As a middle school teacher, we have days where we leave just utterly ticked off. Something happened, or didn't happen; you feel like nothing was accomplished; the kids were just off; I was just off, etc.
BUT today wasn't one of those days! I left feeling great.
It isn't often in normal day to day life where you get the feeling of overwhelming success, like you have made a difference. Luckily, in a teacher's every day to day life, we do! I love the "a-ha" moment. I love to see my "kids" learning and loving it. I love seeing them change and grow. I see it all the time.
Those moments keep me going. I may have a bad day but it could be the next day when a kid tells me that they know I really love them and I am not just pretending. It could be the next day when a kid tells me that he never knew he could write like he did.
I am so used to these great kid moments that make my life as a teacher worthwhile. BUT I don't usually feel successful outside of work. I go home and I have a great husband who I love unconditionally but I don't feel successful there. It is no great fete to love him. I just do. Our marriage just works, we don't have to work it.
Today, I felt successful outside of work. I received an email from a friend who had been reading my blog. (I hope she doesn't mind me posting this!) I know that God knew I needed that email from her right then. I was feeling down and a little off around lunch time, like nothing was going right. After reading her spontaneous email, I was in tears. But not depressing tears, happy ones. I was so touched that she would take the time to write those encouraging words. She said all of the right things that I needed at that time. She was building me up and making me feel better about myself. I don't think she will ever know how much that email touched me today.
Another example of why I am so blessed. I have amazing friendships and amazing people around me. That includes my "kids". God has put all of these supports in my life. Each experience that I live through pushes me closer and closer to Him.
HE allows me to feel successful. HE allows me to be strong. HE guides and directs my path. HE nurtures and loves me in even my darkest times. HE is my rock.
I hope you get to feel success today. It is such a great feeling!
-Lisa-
Friday, January 6, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Believe
So I have started working on my resolutions for 2012. If you talk to any of my friends or colleagues, they will tell you that I am a control freak. And I am. However, I think God has given me a great obstacle to overcome through infertility. I KNOW that I can't control everything but I just WANT to control everything.
Yes, I shouldn't freak when Jeremy doesn't make the bed correctly. Yes, I shouldn't freak when a coworker switches up the order that I eat my lunch. Yes, I should allow a student teacher to come into my classroom without having anxiety attacks. However, all of the above mentioned and a list of many other oddities of my controlling nature are very true.
So by God placing this uncontrollable obstacle in my way, I am learning. As much as it hurts, I know that God has chosen me to be strong and learn from this experience. There are many great things that lie ahead of me, but hopefully I will continue to learn and grow.
On another resolution, I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting tonight. I was so scared. I have never been in a situation like weighing in public and then openly proclaiming I AM FAT to 100 strangers. (For the record, I did not have to proclaim "I am fat", my presence in the room took care of that). However, I did learn from that hour of my life. It was not a waste of time and I am excited to start this journey to a thinner me. The director, Becky, kept asking the same question which yielded many different responses from the audience (I sat quietly, of course): 'What do you believe about yourself in 2012?'
Well, some of the veteran Weight Watcherians declared something about their weight (DUH!). But I was thinking more along the lines of fertility. Why can't I believe, yet again, that this was our year for family answers? It was such a great question. If you believe, you can achieve, right? So, why not?
-Lisa-
Yes, I shouldn't freak when Jeremy doesn't make the bed correctly. Yes, I shouldn't freak when a coworker switches up the order that I eat my lunch. Yes, I should allow a student teacher to come into my classroom without having anxiety attacks. However, all of the above mentioned and a list of many other oddities of my controlling nature are very true.
So by God placing this uncontrollable obstacle in my way, I am learning. As much as it hurts, I know that God has chosen me to be strong and learn from this experience. There are many great things that lie ahead of me, but hopefully I will continue to learn and grow.
On another resolution, I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting tonight. I was so scared. I have never been in a situation like weighing in public and then openly proclaiming I AM FAT to 100 strangers. (For the record, I did not have to proclaim "I am fat", my presence in the room took care of that). However, I did learn from that hour of my life. It was not a waste of time and I am excited to start this journey to a thinner me. The director, Becky, kept asking the same question which yielded many different responses from the audience (I sat quietly, of course): 'What do you believe about yourself in 2012?'
Well, some of the veteran Weight Watcherians declared something about their weight (DUH!). But I was thinking more along the lines of fertility. Why can't I believe, yet again, that this was our year for family answers? It was such a great question. If you believe, you can achieve, right? So, why not?
