Anxiety

It is so easy for me to get anxious when thinking, dreaming, living through the all-encompassing infertility battle. I ran across the passage in Philippians 4:6-7 that says...
                      "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

It is so easy to get wrapped up into the whirlwind of fertility treatments. We are well on our way to our first IVF treatment in just a few short weeks. All the preparation with doctor visits, medications, shots, etc. can easily raise my anxiety level. However, the financial stress is also great. Just to give you a figure...IVF can range from $11,000 to $15,000. Yowza! Today we are beginning to deal with this financial burden which again causes anxiety. I worry that if we are spending all of our money and going into debt further...is it for not? What if this doesn't even work and we are broke afterwards? More anxiety.

However, this passage says that I should not be anxious but I should pray and ask God for favor. I feel so guilty asking God for more. He has provided so much for Jeremy and I. How dare I ask God for even more favor? I ask Him for guidance. I ask Him for forgiveness. I ask Him for medical miracles. I ask Him for financial blessings. I fear God views me as greedy or selfish. However, this passage eases my anxiety knowing that God invites all of us to ask Him for favor and prayers.

It is so hard to go to God with thanksgiving sometimes, though. Sometimes my world seems turned upside down with infertility. It's tough to find something to be grateful especially when I feel so down about our situation. But then I think of all of the wonderful gifts that God has given me. It makes me grateful for the many positive things in my life instead of focusing on the heartbreaking, daily struggle I go through.

So as our journey is changing and getting more and more scary...I just keep praying and asking for favor from God so as to ease my anxious mind.

-Lisa-

I LOVE GOD!!!

I just love God. I love that He makes little miracles that change my thoughts from negative to positive. I love that no matter what happens in a day, I have hope for things to get better. I love that I never know what will come next in His plan. Just when I think I have everything figured out, He shows me different possibilities...I LOVE THAT!!

We celebrate so many things in life...birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, births, holidays, etc. How often do we really celebrate God and the wonderful life He has given us?! I looked at my celebration shopping list today. All events in the next month. I have to buy presents for Mother's Day, a birthday, an anniversary, a bridal shower, two weddings, and three baby showers!! Holy celebrations! It is so easy to just go with the flow and focus on the materialistic presents and events.

I just feel like celebrating my GOD today! (It was a pretty horrible day at work, don't get me wrong. The kids AND me are all ready for summer break!) But God is so great!

On my evening run tonight, the sun shone through the trees on the trail. It nearly blinded me in spots. Is it crazy that it was that moment on my run that changed my mindset to be more positive? Maybe. But God finds ways to connect to our hearts. I truly believe that. So instead of writing my blog on how depressing Mother's Day weekend is for gals like us...I was able to celebrate God.

I needed to stay positive today. I needed God to intervene because I could feel the stress and anxiety building. I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyelids. I could hear myself complaining to Jeremy as soon as he walked in the door.

So thank you, God! I don't deserve your love and patience but am beyond grateful that you still show me those wonderful gifts each and everyday.

-Lisa-

IVF...Here We Come!

Those that know me well, or have at least been reading my blog posts, know that I am a firm believer of God's Will. My life is in His hands and He places obstacles and events in my life for His special purpose. However, sometimes I try to guess what God's Will for me is...which is bad. I can't guess what He is doing and what His meaning is...but I can't help but find myself doing it again and again. It is an ongoing struggle that I have.

I have struggled with the doctor's news for a week. But a lot changes in a week. Jeremy and I attended the Kansas City Infertility Awareness (KCIA) Annual Conference on Saturday. I was sick but it was something that I really wanted to attend. Jeremy really did NOT want to go. I think we was worried that everyone there (strangers) would know our problem. But he was reassured that everyone there HAS our problem. His hesitation faded and was masked by the giant amounts of free pens, gifts, food, candy, etc. I swear he managed to come away with 15+ pens. It is the little things...

Beyond the wonderful giveaways and food, the experience was amazing. We gained so much information that we would have never learned before. We were able to hear success stories from families that gave us hope for our future.

I signed up for this conference so long ago when IVF wasn't on our radar...not until Dr. Kim insisted that was our next step. How convenient that Dr. Kim mentions IVF just a few days before this conference! (This is where I start guessing God's Will.)

