24 pounds gone! Back in January it seemed like a LOOOONNNNNGGGG journey to getting fit. Now I am 26 pounds away from my ultimate goal. At the beginning of the journey, the path to the goal seemed so distant and unachievable. I feel great about my weight loss journey and I will not give up. I am also NOT going back the "fat road" again. I even packed up a bag for Goodwill to get rid of the fat clothes so I cannot go back. All my friends, years down the road if you see me going down the fat path...tell me please!
The journeys that we take in life are strange. Infertility is really just a chapter in the story of my life. It isn't going to last forever and it isn't going to define who I am. But it is a journey. I think back as Jeremy and I stood at the beginning of the infertility path and wondered what the end of the path had in store for us... What does the path look like? What will it take to get to the end?
There are and have been many twists and turns. We can't see if we are at the beginning or nearing the end. I just know we cannot get off this path. We must follow it until it ends.
Imagine with me...
What do we see? We see the thorns of infertility all around us. Thorns on the right side of the path, thorns on the left side. We see them all alongside the path behind us, and all alongside the path in front of us. If we step on one, the injury would cause great pain and make it harder for us to continue on our journey.
But look! There’s a shortcut! That path has flowers instead of thorns! The only problem is that we must walk through the thorns to reach that path. Oh, the pain those thorns could cause. Is it worth it?
There are so many questions, so many “what if’s” along the path to potential parenthood. Each one is like a thorn in the way.
What if I go the wrong way? What if I get lost? What if I can’t find my way out of the woods?
What if I choose the wrong treatment? What if our savings is lost? What if I can’t find my way back to God after the way I’ve spoken to or about Him? What if there is an adopted child out there to whom I cannot find my way? What if we consent to IVF and it fails? What if my marriage fails? What if there is another diagnosis? What if my husband says ‘no more’? What if I conceive and lose a child? What if we make the wrong choice as to what doctor to go to? What if…? What if…? What if?
The burden of making so many life-changing decisions in the midst of such stress can be so overwhelming! We gather as much information as we possibly can, yet we still cannot understand the medical jargon or even the financial statements. The pressure is mounting!
We desperately need a guide down this path. Sometimes it is easy to see which way to turn. Other times the thorns are hidden among the foliage and they catch you by surprise. Who can help us navigate this unknown territory?
Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Here’s the good news. We don’t have to worry about what is next! In fact, God tells us not to! Don’t trust in our own understanding. I know that there are times when my understanding of a situation is not accurate!
Trust God! I need to trust Him with all my heart! I need to trust Him with our future, with my body, with our family. He’ll direct me down this path of infertility.
-Lisa-
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Decisions, Decisions
I knew it was time to write a blog post but as I sat down to a blinking cursor, I couldn't think of what to say. So like many decisions in my life, I asked my husband, Jeremy. He said just write about what you want. That would mean I would have to make a decision...something I am not the best at. In fact, choosing our date night dinner location is a struggle. It frustrates Jeremy that I don't know where I want to eat but I seem to have a reason not to go to any of the locations he suggests.
Right now, I am faced with a difficult decision in my career. Do I leave the school that has been my home for six years? Do I leave my friends who are now like family? For what...a "better" district...closer to home...for more money? BUT teaching a subject that I hate? I am definitely at the point where I either want them to turn me down, so I don't have to decide. Or wanting them to meet my demands so it makes it impossible for me to say no. Decisions, decisions.
However, we have had to face touch decisions before. We have had so many heavy decisions to make in our desire for parenthood. Each one is so important. Not something easy like deciding what to have for dinner or what movie to see or even what district to work for! No! We have to decide whether to pursue IVF or trust God for a miraculous and unassisted conception. We have to decide whether to go into debt for treatment, or keep trying on our own. We have to decide if adoption is the right step for us. I have to decide if torturing my body is worth another failure. Most importantly, we’re talking about the creation of an eternal soul. What could carry more weight? How do we know what God wants us to do? How do I discern God’s will for me?
Prayer is the only option we have, because after all, God is the one who is going to make it happen for us. In those times of dreaded disappointment and tough decisions, it is hard for me to understand why God is making me have such heartbreak. I think, “Why not me? I’m a good, Christian person. Why the unwed teenage mother, the young woman at the abortion clinic, the one complaining that she had another accident?” It is something He could so easily fix. I’d love to say that I have a grasp of understanding on the reasons why, but I don’t. I only believe that God has us here and in His care, and He has a working plan in progress. Although I am not in agreement with His plan all the time nor do I understand it, I finally accepted the fact that I do not have the power and submerge myself in prayer during the tough times. Biblical encouragement is the one thing I could hold firmly in my hand. It has become clear to me that God did not put the desire in my heart to be a mother, if He was not going to fulfill that desire somehow or someway.
I have had the realization that God wasn’t going to make me live my entire life with heartache. Of course, I don’t know if that means I will eventually bear my own children or adopt, but I know the heartache will go away with Him in control. I feel like if I trust Him and trust His plan, those heavy decisions will become easier. If I listen to Him and work for Him instead of against Him, my heart will be lighter and my thoughts clearer.
-Lisa-
Right now, I am faced with a difficult decision in my career. Do I leave the school that has been my home for six years? Do I leave my friends who are now like family? For what...a "better" district...closer to home...for more money? BUT teaching a subject that I hate? I am definitely at the point where I either want them to turn me down, so I don't have to decide. Or wanting them to meet my demands so it makes it impossible for me to say no. Decisions, decisions.
However, we have had to face touch decisions before. We have had so many heavy decisions to make in our desire for parenthood. Each one is so important. Not something easy like deciding what to have for dinner or what movie to see or even what district to work for! No! We have to decide whether to pursue IVF or trust God for a miraculous and unassisted conception. We have to decide whether to go into debt for treatment, or keep trying on our own. We have to decide if adoption is the right step for us. I have to decide if torturing my body is worth another failure. Most importantly, we’re talking about the creation of an eternal soul. What could carry more weight? How do we know what God wants us to do? How do I discern God’s will for me?