-Lisa-
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Just Relax...
So today was a lazy day. Instead of going, going, going like we normally do. We stopped. We relaxed. We did NOTHING. It was just what I hope my year is like. Calm. Loving. Relaxing. I walked the neighborhood with my furbaby, Bella. I cuddled up with a book, pjs, the hubby, and the couch. Although, I am a restless person and sitting still for too long makes me batty. It still helped me see what a relaxing life can be.
"All you need to do is just relax and it will happen."
Everyone gives advice for getting pregnant. Not that I don't appreciate it; I do. But in all do respect to those people, their words aren't always helpful and sometimes hurtful. I have developed a thick skin to the comments and suggestions. However, if you catch me on a bad day...that relax comment could send me into an all-out, unstoppable meltdown.
I pinned this from Pinterest. (If you haven't signed up for Pinterest, you really MUST! It is my addiction!)
"All you need to do is just relax and it will happen."
Everyone gives advice for getting pregnant. Not that I don't appreciate it; I do. But in all do respect to those people, their words aren't always helpful and sometimes hurtful. I have developed a thick skin to the comments and suggestions. However, if you catch me on a bad day...that relax comment could send me into an all-out, unstoppable meltdown.
I pinned this from Pinterest. (If you haven't signed up for Pinterest, you really MUST! It is my addiction!)
Before I was faced with this infertility life that I live, I was ignorant to some of these same things. In fact, a younger, naive girl about 8 years ago once asked a childhood friend and his wife, "So, when are you guys going to pop out some children?" I knew I misspoke by the look on their faces. I often think about that moment and hope that I didn't offend them or upset them.
As I was getting more and more knowledge from infertility books and resources, I ran across a great chapter of a book. In fact, I loved this chapter so much that I adapted it to a letter to my closest supporters. I sent this as a message to four women who are my rocks and all now happen to be mommies:
Hi guys. I love all of you very much and lean on you as my support team. That is why I am sharing this with you. I have been reading this book, Every Drunken Cheerleader: Why Not Me? In this book, the author has a whole section of rules and things for the supporters of the fertility-challenged like me. It isn’t meant to slam you for all you have done. I just thought I’d try to support you in return. The author recommends giving you the book to read but I thought her general friend rules were good. If you don’t read them, I understand but wanted you to kind of have an insight into how I feel. Love you all!!
All of the following is a quote from the book:
General Rules:
Please start listening to us.
When we come to you with our news that the cards of our fertility are a part of a hand that should be folded, you don’t need to say anything. Just take a large sigh, let your eyes fill up with tears on our behalf but don’t feel obligated to make excuses like “it will happen” or to stroke our head with proverbial encouragement. More often than not, we need someone to recognize our breaking heart, not to sew it back together. In the midst of doctors, procedures, and decisions, a woman can feel unheard. It is a much-needed refreshment to have you there to hear us. When we call you, if you could just listen to us, you will solve ninety percent of our worries. If you don’t say much, then you are less likely to say something wrong.
Don’t leave things open ended.
If you say that you are there if we need you, then be there a lot. We need you a lot. Call us, check in on us, ask us questions, stop by, invite us out. We need you in a way that is hard to communicate. You might be the one that makes our day ten times better. We don’t want fraud like understanding. Please, please don’t compare your life to ours or just because someone else you know went through this means we should get together over coffee and become well.
Be aware.
If we are together and someone just announced her pregnancy, it’s ok for you to slightly give us that knowing look. That understanding glance may be the one things that alleviates the embarrassing tears. Please make sure that look is not one of “poor you.” You know that gesture. It is the one where you lower your head, furrow your brow and make droopy eyes. It should be more a look of are you ok cause if not, I will fake a seizure right here to get the attention onto something else. Sincerity and the depth of our friendship will be the two factors that make this succeed or fail.
Save us.
If we are in a room with other moms and the only subject is pregnancy, child birth, or children, then please change the subject if only for a while, for our sake. There are 84,000 other topics in the universe that can be discussed among friends.
Be sensitive.
Be sensitive to our feelings about what is going on. It is hard to quantify with examples. Just try to be sensitive to our sensitivity as possible without being overly sensitive.
Be extra sensitive on baby shower days.
Screen the news
Don’t assume that we are ok with hearing so and so is pregnant or so and so just had her baby. Use good judgment. Don’t give us those puppy dog eyes which ask us to tell you how crappy it makes us feel. Just tell us and then move on. If we want to discuss it more, we will.
