One thing I wanted to do when I started this blog was to be real and honest...both with myself and anyone who read my posts. I realized that there was a huge risk for me by doing this. I would share defeats and successes. People that read this blog got to see how there are so many ups and downs when going through something like this. Every couple that goes through fertility treatments experiences something like we have. Sometimes the highs and lows come in one day or one hour on the infertility journey! I have heard of positive pregnancy tests in the morning that end with chemical pregnancy in the evening. You never know what comes next...
First of all, before I continue, I know that God loves us. I know that He knows what He is doing with our lives. There is no doubt in that. With that being said, today was filled with extreme highs and heartbreaking lows.
The previous post highlighted the highest of high. I know that God showed me today's miracle to re-strengthen my faith in Him and His plan. I needed to see hope when all else seemed hopeless. He knew that. He also knew that it wasn't meant to be.
In IVF, everything is planned out to a "T." My doctor couldn't plan everything out because my body reacted in a way that wasn't expected or heard of. While anxiously waiting to take my HcG trigger shot tonight, my body began to ovulate on its own. With this happening, we are unable to correctly plan for an egg retrieval. Therefore, we are officially cancelled. For real this time.
This is a tough time for Jeremy and I. We so much appreciate the love, prayers, support, and friendship that all of you have shown. We are both in a bit of mourning now. Mourning the loss of an opportunity more than anything. But we will be fine.
One thing I don't want is for you to feel uncomfortable by reading so much about our life. We have chosen to speak out when so many suffer in silence. God's plan is in full effect. We don't understand why or how He operates but we don't need to. We just need to have faith that He will create more miracles for us.
Dr. Kim called me at 11pm tonight and sounded upset himself. "Lisa, you tried so hard. You really did. We wanted it to work so badly. We will try again and have success."
So we are praying to heal our hearts and focus our minds on the next step...all the while waiting for God's Will to be shown.
-Lisa-
Friday, June 22, 2012
Wow...How Things Can Change!!
Real conversation with Dr. Kim this morning:
"Are you a spiritual person, Lisa?"
"Yes, very much so."
"Well, there has to be some of that mixed in because I have no reasoning to explain what has happened."
"What do you mean?"
"I think we can do IVF now. You have caught up to where you should be without meds. Your levels and follicle size are enough that we can continue. It may be risky since it has taken awhile to get you to this level but I am willing to do this. Are you?"
"Umm...YES! (insert happy tears here) How often does this happen?"
"Never."
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I just want to shout from the rooftop how amazing MY GOD is! Although this week has been incredibly stressful, I have had an oddly calm demeanor. I am one that freaks out when I am stressed. I worry. I google symptoms. I have to control things. On Monday when we officially lost IVF, I cried. But then oddly snapped out of it pretty quickly. Jeremy and I went shopping and spent the next two days together. I didn't obsess about it but we did pray. I know that God listened to our hearts. Even if this cycle isn't successful, I know that God will help and guide us to a better place.
If anything, Jeremy and I are closer than we have ever been. We have been together for close to 8 years and married for nearly 4 years. We obviously love each other. However, this infertility chapter of our life has brought us closer. At the beginning of infertility 3 years ago, I thought that if we didn't have a baby that it would be the end of our world. I know now that we are both in this for the long haul. So again, Thank You GOD!! This journey has brought us closer and made our marriage stronger.
_______________________________________________
So, where do we go from here? Well, my levels are still not ideal. Usually you get between 10-15 eggs at retrieval. He is estimating me to get around 7 or 8 eggs but the scary part is that we have no idea the quality of those eggs until they are fertilized in the laboratory. It is a gamble...a huge one. With a lot of thought and prayer, we are continuing. It may not work...but it also might which is the hope I need to go forward. God is with us no matter what happens.
I will take my "trigger shot" tonight at 8:30pm.
Then we go in for egg retrieval Sunday morning.
Keep the prayer chain going. I know that God hears you and today was proof of that! Praise and thank Him for everything He has done and will do for all of us.
-Lisa-
"Are you a spiritual person, Lisa?"
"Yes, very much so."
"Well, there has to be some of that mixed in because I have no reasoning to explain what has happened."
"What do you mean?"
"I think we can do IVF now. You have caught up to where you should be without meds. Your levels and follicle size are enough that we can continue. It may be risky since it has taken awhile to get you to this level but I am willing to do this. Are you?"
"Umm...YES! (insert happy tears here) How often does this happen?"
"Never."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just want to shout from the rooftop how amazing MY GOD is! Although this week has been incredibly stressful, I have had an oddly calm demeanor. I am one that freaks out when I am stressed. I worry. I google symptoms. I have to control things. On Monday when we officially lost IVF, I cried. But then oddly snapped out of it pretty quickly. Jeremy and I went shopping and spent the next two days together. I didn't obsess about it but we did pray. I know that God listened to our hearts. Even if this cycle isn't successful, I know that God will help and guide us to a better place.
