Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots

Whenever Jeremy and I talk about the stimulant injections that I will have to do for our IVF cycle, we always break out in song. LMFAO has a song all about drinking and taking shots. (I attached a video of some people dancing just to the chorus to save you from having to listen to the whole song which really isn't that great.)

(BTW...Jeremy and I fully understand that we are complete nerds.)

This song has been in my head ALL morning long. Why? Because I received my large, Styrofoam cooler filled with shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. I never thought I would be excited about getting dozens of needles and vials. But I am. Not because I am a sadist but because we are ready to start this.

I go to the doctor tomorrow and if everything goes well, I start the injections. Right now I am super excited...talk to me in a week and I am sure I will not be as thrilled.

Just a plain cooler to most but inside it holds our hope for our dreams coming true. (Too corny? Yep.)

There is all of the goods inside...

YOWZA! Holy needles!

Just in case you didn't see enough.

So...we have been talking about IVF for awhile and now it is finally here. We have been popping vitamins and hormone pills for a month and now we finally get to start the "real deal." Woo-Hoo! As always, prayers are appreciated. Thanks so much for your support!

-Lisa-

Onward!

Well...I haven't written in awhile. I try to keep my blog posts positive and although I address the desperation that comes with infertility, I try my best to still be optimistic. However, I have had a hard time being the bubbly rainbows and puppies kind of writer lately. So don't be alarmed if this isn't all wrapped up in a nice neat bow this time.

Some positives since I wrote last....I am on SUMMER BREAK! I have been off for a whole week now and it feels amazing. I have had the chance to see my mom and family more in the last week than I have seen them in the last few months added all together. I am looking forward to having the next two months off. Although some days I am sure I will be bored, it is still great to get the relaxation time. I also have lost a total of 37 pounds. I really wanted to lose 50 pounds before starting fertility treatments but I feel good about 37. I am in sizes that I haven't been in since 2006. Consequently, I have had a few shopping trips. I don't have too many clothes that fit but I am fine with that problem!

Many of you know that our IVF treatments are taking over my summer. I started the beginning of treatment at the beginning of May. Now, we are getting down to the scary treatments. When I get my shipment of meds, I will post a picture. It is is insane! The meds alone cost $4000! It isn't natural to give yourself shots. Even scarier, there are shots that Jeremy has to give me as well. Many people on the outside looking in would suggest another method. They don't get it. They don't understand why I would put my body and mind through this. They don't understand why we would want to gamble $13,000 on a 51% chance that we have a family in the end.

I am not worried about the shots. I am not worried about the money. I worry about the strong possibility that at the end of the summer...we are not pregnant. We are investing our entire life in this one shot. We are going to get our hopes up. We are going to expect this to work. But a strong feeling in the very depths of my soul worries about failure. How will we move on from this? How will we survive the disappointment? God's plan and will are in full effect. So I know that if His plan doesn't involve our own children, we will be fine. However, the thoughts still keep me up at night and still terrify me.

I won't post specifics of the process. In fact, I might not post much during the process. It is too much information for most lay people. Instead I have an IVF community forum online where there are 25 of us going through everything at around the same time. But I would appreciate your continued prayers for Jeremy and I. However this cycle turns out, we will need our family and friends to be there for us.

-Lisa-

Anxiety

It is so easy for me to get anxious when thinking, dreaming, living through the all-encompassing infertility battle. I ran across the passage in Philippians 4:6-7 that says...
                      "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

It is so easy to get wrapped up into the whirlwind of fertility treatments. We are well on our way to our first IVF treatment in just a few short weeks. All the preparation with doctor visits, medications, shots, etc. can easily raise my anxiety level. However, the financial stress is also great. Just to give you a figure...IVF can range from $11,000 to $15,000. Yowza! Today we are beginning to deal with this financial burden which again causes anxiety. I worry that if we are spending all of our money and going into debt further...is it for not? What if this doesn't even work and we are broke afterwards? More anxiety.

However, this passage says that I should not be anxious but I should pray and ask God for favor. I feel so guilty asking God for more. He has provided so much for Jeremy and I. How dare I ask God for even more favor? I ask Him for guidance. I ask Him for forgiveness. I ask Him for medical miracles. I ask Him for financial blessings. I fear God views me as greedy or selfish. However, this passage eases my anxiety knowing that God invites all of us to ask Him for favor and prayers.

It is so hard to go to God with thanksgiving sometimes, though. Sometimes my world seems turned upside down with infertility. It's tough to find something to be grateful especially when I feel so down about our situation. But then I think of all of the wonderful gifts that God has given me. It makes me grateful for the many positive things in my life instead of focusing on the heartbreaking, daily struggle I go through.

So as our journey is changing and getting more and more scary...I just keep praying and asking for favor from God so as to ease my anxious mind.

-Lisa-

I LOVE GOD!!!

I just love God. I love that He makes little miracles that change my thoughts from negative to positive. I love that no matter what happens in a day, I have hope for things to get better. I love that I never know what will come next in His plan. Just when I think I have everything figured out, He shows me different possibilities...I LOVE THAT!!

We celebrate so many things in life...birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, births, holidays, etc. How often do we really celebrate God and the wonderful life He has given us?! I looked at my celebration shopping list today. All events in the next month. I have to buy presents for Mother's Day, a birthday, an anniversary, a bridal shower, two weddings, and three baby showers!! Holy celebrations! It is so easy to just go with the flow and focus on the materialistic presents and events.

I just feel like celebrating my GOD today! (It was a pretty horrible day at work, don't get me wrong. The kids AND me are all ready for summer break!) But God is so great!