Know your audience
Create a politically correct ending to your story if you are telling a group it took you a whole six months to get pregnant. Not only is this helpful for those of us you know are already going through fertility treatments, but its good for general less known groups too.
Allow us to leave.
We would appreciate permission to leave any social gathering early and without an excuse. As one of our very best friends, you should automatically know it is because we got sad and needed the comfort of our couch and that it is perfectly fine. Don’t go after us or make a scene about it. Let us go. If we need you, we will signal you in some way. But don’t point it out to others or make an issue of it later.
All of the following is a quote from the book:
General Rules:
Please start listening to us.
When we come to you with our news that the cards of our fertility are a part of a hand that should be folded, you don’t need to say anything. Just take a large sigh, let your eyes fill up with tears on our behalf but don’t feel obligated to make excuses like “it will happen” or to stroke our head with proverbial encouragement. More often than not, we need someone to recognize our breaking heart, not to sew it back together. In the midst of doctors, procedures, and decisions, a woman can feel unheard. It is a much-needed refreshment to have you there to hear us. When we call you, if you could just listen to us, you will solve ninety percent of our worries. If you don’t say much, then you are less likely to say something wrong.
Don’t leave things open ended.
If you say that you are there if we need you, then be there a lot. We need you a lot. Call us, check in on us, ask us questions, stop by, invite us out. We need you in a way that is hard to communicate. You might be the one that makes our day ten times better. We don’t want fraud like understanding. Please, please don’t compare your life to ours or just because someone else you know went through this means we should get together over coffee and become well.
Be aware.
If we are together and someone just announced her pregnancy, it’s ok for you to slightly give us that knowing look. That understanding glance may be the one things that alleviates the embarrassing tears. Please make sure that look is not one of “poor you.” You know that gesture. It is the one where you lower your head, furrow your brow and make droopy eyes. It should be more a look of are you ok cause if not, I will fake a seizure right here to get the attention onto something else. Sincerity and the depth of our friendship will be the two factors that make this succeed or fail.
Save us.
If we are in a room with other moms and the only subject is pregnancy, child birth, or children, then please change the subject if only for a while, for our sake. There are 84,000 other topics in the universe that can be discussed among friends.
Be sensitive.
Be sensitive to our feelings about what is going on. It is hard to quantify with examples. Just try to be sensitive to our sensitivity as possible without being overly sensitive.
Be extra sensitive on baby shower days.
Screen the news
Don’t assume that we are ok with hearing so and so is pregnant or so and so just had her baby. Use good judgment. Don’t give us those puppy dog eyes which ask us to tell you how crappy it makes us feel. Just tell us and then move on. If we want to discuss it more, we will.
Know your audience
Create a politically correct ending to your story if you are telling a group it took you a whole six months to get pregnant. Not only is this helpful for those of us you know are already going through fertility treatments, but its good for general less known groups too.
Allow us to leave.
We would appreciate permission to leave any social gathering early and without an excuse. As one of our very best friends, you should automatically know it is because we got sad and needed the comfort of our couch and that it is perfectly fine. Don’t go after us or make a scene about it. Let us go. If we need you, we will signal you in some way. But don’t point it out to others or make an issue of it later.
-Lisa-
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Looking to 2012
Today leaves me thinking and wondering about 2012. For the last couple of years, I have had great hopes that this would be the year I would be a Mommy. I have always been let down. So this year, I am taking a new stance. I am going to focus on how I view infertility.
My resolution is to lose weight (it is every year and it never lasts). Many people will make New Year’s resolutions--and break them before they even begin. Some will never make an effort to break the destructive patterns in the first place! So today I am going to make a change in how I view my infertility.
How have I looked at my inability to conceive? There is no doubt it is a devastating life crisis. For those who have never experienced the crushing blow of an infertility diagnosis, delayed or denied pregnancy may seem like little more than a passing inconvenience. However, for those who live in infertility’s shadow every moment of every day, baby hunger can be an all-consuming dread and heartache. Is it a punishment? Is infertility God’s way of letting you know you have wronged Him? Has God chosen to show His anger or disappointment in me by closing my womb tighter than Fort Knox? How should I view my infertility?