If anything, Jeremy and I are closer than we have ever been. We have been together for close to 8 years and married for nearly 4 years. We obviously love each other. However, this infertility chapter of our life has brought us closer. At the beginning of infertility 3 years ago, I thought that if we didn't have a baby that it would be the end of our world. I know now that we are both in this for the long haul. So again, Thank You GOD!! This journey has brought us closer and made our marriage stronger.
_______________________________________________
So, where do we go from here? Well, my levels are still not ideal. Usually you get between 10-15 eggs at retrieval. He is estimating me to get around 7 or 8 eggs but the scary part is that we have no idea the quality of those eggs until they are fertilized in the laboratory. It is a gamble...a huge one. With a lot of thought and prayer, we are continuing. It may not work...but it also might which is the hope I need to go forward. God is with us no matter what happens.
I will take my "trigger shot" tonight at 8:30pm.
Then we go in for egg retrieval Sunday morning.
Keep the prayer chain going. I know that God hears you and today was proof of that! Praise and thank Him for everything He has done and will do for all of us.
-Lisa-
Monday, June 18, 2012
Well it was Fun While it Lasted!
I don't have any witty comments for today's blog. The reality is that our IVF journey is over really before it ever had a chance to start. We have been suffering with this impending doom since Saturday morning but became very much real to us today.
I have not been responding to the injections like expected. My follicles should be measuring around 18mm at this point and I am stuck at 13mm. My estrogen levels are also fairly low for where I should be.
Without enough progress, the doctor told us that he would continue if we wanted to but that it was risky and an expensive risk at that. He suggested changing to an insemination cycle instead. This is about $8500 cheaper. This way if this IUI (intra-uterine insemination) doesn't work, we can still try IVF again. If we do IVF again, they will be able to use a different protocol that would hopefully give me time to respond appropriately. Dr. Kim is clearly just as shocked as we are because I have never shown signs of low response.
Sometimes the scariest place to be is in my hormonal head. Luckily, I have the best husband/partner/friend EVER! When this is clearly my "fault," Jeremy won't ever let me think or feel that way. In fact, he will be upset that I even said "MY FAULT" out loud or in this blog post. I love him for that. Without his support, I would be a wreck. Some husbands wouldn't stand by their wives after so many failed attempts. It isn't even an issue for him. He loves me. He is there for me no matter what. Boy, God has truly blessed me with him.
So our journey to a family continues but just in a different way. The 30+ shots and $5000 worth of meds that have already been pumped into me will not be in vain. I just pray that this IUI is the answer to our prayers and that this is what God has planned for us. We will be all right however this journey turns out. It has truly opened my eyes to how strong I could be. I never thought that I could go through what I have and still be somewhat sane. (Jeremy may debate the whole sane part!)
I kept singing this song in my head since I heard the bad news on Saturday morning. It pretty much wraps up God's Will for me. The best line in the song is "I won't give you more, more than you can take. And I might let you bend but I won't let you break." It is worth a listen.
Keep up the prayers for us! We really appreciate all of the prayers and support from our family and friends...we are beyond blessed by all of you!
-Lisa-
I have not been responding to the injections like expected. My follicles should be measuring around 18mm at this point and I am stuck at 13mm. My estrogen levels are also fairly low for where I should be.
Without enough progress, the doctor told us that he would continue if we wanted to but that it was risky and an expensive risk at that. He suggested changing to an insemination cycle instead. This is about $8500 cheaper. This way if this IUI (intra-uterine insemination) doesn't work, we can still try IVF again. If we do IVF again, they will be able to use a different protocol that would hopefully give me time to respond appropriately. Dr. Kim is clearly just as shocked as we are because I have never shown signs of low response.
Sometimes the scariest place to be is in my hormonal head. Luckily, I have the best husband/partner/friend EVER! When this is clearly my "fault," Jeremy won't ever let me think or feel that way. In fact, he will be upset that I even said "MY FAULT" out loud or in this blog post. I love him for that. Without his support, I would be a wreck. Some husbands wouldn't stand by their wives after so many failed attempts. It isn't even an issue for him. He loves me. He is there for me no matter what. Boy, God has truly blessed me with him.
So our journey to a family continues but just in a different way. The 30+ shots and $5000 worth of meds that have already been pumped into me will not be in vain. I just pray that this IUI is the answer to our prayers and that this is what God has planned for us. We will be all right however this journey turns out. It has truly opened my eyes to how strong I could be. I never thought that I could go through what I have and still be somewhat sane. (Jeremy may debate the whole sane part!)
I kept singing this song in my head since I heard the bad news on Saturday morning. It pretty much wraps up God's Will for me. The best line in the song is "I won't give you more, more than you can take. And I might let you bend but I won't let you break." It is worth a listen.
Keep up the prayers for us! We really appreciate all of the prayers and support from our family and friends...we are beyond blessed by all of you!
-Lisa-
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