On my evening run tonight, the sun shone through the trees on the trail. It nearly blinded me in spots. Is it crazy that it was that moment on my run that changed my mindset to be more positive? Maybe. But God finds ways to connect to our hearts. I truly believe that. So instead of writing my blog on how depressing Mother's Day weekend is for gals like us...I was able to celebrate God.

I needed to stay positive today. I needed God to intervene because I could feel the stress and anxiety building. I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyelids. I could hear myself complaining to Jeremy as soon as he walked in the door.

So thank you, God! I don't deserve your love and patience but am beyond grateful that you still show me those wonderful gifts each and everyday.

-Lisa-

IVF...Here We Come!

Those that know me well, or have at least been reading my blog posts, know that I am a firm believer of God's Will. My life is in His hands and He places obstacles and events in my life for His special purpose. However, sometimes I try to guess what God's Will for me is...which is bad. I can't guess what He is doing and what His meaning is...but I can't help but find myself doing it again and again. It is an ongoing struggle that I have.

I have struggled with the doctor's news for a week. But a lot changes in a week. Jeremy and I attended the Kansas City Infertility Awareness (KCIA) Annual Conference on Saturday. I was sick but it was something that I really wanted to attend. Jeremy really did NOT want to go. I think we was worried that everyone there (strangers) would know our problem. But he was reassured that everyone there HAS our problem. His hesitation faded and was masked by the giant amounts of free pens, gifts, food, candy, etc. I swear he managed to come away with 15+ pens. It is the little things...

Beyond the wonderful giveaways and food, the experience was amazing. We gained so much information that we would have never learned before. We were able to hear success stories from families that gave us hope for our future.

I signed up for this conference so long ago when IVF wasn't on our radar...not until Dr. Kim insisted that was our next step. How convenient that Dr. Kim mentions IVF just a few days before this conference! (This is where I start guessing God's Will.)

Jeremy and I left the conference with full bellies, full bags of goodies, and plenty of writing utensils. But we also left with a clear idea of what IVF was and how it could possibly help us. We literally shut the car doors and at about the same time we both said, "Well, we gotta do IVF." We agreed. For maybe the first time in months when it came to fertility treatment. We have bickered and bantered back and forth on what the next step was for us. We were never on the same page...until then.

So, without trying to guess His Will...I definitely think that He has used resources to educate us and open our hearts and minds to different ideas.

The IVF decision is made and it is only the beginning. We have finances to work out, shots to give, and prayers to pray but we are ready!

-Lisa-

Doctor Visit From You Know Where

I met with Dr. Kim today. I went by myself right after work. Jeremy and I talked ahead of time and like we shouldn't do...planned out our next step of fertility drugs. I had it set in my mind exactly what I would ask, what I would suggest, and what our plan was.

Boy...did all of that go out the window quick. It was an emotional doctor's visit to say the least. I am an emotional person to begin with and add a few life-altering thoughts and I might spontaneously combust. Dr. Kim said something like this, "Well, Lisa, we need to reevaluate our plan. I strongly recommend we try IVF (for those that don't know, in-vitro fertilization) instead of wasting time and money on another insemination. You are at the point in this process where we are just wasting time on IUI (intra-uterine insemination). Last year, I wasn't worried about you because on paper you and Jeremy look very healthy. But, I am concerned and think we need to switch up your plan."

My questions, suggestions and plan seemed to be a butterfly floating away slowly. My mind raced and tears welled in my eyes. Dr. Kim kept talking but it was like I was having an out of body experience. IVF wasn't a part of my plan. Our plan. And why is he concerned? What is wrong?

You know when you are trying to hold back tears but also trying to talk? It comes out as blubbering. You come across as an idiot. Well, that was me. I sobbed while trying to explain how I wanted something to be wrong so bad so he could fix it. I am sick and tired of being "normal" but no closer to being a Mom. I wanted to give up but at the same time just spend our life's savings on this new plan of his.

Talking to Jeremy seemed to ease my mind a bit. He is the rational one. I know that is a HUGE shocker to those that know us (insert sarcasm here)! Together we will make the right choice for us. We have a lot to discuss but the rational me who wanted to just stop after the next IUI is starting to see that IVF may not be so bad. Yes, it is more expensive but the success rate is about 40% higher than IUI.

So I again, am asking for prayers. Prayers that we make the right choice for us and that God will show us the right path to take. I know I have talked about the path of infertility before and am anxious to see where this fork in the road leads.

-Lisa-

Not Knowing...But SO GREAT

How boring would life be if we could see exactly what was going to happen to us? No, really...Most days, I admit, I wish I knew exactly how everything was going to pan out. Especially when it comes to seeing our family. But isn't that boring?

If I knew all of the things that would happen to me in life before they actually happened, what do I have to look forward to? I would have never had the experiences I have had or taken the risks that I have taken. I would have never LIVED life to the fullest because I would just sit around waiting for the inevitable events in my story.

Instead, we get to live our life. Sometimes we go into a situation blind and sometimes we go into a situation with little information. It is life's little surprises that make life exciting and worth living.

Imagine if I knew this...
 OK, Lisa...you are going to graduate from UMKC and be a teacher. (I would've never struggled to find my niche or gone to UNL.) You will meet a man named Jeremy and you will get married. (I would have never fallen in love with anyone else or found out what works and doesn't work in relationships.)

Why take risks in life? Why make plans? Why do anything?

I do have a point to my rambling. I don't know what is going to happen next year. I don't know what is going to happen next month or next week...heck, I don't know what is going to happen in the next minute! And truthfully, I don't want to know. God doesn't want me to know either.

So whatever we are going through is part of the plan. We don't know what is going to be around the next twist or turn in life. But that is part of the journey. It kind of makes me a bit more excited for what is to come. Of course, I am curious but I will look back and be SO glad that I didn't know what comes next.

-Lisa-