Jeremy and I left the conference with full bellies, full bags of goodies, and plenty of writing utensils. But we also left with a clear idea of what IVF was and how it could possibly help us. We literally shut the car doors and at about the same time we both said, "Well, we gotta do IVF." We agreed. For maybe the first time in months when it came to fertility treatment. We have bickered and bantered back and forth on what the next step was for us. We were never on the same page...until then.

So, without trying to guess His Will...I definitely think that He has used resources to educate us and open our hearts and minds to different ideas.

The IVF decision is made and it is only the beginning. We have finances to work out, shots to give, and prayers to pray but we are ready!

-Lisa-

Doctor Visit From You Know Where

I met with Dr. Kim today. I went by myself right after work. Jeremy and I talked ahead of time and like we shouldn't do...planned out our next step of fertility drugs. I had it set in my mind exactly what I would ask, what I would suggest, and what our plan was.

Boy...did all of that go out the window quick. It was an emotional doctor's visit to say the least. I am an emotional person to begin with and add a few life-altering thoughts and I might spontaneously combust. Dr. Kim said something like this, "Well, Lisa, we need to reevaluate our plan. I strongly recommend we try IVF (for those that don't know, in-vitro fertilization) instead of wasting time and money on another insemination. You are at the point in this process where we are just wasting time on IUI (intra-uterine insemination). Last year, I wasn't worried about you because on paper you and Jeremy look very healthy. But, I am concerned and think we need to switch up your plan."

My questions, suggestions and plan seemed to be a butterfly floating away slowly. My mind raced and tears welled in my eyes. Dr. Kim kept talking but it was like I was having an out of body experience. IVF wasn't a part of my plan. Our plan. And why is he concerned? What is wrong?

You know when you are trying to hold back tears but also trying to talk? It comes out as blubbering. You come across as an idiot. Well, that was me. I sobbed while trying to explain how I wanted something to be wrong so bad so he could fix it. I am sick and tired of being "normal" but no closer to being a Mom. I wanted to give up but at the same time just spend our life's savings on this new plan of his.

Talking to Jeremy seemed to ease my mind a bit. He is the rational one. I know that is a HUGE shocker to those that know us (insert sarcasm here)! Together we will make the right choice for us. We have a lot to discuss but the rational me who wanted to just stop after the next IUI is starting to see that IVF may not be so bad. Yes, it is more expensive but the success rate is about 40% higher than IUI.

So I again, am asking for prayers. Prayers that we make the right choice for us and that God will show us the right path to take. I know I have talked about the path of infertility before and am anxious to see where this fork in the road leads.

-Lisa-

Not Knowing...But SO GREAT

How boring would life be if we could see exactly what was going to happen to us? No, really...Most days, I admit, I wish I knew exactly how everything was going to pan out. Especially when it comes to seeing our family. But isn't that boring?

If I knew all of the things that would happen to me in life before they actually happened, what do I have to look forward to? I would have never had the experiences I have had or taken the risks that I have taken. I would have never LIVED life to the fullest because I would just sit around waiting for the inevitable events in my story.

Instead, we get to live our life. Sometimes we go into a situation blind and sometimes we go into a situation with little information. It is life's little surprises that make life exciting and worth living.

Imagine if I knew this...
 OK, Lisa...you are going to graduate from UMKC and be a teacher. (I would've never struggled to find my niche or gone to UNL.) You will meet a man named Jeremy and you will get married. (I would have never fallen in love with anyone else or found out what works and doesn't work in relationships.)

Why take risks in life? Why make plans? Why do anything?

I do have a point to my rambling. I don't know what is going to happen next year. I don't know what is going to happen next month or next week...heck, I don't know what is going to happen in the next minute! And truthfully, I don't want to know. God doesn't want me to know either.

So whatever we are going through is part of the plan. We don't know what is going to be around the next twist or turn in life. But that is part of the journey. It kind of makes me a bit more excited for what is to come. Of course, I am curious but I will look back and be SO glad that I didn't know what comes next.

-Lisa-

Here We Go Again (But with Hesitations)

Just a quick post today.

