dozens of needles and vials. But I am. Not because I am a sadist but because we are ready to start this.

I go to the doctor tomorrow and if everything goes well, I start the injections. Right now I am super excited...talk to me in a week and I am sure I will not be as thrilled.

Just a plain cooler to most but inside it holds our hope for our dreams coming true. (Too corny? Yep.)

There is all of the goods inside...

YOWZA! Holy needles!

Just in case you didn't see enough.

So...we have been talking about IVF for awhile and now it is finally here. We have been popping vitamins and hormone pills for a month and now we finally get to start the "real deal." Woo-Hoo! As always, prayers are appreciated. Thanks so much for your support!

-Lisa-

Onward!

Well...I haven't written in awhile. I try to keep my blog posts positive and although I address the desperation that comes with infertility, I try my best to still be optimistic. However, I have had a hard time being the bubbly rainbows and puppies kind of writer lately. So don't be alarmed if this isn't all wrapped up in a nice neat bow this time.

Some positives since I wrote last....I am on SUMMER BREAK! I have been off for a whole week now and it feels amazing. I have had the chance to see my mom and family more in the last week than I have seen them in the last few months added all together. I am looking forward to having the next two months off. Although some days I am sure I will be bored, it is still great to get the relaxation time. I also have lost a total of 37 pounds. I really wanted to lose 50 pounds before starting fertility treatments but I feel good about 37. I am in sizes that I haven't been in since 2006. Consequently, I have had a few shopping trips. I don't have too many clothes that fit but I am fine with that problem!

Many of you know that our IVF treatments are taking over my summer. I started the beginning of treatment at the beginning of May. Now, we are getting down to the scary treatments. When I get my shipment of meds, I will post a picture. It is is insane! The meds alone cost $4000! It isn't natural to give yourself shots. Even scarier, there are shots that Jeremy has to give me as well. Many people on the outside looking in would suggest another method. They don't get it. They don't understand why I would put my body and mind through this. They don't understand why we would want to gamble $13,000 on a 51% chance that we have a family in the end.

I am not worried about the shots. I am not worried about the money. I worry about the strong possibility that at the end of the summer...we are not pregnant. We are investing our entire life in this one shot. We are going to get our hopes up. We are going to expect this to work. But a strong feeling in the very depths of my soul worries about failure. How will we move on from this? How will we survive the disappointment? God's plan and will are in full effect. So I know that if His plan doesn't involve our own children, we will be fine. However, the thoughts still keep me up at night and still terrify me.

I won't post specifics of the process. In fact, I might not post much during the process. It is too much information for most lay people. Instead I have an IVF community forum online where there are 25 of us going through everything at around the same time. But I would appreciate your continued prayers for Jeremy and I. However this cycle turns out, we will need our family and friends to be there for us.

-Lisa-

Anxiety

It is so easy for me to get anxious when thinking, dreaming, living through the all-encompassing infertility battle. I ran across the passage in Philippians 4:6-7 that says...
                      "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

It is so easy to get wrapped up into the whirlwind of fertility treatments. We are well on our way to our first IVF treatment in just a few short weeks. All the preparation with doctor visits, medications, shots, etc. can easily raise my anxiety level. However, the financial stress is also great. Just to give you a figure...IVF can range from $11,000 to $15,000. Yowza! Today we are beginning to deal with this financial burden which again causes anxiety. I worry that if we are spending all of our money and going into debt further...is it for not? What if this doesn't even work and we are broke afterwards? More anxiety.

However, this passage says that I should not be anxious but I should pray and ask God for favor. I feel so guilty asking God for more. He has provided so much for Jeremy and I. How dare I ask God for even more favor? I ask Him for guidance. I ask Him for forgiveness. I ask Him for medical miracles. I ask Him for financial blessings. I fear God views me as greedy or selfish. However, this passage eases my anxiety knowing that God invites all of us to ask Him for favor and prayers.

It is so hard to go to God with thanksgiving sometimes, though. Sometimes my world seems turned upside down with infertility. It's tough to find something to be grateful especially when I feel so down about our situation. But then I think of all of the wonderful gifts that God has given me. It makes me grateful for the many positive things in my life instead of focusing on the heartbreaking, daily struggle I go through.

So as our journey is changing and getting more and more scary...I just keep praying and asking for favor from God so as to ease my anxious mind.

-Lisa-

I LOVE GOD!!!

I just love God. I love that He makes little miracles that change my thoughts from negative to positive. I love that no matter what happens in a day, I have hope for things to get better. I love that I never know what will come next in His plan. Just when I think I have everything figured out, He shows me different possibilities...I LOVE THAT!!

We celebrate so many things in life...birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, births, holidays, etc. How often do we really celebrate God and the wonderful life He has given us?! I looked at my celebration shopping list today. All events in the next month. I have to buy presents for Mother's Day, a birthday, an anniversary, a bridal shower, two weddings, and three baby showers!! Holy celebrations! It is so easy to just go with the flow and focus on the materialistic presents and events.

I just feel like celebrating my GOD today! (It was a pretty horrible day at work, don't get me wrong. The kids AND me are all ready for summer break!) But God is so great!

On my evening run tonight, the sun shone through the trees on the trail. It nearly blinded me in spots. Is it crazy that it was that moment on my run that changed my mindset to be more positive? Maybe. But God finds ways to connect to our hearts. I truly believe that. So instead of writing my blog on how depressing Mother's Day weekend is for gals like us...I was able to celebrate God.

I needed to stay positive today. I needed God to intervene because I could feel the stress and anxiety building. I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyelids. I could hear myself complaining to Jeremy as soon as he walked in the door.

So thank you, God! I don't deserve your love and patience but am beyond grateful that you still show me those wonderful gifts each and everyday.

-Lisa-

IVF...Here We Come!

Those that know me well, or have at least been reading my blog posts, know that I am a firm believer of God's Will. My life is in His hands and He places obstacles and events in my life for His special purpose. However, sometimes I try to guess what God's Will for me is...which is bad. I can't guess what He is doing and what His meaning is...but I can't help but find myself doing it again and again. It is an ongoing struggle that I have.

I have struggled with the doctor's news for a week. But a lot changes in a week. Jeremy and I attended the Kansas City Infertility Awareness (KCIA) Annual Conference on Saturday. I was sick but it was something that I really wanted to attend. Jeremy really did NOT want to go. I think we was worried that everyone there (strangers) would know our problem. But he was reassured that everyone there HAS our problem. His hesitation faded and was masked by the giant amounts of free pens, gifts, food, candy, etc. I swear he managed to come away with 15+ pens. It is the little things...

Beyond the wonderful giveaways and food, the experience was amazing. We gained so much information that we would have never learned before. We were able to hear success stories from families that gave us hope for our future.

I signed up for this conference so long ago when IVF wasn't on our radar...not until Dr. Kim insisted that was our next step. How convenient that Dr. Kim mentions IVF just a few days before this conference! (This is where I start guessing God's Will.)

Jeremy and I left the conference with full bellies, full bags of goodies, and plenty of writing utensils. But we also left with a clear idea of what IVF was and how it could possibly help us. We literally shut the car doors and at about the same time we both said, "Well, we gotta do IVF." We agreed. For maybe the first time in months when it came to fertility treatment. We have bickered and bantered back and forth on what the next step was for us. We were never on the same page...until then.

So, without trying to guess His Will...I definitely think that He has used resources to educate us and open our hearts and minds to different ideas.

The IVF decision is made and it is only the beginning. We have finances to work out, shots to give, and prayers to pray but we are ready!

-Lisa-