In 1 Samuel 1 where the story of Hannah is shared with us, there are two separate occasions where we see the phrase “the LORD had closed her womb”. There is no question as to why Hannah was not a mother. The answer is clear: the Lord closed her womb. If the Lord closes your womb, it is closed! Hannah’s infertility was not an accident. God did it on purpose. The first time I really paid attention to this phrase, I must admit, it made me mad. I wanted to believe that Hannah was having a problem conceiving and that God rushed in like a knight on a white stallion and saved the day. Wrong! God closed her womb. He did it on purpose! I didn’t want to believe that God did this to her? Why? Because if God did this to her, maybe He did this to me, too.
But wait! Here’s the good part! If God did this on purpose, then Hannah’s infertility--and mine--must have a great purpose! I don’t believe God allows something as life changing as infertility to haphazardly interrupt the flow of someone’s life for absolutely no reason. We know infertility doesn’t catch God by surprise. I believe infertility in life has a holy purpose. God will use it to reach me and teach me things I haven't understood.
Therefore, I am changing my view of infertility. I am not going to let the enemy convince me that it is something that has happened to me because God is angry with me or that He has forgotten me. Infertility has a purpose.
So as 2011 draws to a close and 2012 begins, here is what I hope to do:
1. Let God's will be, I can't plan or control my life because it is HIS to control
2. Keep praying for our family but not obsess over it because it is for HIS divine purpose
3. Let stress and anxiety roll off my back
4. Love my family, husband, and friends more (I feel I have neglected them in my depression state)
5. Yes, LOSE WEIGHT. It needs to happen. I am hoping I don't give up one month in
I hope everyone has a great 2012! I know I am planning to.
-Lisa-
My resolution is to lose weight (it is every year and it never lasts). Many people will make New Year’s resolutions--and break them before they even begin. Some will never make an effort to break the destructive patterns in the first place! So today I am going to make a change in how I view my infertility.
How have I looked at my inability to conceive? There is no doubt it is a devastating life crisis. For those who have never experienced the crushing blow of an infertility diagnosis, delayed or denied pregnancy may seem like little more than a passing inconvenience. However, for those who live in infertility’s shadow every moment of every day, baby hunger can be an all-consuming dread and heartache. Is it a punishment? Is infertility God’s way of letting you know you have wronged Him? Has God chosen to show His anger or disappointment in me by closing my womb tighter than Fort Knox? How should I view my infertility?
In 1 Samuel 1 where the story of Hannah is shared with us, there are two separate occasions where we see the phrase “the LORD had closed her womb”. There is no question as to why Hannah was not a mother. The answer is clear: the Lord closed her womb. If the Lord closes your womb, it is closed! Hannah’s infertility was not an accident. God did it on purpose. The first time I really paid attention to this phrase, I must admit, it made me mad. I wanted to believe that Hannah was having a problem conceiving and that God rushed in like a knight on a white stallion and saved the day. Wrong! God closed her womb. He did it on purpose! I didn’t want to believe that God did this to her? Why? Because if God did this to her, maybe He did this to me, too.
But wait! Here’s the good part! If God did this on purpose, then Hannah’s infertility--and mine--must have a great purpose! I don’t believe God allows something as life changing as infertility to haphazardly interrupt the flow of someone’s life for absolutely no reason. We know infertility doesn’t catch God by surprise. I believe infertility in life has a holy purpose. God will use it to reach me and teach me things I haven't understood.
Therefore, I am changing my view of infertility. I am not going to let the enemy convince me that it is something that has happened to me because God is angry with me or that He has forgotten me. Infertility has a purpose.
So as 2011 draws to a close and 2012 begins, here is what I hope to do:
1. Let God's will be, I can't plan or control my life because it is HIS to control
2. Keep praying for our family but not obsess over it because it is for HIS divine purpose
3. Let stress and anxiety roll off my back
4. Love my family, husband, and friends more (I feel I have neglected them in my depression state)
5. Yes, LOSE WEIGHT. It needs to happen. I am hoping I don't give up one month in
I hope everyone has a great 2012! I know I am planning to.
-Lisa-
Friday, December 30, 2011
I would die for that
-Lisa-
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Thus a new journey begins...
This is new to me. I am so used to crying to my husband, explaining everything to friends, praying to God alone, and living in an infertility code of silence. I have been reading a lot of books and most recently read Baby Hunger by Beth Forbes. Great book but even greater is the program Sarah's Laughter which sends me a message everyday that encourages me through the infertility struggle. Message after message from Beth tells me to start a prayer journal or write down my thoughts. Okay...here it goes...