Prayer is the only option we have, because after all, God is the one who is going to make it happen for us. In those times of dreaded disappointment and tough decisions, it is hard for me to understand why God is making me have such heartbreak. I think, “Why not me? I’m a good, Christian person. Why the unwed teenage mother, the young woman at the abortion clinic, the one complaining that she had another accident?” It is something He could so easily fix. I’d love to say that I have a grasp of understanding on the reasons why, but I don’t. I only believe that God has us here and in His care, and He has a working plan in progress. Although I am not in agreement with His plan all the time nor do I understand it, I finally accepted the fact that I do not have the power and submerge myself in prayer during the tough times. Biblical encouragement is the one thing I could hold firmly in my hand. It has become clear to me that God did not put the desire in my heart to be a mother, if He was not going to fulfill that desire somehow or someway.
I have had the realization that God wasn’t going to make me live my entire life with heartache. Of course, I don’t know if that means I will eventually bear my own children or adopt, but I know the heartache will go away with Him in control. I feel like if I trust Him and trust His plan, those heavy decisions will become easier. If I listen to Him and work for Him instead of against Him, my heart will be lighter and my thoughts clearer.
-Lisa-
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
How to Help, What to Say
I know that my friends and family have struggled with what to say to Jeremy and I. We are sometimes tiptoed around because people are afraid of saying or doing the wrong things. My own family has asked what is appropriate to say and what isn't. So I have been making a list of things that might be helpful when talking to couples that carry the load of unplanned "un-pregnancy."
As we struggle with infertility, our relationships with friends and family are undeniably touched. Those who conceive easily may have difficulty truly understanding the struggle an infertile couple faces every single day.
What to Say...
I’m so sorry.
I’m praying for you. (Only say this if you really will pray!)
I’m here if you need to talk. (Then don’t be afraid of what we may say. Don’t be offended if we don’t want to talk. Being available to us as a sounding board is priceless.)
What NOT to say...
Relax, honey. It will happen. (This minimizes the hurt the couple is feeling. Also, sometimes it doesn’t happen.)
You’re so lucky not to be tied down with kids. You can go on vacation any time you want.
At least...you were only a few weeks along, At least...you have one child. At least...you have time with just the two of you. (A good rule of thumb is--if you start a sentence with “at least” it’s probably the wrong thing to say!)
So whose fault is it--yours or his? (Infertility is not an issue of fault. It is a medical condition that carries a heavy emotional and spiritual burden. This is an intensely personal battle. If we want--or need--to share personal, medical information with you, let us. It’s really quite an honor to be trusted with such vulnerable information. If we don’t want to share, please don’t ask.)
I know how you feel. (No, you don’t. Even if you suffered with infertility or miscarriage, you cannot know exactly how this person feels. You may have a good idea based on your own experience, but not the specifics of this situation.)
Don’t cry. It’ll be okay. (Let us cry. Let us cry with you or on you. Just let us cry.)
Be Sensitive...
Realize that the grief an infertile couple carries begins anew approximately every 28 days.
Don’t panic if the couple “emotionally vomits” on you.
Don’t be afraid of anger. Hurting people tend to lash out. If they are angry at their spouse, their doctor, their baby, their body or even at God, let them vent.
Let them know you care. However it works for you and those you care for, just let them know you care.
As Philippians 4:13-14 says, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, but it is so good of you to share with your infertile friends/family in their trouble. Thank you! Thank you for caring for hurting people and making such a wonderful effort to ease the pain of unintentional childlessness.
-Lisa-
As we struggle with infertility, our relationships with friends and family are undeniably touched. Those who conceive easily may have difficulty truly understanding the struggle an infertile couple faces every single day.
What to Say...
I’m so sorry.
I’m praying for you. (Only say this if you really will pray!)
I’m here if you need to talk. (Then don’t be afraid of what we may say. Don’t be offended if we don’t want to talk. Being available to us as a sounding board is priceless.)
What NOT to say...
Relax, honey. It will happen. (This minimizes the hurt the couple is feeling. Also, sometimes it doesn’t happen.)
You’re so lucky not to be tied down with kids. You can go on vacation any time you want.
At least...you were only a few weeks along, At least...you have one child. At least...you have time with just the two of you. (A good rule of thumb is--if you start a sentence with “at least” it’s probably the wrong thing to say!)
So whose fault is it--yours or his? (Infertility is not an issue of fault. It is a medical condition that carries a heavy emotional and spiritual burden. This is an intensely personal battle. If we want--or need--to share personal, medical information with you, let us. It’s really quite an honor to be trusted with such vulnerable information. If we don’t want to share, please don’t ask.)
I know how you feel. (No, you don’t. Even if you suffered with infertility or miscarriage, you cannot know exactly how this person feels. You may have a good idea based on your own experience, but not the specifics of this situation.)
Don’t cry. It’ll be okay. (Let us cry. Let us cry with you or on you. Just let us cry.)
Be Sensitive...
Realize that the grief an infertile couple carries begins anew approximately every 28 days.
Don’t panic if the couple “emotionally vomits” on you.
Don’t be afraid of anger. Hurting people tend to lash out. If they are angry at their spouse, their doctor, their baby, their body or even at God, let them vent.
Let them know you care. However it works for you and those you care for, just let them know you care.
As Philippians 4:13-14 says, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, but it is so good of you to share with your infertile friends/family in their trouble. Thank you! Thank you for caring for hurting people and making such a wonderful effort to ease the pain of unintentional childlessness.
-Lisa-
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