I finally made a decision. We are going to do another IUI cycle in June. I am not looking forward to it, though. The stress and strain that my body is going to go through is not pleasant. The emotional roller coaster that I will be put on mixed with the task of needles, lots of needles, mixed with the fear of another failure will have me going completely insane. However, there is that glimmer of hope that this will be the one...the one that brings the infertility chapter of my life to a close. Jeremy is very optimistic about the upcoming cycle. I can't help but be reserved and realistic.

I am not scared of it NOT working...I am more terrified that it will work and we suffer another loss. By far the hardest part of this journey has been losing pregnancies. I know some people believe that life is not life until birth...I, however, grieve the life that didn't make it to birth. It was life to us.

So many couples and women experience a miscarriage. It seems to be such an easy thing for outsiders who haven't ever dealt with losing a pregnancy. Yes, we haven't met the baby. Yes, we haven't named the baby. And yes, in some cases never even knew we were pregnant before the baby was gone. But it doesn't change the fact that it hurts. It hurts to know that you were so close to your family dream. We question what we could have done differently that would have allowed that being to thrive and grow inside of us. We question God and wonder what His plan is for us.

I know that if we are going to do this next cycle, I have to change my fears and become more optimistic. I have to pray and put my faith in God. This is easier said than done for a control-worrier like me. So I appreciate your prayers as we embark on this new journey again. The end of June I will surely need some extra thoughts and so will Jeremy because he has to deal with the hormone mess that I will become!

-Lisa-

The Path of Infertility

24 pounds gone! Back in January it seemed like a LOOOONNNNNGGGG journey to getting fit. Now I am 26 pounds away from my ultimate goal. At the beginning of the journey, the path to the goal seemed so distant and unachievable. I feel great about my weight loss journey and I will not give up. I am also NOT going back the "fat road" again. I even packed up a bag for Goodwill to get rid of the fat clothes so I cannot go back. All my friends, years down the road if you see me going down the fat path...tell me please!

The journeys that we take in life are strange. Infertility is really just a chapter in the story of my life. It isn't going to last forever and it isn't going to define who I am. But it is a journey. I think back as Jeremy and I stood at the beginning of the infertility path and wondered what the end of the path had in store for us... What does the path look like? What will it take to get to the end?

There are and have been many twists and turns.  We can't see if we are at the beginning or nearing the end.  I just know we cannot get off this path.  We must follow it until it ends.

Imagine with me...
What do we see?  We see the thorns of infertility all around us. Thorns on the right side of the path, thorns on the left side.   We see them all alongside the path behind us, and all alongside the path in front of us. If we step on one, the injury would cause great pain and make it harder for us to continue on our journey.

But look! There’s a shortcut! That path has flowers instead of thorns! The only problem is that we must walk through the thorns to reach that path. Oh, the pain those thorns could cause. Is it worth it?

There are so many questions, so many “what if’s” along the path to potential parenthood. Each one is like a thorn in the way.

What if I go the wrong way? What if I get lost? What if I can’t find my way out of the woods?
What if I choose the wrong treatment? What if our savings is lost? What if I can’t find my way back to God after the way I’ve spoken to or about Him? What if there is an adopted child out there to whom I cannot find my way? What if we consent to IVF and it fails? What if my marriage fails? What if there is another diagnosis? What if my husband says ‘no more’? What if I conceive and lose a child? What if we make the wrong choice as to what doctor to go to? What if…? What if…? What if?

The burden of making so many life-changing decisions in the midst of such stress can be so overwhelming!  We gather as much information as we possibly can, yet we still cannot understand the medical jargon or even the financial statements. The pressure is mounting!

We desperately need a guide down this path. Sometimes it is easy to see which way to turn. Other times the thorns are hidden among the foliage and they catch you by surprise. Who can help us navigate this unknown territory?

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Here’s the good news.  We don’t have to worry about what is next! In fact, God tells us not to! Don’t trust in our own understanding.  I know that there are times when my understanding of a situation is not accurate!

Trust God! I need to trust Him with all my heart! I need to trust Him with our future, with my body, with our family. He’ll direct me down this path of infertility. 

-Lisa-