Jeremy and I married August 30, 2008. We have two furbabies: Lola the very evil cat and the love of my life, Bella the beagle. We wanted some time as a married couple so didn't jump right into family planning. June 2009 rolled around and we thought we should start trying. Jeremy was approaching the big 3-0 and we knew it was time. Little did we know, June 2010 would roll around without an addition to the family. It was time to address the issues. I was put on Clomid 50mg and then to Clomid 100mg. I was on Clomid for 6 months with no success. But we hadn't given up. We met with the reproductive specialist, Dr. Kim, in April 2011. He was so encouraging. He said that nothing was wrong with me or with Jeremy. Well, that seems like great news...
In the meantime, ALL (slight exaggeration) of our friends are pregnant! Everywhere we turn families are growing...all except ours. I want something to be "wrong" with us so they can fix it! But as it stands...no problems. Dr. Kim recommended doing an IUI with fertility meds.
I injected myself with needles for a couple of weeks...this was by far the most nerve racking thing I have ever done! My poor, sweet mother had to spend hours on the phone with me talking me up to actually plunging the needle into my abdomen. By the second day, I was an old pro. After multiple blood tests and ultrasounds, we were ready to trigger shot and do the IUI.
Jeremy was nervous about his "job" but quickly recanted when I reminded him of all that I had been through in the last two years. A couple hours later, I was officially inseminated. Now what?
We wait...14 days! Around day 12 post IUI, I started to bleed...and cry. I went into Dr. Kim for another ultrasound and blood work. By my surprise, I was pregnant! What?! That can't be! It worked! My dreams quickly vanished when the nurse on the other end of the phone line said that I was miscarrying. (We suffered two other miscarriages in 2011 as well.)
I am a teacher so school was starting soon and I couldn't see myself trying to teach and be compassionate while on the hormone treatments. It made me crazy and grumpy...I needed to wait awhile. I am glad we did! All of those treatments added up quickly. $2500 for all of the IUI and meds! This was on top of my thyroid procedure earlier in the year and Jeremy's kidney stones. We were a mess!
Everything is now paid off. I don't know why I am dragging my feet at starting the process again but I am.
I pray everyday for God's will to guide us. I plan to use this avenue to guide my prayers and my thoughts to a more positive light. I am sick of feeling sorry for myself and sick of being depressed.
-Lisa-
Jeremy and I married August 30, 2008. We have two furbabies: Lola the very evil cat and the love of my life, Bella the beagle. We wanted some time as a married couple so didn't jump right into family planning. June 2009 rolled around and we thought we should start trying. Jeremy was approaching the big 3-0 and we knew it was time. Little did we know, June 2010 would roll around without an addition to the family. It was time to address the issues. I was put on Clomid 50mg and then to Clomid 100mg. I was on Clomid for 6 months with no success. But we hadn't given up. We met with the reproductive specialist, Dr. Kim, in April 2011. He was so encouraging. He said that nothing was wrong with me or with Jeremy. Well, that seems like great news...
In the meantime, ALL (slight exaggeration) of our friends are pregnant! Everywhere we turn families are growing...all except ours. I want something to be "wrong" with us so they can fix it! But as it stands...no problems. Dr. Kim recommended doing an IUI with fertility meds.
I injected myself with needles for a couple of weeks...this was by far the most nerve racking thing I have ever done! My poor, sweet mother had to spend hours on the phone with me talking me up to actually plunging the needle into my abdomen. By the second day, I was an old pro. After multiple blood tests and ultrasounds, we were ready to trigger shot and do the IUI.
Jeremy was nervous about his "job" but quickly recanted when I reminded him of all that I had been through in the last two years. A couple hours later, I was officially inseminated. Now what?
We wait...14 days! Around day 12 post IUI, I started to bleed...and cry. I went into Dr. Kim for another ultrasound and blood work. By my surprise, I was pregnant! What?! That can't be! It worked! My dreams quickly vanished when the nurse on the other end of the phone line said that I was miscarrying. (We suffered two other miscarriages in 2011 as well.)
I am a teacher so school was starting soon and I couldn't see myself trying to teach and be compassionate while on the hormone treatments. It made me crazy and grumpy...I needed to wait awhile. I am glad we did! All of those treatments added up quickly. $2500 for all of the IUI and meds! This was on top of my thyroid procedure earlier in the year and Jeremy's kidney stones. We were a mess!
Everything is now paid off. I don't know why I am dragging my feet at starting the process again but I am.
I pray everyday for God's will to guide us. I plan to use this avenue to guide my prayers and my thoughts to a more positive light. I am sick of feeling sorry for myself and sick of being depressed.
-Lisa-
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)